And a really good one at that.
He's not too pushy, but stubborn. Motivated but not intense. In fact, many of his college friends were surprised he became a salesman at all. It wasn't really like him.
But he fits into the role well, and now he's at the door. He's always at the door. He won't ring the doorbell, he'll just quietly knock. All day. Every day. He doesn't care how long he waits. He knows you will come by eventually.
When you're busy it's easy to ignore him. But as soon as you stop, even for a second, you can hear his omnipotent percussion. Some people get annoyed by his presence. Others look forward to seeing him, looking over what he has to offer.
A lot of people panic. I panic sometimes, too. The second my ass hits the couch, laziness comes in. I didn't let him in, did I? How does he always know?
Half of his job is easy, he'll hand me the remote or minimize my writing software. Then he starts talking.
"Great job today." He says with a grin. "You deserve some time off."
He's so genuine, it's hard to disagree. And why would I? To tell him he's wrong is to say I'm flawed. To turn away is to admit failure. Why would I want to do that?
"This show is great. This is practically studying comedy, no?"
Shit, is he right? I've learned not to trust him, but I've heard the greats say the same thing. Is he talking to them too?
"You're not getting fat. Well, you are, but the funniest people are fat"
He's getting personal. It's okay, I tell him everything. He's my right hand man. My go-to guy. I'd hang with him all day if I could.
That's when I feel a sharp sting in my neck. Shit!
A bee zips in front of me. It screams "You're wasting time!"
It then circles around in the air until falling into my hands. It dies. I only have so many more of those guys.
My fear of death shoots me up, and I usher the salesman out the front door. "The mortalibee is right. You gotta go." I close the door behind him.
I walk upstairs and start the shower. All the while, I hear knocking.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Whatever will be, will be.
It's been a great week.
I don't mean in terms of accomplishment or productivity. I was lazy as hell. I had the week off from work, so Ashley and I spent our time together and generally did nothing. I enjoyed that time very much.
This marks a shift in my priorities. Probably not a good shift by my own standards, but it has it's merits. For one, I wasn't pacing around like a manic baboon thinking about the time I was wasting and what I could be accomplishing. I was generally present and relaxed, next to my girlfriend on the couch for hours at a time.
I repeated one thing to myself over and over. If I want to do it, I will do it. A pretty reasonable approach to a week off, no? But I was thinking a little more long term. If I'm really to be a comedy writer, then I will be itching to follow that path sooner or later. I will be imbued with the NEED to create comedy. That did eventually happen, but after nearly five days. Not exactly a record.
It's a shift. College was a hectic time. It's built that way. You barely have time between priorities, everyone drinks like the grand canyon is filling up with blood, and everything I wrote had some sort of purpose. Now, in this limbo state of my early 20's, the world around me is less pressing, and I can just sort of relax for a second.
In reality, that's true. There is no rush. There's no reason to force myself too hard in any direction if I'm not interested in doing it. That sounds like that laziest thing I could say, but I need to say it so I don't jump off a bridge. I think I'm on the right track. A couple weeks ago, when I attempted to have a "Perfect Week", I was going crazy from unemployment and wanted some sort of job. I gave myself the job and teetered off the path. Now, I have other plans.
Before I talk about the future, I need to address the point of sharing. Sharing your plans and goals with everyone on the internet. I've read some articles that say, in a nutshell, it doesn't work. There's no extra motivation to accomplish something after you write a Facebook post about it. In fact, the same reward centers in your brain that fire off after a big accomplishment will activate when you simply tell someone about your plans. It's just a free win. Then, after we lose sight of the goal or move on to something else, our minds will make us feel better about it. Our brain comes up with excuses, little pivots and turns in our thinking that trick our conscious into believing we didn't back peddle.
So I'm hesitant to present my plans, but I'll keep them away from accomplishment and more into concrete agendas. First off, I have a job. I've had it for about a month, and recently my boss has agreed to essentially give me a promotion. Without the title, I would have more responsibilities and a higher paycheck. That's worth sharing, I think.
Also, as of yesterday, I am officially an enrolled student in the Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC. I will be taking a sketch writing course starting next Tuesday and I could not be more excited.
Along with that development, I've found a really cool group of people doing comedy in Suffern, NY called Rhino Comedy. I tried out their drop in improv class on Sunday and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I definitely see myself going there more in the future.
As with everything else that's going on, well, it's for another time. My priorities shift and change, but from now on I will not dictate them with my words. After all, I've been wrong before.
I don't mean in terms of accomplishment or productivity. I was lazy as hell. I had the week off from work, so Ashley and I spent our time together and generally did nothing. I enjoyed that time very much.
This marks a shift in my priorities. Probably not a good shift by my own standards, but it has it's merits. For one, I wasn't pacing around like a manic baboon thinking about the time I was wasting and what I could be accomplishing. I was generally present and relaxed, next to my girlfriend on the couch for hours at a time.
I repeated one thing to myself over and over. If I want to do it, I will do it. A pretty reasonable approach to a week off, no? But I was thinking a little more long term. If I'm really to be a comedy writer, then I will be itching to follow that path sooner or later. I will be imbued with the NEED to create comedy. That did eventually happen, but after nearly five days. Not exactly a record.
It's a shift. College was a hectic time. It's built that way. You barely have time between priorities, everyone drinks like the grand canyon is filling up with blood, and everything I wrote had some sort of purpose. Now, in this limbo state of my early 20's, the world around me is less pressing, and I can just sort of relax for a second.
In reality, that's true. There is no rush. There's no reason to force myself too hard in any direction if I'm not interested in doing it. That sounds like that laziest thing I could say, but I need to say it so I don't jump off a bridge. I think I'm on the right track. A couple weeks ago, when I attempted to have a "Perfect Week", I was going crazy from unemployment and wanted some sort of job. I gave myself the job and teetered off the path. Now, I have other plans.
Before I talk about the future, I need to address the point of sharing. Sharing your plans and goals with everyone on the internet. I've read some articles that say, in a nutshell, it doesn't work. There's no extra motivation to accomplish something after you write a Facebook post about it. In fact, the same reward centers in your brain that fire off after a big accomplishment will activate when you simply tell someone about your plans. It's just a free win. Then, after we lose sight of the goal or move on to something else, our minds will make us feel better about it. Our brain comes up with excuses, little pivots and turns in our thinking that trick our conscious into believing we didn't back peddle.
So I'm hesitant to present my plans, but I'll keep them away from accomplishment and more into concrete agendas. First off, I have a job. I've had it for about a month, and recently my boss has agreed to essentially give me a promotion. Without the title, I would have more responsibilities and a higher paycheck. That's worth sharing, I think.
Also, as of yesterday, I am officially an enrolled student in the Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC. I will be taking a sketch writing course starting next Tuesday and I could not be more excited.
Along with that development, I've found a really cool group of people doing comedy in Suffern, NY called Rhino Comedy. I tried out their drop in improv class on Sunday and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I definitely see myself going there more in the future.
As with everything else that's going on, well, it's for another time. My priorities shift and change, but from now on I will not dictate them with my words. After all, I've been wrong before.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Top 10 Wholesome Jackass Stunts
Jackass has been a part of our daily lives since we were kids, and for good reason. Nowhere else on television or film were the most brilliant minds of our generation congregated to explore the human condition in such easily consumable, 2-3 minute sessions. In these stunts we learned about courage, love and loss. Most of all, we just felt good watching them. Our researchers have crafted a secret algorithm that found the top 10 most wholesome Jackass stunts. Warning, reading this list will fill you with a sense of nostalgia and just might make you shed some tears!
10. The 50-Egg challenge
Season 1, Episode 4
Nothing more American than a good ol' fashioned hard boiled egg eating challenge, and Jackass was the first show to realize it. Preston, Chris, and Stephanie sat in front of 50 delicious, wholesome hard boiled eggs. These contestants tried the best they could, but sadly were unable to finish the wonderful amount of 50 hard boiled eggs. Me and my family cherish the splendid memory of the contestants projectile vomiting over each other after 21, 8, and 3 eggs respectively.
9. Fisherman's Wharf
Season 2, Episode 7
How often have we wondered what it would be like to be put into a vat of freezing cold sardines? When nobody else seemed willing to take up the fun little challenge, Ryan Dunn was there. Now, I know that many of us would have jumped with joy into a cramped container filled with 32 degree water and smelly fish, but only Jackass could provide closure with their resources and limitless imagination. Luckily for Mr. Dunn, he smelled like fish for hours after the stunt, giving him a constant reminder of a pleasant afternoon.
8. Cow Insemination
Season 2, Episode 2
Babies. Nature. The circle of life. Just a couple of the educational topics touched on by the inspiring staff at Jackass. In this segment Johnny Knoxville goes hand deep into the beauty of animal husbandry, showing us that there's nothing disgusting at all about being a farmer. Some television shows out there rely on shock factor and dirty words, but what makes Jackass so special is it's ability to turn all that away and focus on good old fashioned segments about impregnating a cow by hand. Truly remarkable.
7. Butt Piercing
Season 2, Episode 3
Life is about taking risks. To move forward without hesitation. Jackass embodies these values more than anything else in the world ever made ever. Steve-O shows us his inspiring bravery in the third episode of season 2, when he makes the powerful decision to piece his butt cheeks together. Now, not everybody thinks this is possible, and several of his friends tell him so. Steve-O takes a stand for what he believes in and gets them pierced anyway, showing the world that if you truly want something then you should never back down or let others get in your way. After proving that the impossible was, in fact, possible, he got the piercing removed only minutes after it was put in. He's not crazy, after all!
6.Woodchipper
Season 3, Episode 1
Often times I find myself struggling through life. Sometimes it's just hard, I feel overwhelmed and just shut down completely, unable to continue. It's times like these that I think back to the most inspiring Jackass skit ever made: Woodchipper. The late, great Ryan Dunn stands in front of an industrial woodchipper as the rest of the crew feeds it with a myriad of food, clothes, paint, etc. Whenever my life is crashing around me and I can't go on, I think back to the tenacity shown by one of Jackass's greatest talents, and everything seems okay. When I stay in bed until the late afternoon, I think back to Ryan getting back on his feet after a rotten squid knocked him to the ground, and I get enough motivation to make myself breakfast at 3pm.
5. Electric Avenue
Jackass 3D
Theres nothing I love more than when the entire Jackass crew comes together and takes on a stunt as a team. In Jackass 3D the boys make their way down a hallway with active tazers and cattle prods hanging from the ceiling, tires on the floor, and love in their hearts. The quad seems to hesitate for a few seconds after the skit begins, presumably to silently pray in the hopes that their friends will pass through safely. Just then Bam and Ehren take the lead and charge through the electrified obstacle course. The leadership shown by these brave men, and the outstanding teamwork of the men to follow, are an inspiring lesson in facing your fears and working together with the people you trust. Next time I'm in a team building exercise I will make sure to show this clip and teach the lessons Jackass has immortalized through film.
4. Beehive Tetherball
Jackass 3D
Steve-O and Dave England take a little break from their stunts and shenanigans to play a game of tetherball! Of course, this is Jackass, so they need to make it slightly more educational than a simple schoolyard pastime. They added bees into a hive-sized ball and hit that around the pole, teaching us the invaluable lesson that bees are dying at an increasing and alarming rate. As Dave runs away in fear, the concept of Colony Collapse Disorder resonates through his retreat and permeates in our brains, convincing us that we must find a solution soon or the whole world will suffer. As Steve-O sticks around to finish the tetherball game, he shows us that there is hope and we must hang in there to figure all this madness out. A truly inspired piece.
3. Poo Cocktail
Season 1, Episode 1
Poo Cocktail is most elegantly described on the unofficial Jackass Wikipedia page:
"Over the course of a day, various crew members and members of the public take a dump in the portaloo. Johnny phones up his doctor to find out if he needs any immunization or protection during the stunt. To top it off, one of the crew members brings a bag full of dog shit from his two Pit Bull Terriers and empties it into the toilet."
10. The 50-Egg challenge
Season 1, Episode 4
Nothing more American than a good ol' fashioned hard boiled egg eating challenge, and Jackass was the first show to realize it. Preston, Chris, and Stephanie sat in front of 50 delicious, wholesome hard boiled eggs. These contestants tried the best they could, but sadly were unable to finish the wonderful amount of 50 hard boiled eggs. Me and my family cherish the splendid memory of the contestants projectile vomiting over each other after 21, 8, and 3 eggs respectively.
9. Fisherman's Wharf
Season 2, Episode 7
How often have we wondered what it would be like to be put into a vat of freezing cold sardines? When nobody else seemed willing to take up the fun little challenge, Ryan Dunn was there. Now, I know that many of us would have jumped with joy into a cramped container filled with 32 degree water and smelly fish, but only Jackass could provide closure with their resources and limitless imagination. Luckily for Mr. Dunn, he smelled like fish for hours after the stunt, giving him a constant reminder of a pleasant afternoon.
8. Cow Insemination
Season 2, Episode 2
Babies. Nature. The circle of life. Just a couple of the educational topics touched on by the inspiring staff at Jackass. In this segment Johnny Knoxville goes hand deep into the beauty of animal husbandry, showing us that there's nothing disgusting at all about being a farmer. Some television shows out there rely on shock factor and dirty words, but what makes Jackass so special is it's ability to turn all that away and focus on good old fashioned segments about impregnating a cow by hand. Truly remarkable.
7. Butt Piercing
Season 2, Episode 3
Life is about taking risks. To move forward without hesitation. Jackass embodies these values more than anything else in the world ever made ever. Steve-O shows us his inspiring bravery in the third episode of season 2, when he makes the powerful decision to piece his butt cheeks together. Now, not everybody thinks this is possible, and several of his friends tell him so. Steve-O takes a stand for what he believes in and gets them pierced anyway, showing the world that if you truly want something then you should never back down or let others get in your way. After proving that the impossible was, in fact, possible, he got the piercing removed only minutes after it was put in. He's not crazy, after all!
6.Woodchipper
Season 3, Episode 1
Often times I find myself struggling through life. Sometimes it's just hard, I feel overwhelmed and just shut down completely, unable to continue. It's times like these that I think back to the most inspiring Jackass skit ever made: Woodchipper. The late, great Ryan Dunn stands in front of an industrial woodchipper as the rest of the crew feeds it with a myriad of food, clothes, paint, etc. Whenever my life is crashing around me and I can't go on, I think back to the tenacity shown by one of Jackass's greatest talents, and everything seems okay. When I stay in bed until the late afternoon, I think back to Ryan getting back on his feet after a rotten squid knocked him to the ground, and I get enough motivation to make myself breakfast at 3pm.
5. Electric Avenue
Jackass 3D
Theres nothing I love more than when the entire Jackass crew comes together and takes on a stunt as a team. In Jackass 3D the boys make their way down a hallway with active tazers and cattle prods hanging from the ceiling, tires on the floor, and love in their hearts. The quad seems to hesitate for a few seconds after the skit begins, presumably to silently pray in the hopes that their friends will pass through safely. Just then Bam and Ehren take the lead and charge through the electrified obstacle course. The leadership shown by these brave men, and the outstanding teamwork of the men to follow, are an inspiring lesson in facing your fears and working together with the people you trust. Next time I'm in a team building exercise I will make sure to show this clip and teach the lessons Jackass has immortalized through film.
4. Beehive Tetherball
Jackass 3D
Steve-O and Dave England take a little break from their stunts and shenanigans to play a game of tetherball! Of course, this is Jackass, so they need to make it slightly more educational than a simple schoolyard pastime. They added bees into a hive-sized ball and hit that around the pole, teaching us the invaluable lesson that bees are dying at an increasing and alarming rate. As Dave runs away in fear, the concept of Colony Collapse Disorder resonates through his retreat and permeates in our brains, convincing us that we must find a solution soon or the whole world will suffer. As Steve-O sticks around to finish the tetherball game, he shows us that there is hope and we must hang in there to figure all this madness out. A truly inspired piece.
3. Poo Cocktail
Season 1, Episode 1
Poo Cocktail is most elegantly described on the unofficial Jackass Wikipedia page:
"Over the course of a day, various crew members and members of the public take a dump in the portaloo. Johnny phones up his doctor to find out if he needs any immunization or protection during the stunt. To top it off, one of the crew members brings a bag full of dog shit from his two Pit Bull Terriers and empties it into the toilet."
This stunt is the epitome of class. Johnny is diligent in showing his safety precautions. Cute dogs come into the story. What I love most of all is the how the actors and crew alike come together and make a stunt more than a spectacle. They make it personal.
2.Poo Cocktail Supreme
Jackass 3D
In a revamp of a stunt from their original episode, Steve-O gets flung 150 feet into the air inside a porta-potty. Following his journey's apex, the poo-pod comes back to earth and bounces a few times with the bungie cord, spilling some sort of brown liquid on Steve. Mr. -O doesn't seem to agree with this concoction, and immediately vomits on himself. I will say, this section of the show is a tad difficult to watch, and isn't exactly appropriate for some bitch ass kids. However, the show has one of it's most touching moments when Steve-O, reeling from a near death experience, goes to hug a cameraman. The two run off into the horizon to lead a beautiful life together, and just that moment makes this stunt number 2 on our most wholesome Jackass stunts.
1.Steve-O becomes a drug addict and almost loses his life.
True Life: Jackass
The most wholesome story in the Jackass narrative has got to be Steve-O's transition from a fun loving, durable clown to a withering shell filled with booze and hard drugs. In the early years of Jackass, when they were still getting their footing, I always had a suspicion that Steve-O's character had some evolving to do. He had spirit, but there was something missing. What was missing, apparently, was whippets. After diving into a several-month long bender of nitrous, PCP, and Ketamine, Steve-O was finally a complete character with a real arc we could get behind. The great actor that he was, Steve-O fully immersed himself into the character of a man withing inches of death. Strangely enough, the show runners decided not to air any footage of Steve-O abusing drugs off camera. Most of this information actually came years later, when Mr. -O made a documentary of his time in the show and pits of addiction. Regardless of how we came to know this story, it goes without saying that it delivered endless positive, fluttery, wholesome emotions that Jackass is known for.
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