It’s another one of those days where I find myself absolutely mainlining Gary Vee. He’s a growing force right now, so I don’t really feel the need to explain him that deeply.
It’s a great way to get inspired. If you’re reading this and not watching his stuff, you’ve picked the lesser option. Unless you’re my parents, who Im sure are reading this, I bet that you’d like him more than me. I promise you that you’ll enjoy him more. Writing about him is the definitition of derivative. What’s coming is just my inexperienced ass funneling his message after utterly devouring 3 hours of his content. It’s a pretty fun head space to be in.
I’m also loaded up on a Dunkin Donuts frozen coffee right now, a hot(heh) mess of caffeine and sugar which is essentially the missing evolutionary link between a Frosty and a Frappuccino.
Enough product placement. Until I get paid for it.
Gary Vee’s influence is powerful. His message is inspiring and built from honesty. It encapsulates the American dream and entrepreneurial (holy shit I spelt that on the first try) spirit.
He speaks often of his journey in his 20’s and the advantage of youth.
It makes me believe that the work I’m doing now is important. It makes me sincerely connect with the work that I’m doing, and the idea that things don’t need to happen quickly to happen at all. He resonates with me, and obviously many other people, in a very special way that hasn’t felt to have been reached before.
I feel satisfied with saying that. Now, the excitement from the videos have finished spilling out from my coffers, and I’m left with only my own thoughts. Maybe I just needed another sip of Dunkin Donuts Caffeine Milkshake. These things should be illegal. They hit me like an old 4 loko.
I’ve just been on a little streak of self doubt lately. Not about my work ethic, or the value of my work, but just the ways I’ve been expecting my life to turn out. The fluidity of plans and goals is a tricky subject - it sticks in my skull like the last drops in a bottle of water.
The dichotomy kills me. I’m told to envision my future clearly in order to achieve my goals (The Secret, right? I’ve never actually read it.) as well as to submit to the idea of not knowing what the future holds. Ambition and Buddhism.
I’m sure this isn’t the only thing bogging me down lately, it’s just the strongest and clearest at the moment. Another one is this; I’m insecure about my place in trying to speak about the world. I can’t believe - or maybe just don’t want to believe - that I know about what I’m talking when I look towards my future. It needs to be that way. In the same vein, how can I turn around and create content, especially for a brand that promotes healthy living and choosing the right path?
So I turn inward. I think - okay, I’m self aware enough to not tell people how they should live their life, that’s great. My first way to pivot from that was to create comedy, and so far I think that path is valid. As I continued with this, though, I began to grow more concerned about our lack of message. Not just what we are trying to sell, but what are we trying to say? I tapped into the internet frequently on information about our products, advice on being healthier, tricks on “biohacking” or nootropics or anything at all related to productivity. Now that I think of it, I’ve been interested in this stuff for a while, I just haven’t really stepped on the gas in implementing. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m still not there.
I think this all stems from my usual place of anxiety. It seems like my anxiety for a while now hasn’t just been about expressing myself, but more accurately a pain coming from a latent or undernourished ambition. I’m struggling to express this clearly, so bear with me.
When I get anxious, I can usually trace it back to a slow down, or sometimes a complete shut-down, of my writing. It’s been that way for about 5 years now, honestly. Only 2 years ago did I make the decision to start putting it on the internet.
Writing this blog was the best feeling in the world when I started. I made it a month long challenge to myself where I would wake up early (9am?), do some mild exercise, practice melee for 2 hours (I’ve never trained this hard before or since) then walk to the library and write for 45 minutes on their computers. I honestly remember nothing else from that summer, or even if I worked, but the time spent in front of the CRT and desktop made me a much better player and writer. Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for that month.
**Okay, just checked this. I wrote for about 2.5 weeks, not a month. Embarrassed at my selective memory.
If I were to do that same month now, I don’t know if I would ward off my anxiety. Not entirely, anyway. I’d like to think I would pull it off, since I do believe that took some solid discipline, even for an unemployed and primed college student full of sperm and ego. (Sorry, parents. But don’t act like you don’t know about sperm)
The simultaneously great-and-shitty part about ambition is that it’s exponential. It feeds and grows on itself, as well as feeds your skills and career. I should foster my ambition for this reason, since It helps so many parts of my life, but I’m honestly scared of how much it will hurt when I’m unable to put in the work.
That doesn’t feel like a proper fear. I don’t think I actually fear my ambition growing. Moreso my ego, or self awareness, or patience. Over Ambition isn’t a problem if I allow myself to fail, recognize that I failed and why I failed, and take those failures with a constitution that allows me to continue and keep enjoying the process.
What I really hope to gain isn’t just ambition, it’s the self awareness of my true value. How good am I really - not only overall, but compared to the work I was providing a year ago. How do I know I’m improving? In what way can I seriously measure success, or progress towards my next goal?
And that brings me back to Gary. He didn’t know. In his words he “ate shit” throughout his twenties and enjoyed the process of it all. I think it all boils down to that. That can be my mantra for now.
It got me to write this, didn’t it?
There. I feel it again. It’s exactly how I felt 2 years ago, when this blog was just a valve for my shitty ambition-noxide to escape. I gotta make sure to twist it every now and then. And trust the process.
Thank you, Gary.
