I need to prove myself

I've become addicted to video games. I seriously need to chill.

With the pressures of Finals Week (Yes I capitalized it, it deserves the respect) I have taken to web/phone games to ease my tension. I have't the need to study, I already have two A's, one more probably to come, and two grades I doubt will be below a B-. Academically, I did my job.

I still feel unaccomplished as of late, and I'm fully aware that It's been because of the lack of writing. I really haven't created anything worth mentioning in the last couple of weeks. I don't know why.

I get like this all the time, and it's become the main topic of what I write about, when I finally do get around to writing. There's a resistance, and it fucking sucks. It's slow and depressing and I feel the need to shake it but can't pinpoint exactly why I feel the way I do. Videogames fill the void oh so fleetingly.

Melee hasn't even been the go-to, either. Maybe because I've been working a lot that I just dick around and play games. Maybe Melee is too much stress and responsibility. Maybe I don't have long-term goals to stick to. Or maybe I'm doomed to be an ups and down sort of guy.

Maybe It's because next semester I have stuff lined up that I'm excited for. Maybe that's my problem, always thinking the future will be brighter then failing to meet the expectations I set for myself, because the future, again, is where my focus lies. For some reason my motivation has been waning, and I don't recognize the symptoms until I'm already there. I haven't been on top of things. I've been slipping.

But maybe I'm being too hard on myself. The whole shame cycle thing is getting old, no? Just fucking live and do what I've been doing, right? The plan sounds terrible. I can't even lay it out in a positive light. I need to accomplish.

Maybe this is a natural time to feel lost. Maybe I can't blame myself for refusing to choose a direction and stick to it. Maybe it's time to buckle down and really commit to one approach for a future. Put my money where my mouth is. Figure out a plan.

What could the plan be? Right now it's just to do melee and comedy as hard as I can. That's not a good plan. Those are just hobbies. I've laid out things I like to do, great for me. I'm wayyyy ahead of the curve, now!

Practice melee every day. That's just a hopeful habit. That means nothing until it's accomplished. But it's a good priority for myself.

Start working out. That's also a habit I want for myself. No replacement for initiative and hard work here, but this might be what kick starts everything else. It's like an investment in energy, confidence, and strength. I can find time.

Comedy writing is important too. I have the goal of 20 blog posts by the end of the year. That isn't a bad start. I have fewer classes next semester so this might just come easy. If I can come up with 5 really good articles, polished, confirmed to be funny, etc. Then I have the beginning of a portfolio.

Opening up the can of worms for comedy writing is the scary part. For example, I have 25 minutes until the end of this shift, but I'm still institutionally looking to play a game after I finish this article. Can I forgive myself for that? Is this good enough for the day? Will I be proud of myself tomorrow? I have no idea, and maybe I just lack the willpower to make a good decision right now.

I also need to start eating better, because I do not feel good right now. Coffee and fast food do not a healthy person make. My shitty habits are catching up to me, but there's no short term solution. Melee tonight is sure to lift my spirits, but If I do badly I have to face my ego.

I feel like I'm desperately grasping for some sort of success, some sort of achievement. Something to hold value, something to pick myself up. I feel the need to prove myself. I will prove myself.

Tomorrow.