You Ever Take Your Brain And Smush It Into a Bowl?

Hot damn it's coming down this morning!

I don't know why, but I always tend to feel like things are stagnating in my life when logically I know they aren't. Why is that? Is it because progress is usually very slow, and when we are inside of something it's difficult to really gain perspective on it?

Or is it that I'm not as committed as I need to be, in order to progress in what I'm trying to progress? Would I feel more confident in my journey if I had more achievements or milestones to point to and say "Look, I am on the right path. I know I'm doing well, because this was accomplished."

It seems unlikely that I just need an award or a threshold of viewers or readers or comments or likes. I already know this, and I know enough not to chase those types of rewards that exploit something in my brain, giving me a little dose of happiness and energy... Intellectually I know this. When I sit down and try to figure it out, that's when it's obvious. Day to day though, I'm always sucked in. When I have a good idea for a tweet and get excited when my notifications pop up, when I'm posting this stupid blog to Facebook and track how many people actually take a look. Why can't I stop it? Are there steps I'm missing here?

There's likely a middle ground I keep missing in the shuffle, a point where I can have my cake but only eat half. Maybe I'm on that right path, and as I swivel back and forth to finding my best direction I'm still heading forward, and that there is no perfect trajectory. The big fear is that I'm wasting time, and that the frivolous distractions of media will keep me from my potential. It's not unlikely. That's why it seems like I need to take drastic action from time to time. Why completing my habitual progression feels just like any other chore, on occasion. Why I want to feel like the things I'm doing are resonating with someone. The fear that the steps I'm taking are not enough, that just because I enjoy doing something doesn't mean it's worth the time. The fear is that a consistent journey will always be surpassed by someone smarter, and faster, and more passionate. Am I doing this all wrong?

Oftentimes I'll lean into this fear, taking it further and further until I'm on the verge of hopelessness. Why I do this is a mystery, perhaps an attempt of my subconscious to keep me from getting my hopes up. There's only so much a positive mindset can manifest into the world, no? Or maybe it's all backwards, and the only time I'm really set back is when I sit here and ponder my own aspirations. Or maybe I am in the middle of something great, a journey so magnificent that in retrospect this exact post will be so dramatically ironic that it becomes the focal point of a best selling biography. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that outside the rain has stopped, my negativity has been removed by the leech of self-expression, and my latest podcast is halfway done with its export. There's more to talk about.

I really have no idea what marketing is. A personal brand, a persona, a reputation, social media presence, all of these things confuse the shit out of me. I don't get it and I don't like it. The counter-cultural part of me is repulsed, finding the facade of Instagram unattractive, the brevity of Twitter unsatisfying and angry, the metrics of Facebook confusing. There's so much to be gained from these platforms, though, and the more time I spend bashing and avoiding them the less time I'm building something for myself. That's the shitty part here, that I'm both in complete control and failing in this aspect.

It just doesn't feel right, building my own brand. I hate those words, I'm averse to the concept, I'm intimidated by the competition, I'm unimpressed with the content I put up. It's a lot of negativity that I'm bringing to the table, and a stubbornness that I can make it work by putting words on a free, bland page and post it, pictureless, to my personal Facebook. Who do I think I am? Why would that possibly be enough?

Am I ashamed of what I'm writing? Maybe I don't think it's good enough yet. I started this blog by just writing posts and not sharing them anywhere, using it as a way to simply store my journal entries and practice writing as often as possible. Is that the only value here? Do I just need to be more patient, do what feels right, and in 5 years I'll be happy with what I did?

God, I must be unbearable. I legitimately tried to be positive for a hot second, and it went right back into my internal centrifuge of anxiety. That's alright, this is mostly for me. It always is. I won't be shameful about it.

All I can do is go back to the gameplan, and hope I'm doing things right. Trust the advice of those who want the best for me, stay financially, physically, and mentally stable. Have fun when I can, work hard often, and maybe uninstall Twitter.

Man, I fucking hate Twitter.

Friday

Friday....

Friday Friday, Friday. Friday..!
Friday?

Finally Friday!

Haiku's aside, Fridays always bug me out for a second. This morning I thought it was Saturday but I had forgotten to get paid. Seems like money's on my mind, and also I assumed that I had such a crazy night that I blacked out for a whole day. That's the type of party person I am, poor and wild.

I like getting drunk. I think I'm good at it. It's not that hard to be social when you drink, I know, so there's nothing I should be really bragging about. I do think that I have trained well in the art of having intoxicated fun at bars, as it was my most valuable lesson from the 4 years in Oneonta State College.

First off, I'm really good at getting peer pressured. Super good at it. Chugging a beer, taking a shot, if anything that will escalate the night is asked of me then chances are I will do it. Unless I'm close to throwing up. I'm insanely good at knowing my vomit limit, my spew line, my Demilitarized-Zone of puke. I might be easy to pressure, but when I'm one drink away I will back off. It's my Superpower.


I also know like 3 party tricks. I can catch things in my mouth, juggle, and freestyle when the time calls for it. It might sound like I'm putting together a resume for the worst movie in the world, but screw it, this is who I am. If things are getting boring (These are pregame tricks only, don't start a rap circle at a public place) I'll be like "Who want's to play grapes?" and then my friend's girlfriend's friend's boyfriend, who's now my best pal in the world, will pipe up like "What's that, J-Dawg?" and then he will throw grapes into my mouth from across the room while nobody watches. It will be fun for us, though. That's all that matters.

I'm a good listener too, before I get too wasted. I've found that when you can break through the first few minutes of meeting somebody, you can get them rolling on something interesting or personal and it becomes a fun conversation. Nobody wants to be boring, nobody wants to do small talk all night, so I try and get them to say some weird shit. There's an art to that, too, and listening intently is the biggest factor. Are they talking about their job? Did they bring up a coworker in a dismissive or slightly bitter tone? I'll be all like "Aww, you hate this Cathy person don't you? Fuck Cathy!" And they'll be all like "YYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH" And literally turn into He-Man, Gain the power of Grayskull, and start rattling off thirty ways why they hate Cathy. Those are my favorite times, cause it feels like I just cracked the code into the world's most interesting Jukebox. Plus, I gain the social credit needed to complain about my own workplace. It's a win-win, baby!

I think my favorite part of the night is the points in between locations, like between the pre-game and the first bar and all the hopping in between. Those are the best, when the whole crew comes out and we count our losses. Great idea, everyone in the party should be given a dog-tag so when they decide to split from the group they can give it to the host and they know it's over. Then outside a bar it's like "OkAY. ALRIGHT WHo do we HAve? One... Five... Thirteen, Plus three dog tags, that's sixteen! HOW many did WE STArt With?" You know, responsibility.

And the late night food, holy shit. That's the most magical moment in the world. That's the moment when you know it's over, when you can hang your hat up and put on your bib, then go to town on something that is absolutely not the correct thing to eat. I'm salivating already, imagining the Oneonta specialties that call to me this very day. My favorite was something called the Gooch Special, which was pulled pork on a hot dog bun, with Mac n' cheese on top, then garnished with crushed Fritos. My my, what a delectable treat. I look forward to the day where a food truck at 2AM sells something more perfect than that, but for now I'll settle with pizza.

What I miss most about College, though, is the mornings after a good rager. When I could sit around with my buddies, hung-over as all hell, going through Snapchats and trying to piece together the weird shit that went down. Those moments brought it all together, linked my normal state of sobriety with the exceptional stupidity and brazenness of my drunk-self. To know that the shortcomings I have normally can go away with a few ounces of liquid, and that I will always be appropriately punished for it. The instant nostalgia and humility of a hangover does something to a person that seems... healthy? Man, this is edging close to some terrible life advice. Who cares, drinking is fun.

So yes, tonight we party. And I'm excited for it, I guess. I'm into it Intellectually, like I know it'll be fun, but it's a bit too early to be into it spiritually. Physically I'm always ready, but my body is the one taking the punishment so I wouldn't say he's too pumped.

Anyway, see me in White Plains tonight. I'll be the drunk juggler rapping outside the bars.

Short and Sour

I'm facing a little bit of a problem... It's an internal one, a problem that most artists (or as we call them today, content creators) face I'd assume. What's going through my mind is a dilemma of wanting people to read what I'm writing (consume my content) while still remaining true to myself in all the work that I do.

These thought loops always get to me. Right now, at 6:40AM on the fourth rainy day in a row, this is when I need to bring forth my own optimism. Something to counteract the barrage of doubt coming from one side of my brain to attack the other. The easier part now, as opposed to when I was 19, is that I know how universal these doubts are. The thoughts of not being good enough, or not understanding the industry, or coming to terms with advertising oneself as a commodity rather than a fully fledged human. These are modern problems in the platform of blogging or *sigh* content, but this has been the artists' struggle since as long as there's been artists. And there's been art since as far back as the 1960's, from what I've heard.

(I only consider people who do LSD to be artists. Sorry Beethoven)

So what? Like, really, what am I getting up in arms about? There are easy ways to push this forward and become more legitimate. There's still value in writing things that people don't read, as long as I come to terms that they might read it one day. But writing just for myself is.. it's just not the point. I like being heard. I used to be ashamed of that, thinking that true art is to be crafted from the tortured solitude of a misanthropic genius, that anybody outside of that mold would be settling for less and creating incorrectly. That the appeal to the "masses" is inherently wrong, and any attempt to justify the desire for our art to be seen is to turn a blind eye to the evils of capitalism destroying any sort of true creativity.

And look, I'm not here to talk about capitalism. Well, I don't know, maybe I am. Maybe every artist has to really understand it, come to terms with it, possibly even learn to love it.

Is the free market anti art? It doesn't hate creativity, that's for sure. Right now there's a huge push for authenticity, something novel in our culture and undoubtedly in parallel with the value of artists. So now, in 2019, what is there to dislike about capitalism? What is actually wrong with a system designed the way it is now, with 10 platforms to distribute our art for free, for billions of people to potentially see us, for a living to be made from the comfort of our own swivel chair?

What's wrong is what has always been wrong, except it's easier. It's not free, it's not easy, but it's much easier compared to when art began in the 60's. I think what's scary for me is the idea of failure within this system is that much more embarrassing. Not because my friends or family will see me fail, but in my own head if I can't make this work then maybe I'm just not cut out for it. If I can't make my writing become something valuable in this context then perhaps it is just valueless.

It's a weak mindset. As pumped up and excited I was last week, this week is certainly a valley. I need to stay patient, work hard in my day job and side gigs, and do what I love. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.

It's hard though, man. Sometimes it just gets hard.

P.S

I got some good feedback on my post yesterday. I'm gonna sit on it for a little bit before hitting on the topic of Melee finances again.

To iBDW and Moky:

I have extreme sympathy for Moky and iBDW. I don't want to sit here and assume I can fix all of their problems, not even close, but I definitely felt the need to explore the issue and offer my perspective.

I know Cody well, I was one of the players that he cut in half on his ascent, and we played/met up at both upstate and tristate tournaments alike. I used to think me and him had a special bond because he would hug me at every tournament, now I see that it's his thing and I need to come to terms with it. I love the guy, truly. It breaks my heart to see him in the position he's in.

Moky I know less about, but we met briefly at Shine last year after he beat in bracket and he was a really cool guy. As a player, I admire him deeply and am in awe with the creativity and flash that he has while still packing some juicy results. After reading his story, I was again heartbroken, and so I come to this blog now with a great deal of frustration.

Two of our best melee players need our help. We need to help them.

I believe that this is the best time for these players to make a career in Smash. I truly believe they can do it, and everyone on twitter is certainly showing their support as well. The leverage from Smash Summit 8, their skills in the game, their popularity, all of this can be turned into something sustainable and profitable.

**Before I keep going, I should take a second to acknowledge that iBDW and Moky are two different people. When I say "What can they do" I'm speaking on their similarities as melee fox players, and the difficulties they both will have in making money with this game**

Here's the nightmare scenario here: Both of these players start streaming and they both do decently well. Donations come in strong and these players are hit with a huge wave of support. After a few months, this support dies down, and unless they really hit their strive as streamers before that happens, then they won't be making as much money anymore. Then it becomes a game of "Do I stream, or do I go to this regional where first place gets $1,200 and second gets $600?" Then, these guys aren't just competing for the love of the game, they're competing to survive.

It's very hard to predict a streamer's trajectory, particularly in melee. These players will no doubt hit an audience right away, and with consistency could definitely pull some good numbers. Who knows, maybe they'll hit their subscriber goals every month and be completely fine. The scary thing is, this is still a chaotic way to make money. There is very little consistency besides the monthly stipend that they (hopefully) get from their sponsors. I would be scared to take the plunge too, especially since Nintendo is a cruel god and provides nothing to the melee community.

This is a scary time for both of these players. I don't want them to become forgotten, or anyone thinking that the money they get from Summit or donations or their sponsors is enough. Again, it might be. I might be scared for no reason, projecting my own shortcomings within the community and the game onto two much more capable people. I definitely hope I'm wrong. In any case, with all that laid out, I want to talk about solutions.

All I can do is channel Gary Vee here... What would he say?

Let's talk about leverage. Both of these players have tremendous attention on them at this very moment, it's arguably their biggest asset. I think their number 1 goal should be building their brands further, and creating a network of people that can help them push and monetize their brand. Then, they can subsidize their careers with either 1. Merchandise 2. Coaching or 3. Patreon

They need to stream consistently, but more importantly distribute that content as far and wide as possible. In order to be a melee player with real value, you must put out clips, quotes, tips, interviews, anything and everything you can possibly do to keep people paying attention to you. It's the only hope, unless you both go on to hit top 8 at every major you go to from here on in. If that happens, then this was a waste of time, and I'll go back to my hole where I just say aggressive things about commentators that make me feel insecure.

Here's my final plea, if you want to support either Moky or iBDW or both, see what you can do for them passed donating. Help them build an infrastructure where they can sustainably leverage this attention into real money, not just flash floods of donations or amazon prime subscribers. Even if it's clipping cool shit on their stream and posting it places, it helps. If everyone does a small part, just enough so that you aren't taken off of your own path, then two of our favorite players can lead a happy life. And then, selfishly, we get to reap the benefits of watching these two masters develop into some of the best players our community has ever seen.

To Cody and Moky (We aren't on first name basis) I hope that you guys read this as well, and look into making this a real career independent of tournament winnings and other things outside your control. I believe in both of you with all my heart, and I look forward to the days of you doing an interview after winning a major, telling Homemadewaffles that everything worked out well, that you're happy, and that melee is the sickest game of all time.

Best of luck. I'm rooting for you both.

(P.S, Donating helps a lot. Way a lot. Donate if you can to these wonderful people)

Melee is crazy.

I gotta get a short one out, because taking a day off hurts more than you'd think.

I had a crazy good weekend. Spent quality time with four of my closest friends, partied on the days you're supposed to party, watched Smash Summit 8 (!!!!) and came out on Monday morning relatively unscathed. There's a lot to be said for how a person spends their weekends, usually mine are not all that special, and when I get the chance to see my buddies in person it really sets my mind right for the upcoming week.

Not to say that I'm not tired, cause I am, but I guess it's a better tired than other types. I might have another cup of coffee before noon type of tired. I know, that's not any sort of fatigue that I should be proud of.

Anyway, updating my life is pretty boring now, especially when I'm doing it nearly every day. What do I actually want to talk about?

.....

Melee is crazy.

For the uninitiated, Axe just won Smash Summit 8. His first ever major. The context behind that is almost too difficult to describe, so I won't really try, but if you take my word that it's a really big deal then we can talk about what it means to me, to my friends in the community, and the future of the game that I hold so dear.

It feels like this game won't ever go away. There's too much love pumped into it on a daily basis for it to really die, too many exciting things happening, too many players trying to create their own stories and contribute to the bigger picture. It's inspiring to see the rise of people that started playing after I did, iBDW specifically, and how he's gone from a new player to top 15 in less time than anyone I've ever seen. I'm sure there's someone starting now who will be amazing in 4 years or so, giving another seismic shift to the melee community.

 It's incredible, slightly unbelievable actually, how exciting these last few months have been for the game. I'm not the person to really speak on it, since I can barely remember my own sets let alone others, but I do want to reflect on how I feel. I have my own aspirations with the game, as you all may know, and the likelihood of those dreams seems directly coordinated to the health of the scene as a whole. What can I manufacture out of a game with this level of heart, excitement, attitude and durability? A hell of a lot more than other hobbies, similarly aged games don't get the same attention as this masterpiece that's for sure.

And of course I tie this into my own experience, since that's all I can do and all I really would like to do, so I hope it doesn't come off as self-centered. I'm just saying that I'm inspired by those at the top, and while I know that my own aspirations don't lead to the same place (4th at summit, really cody?) I trust that following my heart is a worthy driver, and rarely the wrong move.

I guess it's just nice to be reminded why I do something, why I spend money and travel and shuffle around priorities. It's nice to feel a part of something, to look online and see hundreds of people get excited for the exact same reason at the exact same time. There's nothing better than community. Except for Melee, I think.

"Flip King of Weehawken"

Just sold some garbage for thirty bucks. Not actual garbage, I just found it next to a garbage can and took it for free, but if we're talking literal terms I turned trash into cash. Pretty cool.

This kick I'm on lately is filling me with a lot of energy. I'm not talking big bucks here, and not even over a long enough time to be talking about it so much, but it's where I'm at now and that's where I want to linger for a bit. I wanna dig into where this came from, why my brain keeps pulsing good vibes when I list something on Ebay or go through Nintendo games from my childhood. I've never cared so much about making money, so what changed?

Like with anything in life, there are different factors. Living on my own (rent, groceries, bills) is making me think harder about my income and how I manage my money. My day job is an entrepreneurial playground, and over the last year or so I've seen the power of online marketplaces, as well as learned how to use them. The media I consume plays a part too, as I'm literally following a framework set forward by one of my favorite internet personalities.

So yea, it makes sense that this is where I've landed. I have no doubt that I will continue this for the foreseeable future, especially since I need this money to fund my melee major addiction. I look forward to the first tournament I travel to funded entirely by this new hobby, a hobby financing another hobby. Pretty cool.

I dont like to talk on broad terms too much, but I do think theres a trend with people my age to get overwhelmed with the possibilities in front of us. We're told we can do anything, and now the internet gives us the tools to do that without leaving the couch. There's a lot of hope in that truism, but also anxiety, especially when you come against roadblocks, hesitation, failure or inadequacy. If I have so many tools, why am I still stuck? Why are there no results when I'm doing the thing that I love? If I cant succeed in my passion, if it's not who I am, then who am I?

These questions are shit-hard to answer!

I think I want to detach from these types of pursuits altogether. The framework of defining success is killing us, not the internet or Instagram or instant gratification. The exciting thing about selling random shit on the sidewalk isnt the thirty bucks, or the dream of being a millionaire using only Ebay, or any other lofty ideal. It seems to me that the best part of this is that it's real. Its grounded and indisputable, its directly correlated to the work that I put into it, and every sale that I make (remember, I'm up to 2 total. $37 profit. I dont know shit) is another sprinkle of freedom. This truly feels like the next great American frontier, and its exciting as all hell.

Usually I know pretty quickly when I like something, and I truly like this. I needed some way to fund my whole collection of side-quests, right? So maybe if I come into more money, a raise or whatever, then this will stop. I'm not saying this is who I am, my new identity isnt entrepreneur, I'm not aiming to be the flip king of Weehawken. All I know is that I've tried something and it clicked, and I just sold trash to some dude who thanked me for it... since I drove 30 minutes to deliver it.

Catch me in Brooklyn tonight, by the way. I'll be sifting through the dumpster next to Williamsburg's Acme

IDGAF.. JK I do

I don't write about my day job a lot. That's on purpose.

What should be the case is that I don't share a lot about my job, not that I don't write about it. I think back to all the crazy shit that's happened in my ol 9-5 and I hope that I'll be able to mark it down and remember it. I haven't shared because I don't want it to get to my coworkers how I feel about them, as I'm sure nobody else would want.

Is that a weakness, though? Caring about what other people would say to you if they were to read a blog about themselves? I've been taught not to care about what other people think since I was a little kid, so to completely inhibit myself from writing about this job, which I've had for over 1.5 years, feels a little like a failure.

I've always admired people who went overboard, especially for a joke. The people who see an opportunity to do something batshit and go for it without hesitation. Those are my type of people, I'm drawn to them, and in my head I always wish I had the courage to say things that I want to say without repercussion. I'm being quite vague, and that's on purpose too, since even a mild example might come off ass offensive.

I guess it's just not giving a fuck. That's what I wish I had more of.

I hate when people talk about how they don't give a fuck, it's clearly because they do, right? Also, people who say they don't give a fuck are often pretty upset when you challenge them on it, or don't take their side, or say anything that ruins their vibe. Is it possible to completely detach from other people? Is it even human to completely disregard what anybody else thinks of you, spin around in the middle of a room flipping double birds to the sales department and yelling "I don't give a fuuuuuuuuck!" They do. Otherwise they wouldn't have spun around like a performer.

I don't really understand my point right now, but that's alright. I wish I was just more bold. I'm finding a place for it, in improv practice or with people who like to push boundaries also, so with those outlets I can get it out of my system and code switch back to whatever else. Maybe I'm gearing up for the weekend, and this type of complaining coming out is a precursor to going hard as heck with all my friends. That's probably it. It sounds about right.

I just get annoyed by anyone who acts tough, speaks out often, can't take no for an answer. I don't think there's a lot of humanity in that. It feels calculated, like a decision was made at some point that they needed to put a barbed wire around their identity, and even if it keeps your ego safe from harm I think it's hard to take that wire away. Don't want people taking advantage of you? Fine. Want to further your position and gain respect? Alright, I guess you need to be a little aggro. Everywhere else, though.. Where does it leave you? What are you sacrificing with these personas? Those aren't leading questions, really, although I know some answers already. You're sacrificing being friends with me, dick. And I'm a sweet freakin friend.

But whatever, I can't judge. I don't know people. These types of guys (and it's mostly guys, let's be honest) are probably looking at the way I live as unbearable. I appease, I nod along with authority, I'm done what is asked of me, I try my best to hide ego. In my frat, my jobs, high school, that's just who I am. Doing anything else takes a lot of energy, and I don't know if I see any huge downside. My problem is that I become a target for these jackweasels, and that's where I need to start standing my ground. I need to learn how to bite back, not just retreat into the safety of my shell. This will take time, I'm sure. I'm not too concerned, since I always do have my shell to retreat into.

(In this short metaphor, the shell represents my sense of self and identity. It might not be full mature, but it can withstand outside forces and protect my vital functions)

So that's that. Being bold, learning to fight back, all that stuff. I'm trying to highlight my weaknesses as often as possible.

Being too nice sounds like a humblebrag. I'm not too nice, I just like being safe.