I cancelled my World of Warcraft subscription.
Note: If you're unfamiliar with the controversy surrounding Blizzard and Hong Kong, I suggest reading into it here
It's the first "political" action I've ever taken, besides voting. And I did it selfishly, not because I feel like it will really make any difference. I read a comment, something off-hand on Reddit, that said it's ok to take a stand on something like this just because it feels good. And so I cancelled it, and I'm sure my short-term productivity gains will prove this was a good decision.
I'm much more influenced by outside influence than I'm comfortable admitting. I take compliments to heart and insults to the gut. I follow closely the engagements on my Tweets and downloads on my podcast. Sometimes I'll look to my bank account for validation, not because I have a lot of money by any means, but because I had no money when I started working full time and it feels good seeing progress. I'd be lying if I said it's a priority to change this about myself, but some part of me is always aware that it's not healthy to lean on these things for any sort of happiness or stability. There is no magic number that will fulfill me completely, no viral tweet that will launch an amazing career. This part is just to remind myself of that.
This feels different, though. Like anyone else, I've been loosely following the Hong Kong protests in these months(?) for which they've been going on. I cheer for their tenacity, and even though there's virtually little I can do, this one action feels like solidarity. That even though I understand it's entirely for my own well being and conscious-soothing purposes, I can say without hesitation that I did something. I also know that every time I would pay that monthly payment, I was supporting a company that bent over backwards to satisfy China's brutal regime. I'm sure I do 100 things that contradict this, and I'm not trying to piss off any of my family in writing this, but I'm just here telling the story of the day. I quit something I enjoyed because my politics urged me to do so. I believe I acted truthfully. I do, indeed, feel better.
So now I'm thinking of what leads me to do anything, what constitutes "duty" or other such similar buzzwords. Is it enough to simply pay attention and react with honesty? Is it our duty to completely understand the days' topics, trusting the media with a grain of salt, finding the absolute truth before doing anything? How much of that is actually finding validation for doing the things we just want to do anyway?
How much soul searching is appropriate in simple consumption decisions, and at what point is it crippling? We of course need to take action eventually, we need to eat and shower and stay mentally sane. How can I tell when I'm being driven by Id or Ego, and when my willpower is low, how much self-criticism do I hammer into my head? These thoughts orbit me like dynamically-sized moons, mysteriously fluctuating in power, affecting my tides on a whim and causing blind spots at inopportune times. Sometimes they serendipitously align, leading me into a day of expression and love and confidence, bellowing positive waves for days to come and enchanting my mood with a faint golden hue. As though a sign from God, there's just now a beautiful sunrise coming through my window, angled just right so as to bless my hands but avoid my eyes.
I don't want to sound pompous or pretentious, since this is all just a basic action that many people would consider easy anyway. But I enjoyed my time with WoW Classic very much so, and have done a great deal of mental work to justify and accept how I played it. In the two months it's been out, I've accumulated more than 80 hours of play time. I can judge that number all I want, and I invite you to do so to your heart's content.
I now look to Hong Kong with a selfish and vain gratitude, as their actions and commitment to justice simply let me become more productive with my mornings. How fucked up is that? It's the best I can do, though. At least for now.
I walk away from this not with pride, not with a better understanding of honor or duty, but really just a good morning under my belt. A cold slap in the face to remind myself of what I value, and a short battle between my Id and Ego where the Ego emerges victorious. Maybe this is a first step to a capital G Good life, or maybe just a one-off virtue signalling content-seeking ploy for attention, or a simple way to satiate my growing fears and insecurities about the world.
It's not as fun as Warcraft though, I'll tell you that much.
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Make Money off Melee
Welp, it's that time of the Melee community's conversation life-cycle when we all despair on our game's financial opportunity. Or lack thereof.
Time to crack my knuckles and cautiously enter the fray yet again, and yes, I'm overtly aware of my position in all of this. Not as invested as top players, not as visible as top commentators, not nearly as committed as the top TO's. But I have opinions dammit, and I've covered/thought about the topic enough to at least give some insight.
So what's the problem here?
Melee is a difficult game to love, sometimes. We all know its intrinsic value, everyone inside the community has no trouble understanding why we love it so much, and what draws us to competition and large events. The game, the community, the energy, all of it. It's engaging and big and feels important, and the bonds I made within its borders are some of the strongest I've felt in my entire life.
There has been a common understanding that the finances are hard to pull off, damn near impossible for 99.9% of players. And, opinion time, that's kinda where most Esports are right now. We all see the big Fortnite and Dota 2 prize pools hitting the news, breaking records and confusing our relatives, and every time those winners hold up their seven figure checks the Melee world breathes a collective sigh into their bowl of Captain Crunch. "Why can't Nintendo support us like that?" we ask ourselves, before slurping down the remains of our dinner.
It's true, our developers don't support us. There are paths to this changing, feasible business strategies that rely on Nintendo fundamentally changing their views on Esports and 'Gambling', but most of these outcomes are a Pipe-dream. We know this. Most conversations, then, don't become about finding a million dollar meal ticket, but rather about survival. How do we keep our game alive, as we wander through the desert in the fruitless search of a promised land?
When players like Fiction and iBDW are pushing the game to it's limits, taking sets off of the absolute elite, yet can't seem to find a sponsor, what does that tell us? If players of that caliber are struggling to find stability, hell, even a stipend, then that's as much of a canary in a coalmine as I can imagine.
Financially speaking, our community is in the wilderness. Personally, I'm happy that I've never became a top player, since their struggle exceeds that of a local PR. To reach the top echelon of play requires sacrifice, both time and money, and when there are bills to pay it starts to become a question of "is this worth it?" Right now, we don't really have the answers.
As I've said in a previous post, aimed at Moky and iBDW, the best bet is for our rising stars to buckle down on brand and do everything in their power to market themselves. Slime puts it simply in a tweet, saying "Your job is to ultimately sell doritos, by being a god gamer, that's how the ecosystem works. any time you do something online or appear [sic] ask yourself "how will this help sell doritos"
Melee won't bring in money, but attention will. Our most important KPI is not exactly viewership, which is great for big tournaments, but rather our returning viewers. We have a strong following, a committed community, and that is 100% marketable. Maybe Doritos isn't elbowing through Bugals and Lays for a spot on our stream, but there are absolutely opportunities out there. The question is, how do we get them in on the action? Smashers in the marketing world, this is your time to shine.
There's an incredibly important point that always gets lost in these arguments, and that's the TO's and other people working in the background for these events. They are the liver of the melee community, misunderstood, critical to life, and constantly dealing with problems caused by alcohol. The TO's are running a thankless gig, and frankly I don't have the capacity to speak their truth right now. I reached out on Twitter to hopefully find someone that can shed light on their side of all of this, but from what I understand, they aren't exactly rolling in dough themselves. The Tournament Organizers might be the most important part of this solution, because guess what, if Taco Bell approaches us with a million dollar deal, It'll be Juggleguy handling negotiations before Mang0 does.
Let me end off with my personal experience, with my fledgling melee podcast and a short history of traveling. The greatest thing financial opportunities in Melee are likely outside of the game itself. Networking is brought up a lot, and although there might be some semantic satiation that renders the word meaningless, it's undoubtedly true that a wider network will help you find a good job. A job you don't hate, and one that can support your melee endeavors as we wander endlessly through the desert. Getting a part-time gig is not losing, it's called making a living. Every artist, comedian, singer, etc. has supported themselves this way. It needs to be considered.
For the top players, building a stream if of course important, but I'll stress that distribution is much more so. Look at Ludwig, he doesn't just stream, he has a YT channel and twitter accounts that puts his content out frequently. He gets commercials and sells merch. His commitment to content has gotten him to where he is today. Brand yourself. Marketing is the way out. Sell those Doritos.
"cool ranch will lead you to the promised land" - Slime
Time to crack my knuckles and cautiously enter the fray yet again, and yes, I'm overtly aware of my position in all of this. Not as invested as top players, not as visible as top commentators, not nearly as committed as the top TO's. But I have opinions dammit, and I've covered/thought about the topic enough to at least give some insight.
So what's the problem here?
Melee is a difficult game to love, sometimes. We all know its intrinsic value, everyone inside the community has no trouble understanding why we love it so much, and what draws us to competition and large events. The game, the community, the energy, all of it. It's engaging and big and feels important, and the bonds I made within its borders are some of the strongest I've felt in my entire life.
There has been a common understanding that the finances are hard to pull off, damn near impossible for 99.9% of players. And, opinion time, that's kinda where most Esports are right now. We all see the big Fortnite and Dota 2 prize pools hitting the news, breaking records and confusing our relatives, and every time those winners hold up their seven figure checks the Melee world breathes a collective sigh into their bowl of Captain Crunch. "Why can't Nintendo support us like that?" we ask ourselves, before slurping down the remains of our dinner.
It's true, our developers don't support us. There are paths to this changing, feasible business strategies that rely on Nintendo fundamentally changing their views on Esports and 'Gambling', but most of these outcomes are a Pipe-dream. We know this. Most conversations, then, don't become about finding a million dollar meal ticket, but rather about survival. How do we keep our game alive, as we wander through the desert in the fruitless search of a promised land?
When players like Fiction and iBDW are pushing the game to it's limits, taking sets off of the absolute elite, yet can't seem to find a sponsor, what does that tell us? If players of that caliber are struggling to find stability, hell, even a stipend, then that's as much of a canary in a coalmine as I can imagine.
Financially speaking, our community is in the wilderness. Personally, I'm happy that I've never became a top player, since their struggle exceeds that of a local PR. To reach the top echelon of play requires sacrifice, both time and money, and when there are bills to pay it starts to become a question of "is this worth it?" Right now, we don't really have the answers.
As I've said in a previous post, aimed at Moky and iBDW, the best bet is for our rising stars to buckle down on brand and do everything in their power to market themselves. Slime puts it simply in a tweet, saying "Your job is to ultimately sell doritos, by being a god gamer, that's how the ecosystem works. any time you do something online or appear [sic] ask yourself "how will this help sell doritos"
Melee won't bring in money, but attention will. Our most important KPI is not exactly viewership, which is great for big tournaments, but rather our returning viewers. We have a strong following, a committed community, and that is 100% marketable. Maybe Doritos isn't elbowing through Bugals and Lays for a spot on our stream, but there are absolutely opportunities out there. The question is, how do we get them in on the action? Smashers in the marketing world, this is your time to shine.
There's an incredibly important point that always gets lost in these arguments, and that's the TO's and other people working in the background for these events. They are the liver of the melee community, misunderstood, critical to life, and constantly dealing with problems caused by alcohol. The TO's are running a thankless gig, and frankly I don't have the capacity to speak their truth right now. I reached out on Twitter to hopefully find someone that can shed light on their side of all of this, but from what I understand, they aren't exactly rolling in dough themselves. The Tournament Organizers might be the most important part of this solution, because guess what, if Taco Bell approaches us with a million dollar deal, It'll be Juggleguy handling negotiations before Mang0 does.
Let me end off with my personal experience, with my fledgling melee podcast and a short history of traveling. The greatest thing financial opportunities in Melee are likely outside of the game itself. Networking is brought up a lot, and although there might be some semantic satiation that renders the word meaningless, it's undoubtedly true that a wider network will help you find a good job. A job you don't hate, and one that can support your melee endeavors as we wander endlessly through the desert. Getting a part-time gig is not losing, it's called making a living. Every artist, comedian, singer, etc. has supported themselves this way. It needs to be considered.
For the top players, building a stream if of course important, but I'll stress that distribution is much more so. Look at Ludwig, he doesn't just stream, he has a YT channel and twitter accounts that puts his content out frequently. He gets commercials and sells merch. His commitment to content has gotten him to where he is today. Brand yourself. Marketing is the way out. Sell those Doritos.
"cool ranch will lead you to the promised land" - Slime
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Sorry. I've been Playing WoW
I really shouldn't have to apologize.
There's a sinus like pressure building up in my.. well, i don't know exactly where to place it. My soul? Too dramatic. My ego, maybe. Somewhere in my brain, where my responsibilities reach my ambitions, I have a gnawing feeling that I'm doing something terribly wrong. I'm talking about, of course, world of warcraft classic being released and me playing it nearly as much as possible.
I actually wrote about this a few weeks back, but never felt the need to put it out on facebook the way I usually do. Maybe it was the shame. Actually yea, that's all it was. A bit of proof that this isn't a new feeling, that I was hesitant from the start, and that I can't shake the feeling that I'm not going about this the right way.
Right now, I don't feel guilt. I love playing this game again, especially at a time where I'm actually old enough to understand what to do. It's immersive as hell, it's fun and challenging, and it's filled with nostalgia. Like, that's it. That literally should be it.
The sad truth is, WoW isn't a game, it's a lifestyle. I'm not saying that I'm hardcore about it by any stretch, just in case my gamer friends think I'm flexing over here. All I know is that there's no other Video game like it. No Youtube channel, TV show, Streaming platform... Hell, even getting into TikTok didn't put such a dent into my free-time. WoW has, over the passed few weeks, stolen my free hours away from anything that wasn't pinned down. It has given me a new reason to wake up early for work, shit man, I even downloaded it on my office computer so I have a chance to play it when I'm not home. I am in there bros and brahs, and I have feelings about it.
And before I let anybody down, let me say that I don't have a take on this. Not yet, at least. All I can do is put words into existence and see how they feel reading back to me. I'm in strange territory here, since my ego is still too big to admit how easily I fell into the same routines that I had at age 14. I don't know if I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't know if I'm having a great time. All I do know is that I have gotten this far listening to my gut, and going against it has gotten me in trouble before. All I know is that today, for no particular reason, I felt more inclined to scribble down my madness instead of leap into the enticingly violent grasp of a gaming masterpiece. That's why I'm here instead of there. My gut says there's something wrong.
Now, I'm not going to quit. No way. I think I'm comfortable enough in saying that this game is insanely fun. Different than any gaming experience I've had in my entire life, even compared to playing this same exact thing as a kid. Somehow, it has exceeded every expectation that I had placed onto it, since I'm not only living in the nostalgia of a (seemingly) long-lost youth, but I'm correcting my mistakes in real time. I'm succeeding where I had once failed. blistering passed progress that would have taken me thrice the game-time as a dumb-ass kid.
Not only that, but I haven't sacrificed anything that's truly detrimental to my life...
Well, hold on a second.
Maybe I don't mean "truly." I most likely mean "immediately." I don't **Think** that I'm screwing myself over, doing something wrong, acting in a way that I may regret down the line. Figuring that our is an impossible task. I guess where I'm at, and what my real struggle might be, is trying to gain perspective on that voice in the back of my head. Is this just a mild warning, like a yellow check engine light that acts more as a distraction than a function? Or is it a loud trumpet that I'm just covering with one of those cones that they gave the weakest musicians in marching band?
How am I to react to my own self doubts, and can they be useful in any way? I'm lucky enough to have reached a point where I'm not in despair, and stable enough to know that it will take a lot of mistakes in order to really screw up my life. I want so badly to remain on a stable pathway up, to give myself quarterly reports as a human that satisfies my inner critic.
There's a sinus like pressure building up in my.. well, i don't know exactly where to place it. My soul? Too dramatic. My ego, maybe. Somewhere in my brain, where my responsibilities reach my ambitions, I have a gnawing feeling that I'm doing something terribly wrong. I'm talking about, of course, world of warcraft classic being released and me playing it nearly as much as possible.
I actually wrote about this a few weeks back, but never felt the need to put it out on facebook the way I usually do. Maybe it was the shame. Actually yea, that's all it was. A bit of proof that this isn't a new feeling, that I was hesitant from the start, and that I can't shake the feeling that I'm not going about this the right way.
Right now, I don't feel guilt. I love playing this game again, especially at a time where I'm actually old enough to understand what to do. It's immersive as hell, it's fun and challenging, and it's filled with nostalgia. Like, that's it. That literally should be it.
The sad truth is, WoW isn't a game, it's a lifestyle. I'm not saying that I'm hardcore about it by any stretch, just in case my gamer friends think I'm flexing over here. All I know is that there's no other Video game like it. No Youtube channel, TV show, Streaming platform... Hell, even getting into TikTok didn't put such a dent into my free-time. WoW has, over the passed few weeks, stolen my free hours away from anything that wasn't pinned down. It has given me a new reason to wake up early for work, shit man, I even downloaded it on my office computer so I have a chance to play it when I'm not home. I am in there bros and brahs, and I have feelings about it.
And before I let anybody down, let me say that I don't have a take on this. Not yet, at least. All I can do is put words into existence and see how they feel reading back to me. I'm in strange territory here, since my ego is still too big to admit how easily I fell into the same routines that I had at age 14. I don't know if I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't know if I'm having a great time. All I do know is that I have gotten this far listening to my gut, and going against it has gotten me in trouble before. All I know is that today, for no particular reason, I felt more inclined to scribble down my madness instead of leap into the enticingly violent grasp of a gaming masterpiece. That's why I'm here instead of there. My gut says there's something wrong.
Now, I'm not going to quit. No way. I think I'm comfortable enough in saying that this game is insanely fun. Different than any gaming experience I've had in my entire life, even compared to playing this same exact thing as a kid. Somehow, it has exceeded every expectation that I had placed onto it, since I'm not only living in the nostalgia of a (seemingly) long-lost youth, but I'm correcting my mistakes in real time. I'm succeeding where I had once failed. blistering passed progress that would have taken me thrice the game-time as a dumb-ass kid.
Not only that, but I haven't sacrificed anything that's truly detrimental to my life...
Well, hold on a second.
Maybe I don't mean "truly." I most likely mean "immediately." I don't **Think** that I'm screwing myself over, doing something wrong, acting in a way that I may regret down the line. Figuring that our is an impossible task. I guess where I'm at, and what my real struggle might be, is trying to gain perspective on that voice in the back of my head. Is this just a mild warning, like a yellow check engine light that acts more as a distraction than a function? Or is it a loud trumpet that I'm just covering with one of those cones that they gave the weakest musicians in marching band?
How am I to react to my own self doubts, and can they be useful in any way? I'm lucky enough to have reached a point where I'm not in despair, and stable enough to know that it will take a lot of mistakes in order to really screw up my life. I want so badly to remain on a stable pathway up, to give myself quarterly reports as a human that satisfies my inner critic.
-------------------------------------Dinner Break-------------------------------------
Man, I need to stop complaining about this. It's not fair to give this self doubt so much credence. It's not wrong to find joy and to seek more of it when given the opportunity, and it's not short sighted to enjoy playing video games. I don't know where this fear comes from, or this lingering, pestering feeling that it's not okay to have fun.
If I'm being honest, though, is that I'm struggling to reconcile my desire to play games with my desire to create and produce and achieve. Maybe a little willpower is exactly what I need right now, some self-discipline in the face of the well-crafted, undeniably strong, behemoth dopamine factory that is World of Warcraft. I shouldn't deny myself it's glorious adventure, but I can't delude myself into believing it is true glory. I need to realize that the parental warnings given to me in my adolescence were not for their amusement, but rather an understanding that their loved one might make some tragic mistakes.
So whatever this noise is, whether it's the remnant of loving parents' misguided advice, my own ambition trying to steer the ship, or simply the newest form of my anxiety just trying to fuck my shit up, there's something to listen to.
But for now, the grind continues.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Spending time aint cheap
On Thursday, World of Warcraft Classic made it's long anticipated entrance back into my life. Like most 9-5 working adults I have only limited opportunities to put my time into this sort of game, and this weekend blessed me with the perfect storm: Girlfriend out for the weekend, Labor day, and only a few responsibilities of my own. I would end up jumping back into a game that had been a huge part of my early teenage years, for better or worse.
There are a lot of ways to approach this topic, and realistically I'm only writing this to explore my own thoughts on the matter. Let's get this out of the way first, I spent 28 hours in the game, over a 4 day span. That's seven hours a day, dog. That's a pure binge.
And with any binge, Netflix or otherwise, there's a degree of shame that comes along for the ride. I'm not sure where that shame comes from, my guess is it's a remnant of my parent's voice as a 14 year old, who also spent every second he could immersed in WoW. Maybe there's some regret about how I spent my Saturday, and that the opportunity cost of playing a game I enjoy was that I was falling behind on creative endeavors or other entrepreneurial pursuits. Or maybe I've internalized what it means to spend "too much" time playing, and no matter what I do with my life or what position I am in, I will have the urge to turn around, point my finger up and say with confidence "I am ok with this, and I will prove it to you." If I'm being completely truthful, I would say that I'm really not that ashamed of myself at all, and that I had a good time, and that I would do it again.
The long term planning, intellectual side of my brain gives off little warning signs when I admit to these types of things. I need to listen to that, because even though society is bullshit and we should be able to enjoy ourselves without strings attached or a master plan to monetize every single thing we do, there are still parts of myself that know what it's like to make the mistake of playing too much. Shame can have a purpose, and it can save us. It's what brought me to write this down, rather than rush to level 24 in the hour I have to play this morning. It's what made me quit in the past and refuse to bring a computer to college, entirely out of fear that I would lean on the gaming too much and fall behind. And even though I just started playing this game, and that it's been out for less than a week, I understand that there is no room in my life to maintain this level of commitment. I will enjoy it until it's no longer fun, and then I will phase it out. And there's no shame in that.
I'm going to have this conversation with myself again, no doubt. Video games are in an interesting place right now, where there is room to leverage them into careers or side hustles, and the way we treat them has become intertwined with capitalism and our society at large. Super preachy here, let's chill for a second.
Gaming doesn't have to have an end goal... Right? I can just enjoy my time off, hang in voice chat with my friends, and immerse myself in a world that hasn't existed in years. My gut says that there is value here, and that should be enough.
Maybe later in my life all of these luxuries will be gone. Perhaps I will have kids, and when I'm sitting at a tee-ball game I will day dream of the last time I had a Saturday off, killing mobs and healing through dungeons. If I really want to live in a delusional world, I might say that I have a responsibility to my future self to play as much as humanly possible, front loading my enjoyment and giving myself plenty of memories to cling on too when my time becomes a scarce resource.
Who knows why I'm not ashamed. Maybe I'm less ambitious than I once thought, or maybe I want to hide from the giant mistakes I've made. It's honestly tough to say. I won't lash myself for the sake of seeming like I have a successful mindset. That's just not the way I roll. I'm here for a good time, baby! Live large and no regrets, etc. etc.
But man, this weekend was a good time. Here's to next labor day.
There are a lot of ways to approach this topic, and realistically I'm only writing this to explore my own thoughts on the matter. Let's get this out of the way first, I spent 28 hours in the game, over a 4 day span. That's seven hours a day, dog. That's a pure binge.
And with any binge, Netflix or otherwise, there's a degree of shame that comes along for the ride. I'm not sure where that shame comes from, my guess is it's a remnant of my parent's voice as a 14 year old, who also spent every second he could immersed in WoW. Maybe there's some regret about how I spent my Saturday, and that the opportunity cost of playing a game I enjoy was that I was falling behind on creative endeavors or other entrepreneurial pursuits. Or maybe I've internalized what it means to spend "too much" time playing, and no matter what I do with my life or what position I am in, I will have the urge to turn around, point my finger up and say with confidence "I am ok with this, and I will prove it to you." If I'm being completely truthful, I would say that I'm really not that ashamed of myself at all, and that I had a good time, and that I would do it again.
The long term planning, intellectual side of my brain gives off little warning signs when I admit to these types of things. I need to listen to that, because even though society is bullshit and we should be able to enjoy ourselves without strings attached or a master plan to monetize every single thing we do, there are still parts of myself that know what it's like to make the mistake of playing too much. Shame can have a purpose, and it can save us. It's what brought me to write this down, rather than rush to level 24 in the hour I have to play this morning. It's what made me quit in the past and refuse to bring a computer to college, entirely out of fear that I would lean on the gaming too much and fall behind. And even though I just started playing this game, and that it's been out for less than a week, I understand that there is no room in my life to maintain this level of commitment. I will enjoy it until it's no longer fun, and then I will phase it out. And there's no shame in that.
I'm going to have this conversation with myself again, no doubt. Video games are in an interesting place right now, where there is room to leverage them into careers or side hustles, and the way we treat them has become intertwined with capitalism and our society at large. Super preachy here, let's chill for a second.
Gaming doesn't have to have an end goal... Right? I can just enjoy my time off, hang in voice chat with my friends, and immerse myself in a world that hasn't existed in years. My gut says that there is value here, and that should be enough.
Maybe later in my life all of these luxuries will be gone. Perhaps I will have kids, and when I'm sitting at a tee-ball game I will day dream of the last time I had a Saturday off, killing mobs and healing through dungeons. If I really want to live in a delusional world, I might say that I have a responsibility to my future self to play as much as humanly possible, front loading my enjoyment and giving myself plenty of memories to cling on too when my time becomes a scarce resource.
Who knows why I'm not ashamed. Maybe I'm less ambitious than I once thought, or maybe I want to hide from the giant mistakes I've made. It's honestly tough to say. I won't lash myself for the sake of seeming like I have a successful mindset. That's just not the way I roll. I'm here for a good time, baby! Live large and no regrets, etc. etc.
But man, this weekend was a good time. Here's to next labor day.
Friday, August 16, 2019
It's More Than Melee
I'll go easy on myself this time.
Last weekend I went to Super Smash Con, a yearly tournament and convention in Virginia that entirely centers around, well, Super Smash Bros. It's a great time if you're as into it as I am, and being in a place where other people share your same obsession is really what the ideal "nerd" life comes down to. Comicon, Twitchcon, all the 'Cons, they're all celebrations of people's passions. That whole conversation is more of a vibe thing, though. I was really there to compete, as I do a few times a year at these "Major" tournaments.
Most of what I want to write about here is just a precursor to my podcast, since that's entirely focused on Melee, Will and I's experiences with it, and what we want out of it. I just realized now, four days after, that I had a very dense and compact experience, and that it will take more than the passive passage of time for me to fully absorb it. I love Majors for this reason, in that there's so much to take in and so much to learn.
When I talk about these tournaments to new players going to their first, I try not to fall into the tropes of a veteran's advice. "Have fun" or "Make the most of it!" are bullshit one liners that mean nothing, even though they're technically true. I don't look at these events as places where I'll have fun, since I'll have a good time regardless. I can't possibly make the most of it, since that doesn't really describe of what Is being made the most. Maybe I should make the most fun. Having the most fun is quite the achievement, and it usually goes to that one 8 year old that shows up with their parents and plays on the casual set up with three other kids. That's the most fun, absolutely. Good luck competing with that.
Sometimes it's hard to understand how to handle yourself at these events. Being a serious competitor makes it all much easier, though. I get to segment my weekend into distinguishable parts, tackling each part head on and applying lowering levels of discipline each time. For instance, when I first arrive at the hotel or venue, my goal is to do well in bracket. That's it. I will say hi to friends that I haven't seen in months, but it's not on my agenda to seek them out. I'm here to play, to warm up, to practice, and to compete. I will prioritize sleep and nutrition. I will be upfront those in my same hotel room, letting them know my individual needs and asking them to wait until later in the weekend to degenerate too hard. Ya do what ya gotta do. After all, we only get one shot at it.
Once I'm out of tournament though, that's when things heat up. One thing about this community, and I think it's actually a unique characteristic in the gaming world, is that we all know how to have a good time. We're playing a party game after all, so logic says we should have acquired some skill in how to party. We also play an old game, ie. no online play. We've been forced to travel to each others houses if we want to actually practice. Social interaction is important to us, and I take pride in that the friends I've made in the smash community would be a great time in almost any setting, with or without smash. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to have a friendlies room at my wedding, though.
The toughest thing about these weekend trips is the adjustment period afterwards. These last few days are historically when I have the worst time, when I need to get back onto a normal sleep schedule and catch up on any responsibilities pushed off by a full weekend. I actually did not have a bad time this week, likely since I avoided eating entirely fast food outside the venue, but some people don't get the same leniency. There are top players that make their living by traveling constantly, and if they treated these tournaments the same way I did then they would need to quit within a few months. Sustainability and health is a big conversation that's only being had among the top players. Interesting how that works, yea?
Outside of smash, there still exists that strange dichotomy of healthy living and finding joy. Alcohol is the x factor, but food, television, Social media, etc. are all a part of that equation. Video games likely rank as one of the most satisfying and addictive means of finding pleasure, and the culture around it oftentimes focuses on maximizing that fun in the micro as opposed to the macro. Late night sessions and drinking full bottles, gamers are often looking for that *ugh* epic night.
I think I'm starting to develop my own philosophy on this, in that I want to be able to have a medium amount of fun for as long as possible. I don't want to give up these wonderful trips, where I hang out with some of my favorite people in the only circumstances that I see them, just because I consistently feel sick and tired every time I return home. Alternatively, I need to be able to let my id run free, since a total focus on my longevity will take me out of the moment and lead me into an anxious and boring life. Striking the balance is my goal now, and it's actually been more of a positive experience than I could have hoped for. I don't feel like shit now, and I had a good time then. All around, pretty damn good. That's a my goal, to have a pretty damn good time, all the time.
Returning home on Sunday night, 1:30 AM, with a bag full of dirty clothes and a phone completely drained of battery, there's an undeniable feeling that I have created an important set of memories. This time around I made it a focus to spend time with a few important people, meet a few more, and not let anything get too "big picture-y." I played a lot of super smash bros. That's the real point.
I actually love this point of the trip, a few days afterwards during quiet, sober reflection, because it's when everything is the most clear. I have identified a cornerstone of my life, and have spent enough time with it and gotten good enough at it (49th out of ~850) that I can be proud in proclaiming how important it is to me. It's allowed me to be creative, pushed me to produce, and given me a sense of community practically on demand. It's allowed me to more fully understand what I value in my life, not fun or health but the cross section between them. I have another major next weekend, which is another opportunity to test my philosophy and spend time with important folks. I want to do well, but even that stress doesn't weigh on me the same way it once did. I don't compete to win, or to increase my reputation. I compete to explore myself. This is how I grow.
I'm also accepting all money matches, come at me nerds.
Last weekend I went to Super Smash Con, a yearly tournament and convention in Virginia that entirely centers around, well, Super Smash Bros. It's a great time if you're as into it as I am, and being in a place where other people share your same obsession is really what the ideal "nerd" life comes down to. Comicon, Twitchcon, all the 'Cons, they're all celebrations of people's passions. That whole conversation is more of a vibe thing, though. I was really there to compete, as I do a few times a year at these "Major" tournaments.
Most of what I want to write about here is just a precursor to my podcast, since that's entirely focused on Melee, Will and I's experiences with it, and what we want out of it. I just realized now, four days after, that I had a very dense and compact experience, and that it will take more than the passive passage of time for me to fully absorb it. I love Majors for this reason, in that there's so much to take in and so much to learn.
When I talk about these tournaments to new players going to their first, I try not to fall into the tropes of a veteran's advice. "Have fun" or "Make the most of it!" are bullshit one liners that mean nothing, even though they're technically true. I don't look at these events as places where I'll have fun, since I'll have a good time regardless. I can't possibly make the most of it, since that doesn't really describe of what Is being made the most. Maybe I should make the most fun. Having the most fun is quite the achievement, and it usually goes to that one 8 year old that shows up with their parents and plays on the casual set up with three other kids. That's the most fun, absolutely. Good luck competing with that.
Sometimes it's hard to understand how to handle yourself at these events. Being a serious competitor makes it all much easier, though. I get to segment my weekend into distinguishable parts, tackling each part head on and applying lowering levels of discipline each time. For instance, when I first arrive at the hotel or venue, my goal is to do well in bracket. That's it. I will say hi to friends that I haven't seen in months, but it's not on my agenda to seek them out. I'm here to play, to warm up, to practice, and to compete. I will prioritize sleep and nutrition. I will be upfront those in my same hotel room, letting them know my individual needs and asking them to wait until later in the weekend to degenerate too hard. Ya do what ya gotta do. After all, we only get one shot at it.
Once I'm out of tournament though, that's when things heat up. One thing about this community, and I think it's actually a unique characteristic in the gaming world, is that we all know how to have a good time. We're playing a party game after all, so logic says we should have acquired some skill in how to party. We also play an old game, ie. no online play. We've been forced to travel to each others houses if we want to actually practice. Social interaction is important to us, and I take pride in that the friends I've made in the smash community would be a great time in almost any setting, with or without smash. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to have a friendlies room at my wedding, though.
The toughest thing about these weekend trips is the adjustment period afterwards. These last few days are historically when I have the worst time, when I need to get back onto a normal sleep schedule and catch up on any responsibilities pushed off by a full weekend. I actually did not have a bad time this week, likely since I avoided eating entirely fast food outside the venue, but some people don't get the same leniency. There are top players that make their living by traveling constantly, and if they treated these tournaments the same way I did then they would need to quit within a few months. Sustainability and health is a big conversation that's only being had among the top players. Interesting how that works, yea?
Outside of smash, there still exists that strange dichotomy of healthy living and finding joy. Alcohol is the x factor, but food, television, Social media, etc. are all a part of that equation. Video games likely rank as one of the most satisfying and addictive means of finding pleasure, and the culture around it oftentimes focuses on maximizing that fun in the micro as opposed to the macro. Late night sessions and drinking full bottles, gamers are often looking for that *ugh* epic night.
I think I'm starting to develop my own philosophy on this, in that I want to be able to have a medium amount of fun for as long as possible. I don't want to give up these wonderful trips, where I hang out with some of my favorite people in the only circumstances that I see them, just because I consistently feel sick and tired every time I return home. Alternatively, I need to be able to let my id run free, since a total focus on my longevity will take me out of the moment and lead me into an anxious and boring life. Striking the balance is my goal now, and it's actually been more of a positive experience than I could have hoped for. I don't feel like shit now, and I had a good time then. All around, pretty damn good. That's a my goal, to have a pretty damn good time, all the time.
Returning home on Sunday night, 1:30 AM, with a bag full of dirty clothes and a phone completely drained of battery, there's an undeniable feeling that I have created an important set of memories. This time around I made it a focus to spend time with a few important people, meet a few more, and not let anything get too "big picture-y." I played a lot of super smash bros. That's the real point.
I actually love this point of the trip, a few days afterwards during quiet, sober reflection, because it's when everything is the most clear. I have identified a cornerstone of my life, and have spent enough time with it and gotten good enough at it (49th out of ~850) that I can be proud in proclaiming how important it is to me. It's allowed me to be creative, pushed me to produce, and given me a sense of community practically on demand. It's allowed me to more fully understand what I value in my life, not fun or health but the cross section between them. I have another major next weekend, which is another opportunity to test my philosophy and spend time with important folks. I want to do well, but even that stress doesn't weigh on me the same way it once did. I don't compete to win, or to increase my reputation. I compete to explore myself. This is how I grow.
I'm also accepting all money matches, come at me nerds.
Tuesday, August 6, 2019
"Hilariously Misguided Rantings of a Slow-Moving Train wreck"
I only write first thing in the morning. It's the only time of the day where I don't need to twist my own arm to sit down and start, the only time when my mind feels defogged and ready to bounce around. Sometimes I wish I could do it at any point, and not just when my body tells me it's the right time.
I think a lot of what I do is because it's the path of little resistance. I like to minimize the amount of anxiety that I get.. which doesn't sound profound or unique at all. An optimist would say I'm simply following my heart. I do that which makes me happy, in the moment. This means I play a lot of video games, sure, but I've also found that too much of those, and at the wrong times, makes me unhappy.
I have a framework in my head that leads me to do only that which flows easily and without much turmoil. It's great in the moment, I usually sleep just fine at night, but in times of somber, early morning reflection, I'll get caught up in the practicality of it all. How much should I value this level of comfort? It makes me a happy dude, for sure. The whole philosophy of doing what you enjoy is helpful when things go sour and you need time to get back on that serotonin kick. I've found that I enjoy pushing myself too, breaking through the initial discomfort of learning a new task or starting a new venture. There is really nothing to worry about, since I've proven to myself time and time again that I'm willing to put myself in difficult situations just to see if I can pull it off. I did it in college, albeit to an excess, and through that experience I've learned to really hone this whole mindset thing to something I actually have pride in.
For once I'm not using this blog to berate myself. I think I've got a good thing going.
Now, I don't know how to give advice on "achieving" this mindset, nor do I even know how this will turn out, so maybe I shouldn't suggest it at all. Who knows. This will be valuable in 8 years, when the results come in and I get to point at things to say "See? Follow your heart, take your time, etc." I long for the day when I can legitimately help people find their own happiness, because right now, even if I have something good on my hands, there's no way to tell if I'm doing the right thing. This is all a long game. I could be wrong, my family and friends could be wrong, and this whole blog could be renamed the "hilariously misguided rantings of a slow-moving train wreck." Seriously, who knows.
That's why I'm always hard on myself, I think. At least in these posts, when it's time for me to sit with myself and try to etch my sub-conscious into the real world, It's most valuable for me to be critical. What's the point in listing out what's been going right with me? It would be more embarrassing to read these in 8 years and see my 24-year old self popping off about a good day at work than a sad deconstruction of my own ego. If you want to know what's going well in my life, ask me in person. I'll likely tell you then, since I can actually see you smile.
I think a lot of what I do is because it's the path of little resistance. I like to minimize the amount of anxiety that I get.. which doesn't sound profound or unique at all. An optimist would say I'm simply following my heart. I do that which makes me happy, in the moment. This means I play a lot of video games, sure, but I've also found that too much of those, and at the wrong times, makes me unhappy.
I have a framework in my head that leads me to do only that which flows easily and without much turmoil. It's great in the moment, I usually sleep just fine at night, but in times of somber, early morning reflection, I'll get caught up in the practicality of it all. How much should I value this level of comfort? It makes me a happy dude, for sure. The whole philosophy of doing what you enjoy is helpful when things go sour and you need time to get back on that serotonin kick. I've found that I enjoy pushing myself too, breaking through the initial discomfort of learning a new task or starting a new venture. There is really nothing to worry about, since I've proven to myself time and time again that I'm willing to put myself in difficult situations just to see if I can pull it off. I did it in college, albeit to an excess, and through that experience I've learned to really hone this whole mindset thing to something I actually have pride in.
For once I'm not using this blog to berate myself. I think I've got a good thing going.
Now, I don't know how to give advice on "achieving" this mindset, nor do I even know how this will turn out, so maybe I shouldn't suggest it at all. Who knows. This will be valuable in 8 years, when the results come in and I get to point at things to say "See? Follow your heart, take your time, etc." I long for the day when I can legitimately help people find their own happiness, because right now, even if I have something good on my hands, there's no way to tell if I'm doing the right thing. This is all a long game. I could be wrong, my family and friends could be wrong, and this whole blog could be renamed the "hilariously misguided rantings of a slow-moving train wreck." Seriously, who knows.
That's why I'm always hard on myself, I think. At least in these posts, when it's time for me to sit with myself and try to etch my sub-conscious into the real world, It's most valuable for me to be critical. What's the point in listing out what's been going right with me? It would be more embarrassing to read these in 8 years and see my 24-year old self popping off about a good day at work than a sad deconstruction of my own ego. If you want to know what's going well in my life, ask me in person. I'll likely tell you then, since I can actually see you smile.
Monday, July 29, 2019
The Long-Term 'Mmmmh'
My problem is that I keep waiting for a payoff.
A big paradigm shift, where my entire life seems to come together seamlessly, like in a dream where you end up in a completely different place with no clue as to why. I keep longing for this massive boost, but it slows me down. Why would my dreams come true now? It's obviously too early. It's like I picked a perfect spot to see the sunrise, set up my lawn chair, then found out it's only 1am. What am I doing here with so much desire? Don't I know that it's going to bring me down?
This is the part where I feel inclined to start telling myself that it's okay. That it's natural to want your career to improve and even more natural to be impatient about it. It might be good to swing back to my mantra for a second, to stay patient, to wrap my wounds in creative gauze and start getting back into my rhythm for as long as possible. That's what my intuition says to do. That would be nice if I didn't just call it out, effectively hamstringing myself into finding another way.
--------
I've realized lately that I'm much less emotionally stable than I thought I was. Not that I'm going crazy over here, I'm still okay, I just didn't really know how easily certain things would calm me down. Namely, food. I could take my entire morning commute inside of an existential-doubt-spiral, a patented 16 year old ultimate move, and by lunch I'm completely over it. Same thing on the way home, I could be stressed out the wazoo but feel zen after making a pot of mashed potatoes. This is something I didn't quite know about myself. Food can help cure emotions. Let's check in with my gut in 5 years, shall we?
It's not just food, it's all sorts of 'sugar'. Not just pop tarts, but mobile gaming and extra cups of coffee. It's the short term 'mmmh' feeling that kicks me back into it, but that needs to not be the case ASAP. I need the long term 'mmmh'. I want to be able to know that whenever I sit down to make something, to be creative, to put myself out there, that it's not just practice for when it really matters. I want it to mean something now.
There's a wash of shame that came over me, really quick, as if to remind me that this is the hole that I didn't want to find myself in. It's like my brain telling me "No shit, everyone wants their stuff read, everyone wants to be noticed, every writer wants people reading. No shit. No shit."
The cold truth is that I need to work harder if any of this is going to work. I don't need to forgive myself, I don't need self-care, I don't need an internet detox or a diet change or an exercise regime or a youtube-creators-course or a personal coach or anything that's outside of my own mind. I just need to do my shit daily and step it up. For real. For real, for real. Just step it up.
So that anxiety I feel on the way to work? Listen to it. Don't push it away, don't excuse it on to something or somebody else, listen to it hard. Sit in it, turn your music off if you need to. Why am I feeling the way that I feel, and what can I do about it? How can I make sure this happens less? What am I missing?
A big paradigm shift, where my entire life seems to come together seamlessly, like in a dream where you end up in a completely different place with no clue as to why. I keep longing for this massive boost, but it slows me down. Why would my dreams come true now? It's obviously too early. It's like I picked a perfect spot to see the sunrise, set up my lawn chair, then found out it's only 1am. What am I doing here with so much desire? Don't I know that it's going to bring me down?
This is the part where I feel inclined to start telling myself that it's okay. That it's natural to want your career to improve and even more natural to be impatient about it. It might be good to swing back to my mantra for a second, to stay patient, to wrap my wounds in creative gauze and start getting back into my rhythm for as long as possible. That's what my intuition says to do. That would be nice if I didn't just call it out, effectively hamstringing myself into finding another way.
--------
I've realized lately that I'm much less emotionally stable than I thought I was. Not that I'm going crazy over here, I'm still okay, I just didn't really know how easily certain things would calm me down. Namely, food. I could take my entire morning commute inside of an existential-doubt-spiral, a patented 16 year old ultimate move, and by lunch I'm completely over it. Same thing on the way home, I could be stressed out the wazoo but feel zen after making a pot of mashed potatoes. This is something I didn't quite know about myself. Food can help cure emotions. Let's check in with my gut in 5 years, shall we?
It's not just food, it's all sorts of 'sugar'. Not just pop tarts, but mobile gaming and extra cups of coffee. It's the short term 'mmmh' feeling that kicks me back into it, but that needs to not be the case ASAP. I need the long term 'mmmh'. I want to be able to know that whenever I sit down to make something, to be creative, to put myself out there, that it's not just practice for when it really matters. I want it to mean something now.
There's a wash of shame that came over me, really quick, as if to remind me that this is the hole that I didn't want to find myself in. It's like my brain telling me "No shit, everyone wants their stuff read, everyone wants to be noticed, every writer wants people reading. No shit. No shit."
The cold truth is that I need to work harder if any of this is going to work. I don't need to forgive myself, I don't need self-care, I don't need an internet detox or a diet change or an exercise regime or a youtube-creators-course or a personal coach or anything that's outside of my own mind. I just need to do my shit daily and step it up. For real. For real, for real. Just step it up.
So that anxiety I feel on the way to work? Listen to it. Don't push it away, don't excuse it on to something or somebody else, listen to it hard. Sit in it, turn your music off if you need to. Why am I feeling the way that I feel, and what can I do about it? How can I make sure this happens less? What am I missing?
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