Scatterbrained Spitballing

I really enjoy writing. It's the only thing that I can reliably go back to, something at I can take a bite out of in the morning and keep tasting until bedtime. It's been weighing on me, though, that just writing isn't enough anymore. Nobody will see what I'm writing until it's put out into the world, either through this blog or a video. In a way, that's the only writing that actually matters.

I don't know if that's really how it is, but that's how it feels and it sucks. I want to just write for a while. But that doesn't get me anywhere, in my head. That doesn't build a portfolio, or build an audience, or generate ad revenue. Nope, it's not enough. It's gotta be YouTube. It's gotta be produced babyyy. Production isn't fun, it's stressful and annoying. That's probably because I'm bad at it. Shit, that's really it, huh? I'm just not that good at it.

This is amplified even more by how expensive this whole set up is. Also; the fact that I'm not always (Read: never) in the mood to work on my channel when I get home from work. These things weigh me down. They can only be alleviated when a project is complete, or a milestone is reached, or a new script is written. They come crashing down when a take doesn't stick, or I have struggles making my microphone sound good, or I go a day without even writing anything. Those tiny pitfalls take me right to television and gaming. Wasting time, another crash.

I wonder if I'm just too young to figure this out. Maybe this was inevitably going to be a struggle, not because I'm not cut out for it but because I'm 22. That's the most hopeful answer. I actually hate that answer. It's a desperate grab at a pattern of failure, an excuse to take a step back and give the mystical fairies of complacency space to control your mind. There's nothing that says I shouldn't be able to get work done. I've been saying later for a long time. I finally start and immediately begin fabricating these reasons why it's not going the way I want. Out of all the reasons, age is definitely not one of them. I'm slightly ticked off that I even mentioned my youth.

And... there it is. I felt a kick of flames under my ass. And no, that wasn't just my coffee's side affects. Although, there's actually a bit of that too.

.....

^ That means I was away from my keyboard for about 20 minutes.

Strange, I'm in a totally different head space now. I don't know if I even want to read that stuff up there.

I've been meditating lately. Really just this week. But man, already I can understand why people do it. I'm not good at it, I keep thinking about shit, but I'm catching glimpses of this clarity and I really want to replicate it. I totally can, cause it's free.

I'm rambling now, so I'm just gonna wrap it all up.

I feel pressured to create. Almost entirely self-fabricated. I don't want to regret this time in my life as time wasted. I talk about this non-fucking-stop.

Lately, I can't even really give myself credit for writing. That used to be my entire goal, the way I used to go into the day with confidence that I was heading in the right direction. That was only a year ago. Right now, I can't get on board with that. It needs to be more. Tangible. Seen. I'm disgusted by that urge.

So, the only way to fill this daily need for satisfaction is to edit and produce videos. Which is a whole different beast that I'm still very new at. Also, my microphone has been sounding like shit lately and I can't tell why. Tons of steps still to take before this takes off. Is this going to happen?

Am I struggling? When I take a step back, I have to say no. I have plenty of good things going for me, I can wake up at 6:30 now without wanting to kill a rare bird. I've made my first couple of videos. Logically I can calm myself down. But it's exhausting being logical all the damn time. Plus, that makes for boring comedy. I think. I don't know what makes good comedy.



Yikes, what a mess of a blog. Reflects my brain pretty well. I'm gonna go work on some stuff now. Let's power through this.

The What's Next Effect

I try not to brag. Key word try, I suppose, but I really do think I keep it to a minimum. Every once in a while, though, I do something I'm very proud of. Yesterday was one of those times.

I finished a video project that will no doubt be successful. Zero doubt in my mind. Success is a relative term, of course, but judging from what I know in the melee scene this video has everything it needs to be a *cough* Smash Hit. I kinda hate myself for the last four sentences, so let's get to the point.

I'm struggling with how to celebrate this victory. I have a deep feeling of pride, which is rare, but now I have the urge to push that away and focus on what's next. No! Stop it, brain! It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I feel the urge to write this shit, and when I write a blog you know there's some anxiety swirling about my dumbass head.

Whew, lemme take a breather.

This seems like a universal creative-person problem. How do you put work behind you and look forward, while still living happily with your accomplishments? I know it's been a problem for me for a long time. Honestly, I've probably written about it here before. It's a strange conundrum, a bitter-sweet complication of somebody passed the initial hurdles of creating anything at all. A good problem to have, but a problem nonetheless.

There is one thing I'm definitely doing wrong, though. It's the dream scenarios. I'm playing all the different fun and whimsical outcomes of one video being released and changing everything. Should I write an example? For video projects it's easy, just imagine it going viral. Every video maker must struggle with these thoughts, it's so damn fun to let your mind explore the insane possibilities of the internet. Especially when you look at the hours of work put into it, and compare that to effortless meme kids getting showtime on Ellen. Screw Ellen, man. Why can't you put on someone from a niche E-sport community that specializes in drinking and degenerate behavior? She's gotta fire that casting director.

I don't think I'm gonna get on Ellen. But my stupid ass brain does, in tiny doses right before bed. I rarely believe these dream scenarios, but I don't really know how to handle them. Do I cull the outlandish fiction, chalk it up to the wrap-party adrenaline and take an ambien to fall asleep? Or do I entertain these thoughts, silly byproducts of my creativity, letting them swell my lonely brain for a brief moment and kick them out before they take hold and substitute reality. Two scary options. This is a scary path.

At some point or another, and this is undeniable, I must get back to work. Even if this project gets the best reception in the world, I have to keep going. So how long do I wait? If you count this blog as a step forward in any facet, I guess I'm doing okay. It just feels weird. All of this feels weird.


Like with most of these long-winded, neurotic mental tail-spins, I have arrived at a non-answer. No closure. No clue. I'm seeking some sort of company to this madness, so if you have any similar feelings please reach out to me and we can talk about it. I promise I won't bring you down with negativity, I actually don't feel a lot of negativity at all. I just want to know that this isn't a unique thing, that I'm not some madman tip-tapping away at a keyboard and slowly losing his mind while screaming "ELLEN! ELLEN!" at his dog.

This was good. I feel better.



P.S The video will be out on Friday. There are some post-production things I need to do with my collaborators. It's gonna be great.