For Christmas Ashley got me a jar with a bunch of writing prompts in there. I've used it a few times, but this one was my far my favorite. I tried to knock it out this morning and I think it turned out just fine.
Have a great day. Thanks for reading
Prompt 38: Write a poem that gives directions on how to do something.
How to change your Identity
By Jesse ""The Rock" "Poonslayer7"" "D" Gardner
When once upon a time I was
A silly man with a simple name
A fellow with no hint of buzz
Loving life, however lame
But inspiration struck me just
As confidence inside me grew
Comedic pride, the jester's lust
Told me just then what I should do
At one pm, age seventeen
In order to my frail-self mock
Wrote out a new persona, clean
"Jesse G" Mid name "The rock"
In stoic pride I turned aside
And gazed upon indifferent teens
With saddened eyes, I realized
My lack of popularity
I changed since then, that's how it goes
Yet this was not the final day
A new identity I chose!
It's now the Poon. And how I slay
My chest puffed out, my ego swole
As if this was my destiny
The Poon infused into my soul
And then my bros thought less of me
It's fun and easy, join me friends
Go and try this simple trick
Your name is new! Although this tends
To make you come off like a dick
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Finding Pride
It's always been hard for me to feel proud of myself. I don't know where this came from, if it's a problem or a good quality, but it's always been there. Whenever I achieve something, the feeling of happiness dwindles after a few hours. I almost completely forget about it after a day or two.
*Note. This doesn't mean stop giving me positive feedback. I love that shit. Just don't be surprised when I act awkward.*
It's totally possible that this is normal. That nearly everybody feels the same way after getting a good grade or award or a compliment. I just wish it wasn't like that. The immediate affect is great! But it goes away so quickly. Work hard for an hour, feel the accomplishment for twenty seconds. It's a tough ratio. I guess it gets me back to work, though.
I've been thinking about this problem for a while. I usually come to the conclusion that this is a good quality. A great attribute for production. Finish a project, back to the old grind. Get a compliment, don't let it get to your head. Sounds like what we've heard our whole lives, no? The protestant work ethic or some bologna like that.
The problem is, the grind is tough. That's why it's called, like, a grind. Compliments do get to my head, because I try to ward them off. I can't even accept them with grace, and then I overthink my thank yous to that person.
Consider the opposite, somebody gushing over a prize or title won from weeks ago. They find opportunities to bring it up or ask your opinions on it. Is that happiness? Is that true pride, or an obvious attempt to compensate for low self esteem? It seems like the ladder, but it's hard to tell. Those who brag and boast seem pretty happy in the moment. I really think they're struggling. I've been that person, junior-senior year of High School. I was a huge asshole. I had plenty of moments where I felt like god, though.
A lot of times when I write these things it helps me find an answer. Brings me closer at least. This post is really just a rehashing of thoughts I've had for years. It really is just another way of describing anxiety. And like I've said before, anxiety is a hell of a strong motivator. So maybe this is a good place to be.
But I don't know. I'm seriously unsatisfied with just accepting this mindset. It might be productive, sure, but there's no way productivity is the reason we're here. I'm not a protestant, dammit. I'm in my twenties playing video games and working five minutes from my house. Did you know I got a 15% raise the other day? Tuesday. I already forgot about it. Why can't I just hold on to that for another moment, letting that confidence carry into my work? Instead I'm pushed to the grindstone, pushing towards another little nugget, pushing towards something ethereal and impossible and unique. Just take the money and chill out, man. Take some time to enjoy it.
Look, I'm doing well. Really, I'm happy and occupied and driven. So please, give me compliments. I promise I can take it.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Learning From Your Parents
Growing up I was taught two philosophies. The first, from my father, could be easily bottled up into a phrase. "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." He's a singer/songwriter, and if you ever get the chance to her him sing Rattlin' Bog then I recommend it. He would use this expression all the time. Nice ring to it, huh? You might have heard it before. Probably not as much as me, but I'm happy that it's been drilled into my head. Sometimes I get guided a bit more by the 'never work' portion more than the 'do what you love' bit, but we all have our perceptions.
The second philosophy, from my mother, was a little harder to pin down. She did, however, lead by example. She has had an interesting string of careers that have done a whole lot for our family and for that I will always be grateful. She brought home not only a paycheck, but those sweet sweet benefits baby. She also did not do what she loved. My mother doesn't hate her jobs, by any means, but if there was a San Junipero in real life, I doubt she would be managing a utilities warehouse in all the different decades.
If I had to bottle up her lessons, it would be "Don't end up like your father." A harsh sentence for me to even write, but it's so, so true. And don't worry, I'm posting this on facebook but definitely blocking my parents. They'll be held over from yesterday's post.
I'm very much like my parents. I see it everyday. I think we all start seeing it at some point, no? Some people fight it, maybe by moving out early or working at a smoke shop at 17 or dating a 34 year old biker who's actually gay but there's nothing wrong with that. It's a scary thing when I get angry and act exactly like my father. Even worse, when I get angry and act exactly like my mother. I've seen my parents' flaws so now it shocks me when I have them too. I do have an advantage that neither of them had at my age. I journal like a motherfuckin' mad dawg, yo. Workin out those feelings like hey now.
I want to grow up and be like both my parents. I want to be an artist and dream of a holy land where work is a constant wrestle with the intangible genius, an endless cycle of desperately wringing a cloth to capture an ounce of water. I also want to be able to get myself there. I want to be able to have a family. And if that means I drudge through the monotony of nine to five, fueled by my life's purpose waiting for me at home, then I guess that'll do too. Right now I can forge a path where both of those things are possible.
What's so amazing about my parents is that they both got me to where I am today. They are absolutely incredible parents for a young comedian. My father has been present in my life even after moving out, keeping interest in my new endeavors and projects, always pushing me up and looking out for my improvement. My mother has kept me firmly in the present, helping me time after time with important paperwork and obligations while giving me a great perspective on work ethic. Her decision to keep me around for a few years in the (new and cool) basement allows me to establish a routine and incubate as an artist (I call it the incu-basement). They're also good comedian's parents because their relationship is so fucked up. It helped me get some good material when starting out.
My parents gave me two tools for a fulfilled life. Do what you love, get the work done. Those lessons will stick with me forever. Also on the list, live with somebody before you marry them. Or don't get married. Maybe have just two kids? Live somewhere warmer? Maybe I'm just fighting against being just like my parents. Maybe it's time to do less of that.
The second philosophy, from my mother, was a little harder to pin down. She did, however, lead by example. She has had an interesting string of careers that have done a whole lot for our family and for that I will always be grateful. She brought home not only a paycheck, but those sweet sweet benefits baby. She also did not do what she loved. My mother doesn't hate her jobs, by any means, but if there was a San Junipero in real life, I doubt she would be managing a utilities warehouse in all the different decades.
If I had to bottle up her lessons, it would be "Don't end up like your father." A harsh sentence for me to even write, but it's so, so true. And don't worry, I'm posting this on facebook but definitely blocking my parents. They'll be held over from yesterday's post.
I'm very much like my parents. I see it everyday. I think we all start seeing it at some point, no? Some people fight it, maybe by moving out early or working at a smoke shop at 17 or dating a 34 year old biker who's actually gay but there's nothing wrong with that. It's a scary thing when I get angry and act exactly like my father. Even worse, when I get angry and act exactly like my mother. I've seen my parents' flaws so now it shocks me when I have them too. I do have an advantage that neither of them had at my age. I journal like a motherfuckin' mad dawg, yo. Workin out those feelings like hey now.
I want to grow up and be like both my parents. I want to be an artist and dream of a holy land where work is a constant wrestle with the intangible genius, an endless cycle of desperately wringing a cloth to capture an ounce of water. I also want to be able to get myself there. I want to be able to have a family. And if that means I drudge through the monotony of nine to five, fueled by my life's purpose waiting for me at home, then I guess that'll do too. Right now I can forge a path where both of those things are possible.
What's so amazing about my parents is that they both got me to where I am today. They are absolutely incredible parents for a young comedian. My father has been present in my life even after moving out, keeping interest in my new endeavors and projects, always pushing me up and looking out for my improvement. My mother has kept me firmly in the present, helping me time after time with important paperwork and obligations while giving me a great perspective on work ethic. Her decision to keep me around for a few years in the (new and cool) basement allows me to establish a routine and incubate as an artist (I call it the incu-basement). They're also good comedian's parents because their relationship is so fucked up. It helped me get some good material when starting out.
My parents gave me two tools for a fulfilled life. Do what you love, get the work done. Those lessons will stick with me forever. Also on the list, live with somebody before you marry them. Or don't get married. Maybe have just two kids? Live somewhere warmer? Maybe I'm just fighting against being just like my parents. Maybe it's time to do less of that.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Updates and Naive Goals
I like the feeling of writing in this blog. I can't do it every morning, because I don't feel like it every morning. When there's an obligation to put myself out in front of everybody it makes me want to do nothing at all. When it's on my terms, it becomes a little exciting motivation to actually have grammar. Today I feel like checking in.
First, updates. New computer. New, expensive computer. Two monitors. Both of them curved. It's a cool set up, one that I will be sharing once the rest of my living space is set up.
Oh yea, I have a new living space too. Not exactly the talk of the town, but Its a big step for me and will most likely be my residence for the next two years. Full disclosure, I'm in my mom's basement. There's some inherent shame in that, sure, but I don't wanna spend the whole page writing about how I don't deserve anything. That was last week's thing.
My room is set up down here now, with my kickass computer and all, so its a matter of "what now?" Luckily, I have this weird thing where I can't sleep unless my next two months have some direction. It's good for keeping on track, I guess. It's bad for sleep, good for catching up with old friends when they ask what I'm up to. That's why I do it, baby. Loading up on conversation topics for that sweet five year high school reunion.
I've told enough people right now that I'm comfortable posting about it, but I'm starting a YouTube channel. And a twitch. I always, always try to refrain from sharing stuff like this, because I hear it all the time. Everybody who gets good at melee sends a tweet out or something talking about their big plans to start a channel and start putting out content, stay tuned! And then they don't. Or they make a video that gets 60 views and they give up. It's a saturated field with meager results for the first 8-20 months, little recognition outside of internet communities and a huge time sink if you're not familiar with editing software.
Lucky me, 8-20 months is just enough time for me to piss off my mom and get kicked out of the house. I'm slightly familiar with editing software, and all I crave is little recognition from online communities. It's a golden goose I was born to chase.
The other day I was catching up with a friend from highschool and he raised a very interesting point. People our age are pretty naive. Very naive, in fact. But that naivety is important. It's the reason we put time into projects, thinking they're going to take off. It's the reason we pursue these dreams and get some sort of satisfaction, and experience, from our efforts. It's the reason we don't vote, I guess. Whatever the reason for this naivety, I'm trying now to embrace it. I have zero way of knowing how this whole endeavor will go. If it will be any good, or if each video will take forever, or if I'll just start break down crying and sell my desk on LetGo.
All I know is what I want from this, and it's a life I've been chasing since I was nine years old. Making a job out of video games. Tell me that isn't worth striving for! That it's a bad use of my 5 hours every night after work. I think it's worth it. I think it's possible. But maybe I'm just a naive little 4th grader. Either way, I'm about to learn.
First, updates. New computer. New, expensive computer. Two monitors. Both of them curved. It's a cool set up, one that I will be sharing once the rest of my living space is set up.
Oh yea, I have a new living space too. Not exactly the talk of the town, but Its a big step for me and will most likely be my residence for the next two years. Full disclosure, I'm in my mom's basement. There's some inherent shame in that, sure, but I don't wanna spend the whole page writing about how I don't deserve anything. That was last week's thing.
My room is set up down here now, with my kickass computer and all, so its a matter of "what now?" Luckily, I have this weird thing where I can't sleep unless my next two months have some direction. It's good for keeping on track, I guess. It's bad for sleep, good for catching up with old friends when they ask what I'm up to. That's why I do it, baby. Loading up on conversation topics for that sweet five year high school reunion.
I've told enough people right now that I'm comfortable posting about it, but I'm starting a YouTube channel. And a twitch. I always, always try to refrain from sharing stuff like this, because I hear it all the time. Everybody who gets good at melee sends a tweet out or something talking about their big plans to start a channel and start putting out content, stay tuned! And then they don't. Or they make a video that gets 60 views and they give up. It's a saturated field with meager results for the first 8-20 months, little recognition outside of internet communities and a huge time sink if you're not familiar with editing software.
Lucky me, 8-20 months is just enough time for me to piss off my mom and get kicked out of the house. I'm slightly familiar with editing software, and all I crave is little recognition from online communities. It's a golden goose I was born to chase.
The other day I was catching up with a friend from highschool and he raised a very interesting point. People our age are pretty naive. Very naive, in fact. But that naivety is important. It's the reason we put time into projects, thinking they're going to take off. It's the reason we pursue these dreams and get some sort of satisfaction, and experience, from our efforts. It's the reason we don't vote, I guess. Whatever the reason for this naivety, I'm trying now to embrace it. I have zero way of knowing how this whole endeavor will go. If it will be any good, or if each video will take forever, or if I'll just start break down crying and sell my desk on LetGo.
All I know is what I want from this, and it's a life I've been chasing since I was nine years old. Making a job out of video games. Tell me that isn't worth striving for! That it's a bad use of my 5 hours every night after work. I think it's worth it. I think it's possible. But maybe I'm just a naive little 4th grader. Either way, I'm about to learn.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Twenty-Two, Privileged, and Anxious
Lot of anxiety going on as a 22 year old.
I think that's normal. My only points of reference are podcasts, which I listen to every day, featuring comedians complaining about their twenties. Well, not really complaining. I'm not sure what it is, but there's a combination of regret and blissful nostalgia that lives inside of nearly every comedian I've listened to. Many of my idols have anxiety, a higher percentage cite having the problem around my age. I hope it's normal. It probably is.
I thought that my anxiety was caused mostly by college's difficulty, the constant struggle to achieve mixed with an ever-changing daily routine. That never quite felt like the answer to me, college wasn't that hard (Comm major waddup) and the routine only got hard at the end of each semester. I didn't need a break either, weeks spent home from school were sometimes the toughest to manage. I couldn't pinpoint it, but when can you? That's the toughest part about anxiety, its intangible, relentless, and always floating 1.05x arms length away.
Don't get me wrong, I've mostly kept busy and enjoyed myself up through this point, but anxiety comes through every so often and its a tough bug to get rid of. There are nearly thousands of solutions out there to the problem, too. Exercising more, healthier diet, more sleep, less masturbation, yoga, meditation, more masturbation. I've been really into one of these methods, but it's definitely more of a short-term solution.
But should there be a solution? Is there something to accomplish here? Is anxiety an ailment to cure? A puzzle to solve? The more I live within the constant ebb and flow of emotional security I tend to lean more towards a big fat 'no'. I think anxiety is here to stay, for everybody. It can be managed, of course, and some people have it way worse than others. But if you're constantly looking to eliminate all traces of anxiety, depression, sad feelings, an old addiction rearing it's seductive head, or any other demons with you right now, you're going to be constantly disappointed. And that's when anxiety really takes a hold.
So I'm just here trying to manage my anxiety. I took up a hobby a few years ago that challenged me, introduced me to friends, and allowed me to develop a skill I'm proud of. But now I'm getting anxious about placings and results. This is a new flavor of anxiety, a little less spicy but it sits in my gut for longer and tastes like black coffee.
These problems can't be solved. But they can be managed, perhaps even used. John Mulaney has a great attitude about anxiety, calling it 'free cocaine' that helps you get your work done. I tend to agree. I hope that we all can find a useful way for us to manage our own personal shitty-thought expansion pack, preinstalled in every brain.
To conclude, I need to say that I'm so, so lucky to have had a childhood that led me into such mild, even productive problems. Most people less fortunate than myself find their anxiety comes from much more pressing issues, whether it's financial or stemming from a shitty family life. That's a flavor I havn't tried, and I never want to, but I understand if my post doesn't resonate with you. If that's the case, I encourage you to write about your own issues. I would love to read about them. It would be infinitely more interesting than mine.
Thanks for reading.
I think that's normal. My only points of reference are podcasts, which I listen to every day, featuring comedians complaining about their twenties. Well, not really complaining. I'm not sure what it is, but there's a combination of regret and blissful nostalgia that lives inside of nearly every comedian I've listened to. Many of my idols have anxiety, a higher percentage cite having the problem around my age. I hope it's normal. It probably is.
I thought that my anxiety was caused mostly by college's difficulty, the constant struggle to achieve mixed with an ever-changing daily routine. That never quite felt like the answer to me, college wasn't that hard (Comm major waddup) and the routine only got hard at the end of each semester. I didn't need a break either, weeks spent home from school were sometimes the toughest to manage. I couldn't pinpoint it, but when can you? That's the toughest part about anxiety, its intangible, relentless, and always floating 1.05x arms length away.
Don't get me wrong, I've mostly kept busy and enjoyed myself up through this point, but anxiety comes through every so often and its a tough bug to get rid of. There are nearly thousands of solutions out there to the problem, too. Exercising more, healthier diet, more sleep, less masturbation, yoga, meditation, more masturbation. I've been really into one of these methods, but it's definitely more of a short-term solution.
But should there be a solution? Is there something to accomplish here? Is anxiety an ailment to cure? A puzzle to solve? The more I live within the constant ebb and flow of emotional security I tend to lean more towards a big fat 'no'. I think anxiety is here to stay, for everybody. It can be managed, of course, and some people have it way worse than others. But if you're constantly looking to eliminate all traces of anxiety, depression, sad feelings, an old addiction rearing it's seductive head, or any other demons with you right now, you're going to be constantly disappointed. And that's when anxiety really takes a hold.
So I'm just here trying to manage my anxiety. I took up a hobby a few years ago that challenged me, introduced me to friends, and allowed me to develop a skill I'm proud of. But now I'm getting anxious about placings and results. This is a new flavor of anxiety, a little less spicy but it sits in my gut for longer and tastes like black coffee.
These problems can't be solved. But they can be managed, perhaps even used. John Mulaney has a great attitude about anxiety, calling it 'free cocaine' that helps you get your work done. I tend to agree. I hope that we all can find a useful way for us to manage our own personal shitty-thought expansion pack, preinstalled in every brain.
To conclude, I need to say that I'm so, so lucky to have had a childhood that led me into such mild, even productive problems. Most people less fortunate than myself find their anxiety comes from much more pressing issues, whether it's financial or stemming from a shitty family life. That's a flavor I havn't tried, and I never want to, but I understand if my post doesn't resonate with you. If that's the case, I encourage you to write about your own issues. I would love to read about them. It would be infinitely more interesting than mine.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, December 22, 2017
Giving a Truth Tour
I have no idea what it really takes to be a comedian. One of my short term goals is to build up the courage to write "Comedian" on my Facebook page, a change so massive that it must be put off for as long as possible.
But I'm not even trying to tackle the logistic side of making money or getting jobs off of comedy. It would be entirely derivative of what I've heard actual comedians talk about. The only thing I have is my own experience and my recent feelings. And this blog. And a Nintendo Switch.
I'm so attracted to comedy because I love being able to live inside of truth. Not only that, but I get to to control exactly how much a person knows about me, with almost no limitations or bounds besides the prerequisite of being funny.
I'm thinking now of a persons truth being a house. When a show is put on, the audience comes by and wants to see what's going on with the property. You get to choose how that tour is going to go. Some comedians like to bring people into their house and show them all the crazy shit going on, like a sink that's been broken since childhood or a living room they can't stop peeing in. Some comedians go the other way and just show all the cool bugs hanging on the yard. Some might even build hedges so you can't even peek through the window.
It doesn't matter what you do, you just need people to leave saying "Hey, that was a really cool house."
I don't really struggle with this concept, I'm more just at a stalemate. I have done shows where I got to speak publicly on my problems and what's hurting me, and when I got off stage I felt like I really found what I needed to do. I let strangers in through the front door and they hugged me on the way out. It really was a beautiful time, even though the act was fairly bad by most people's standards.
There's no other way for me to pursue this than finding my truth and speaking to it as much as possible. Way easier said than done. It's also easier said than understood! What does finding your truth even mean? You can show people your home, but how solid is the bedrock? How do the pipes and outlets work? Why do you have a huge forest in your backyard, and why are you just ignoring all the coyotes? It may be fun to let people in for a tour, but when they leave you still gotta stay. Is it really that great having a funny leak in the bathroom? Or is it worth the time to fix it? Is my goal to entertain or to build myself a healthy fuckin environment? Are you still following this metaphor?
Openness is an incredibly scary thing, no doubt. But it's the biggest reason I want to be a stand-up. It's also the biggest reason I write this blog, as a way to express and connect. I'm letting people into an intimate space, rooms they can judge and decorations they can hate. But if, at the end of the truth tour, somebody is smiling? That's the whole reason I do it.
But I'm not even trying to tackle the logistic side of making money or getting jobs off of comedy. It would be entirely derivative of what I've heard actual comedians talk about. The only thing I have is my own experience and my recent feelings. And this blog. And a Nintendo Switch.
I'm so attracted to comedy because I love being able to live inside of truth. Not only that, but I get to to control exactly how much a person knows about me, with almost no limitations or bounds besides the prerequisite of being funny.
I'm thinking now of a persons truth being a house. When a show is put on, the audience comes by and wants to see what's going on with the property. You get to choose how that tour is going to go. Some comedians like to bring people into their house and show them all the crazy shit going on, like a sink that's been broken since childhood or a living room they can't stop peeing in. Some comedians go the other way and just show all the cool bugs hanging on the yard. Some might even build hedges so you can't even peek through the window.
It doesn't matter what you do, you just need people to leave saying "Hey, that was a really cool house."
I don't really struggle with this concept, I'm more just at a stalemate. I have done shows where I got to speak publicly on my problems and what's hurting me, and when I got off stage I felt like I really found what I needed to do. I let strangers in through the front door and they hugged me on the way out. It really was a beautiful time, even though the act was fairly bad by most people's standards.
There's no other way for me to pursue this than finding my truth and speaking to it as much as possible. Way easier said than done. It's also easier said than understood! What does finding your truth even mean? You can show people your home, but how solid is the bedrock? How do the pipes and outlets work? Why do you have a huge forest in your backyard, and why are you just ignoring all the coyotes? It may be fun to let people in for a tour, but when they leave you still gotta stay. Is it really that great having a funny leak in the bathroom? Or is it worth the time to fix it? Is my goal to entertain or to build myself a healthy fuckin environment? Are you still following this metaphor?
Openness is an incredibly scary thing, no doubt. But it's the biggest reason I want to be a stand-up. It's also the biggest reason I write this blog, as a way to express and connect. I'm letting people into an intimate space, rooms they can judge and decorations they can hate. But if, at the end of the truth tour, somebody is smiling? That's the whole reason I do it.
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
My Best Tournament Performance
I'll start off by saying I know how this comes off. Obnoxious, a little arrogant. Probably unnecessary, definitely not humble. I think I would get annoyed if I saw somebody else do exactly what I'm doing. And if you feel differently about me because I'm doing a write up after one tournament, that's totally okay.
But here's the thing, I need to write this. I'm in a very unique situation after a rare alignment of the stars, and if I wait too long I won't be able to really capture how I'm feeling. I guess the best thing I can do is not post it. But I really like when people read my shit. Whatever, enough of this intro.
Last night I had the best tournament of my life, no doubt about it. I beat three players ranked top 20 in Tristate. Three amazing players with their own story to tell and great success within the community. Three players I have incredible respect for.
Here's the thing about melee that non players probably won't understand. This is a great achievement, yes, but these guys are still better than me. If you watch my matches with Kaeon and Smuckers they miss stuff that they normally don't miss. The match against 2saint was better but even he missed like every SDI on my upairs. I'm not calling these players out by any means, ask them and they would agree they played poorly, I just need to share that I had luck on my side.
I need to give myself a little credit for sure. I had some good combos and kept composed. But yesterday was the perfect storm. I won't go into specifics, but I do know that all of those players were newcomers to that venue,among other factors, while I had been there four times prior. * That definitely plays a factor in how comfortable you are playing the game, especially when the commentators are feet away and within earshot. It takes adaptation. Yesterday wasn't a fluke, but it was definitely lucky. Very lucky.
I wanna take a step back from explaining myself and the situation. How do I feel right now? What does that change? The most obvious is a real sense of joy, I won't deny myself that. I had to eat an entire Taco Bell box at one in the morning to bring myself down a few pegs. I screamed with nonsensical bliss on the ride home and almost broke down crying. I know melee meant a lot to me, I just didn't know that results were that important. However sad it might be, it's true.
I began thinking about the possibility of achieving top 20 in Tristate and how exciting that would be. I tickled with the idea of striving for top 100 in 2018. All of these things are possible for somebody who started the same time I did (Look at Zain!) and now I actually believe that I can do it. I don't know if I really want to go for it, though.
Before yesterday I believed that I was as good at the game as I wanted to be. I told people that, perhaps as a way to protect myself from new losses or bad tournaments. I still feel the same way, but I'll edit the sentiment. I'm going to be as good as I'm going to be, working less than I did. I just can't keep up the same grind that I have for the past few years. I want to just have fun at tournaments.
But that conflicts with the ranking idea!
Ah, shit. Contradictions!
This changes way more than I thought it did coming into this post. I need to sit on it a little bit more. A big part of me wants to brag to coworkers, family, etc. to prove that I haven't been wasting my time. I'll try to refrain. After all, writing about it is way more pretentious anyway.
**Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know there are people who like my posts, but I don't know who you are! If you have any questions or just want to say hi, feel free to email me @ Jessegardner7@gmail.com**
*Maybe Smuckers has been there.
But here's the thing, I need to write this. I'm in a very unique situation after a rare alignment of the stars, and if I wait too long I won't be able to really capture how I'm feeling. I guess the best thing I can do is not post it. But I really like when people read my shit. Whatever, enough of this intro.
Last night I had the best tournament of my life, no doubt about it. I beat three players ranked top 20 in Tristate. Three amazing players with their own story to tell and great success within the community. Three players I have incredible respect for.
Here's the thing about melee that non players probably won't understand. This is a great achievement, yes, but these guys are still better than me. If you watch my matches with Kaeon and Smuckers they miss stuff that they normally don't miss. The match against 2saint was better but even he missed like every SDI on my upairs. I'm not calling these players out by any means, ask them and they would agree they played poorly, I just need to share that I had luck on my side.
I need to give myself a little credit for sure. I had some good combos and kept composed. But yesterday was the perfect storm. I won't go into specifics, but I do know that all of those players were newcomers to that venue,among other factors, while I had been there four times prior. * That definitely plays a factor in how comfortable you are playing the game, especially when the commentators are feet away and within earshot. It takes adaptation. Yesterday wasn't a fluke, but it was definitely lucky. Very lucky.
I wanna take a step back from explaining myself and the situation. How do I feel right now? What does that change? The most obvious is a real sense of joy, I won't deny myself that. I had to eat an entire Taco Bell box at one in the morning to bring myself down a few pegs. I screamed with nonsensical bliss on the ride home and almost broke down crying. I know melee meant a lot to me, I just didn't know that results were that important. However sad it might be, it's true.
I began thinking about the possibility of achieving top 20 in Tristate and how exciting that would be. I tickled with the idea of striving for top 100 in 2018. All of these things are possible for somebody who started the same time I did (Look at Zain!) and now I actually believe that I can do it. I don't know if I really want to go for it, though.
Before yesterday I believed that I was as good at the game as I wanted to be. I told people that, perhaps as a way to protect myself from new losses or bad tournaments. I still feel the same way, but I'll edit the sentiment. I'm going to be as good as I'm going to be, working less than I did. I just can't keep up the same grind that I have for the past few years. I want to just have fun at tournaments.
But that conflicts with the ranking idea!
Ah, shit. Contradictions!
This changes way more than I thought it did coming into this post. I need to sit on it a little bit more. A big part of me wants to brag to coworkers, family, etc. to prove that I haven't been wasting my time. I'll try to refrain. After all, writing about it is way more pretentious anyway.
**Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know there are people who like my posts, but I don't know who you are! If you have any questions or just want to say hi, feel free to email me @ Jessegardner7@gmail.com**
*Maybe Smuckers has been there.
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