Sorry. I've been Playing WoW

I really shouldn't have to apologize.

There's a sinus like pressure building up in my.. well, i don't know exactly where to place it. My soul? Too dramatic. My ego, maybe. Somewhere in my brain, where my responsibilities reach my ambitions, I have a gnawing feeling that I'm doing something terribly wrong. I'm talking about, of course, world of warcraft classic being released and me playing it nearly as much as possible.

I actually wrote about this a few weeks back, but never felt the need to put it out on facebook the way I usually do. Maybe it was the shame. Actually yea, that's all it was. A bit of proof that this isn't a new feeling, that I was hesitant from the start, and that I can't shake the feeling that I'm not going about this the right way.

Right now, I don't feel guilt. I love playing this game again, especially at a time where I'm actually old enough to understand what to do. It's immersive as hell, it's fun and challenging, and it's filled with nostalgia. Like, that's it. That literally should be it.

The sad truth is, WoW isn't a game, it's a lifestyle. I'm not saying that I'm hardcore about it by any stretch, just in case my gamer friends think I'm flexing over here. All I know is that there's no other Video game like it. No Youtube channel, TV show, Streaming platform... Hell, even getting into TikTok didn't put such a dent into my free-time. WoW has, over the passed few weeks, stolen my free hours away from anything that wasn't pinned down. It has given me a new reason to wake up early for work, shit man, I even downloaded it on my office computer so I have a chance to play it when I'm not home. I am in there bros and brahs, and I have feelings about it.

And before I let anybody down, let me say that I don't have a take on this. Not yet, at least. All I can do is put words into existence and see how they feel reading back to me. I'm in strange territory here, since my ego is still too big to admit how easily I fell into the same routines that I had at age 14. I don't know if I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't know if I'm having a great time. All I do know is that I have gotten this far listening to my gut, and going against it has gotten me in trouble before. All I know is that today, for no particular reason, I felt more inclined to scribble down my madness instead of leap into the enticingly violent grasp of a gaming masterpiece. That's why I'm here instead of there. My gut says there's something wrong.

Now, I'm not going to quit. No way. I think I'm comfortable enough in saying that this game is insanely fun. Different than any gaming experience I've had in my entire life, even compared to playing this same exact thing as a kid. Somehow, it has exceeded every expectation that I had placed onto it, since I'm not only living in the nostalgia of a (seemingly) long-lost youth, but I'm correcting my mistakes in real time. I'm succeeding where I had once failed. blistering passed progress that would have taken me thrice the game-time as a dumb-ass kid.

Not only that, but I haven't sacrificed anything that's truly detrimental to my life...

Well, hold on a second.

Maybe I don't mean "truly." I most likely mean "immediately." I don't **Think** that I'm screwing myself over, doing something wrong, acting in a way that I may regret down the line. Figuring that our is an impossible task. I guess where I'm at, and what my real struggle might be, is trying to gain perspective on that voice in the back of my head. Is this just a mild warning, like a yellow check engine light that acts more as a distraction than a function? Or is it a loud trumpet that I'm just covering with one of those cones that they gave the weakest musicians in marching band?

How am I to react to my own self doubts, and can they be useful in any way? I'm lucky enough to have reached a point where I'm not in despair, and stable enough to know that it will take a lot of mistakes in order to really screw up my life. I want so badly to remain on a stable pathway up, to give myself quarterly reports as a human that satisfies my inner critic.

-------------------------------------Dinner Break-------------------------------------

Man, I need to stop complaining about this. It's not fair to give this self doubt so much credence. It's not wrong to find joy and to seek more of it when given the opportunity, and it's not short sighted to enjoy playing video games. I don't know where this fear comes from, or this lingering, pestering feeling that it's not okay to have fun.

If I'm being honest, though, is that I'm struggling to reconcile my desire to play games with my desire to create and produce and achieve. Maybe a little willpower is exactly what I need right now, some self-discipline in the face of the well-crafted, undeniably strong, behemoth dopamine factory that is World of Warcraft. I shouldn't deny myself it's glorious adventure, but I can't delude myself into believing it is true glory. I need to realize that the parental warnings given to me in my adolescence were not for their amusement, but rather an understanding that their loved one might make some tragic mistakes. 

So whatever this noise is, whether it's the remnant of loving parents' misguided advice, my own ambition trying to steer the ship, or simply the newest form of my anxiety just trying to fuck my shit up, there's something to listen to. 

But for now, the grind continues.

Spending time aint cheap

On Thursday, World of Warcraft Classic made it's long anticipated entrance back into my life. Like most 9-5 working adults I have only limited opportunities to put my time into this sort of game, and this weekend blessed me with the perfect storm: Girlfriend out for the weekend, Labor day, and only a few responsibilities of my own. I would end up jumping back into a game that had been a huge part of my early teenage years, for better or worse.

There are a lot of ways to approach this topic, and realistically I'm only writing this to explore my own thoughts on the matter. Let's get this out of the way first, I spent 28 hours in the game, over a 4 day span. That's seven hours a day, dog. That's a pure binge.

And with any binge, Netflix or otherwise, there's a degree of shame that comes along for the ride. I'm not sure where that shame comes from, my guess is it's a remnant of my parent's voice as a 14 year old, who also spent every second he could immersed in WoW. Maybe there's some regret about how I spent my Saturday, and that the opportunity cost of playing a game I enjoy was that I was falling behind on creative endeavors or other entrepreneurial pursuits. Or maybe I've internalized what it means to spend "too much" time playing, and no matter what I do with my life or what position I am in, I will have the urge to turn around, point my finger up and say with confidence "I am ok with this, and I will prove it to you." If I'm being completely truthful, I would say that I'm really not that ashamed of myself at all, and that I had a good time, and that I would do it again.

The long term planning, intellectual side of my brain gives off little warning signs when I admit to these types of things. I need to listen to that, because even though society is bullshit and we should be able to enjoy ourselves without strings attached or a master plan to monetize every single thing we do, there are still parts of myself that know what it's like to make the mistake of playing too much. Shame can have a purpose, and it can save us. It's what brought me to write this down, rather than rush to level 24 in the hour I have to play this morning. It's what made me quit in the past and refuse to bring a computer to college, entirely out of fear that I would lean on the gaming too much and fall behind. And even though I just started playing this game, and that it's been out for less than a week, I understand that there is no room in my life to maintain this level of commitment. I will enjoy it until it's no longer fun, and then I will phase it out. And there's no shame in that.

I'm going to have this conversation with myself again, no doubt. Video games are in an interesting place right now, where there is room to leverage them into careers or side hustles, and the way we treat them has become intertwined with capitalism and our society at large. Super preachy here, let's chill for a second.

Gaming doesn't have to have an end goal... Right? I can just enjoy my time off, hang in voice chat with my friends, and immerse myself in a world that hasn't existed in years. My gut says that there is value here, and that should be enough.

Maybe later in my life all of these luxuries will be gone. Perhaps I will have kids, and when I'm sitting at a tee-ball game I will day dream of the last time I had a Saturday off, killing mobs and healing through dungeons. If I really want to live in a delusional world, I might say that I have a responsibility to my future self to play as much as humanly possible, front loading my enjoyment and giving myself plenty of memories to cling on too when my time becomes a scarce resource.

Who knows why I'm not ashamed. Maybe I'm less ambitious than I once thought, or maybe I want to hide from the giant mistakes I've made. It's honestly tough to say. I won't lash myself for the sake of seeming like I have a successful mindset. That's just not the way I roll. I'm here for a good time, baby! Live large and no regrets, etc. etc.

But man, this weekend was a good time. Here's to next labor day.