I try not to brag. Key word try, I suppose, but I really do think I keep it to a minimum. Every once in a while, though, I do something I'm very proud of. Yesterday was one of those times.
I finished a video project that will no doubt be successful. Zero doubt in my mind. Success is a relative term, of course, but judging from what I know in the melee scene this video has everything it needs to be a *cough* Smash Hit. I kinda hate myself for the last four sentences, so let's get to the point.
I'm struggling with how to celebrate this victory. I have a deep feeling of pride, which is rare, but now I have the urge to push that away and focus on what's next. No! Stop it, brain! It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I feel the urge to write this shit, and when I write a blog you know there's some anxiety swirling about my dumbass head.
Whew, lemme take a breather.
This seems like a universal creative-person problem. How do you put work behind you and look forward, while still living happily with your accomplishments? I know it's been a problem for me for a long time. Honestly, I've probably written about it here before. It's a strange conundrum, a bitter-sweet complication of somebody passed the initial hurdles of creating anything at all. A good problem to have, but a problem nonetheless.
There is one thing I'm definitely doing wrong, though. It's the dream scenarios. I'm playing all the different fun and whimsical outcomes of one video being released and changing everything. Should I write an example? For video projects it's easy, just imagine it going viral. Every video maker must struggle with these thoughts, it's so damn fun to let your mind explore the insane possibilities of the internet. Especially when you look at the hours of work put into it, and compare that to effortless meme kids getting showtime on Ellen. Screw Ellen, man. Why can't you put on someone from a niche E-sport community that specializes in drinking and degenerate behavior? She's gotta fire that casting director.
I don't think I'm gonna get on Ellen. But my stupid ass brain does, in tiny doses right before bed. I rarely believe these dream scenarios, but I don't really know how to handle them. Do I cull the outlandish fiction, chalk it up to the wrap-party adrenaline and take an ambien to fall asleep? Or do I entertain these thoughts, silly byproducts of my creativity, letting them swell my lonely brain for a brief moment and kick them out before they take hold and substitute reality. Two scary options. This is a scary path.
At some point or another, and this is undeniable, I must get back to work. Even if this project gets the best reception in the world, I have to keep going. So how long do I wait? If you count this blog as a step forward in any facet, I guess I'm doing okay. It just feels weird. All of this feels weird.
Like with most of these long-winded, neurotic mental tail-spins, I have arrived at a non-answer. No closure. No clue. I'm seeking some sort of company to this madness, so if you have any similar feelings please reach out to me and we can talk about it. I promise I won't bring you down with negativity, I actually don't feel a lot of negativity at all. I just want to know that this isn't a unique thing, that I'm not some madman tip-tapping away at a keyboard and slowly losing his mind while screaming "ELLEN! ELLEN!" at his dog.
This was good. I feel better.
P.S The video will be out on Friday. There are some post-production things I need to do with my collaborators. It's gonna be great.
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