There should be no thoughts before you start. Maybe an idea will cross your mind - scratch that, you will have plenty. Don't try to lock those down, you arn't prepared. The only thoughts worth saving come with a pen in your hand, keyboard at your fingertips, voice recorder turned on. These are my rules, the only thing that keeps me sane now. "It will come" I tell myself, "Don't worry about these." Now, just because I remind myself of these good habits doesn't mean I don't go crazy.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
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