The first days of my last semester of College. It's already different that what I was expecting.
Actually, I don't even remember what I expected. I knew that the play was going to be a whirlwind of an experience, and that my classes were going to be easy. I had a very open day, granted Wednesday is my lightest day, but all of a sudden I'm looking forward to the rest of my college experience. I had a night with my fraternity that went well and it was actually a blast talking to all the brothers I saw. The most pressure on me right now is this show, but this show is going to be an absolute blast and I can't fricken wait.
What I'm still struggling with, though, is how I spend my free time. I always write about this, and I always get anxious about it, but slacking off and playing games has always been my biggest vice. If I'm not working hard towards finishing a project or paper then I have no excuse for not writing and getting to the point of my career that I need to be at. I got myself this far, I found a group of people that are looking to be better comedians and come with me on a journey and I can't waste this opportunity.
So how do I fight that urge? Well, I guess being less stressed from school will open me up to resist the resistance, to push forward and start a writing session when all I want to do is play smash or a game on the computer. I can keep myself in the present and continue to push forward every day, I know I can. The alternative is a long life of regret, and at that point the only thing I'll be working toward is accepting my failures as a young comic in my last college days.
I had flaws in my older lines of thinking. I use old in the sense of "not now", as this flawed reasoning I'm trying to escape dates as recently as this blog has been around. I've always tried to sit myself down and sternly say "this is what I need to accomplish" I would list out goals and for a split second I would believe that I could achieve them in a timely and proficient fashion, like a robot or a super soldier. All I would write about is the value of writing...
And that Is what I'm trying to do now. I believe that was an example "meta-meta-writing" I'll stop myself at two metas so as to keep myself sane and on topic.
So I understand I had a flaw, as I'm sure I will understand about myself again in a few short months, but I'm older now than I was before and this sentence is as meaningful as it is a run-on. I am doing okay. I will be a success in only a few short years and I firmly believe that. It's time to go after what I want.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Arbitrary anxiety
Ohhhh baby we're back.
I felt another wave of anxiety today and i couldn't pin down why. I think a lot of people feel that way sometimes, like something is wrong but there's nothing to even think about. I guess maybe that's the problem, right? That there's nothing driving me. I'm not thinking of anything. There's nothing coming up, no deadlines, no problems that need addressing. This was a break that I needed, but I still want to work towards a goal. I think the problem now might be that I have too many goals to work towards.
I gotta figure out what I want. Not just who I want to be, because there's too many answers to that question. I guess the real issue is more philosophical than that, It's a question of purpose. It's the everlasting question of happyiness and meaning. What is the path that will lead me to as many happy moments and as few unhappy moments as possible.
I can't continue to answer that right now, because I have no idea. Maybe the only correct option is to go upstairs and work out, shower, and practice melee until tonight. I don't want to see people or hang out with friends... maybe I have social anxiety. Honestly, that wouldn't surprise me too much.
Whenever I get into the mindset of productivity, hard work, training and frequent writing etc. I get annoyed at the prospect of seeing other people and having them take that efficiency away from me. Once I start socializing for a while, i lost my steam and start down the slow path of complacency, stagnation, and finally where I am now, which is confusing and arbitrary anxiety. Is that a good way to live, though? Are my constant efforts to become productive the things that actually make me anxiious? Would giving up on the prospect of success be the right move?
Right now, I don't think so. The most obvious solution might be the right one, which is to work harder, exercise more often and try my best to make it as a comedian/writer. To keep melee in my life for as long as possible.
I felt another wave of anxiety today and i couldn't pin down why. I think a lot of people feel that way sometimes, like something is wrong but there's nothing to even think about. I guess maybe that's the problem, right? That there's nothing driving me. I'm not thinking of anything. There's nothing coming up, no deadlines, no problems that need addressing. This was a break that I needed, but I still want to work towards a goal. I think the problem now might be that I have too many goals to work towards.
I gotta figure out what I want. Not just who I want to be, because there's too many answers to that question. I guess the real issue is more philosophical than that, It's a question of purpose. It's the everlasting question of happyiness and meaning. What is the path that will lead me to as many happy moments and as few unhappy moments as possible.
I can't continue to answer that right now, because I have no idea. Maybe the only correct option is to go upstairs and work out, shower, and practice melee until tonight. I don't want to see people or hang out with friends... maybe I have social anxiety. Honestly, that wouldn't surprise me too much.
Whenever I get into the mindset of productivity, hard work, training and frequent writing etc. I get annoyed at the prospect of seeing other people and having them take that efficiency away from me. Once I start socializing for a while, i lost my steam and start down the slow path of complacency, stagnation, and finally where I am now, which is confusing and arbitrary anxiety. Is that a good way to live, though? Are my constant efforts to become productive the things that actually make me anxiious? Would giving up on the prospect of success be the right move?
Right now, I don't think so. The most obvious solution might be the right one, which is to work harder, exercise more often and try my best to make it as a comedian/writer. To keep melee in my life for as long as possible.
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