A real, actual stand up bit! Good for me!

What's important to me? What do I want to talk about when I go on stage with a mic in my hand and 5 less dollars in my pocket?

I need to discover how to unlock this part of my brain that will allow me to be a good stand up comedian. I want to create material that is relevant, honest, intricate, and fun. Let's start with smash.

I'm not sure if anybody cares or knows this, but I am a competitive video game player. I travel around the country competing in a video game for money. The game I play is the ever popular, best seller, Super Smash Brothers Melee for the Nintendo GameCube. I'm pretty good at it too. I am not exaggerating when I say that Smash is one of the top 3 most important things in my life, the other two being my immediate family and eating pussy... everything else is pennies. Smash is not just a hobby it is a lifestyle and some of my best friends are fellow smash brothers players. Look me up on youtube if you want, Poonslayer7 is what I go by. My gamertag.

If you don't know exactly how ridiculous that is, synonyms include "Vaginakiller" and "Boxdestroyer."

I like the tag, but "The Poonslayer" sounds like a creepy super villain. I feel like I need a counterpart. My arch nemesis, the "G-spot Guardian" . I try to slay, he Deflects away. I try to slay, he saves the day.


Why did I pick that name, well, Poonslayer is because I'm an irresistible man of many sexual talents and 7 because it's lucky. It may seem Ironic that a man who travels around to smelly card shops playing a video game claims such an illustrious title as "Slayer of Poon." But I truly identify with that name. I whisper it to myself on many occasions just as a little ego boost. like -

"Ah man, failed a test? Keep your head up, you're the god damn poonslayer7."



And I feel way better!


The name has caught on, which I admit is pretty uncomfortable. Some of my Girlfriend's sorority sisters call me "Daddy Poon" which is... A dream come true, honestly. Within the smash community there are probably 50 people who know me by no other name than Poonslayer. I hope that never bites me in the ass, you know? I have this feeling that I'm gonna be applying to a promotion in 10 years. I'm one of 7 people for this 1 spot in the company. It's the spot of my dreams, one might call it a G-spot. I have my suit and tie on, I'm sweating, this is the most important moment of my life. I open the doors into the conference room in front of a whole panel of executives when I see one man's eyes brighten. Beaverknight10. He stands up and loudly proclaims to the room of people with complete control over my professional career and yells "POONSLAYER!!"

"The G-Spot Guardian"

Ok, that's definitely a solid bit right there. Now is just the issue of memorizing it, which has always been a problem with me in the past. I can memorize this in two weeks no problem, perform it at the open mic, and see where it goes from there. It's something I care about, so I can definitely see myself working with this until it works.

My sister called me that once, I'm like "Relax Cersei."