Learning From Ego

I should probably give an update. After the near-manic episode I had, I should let people know that I have not kept that pace all week. We have a tendency to let the last impression of somebody be their whole identity from then on, no? I still had a great week with my new job, but I’m not bouncing up and down at my desk all day. I still do a lot of monotonous work. 

A coworker finally got his way into my facebook, then read my blog, then approached me about it. He goes “You weren’t having fun at your job?” And I told him “Hell no.”

“Oh, too bad” he said, before smiling and going back to his desk. Creepy dude. Hey Sam.

I’ve complained before about having a limited amount of time that I can enjoy good news. I’m getting a little bit of that now, in a way. As I take a leap towards what I want to do I, see the path more clearly. Landing on my feet on Monday and hitting the ground running was like a rush of adrenaline. I actually had trouble sleeping Monday night, because I had just a killer day. Did I mention I won a tournament that day, too? From losers. Check out the bracket if you care to.

So I’m in the after area, the “what now” zone. I’ve been here before, many times. But I didn’t just have a good day, or a good tournament. I had gained new responsibilities that lets me work towards something cool. It’s a huge shift that affects my mood all day, and that takes some getting used to. But it’s obviously good. I’m still in a very good place.

The strange part is how far I still need to go. Every time I achieve something it feels like the beginning of another path. Is that healthy? Should I be proud of how far I’ve come already? I’d say the former is more productive, but the ladder seems more fun. The ladder brings me to a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while, and that’s ego.

What an annoying thing to read about, I know. ‘Ugh, you have an ego? Here, let me put a nice warm blanket on you. What a true survivor.’

Ego isn’t a good thing. It never has been, for me. It sits on top of my head and points out the good things I do, all day every day. A healthy ego is one that lets you nod along and go about your life, acknowledging success without becoming a dick. A strong ego keeps you looking at the good stuff a little bit longer than you planned. An out of control ego tells you to pick up the good stuff and start showing it to people at parties.

I understand egotistical people, I really do. A lot of time it’s a counterpart to their insecurities, but I’m not really breaking psychological ground here, am I? Comedians need a strong ego to have good stage presence, but I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about learning from my own mistakes, massive mistakes, that I’ve done as a result of ego. I don’t want it to happen again.

Look, I’m delving into some shit here. I’m not going into depth about some of my deepest regrets, okay? Just know that they were plentiful, memorable, and in both high school and college. Remember college? Like, less than a year ago? So, yea, I’m still prone to let it grow and really affect me. And it’s all rooted in insecurity, no doubt.

When I have good streaks I let it permeate through everything I have. I take moments to stop and absorb, just take stock of the beauty and hope and joy. I do this little thing where I laugh-cry, a short jolt of laughing and choking up for 3-5 seconds. Here’s the problem, though. Just like adrenaline, that feeling is fleeting. So I look for more, and now. After a few days of that, I’m just grasping at straws, or making huge decisions because I think I can handle it. I can handle everything! I’m unstoppable! We all know what happens after that. SPLAT.

I’m not unfamiliar with depression, and having ego fall on its face is a great time to go there. I’m not just fighting off the urge to brag, I’m fighting off the inevitable backlash of a lengthy ego binge. I can have ups, but I need to find my way back to ground. As the saying goes, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” Actually, I’m not sure if I’m using that right. Oh well.

That’s all I got. Just to plug something, I’ll be commentating the last Nebulous Apollo series tournament! I’ll be on for top 32-8 singles and top 8 of doubles! A pretty great opportunity, if you ask me. Check in tomorrow at twitch.tv/nebulousnyc where I won’t be playing, but you’ll hear my voice.

Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!

I Get A Bit Dramatic About A 'Promotion'

And just like that, I absolutely love my job. Wow.

Most people would tweet this and that'd be it. I, however, am just self indulgent enough to blog about it.

*Note - sitting at the job that I'm currently raving about.*

I have no idea what I've said on this page, so I'll just do a quick recap. I've been working at an Amazon redistributor as a data entry/junior affiliate for seven months now. Due to the lack of creativity, and abundance of monotony, I've felt a little run down lately. It might have something to do with how long this winter lasted, it being my first year out of college, or 22 other reasons. Today though, man. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time.

Lately my company has been trying to break away from Amazon and start their own website. Around that time I made a big decision. I approached my boss and told him what was on my mind. We spoke for a long time. We talked about how I wasn't content with my current role, how it had nothing to do with payment or compensation, and how I would be a big asset to something creative like building a website. He heard me -- He's always great with hearing me out, seriously -- and he put me on the job of ... well, helping. But it was a start.

Over the next few weeks I would diversify my working experience dramatically. I went to my first business meeting at my bosses friend's office, taking notes like a good little helper, and I learned a ton about eCommerce and website building. I was given a small budget and tasked with creating a business card via Fiverr.com. And, most importantly, I was told to research other similar companies and see what I could learn. This lead me to discover the importance of Business Blogging.

When that happened I felt like the sun came out for the first time in months, a small ray making its way 93 million miles just to fill me with hope. But this was a different hope than I've ever felt before. I didn't find an end goal, a dreamy circumstance of ultimate success, but the beginning of a path, on which I've never stepped foot. It was short burst. I raised my head up, felt the sun, then went right back down and got to work. It's trippy, thinking about the one photon that fought it's way from the bubbling star, from lava and combustion, that hit me at the exact moment I felt my career path shift. It didn't just fight, it battled. It was a war, from a star, that gave me A New Hope.

Im the greateest writer in the world

So I put my best foot forward and worked my ass off to make this blog a reality. I needed to make this blog the right way, I need to make it successful, Ah! This is so exciting! What am I doing? What, huh? It was coming together right in front of me, stumbling, scattered, when I had another crazy photon or whatever I said before.

I was gonna make it a comedy blog. Yes! Of course!

Now, I'm not selling you on this idea, because I already know that it's fucking amazing. My boss thought so, too. We sell health and beauty products, but we aren't health or beauty experts. Dietitians are expensive to hire, comedians are cheap and just looking for work. If you're reading this and agreed to write for me, I do not apologize. Know what you are. An alternative.

Sorry, nah, it's actually a dream job for me. Absolute dream scenario. Working with other writers to develop original comedy content? As a day job?! I don't drop my main responsibilities, which is fine with me because I'm good at those by now, but now I get to spend work time being a comedy writer. I'm a professional comedy writer.

I've been getting emotional all day, and it's not even lunch. Do I get emotional at lunch a lot? I'm so incredibly excited to come to work now. I feel pride that I've kept a sort of effort to take advantage of this opportunity, and I feel completely prepared to try at this and start getting better. Cause that's still where I'm at. The beginning of the path.

Ok, I'm still at work, but this needed to come out before I get back to, you know, being a goddamn content manager.  If you got this far and are interested in comedy writing, please send me an email at Jessegardner7@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook. I have a budget, and I can pay writers!

Thanks for reading.

Things I learned: How far away the sun is, trippy isn't recognized by spell check

Woohoo! A week off! *Starts Crying*

I have this week off for Passover. The whole week. Add last Friday, that's a whole ten days off work. Ten! An aspiring writer like myself should be thrilled to have this much free time. I would say I mostly am. But I'm also terrified. I've been in this situation before. I've actually written about this situation before (See: "Perfect Week." And the next post: "Perfect Week? No such thing.")

I know how it feels to drop the ball with this sort of potential. It's a crappy feeling. A lot of the time it'll happen because I think too big. If I take two minutes to dream about the possibilities I suddenly have 40,000 YouTube subscribers, 35 agents fighting over me and a Netflix special. This is all in my head, of course. In reality, forty extra hours to work on my craft is amazing and terrifying and everything and nothing. There's no guide here. All I have to go off is my own experience, which is jack shit. That's not true, exactly. I've gotten in a groove before. But now is different. Because it's now.

What the hell is this rambling, you might ask? It's exactly what I'm up against. This upcoming week is free form, it's improvised, it's a magnificent void. It's what I've been hoping to create as my life, really. I want to have the whole day to have to myself, to wrap myself in a cocoon of half-baked ideas and tolerable anxiety until I've created something that people may or may not like. Side note: This is a terrible pitch to be an artist.

I've taken a vow to stop telling people what projects I'm working on until it's done. So far, it's so-so by far. I will say that I have tons of ideas, but very few actual project ideas. I have a few in the works. I might need to finish those before moving on to other things. "Obviously!" Everyone reading this says at the same time. I say it to myself too. But I feel like I need to move forward with everything simultaneously.

Do I come off as a mess yet? I probably should. I don't want to come off like I'm miserable, or lost, or like I'm spiraling. In reality I'm having a pretty solid day. But nothing will fill this time-void perfectly. I can say without a doubt that I will never use my time perfectly ever for the rest of my life. Still feels pessimistic, huh? I'm really not trying to go there. It's just a technicality that makes me feel better. Nobody is perfect, nobody can be perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. Read that again and take a deep breath. It makes me feel good. It might send you into a panic.

I probably should have set a thesis for this post. Or at least a tone. None of that, no, I don't care if anyone likes this. The reality is, I have a lot more free time this week and I'm trying to use it wisely. I want to look back on Sunday night and feel like I did a lot. Not that I was perfect. But that I used my time off in a way that fast forwarded my progress. I feel like I'm playing Mario kart and I have a golden mushroom this week instead of a red one. I can use that golden sucker as many times as I want, and get a speed boost every time. Or I can use it twice, get complacent, and eventually have it disappear while I'm still in 3rd. I lost my older audience. Sorry Mom. And sorry again for saying you're part of my older audience.

I'm not going to say that I'm gonna write in this blog a lot this week, (See: two paragraphs before) but I feel like I'll end up doing just that. Who knows, I enjoy this a lot, maybe I can start considering this whole thing as a possible side-gig. God, there really is no thesis to this. I gotta start doing those.

Thanks for hanging in there if you kept on reading. If you're a fan of these posts, send me 500 dollars a week and I can start doing them full time. Otherwise, you're dead to me.