"Hilariously Misguided Rantings of a Slow-Moving Train wreck"

I only write first thing in the morning. It's the only time of the day where I don't need to twist my own arm to sit down and start, the only time when my mind feels defogged and ready to bounce around. Sometimes I wish I could do it at any point, and not just when my body tells me it's the right time.

I think a lot of what I do is because it's the path of little resistance. I like to minimize the amount of anxiety that I get.. which doesn't sound profound or unique at all. An optimist would say I'm simply following my heart. I do that which makes me happy, in the moment. This means I play a lot of video games, sure, but I've also found that too much of those, and at the wrong times, makes me unhappy.

I have a framework in my head that leads me to do only that which flows easily and without much turmoil. It's great in the moment, I usually sleep just fine at night, but in times of somber, early morning reflection, I'll get caught up in the practicality of it all. How much should I value this level of comfort? It makes me a happy dude, for sure. The whole philosophy of doing what you enjoy is helpful when things go sour and you need time to get back on that serotonin kick. I've found that I enjoy pushing myself too, breaking through the initial discomfort of learning a new task or starting a new venture. There is really nothing to worry about, since I've proven to myself time and time again that I'm willing to put myself in difficult situations just to see if I can pull it off. I did it in college, albeit to an excess, and through that experience I've learned to really hone this whole mindset thing to something I actually have pride in.

For once I'm not using this blog to berate myself. I think I've got a good thing going.

Now, I don't know how to give advice on "achieving" this mindset, nor do I even know how this will turn out, so maybe I shouldn't suggest it at all. Who knows. This will be valuable in 8 years, when the results come in and I get to point at things to say "See? Follow your heart, take your time, etc." I long for the day when I can legitimately help people find their own happiness, because right now, even if I have something good on my hands, there's no way to tell if I'm doing the right thing. This is all a long game. I could be wrong, my family and friends could be wrong, and this whole blog could be renamed the "hilariously misguided rantings of a slow-moving train wreck." Seriously, who knows.

That's why I'm always hard on myself, I think. At least in these posts, when it's time for me to sit with myself and try to etch my sub-conscious into the real world, It's most valuable for me to be critical. What's the point in listing out what's been going right with me? It would be more embarrassing to read these in 8 years and see my 24-year old self popping off about a good day at work than a sad deconstruction of my own ego. If you want to know what's going well in my life, ask me in person. I'll likely tell you then, since I can actually see you smile.