I need to prove myself

I've become addicted to video games. I seriously need to chill.

With the pressures of Finals Week (Yes I capitalized it, it deserves the respect) I have taken to web/phone games to ease my tension. I have't the need to study, I already have two A's, one more probably to come, and two grades I doubt will be below a B-. Academically, I did my job.

I still feel unaccomplished as of late, and I'm fully aware that It's been because of the lack of writing. I really haven't created anything worth mentioning in the last couple of weeks. I don't know why.

I get like this all the time, and it's become the main topic of what I write about, when I finally do get around to writing. There's a resistance, and it fucking sucks. It's slow and depressing and I feel the need to shake it but can't pinpoint exactly why I feel the way I do. Videogames fill the void oh so fleetingly.

Melee hasn't even been the go-to, either. Maybe because I've been working a lot that I just dick around and play games. Maybe Melee is too much stress and responsibility. Maybe I don't have long-term goals to stick to. Or maybe I'm doomed to be an ups and down sort of guy.

Maybe It's because next semester I have stuff lined up that I'm excited for. Maybe that's my problem, always thinking the future will be brighter then failing to meet the expectations I set for myself, because the future, again, is where my focus lies. For some reason my motivation has been waning, and I don't recognize the symptoms until I'm already there. I haven't been on top of things. I've been slipping.

But maybe I'm being too hard on myself. The whole shame cycle thing is getting old, no? Just fucking live and do what I've been doing, right? The plan sounds terrible. I can't even lay it out in a positive light. I need to accomplish.

Maybe this is a natural time to feel lost. Maybe I can't blame myself for refusing to choose a direction and stick to it. Maybe it's time to buckle down and really commit to one approach for a future. Put my money where my mouth is. Figure out a plan.

What could the plan be? Right now it's just to do melee and comedy as hard as I can. That's not a good plan. Those are just hobbies. I've laid out things I like to do, great for me. I'm wayyyy ahead of the curve, now!

Practice melee every day. That's just a hopeful habit. That means nothing until it's accomplished. But it's a good priority for myself.

Start working out. That's also a habit I want for myself. No replacement for initiative and hard work here, but this might be what kick starts everything else. It's like an investment in energy, confidence, and strength. I can find time.

Comedy writing is important too. I have the goal of 20 blog posts by the end of the year. That isn't a bad start. I have fewer classes next semester so this might just come easy. If I can come up with 5 really good articles, polished, confirmed to be funny, etc. Then I have the beginning of a portfolio.

Opening up the can of worms for comedy writing is the scary part. For example, I have 25 minutes until the end of this shift, but I'm still institutionally looking to play a game after I finish this article. Can I forgive myself for that? Is this good enough for the day? Will I be proud of myself tomorrow? I have no idea, and maybe I just lack the willpower to make a good decision right now.

I also need to start eating better, because I do not feel good right now. Coffee and fast food do not a healthy person make. My shitty habits are catching up to me, but there's no short term solution. Melee tonight is sure to lift my spirits, but If I do badly I have to face my ego.

I feel like I'm desperately grasping for some sort of success, some sort of achievement. Something to hold value, something to pick myself up. I feel the need to prove myself. I will prove myself.

Tomorrow.

Almost a full week...

Huh, it's been about a week. At least I caught myself.

I've been really playing a lot of games lately as a way of destressing, and I'm actually extremely willing of defending that. It helps me get my shit together, and it's good that I'm pulling together to at least get this done.

I really don't have much to do tonight, though. I definitely need to get started a little bit but I can just get a gauge of what's going on then have a good day tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a stressful day for sure, but I'm ready to have one of those. I'm not afraid of a stressful day.

I am a little concerned that I will be taking too long with the saac event, though. I want to go, I think it will be fun and a good way to stay connected, but I'm gonna be antsy about my work. It's an obligation for sure, but I also will have fun there. I think it is definitely worth my time to be there.

I should write a little bit of my screenplay, too. That's not a big deal at all, I kinda want to. That's really what I should do tonight, if I'm being honest. I could definitely get away with not doing it but I might as well end on a good note and really commit myself to finishing this project. It is a really good thing to have finished a screenplay. It will mean a lot to my resume as well as my self esteem. Plus, it would be a really fun project even if i split it into something more manageable. A story is a story is a story.

The drumming thing next semester would be really fun too.I shouldn't say would, It's will. I am signed up to do fucking drum lessons, how crazy awesome is that. I've always wanted to play the drums and having access to the practice rooms will help me destress a lot. I love learning new skills, yo. Plus, when I go home I can fucking play the DRUMS ahhh

Ok I gotta do some writing. Be right back

A better weekend than I'm allowing it to be.

Wow, what a weekend. I feel like I haven't properly celebrated yet, even though it was a fantastic weekend and a fairly successful Monday night open mic. I have a lot to be proud of.

Right now I have more to look forward to, though, and more to do. I have to start on my trivia, which isn't a huge deal but is definitely something I need to put effort towards. It should be fun, I'm gonna use Greek Mythology as one of the topics.

I feel better about my argumentation assignment after talking to Leo, even though I haven't done anything for that yet either. It's a big grade, but I'm confident that we can learn from the people who went today and come up with a good project, make a good presentation, and hand in a good paper. I'm also confident that I will study for my final in a way that has me get an A in the class. An A is totally possible with how I did on the midterm.

Org comm is even more relaxing. It's a day later, not at 8:30 in the morning, and my group is the most cohesive group I've ever worked with. It will be funny and well presented I think. Also, I should be fine for that final as well.

My obligations are starting to close out, and if I have a good day today with everything then I can close out the day with going to my buddy's show at night and properly celebrate.

Also, I forgot to mention, I won a tournament on Sunday. Over a longtime rival and the person trying to usurp me as 3rd in CNY. I held my ground and it felt good.

I have a long list to take care of and I'm itching to get to it. The more I accomplish today the easier the rest of my semester becomes. I can put some effort into a stand up set on the 8th, for example. I got another taste of stand up last night and I'm honestly dying to get back on stage.

For a while now I've been saying that stand up has been frustrating because I don't have a lot of opportunities to perform. Open mics weekly should definitely happen. If they don't happen then it's not the biggest deal, but just having them will be a great way to slowly get back into doing stand up.

After an incredibly stressful 9 days, I sit here at my desk with another seemingly difficult day ahead of me, but something is different. I'm ready to take it on. It's like I finally got my footing and I can prioritize everything and finish it out. This is the last Trivia of the semester, I want to make it a good one. I will give a short speech to be read, maybe.

Let's get this rolling, shall we?

Shorty mcshort

I look much better without a shitty beard. No Shave November is a great holiday to raise awareness about the importance of shaving. It's the easiest way to raise awareness, too. All it is is not shaving. That's it. That's actually negative effort.

Picking your nose and eating boogers is a bad habit. Not because it's gross, but because it leads to other bad habits, like cracking your neck and biting your nails. You crack your neck to hide the pick, and bite your nails to hide the eat.

I'm gonna try those jokes at the Open Mic, I guess. I'm not too prepared for it but I guess I have Sunday and Monday to figure it out. Right now I just want this semester to be over with, to be honest. I'm tired, I'm hungry. It's probably just how I feel right now, but I wanna just go home and sleep for a long time.

Terps is tonight, and I'm at this weird spot where I'm kinda looking forward to it but not really. Honestly, I just want to perform my rap and that's it. The rest of the skits aren't too fantastic, but they'll get the job done. Also, we might end up making some money.

This small writing helped me get going on my small list of obligations, so that was good. I'm running out of unique things to say in this thing, but whatever. Gotta keep up the grind. Lately it's really felt like a grind.

Gonna keep this short because apathy. Till next time.