Scatterbrained Spitballing

I really enjoy writing. It's the only thing that I can reliably go back to, something at I can take a bite out of in the morning and keep tasting until bedtime. It's been weighing on me, though, that just writing isn't enough anymore. Nobody will see what I'm writing until it's put out into the world, either through this blog or a video. In a way, that's the only writing that actually matters.

I don't know if that's really how it is, but that's how it feels and it sucks. I want to just write for a while. But that doesn't get me anywhere, in my head. That doesn't build a portfolio, or build an audience, or generate ad revenue. Nope, it's not enough. It's gotta be YouTube. It's gotta be produced babyyy. Production isn't fun, it's stressful and annoying. That's probably because I'm bad at it. Shit, that's really it, huh? I'm just not that good at it.

This is amplified even more by how expensive this whole set up is. Also; the fact that I'm not always (Read: never) in the mood to work on my channel when I get home from work. These things weigh me down. They can only be alleviated when a project is complete, or a milestone is reached, or a new script is written. They come crashing down when a take doesn't stick, or I have struggles making my microphone sound good, or I go a day without even writing anything. Those tiny pitfalls take me right to television and gaming. Wasting time, another crash.

I wonder if I'm just too young to figure this out. Maybe this was inevitably going to be a struggle, not because I'm not cut out for it but because I'm 22. That's the most hopeful answer. I actually hate that answer. It's a desperate grab at a pattern of failure, an excuse to take a step back and give the mystical fairies of complacency space to control your mind. There's nothing that says I shouldn't be able to get work done. I've been saying later for a long time. I finally start and immediately begin fabricating these reasons why it's not going the way I want. Out of all the reasons, age is definitely not one of them. I'm slightly ticked off that I even mentioned my youth.

And... there it is. I felt a kick of flames under my ass. And no, that wasn't just my coffee's side affects. Although, there's actually a bit of that too.

.....

^ That means I was away from my keyboard for about 20 minutes.

Strange, I'm in a totally different head space now. I don't know if I even want to read that stuff up there.

I've been meditating lately. Really just this week. But man, already I can understand why people do it. I'm not good at it, I keep thinking about shit, but I'm catching glimpses of this clarity and I really want to replicate it. I totally can, cause it's free.

I'm rambling now, so I'm just gonna wrap it all up.

I feel pressured to create. Almost entirely self-fabricated. I don't want to regret this time in my life as time wasted. I talk about this non-fucking-stop.

Lately, I can't even really give myself credit for writing. That used to be my entire goal, the way I used to go into the day with confidence that I was heading in the right direction. That was only a year ago. Right now, I can't get on board with that. It needs to be more. Tangible. Seen. I'm disgusted by that urge.

So, the only way to fill this daily need for satisfaction is to edit and produce videos. Which is a whole different beast that I'm still very new at. Also, my microphone has been sounding like shit lately and I can't tell why. Tons of steps still to take before this takes off. Is this going to happen?

Am I struggling? When I take a step back, I have to say no. I have plenty of good things going for me, I can wake up at 6:30 now without wanting to kill a rare bird. I've made my first couple of videos. Logically I can calm myself down. But it's exhausting being logical all the damn time. Plus, that makes for boring comedy. I think. I don't know what makes good comedy.



Yikes, what a mess of a blog. Reflects my brain pretty well. I'm gonna go work on some stuff now. Let's power through this.