Never a Sprint Ft. Terry Cruise

Nothing like a rainy day to start typing whatever comes to my head. I got the gunk out with the last post, now I get to actually figure out what I'm thinking.

Scratch that, I never know what I'm thinking.

I know what I'm looking at, though. I'm enjoying a rare opportunity to hang with my Sister, her husband, and their baby. They live Australia if you believe that. Even if you don't believe that, they still live there. They are here for a month, and it's nice to see my nephew.

Back to ME. I need to focus on production. I say this over and over again... that's just the stage that I'm at. I have scattered knowledge and experience on how to make videos, but pulling it all together seems insurmountable. You know those rock climbing walls with colored handles jutting out all over the place? Right now production feels like one of those walls without any color. The moves and options all blend into the background, and once I set off there's no telling if I made the right decision. It's scary, frustrating, and in all honestly a little bit dull.

The amount of leg work that goes into this documentary, for example (yes it's still being made) feels more like exercise than fulfilling creative expression. I wouldn't mind if I had the time to do it. This is where I could launch into complaints, but I know that I'm in a good spot so I won't...yet.

A couple months ago I wrote that I was in a transition phase, and now that phase is just about over. There might be some changes in the next few weeks (crossing fingers for a raise, don't share this with coworkers) but all in all this is a period for biding time and developing habits. Footnote: My father just read that and got so excited he's doing jumping jacks in his chair. Stand up dad, they get easier that way.

This mentality is the only one I can stick to right now. I feel that a lot of my creative oriented peers feel the pressure to make moves and take risks, not realizing how much time they actually have. My biggest fear right now isn't that I'm going to miss my chance, it's that I'm going to get antsy and start sprinting when I'm miles from the goal. Slow and steady wins the race is what I'm trying to say. With that philosophy, the best thing I can do right now is to get my steady to be pretty damn fast. Does that make any sense?

Let me break it down the way I think of it, like a video game. Let's say you're playing a game where your character starts at level 1 and you get stronger and stronger as time goes on. You play a bit, then hit level 2. Ding! Gratz. Now you are presented with a choice. You can choose +1 to all your stats, or you can skip that boost so that future level ups will be +2. You might be down one, but when you hit level 3 (ding gratz) you now catch up to the point you would have been. I've lost the older crowd, but really try to follow this. This is seriously how my mind thinks.

Also, Mom and Dad, you were complicit in my World of Warcraft days. You are 100% to blame. Thank you.

Right now I'm trying to make decisions that will allow me to improve faster. To put it in realistic terms, it's the habit building I mentioned before. If you really want a better picture, watch the video on Terry Cruise's day to day schedule. He wakes up at 4:30, works out intensely, takes a whole arsenal of supplements, and by the time 8am comes around he is ready to tackle the day. Now, I'm not saying that I need to copy this standard of living, but you can't try and tell me there's a healthier schedule than that. That is the shining beacon of "productive creativity".

So that's where I land. I can't see any sort of "big break" on the horizon, nor am I looking for one. I just gotta keep chugging along, making steady improvements and leveling up. There's no way to fail this way, right? Man I'm afraid of failing. But that's for a different post.

Another long one, thanks for reading. Also, if you are looking to collaborate with anything production related give me a call.

I should do this more often..

Writing comedy is hard. I think everyone gets that. For a while, I figured that the hardest part of comedy writing was the writing part, ie. sitting down and doing the work. For the last couple of years now that's been my primary focus. Close to an obsession, really.

I think it's been going pretty well. I've developed a solid habit of writing, mostly on paper in my journal. That's not comedy! It's just feelings! Not the good type of feelings either, like poetry or something. Actually, I take that back. Poetry is definitely not the good type of feelings.

I haven't written a blog in a while, which is kind of on purpose. A lot of factors come into play as to why, but essentially things come up. Family is in town, some weeks I go into work early. Internally, though, I just haven't felt the need. Until now, I guess, I just didn't want to express myself to the world ("world" used loosely) since it changes what I say. But that's the whole point of comedy, man. I gotta get used to that.

It's really crazy to think of how different these are to my journal entries, and how similar they are. It's all because of the fundamental difference of people seeing it. I know from the start that these words can be read by somebody, so everything that comes after is a reflection of that. See, at this point I feel obligated to make a joke... the timing just feels right for it. In a journal, I don't give a shit. Who am I trying to impress? I'm not even gonna read it.

What I usually say in my private thoughts, though, is more uplifting than anything I've ever shared in public. That seems counterintuitive, right? I've never thought of that before, but that's exactly what happens. I encourage myself in my journals. I really try to take stock of the good things that are going on, as well as point out and forgive my shortcomings. It seems healthy, and honestly it's important. I try not to skip more than a weekend of writing, since it becomes so easy to absolutely fall apart and hard to get back on the horse. I call it "creative inertia." Most people call it "Anxiety."

So yea, writing is important. Why is it that writing these posts feels less important? Or, rather, that I tend to do it less often? These words are infinitely more valuable, no? At least in the common understanding of value, like monetizable value. Don't get me wrong, I'm a far ways from making a penny on this. If I hold the goal of having a creative job, though, is it not true that public work brings me closer to my goal? The only way it doesn't is if it's bad, but how can I tell if it's bad? There's no way besides my own taste, and my own taste says that it's good enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that fear is stopping me. I shy away from the work because of fear. I fear editing my long awaited documentary, I fear the process of writing and recording sketches.

No, that's not entirely true. I have a hint of fear, no doubt, but they are not impeding my goals. Life is far more complicated than that. It would be a huge disservice if I let myself end a post with an impartial reflection. Fear does not control me. It's definitely there. A bigger part of this is my schedule, and it has been a focus of mine for a few weeks now.

This is going long, great. If you're bored than I don't really care. This is more for me at this point. If you're really still reading then I applaud you, mom and dad. It's only my parents reading passed this paragraph anyway. Everyone else, you can call it a day.

Schedule, right. I've realized that I am totally incapable of writing, editing, or generally working creatively after a certain point in the day. That point usually comes around 3pm or so. Yes, if I really need to I can chug a red bull and pull an all nighter, what else is college meant to teach me? Regardless of what's possible, I've began to understand when my best time is for creative work, and that's in the early morning. So, I've been working on waking up earlier and earlier so I have more time in the mornings to get stuff done. That's my only goal for the next few weeks.

Now I look back and realize that I didn't need to share any of that. Who cares. I'm not late to work this time and that's a cool thing.

Thank you for reading this far. It really means a lot.