Lotta energy for 6:30 PM

I have vanquished the day off

I used to be scared and overwhelmed of these days, and there's plenty of proof of that in this very blog. I still have bouts of anxiety whenever I have a day where I'm all alone, with nothing but my own ego to hold me accountable. I'm actually quite good at forgiving myself for the days where I do nothing, where I wake up late, potentially hung over, and do the bare minimum so that I don't completely hate myself.

I'll be honest, I just came off a week of that. Ashley and I took the week to go on two mini vacations, on which I did anything but crush it. The only thing I did crush was the wine or beers we kept having. Maybe it was the vacation that gave me the urgency that I felt today.

If I'm being even more honest, I didn't even have that incredible of a day. I woke up at 9am, showered and went to the gym, did laundry, went food shopping, and cooked dinner. The laundry I had is lying in my living room, unfolded, yet the feeling of accomplishment is still washing over me. I still have more to do, for sure. Then again, I'll always have more to do. I guess the game becomes having the energy to do those things, as well as actually enjoying the chores in real time. I'm starting to get glimpses of all of this, with moments like this of self reflection and honestly saying "It feels good to live this way."

But this is a day off, and I'm inspired to admit to myself that I want every day to be like this. An obvious goal, a dream shared by plenty of people I'm sure.

Maybe not every day though, shit, I don't know.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how inconsistent I feel about any of this. Currently I feel pretty great, let's just set that in stone. I think any day with exercise and healthy eating, plus making my own meal, is a day ought to be replicated.

There's good and bad to that inconsistency, though, like it's good how I'm slowly starting to increase the 'floor' of what makes a productive day, or how I change up my morning habits for the better because a random book told me to. Then the bad inconsistencies, the scary ones, where I seemingly change my career goals every month or so. Or that, for some reason out of my control, tomorrow might end up being a total crap shoot because hey, I had a good day on Monday!

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but that doesn't sound quite right. It took a little bit of pressure (or willpower) to turn today into what it was, and now I'm happily typing along without a shred of stress nagging at me. Maybe I just don't fully understand all of the factors that motivate me at one given time, and so when the pieces come together and form a "productive" afternoon I can only look to a decision or two that lead to that outcome, and that means I give those decisions too much credit.

Or maybe it's much simpler than I make it all out to be, and that healthy diet and exercise really do give you more energy, and when I make the small yet significant decision to go to the gym and have salad for lunch that the rest of the day is much easier to pull off. That sounds right. It's a thesis, I guess.

The scary part is when that isn't enough, when the momentum wears off or some cosmic alignment doesn't work in my favor, and I realize that there's a limit to our willpower and sometimes we gotta eat shit from time to time. Realistically, when I'm reading the words as they're coming out, that's not that scary. But it certainly is confusing.

I think the really shitty part, when I try my absolute best to be as self-critical as possible, is realizing that there's still not much that's really produced. Like yes, I wrote this blog, and I'm about to record an episode of "The Wannabes", but there's still something that I need to work on without knowing exactly what it is. That might be the next step for me. I need to write something real, something that can be made, something that will actually fulfill me creatively. That is the work that will advance my life, not just burn off vacation calories, clean my clothes, or prepare food for the week.

So, fuck, I scared myself. I didn't know there was anything to be scared of going into this. I genuinely thought I would sit here and marvel at my massively successful Monday... but, no, I guess that's not where I'm at. I need to find a project, something that will convert the energy from the gym and salad and turn it into real, creative fulfillment.

That's when I can have a 'perfect day.' Anything less might as well be a waste of time.

This really matters

Just had a big tourmament. Feels nice. Ive done this before, written down my thoughts after a big win. This is fresher, though. Im still in the phase where i get to enjoy it, where the tweet i sent out picks up buzz and friends reach out with their "good shit dudes" and various positive emojis. Its all.. great. It warms me up all over, despite my rain-soaked socks and general dampness. 

Its not profoundly emotional, at least not anymore. Immediately after each set, yea. Beating leighton felt great, since he's been on a tear these last few months. Slox was a surprise, and what really stood out was how i grasped the win. 2 stock each game, executed with discipline and a clarity that i havnt felt in a while, maybe ever. Im not sure if ive ever felt so confident, and somehow i was able to access it again 10-15 minutes later against smuckers. 3-1 Against him, one 3 stock. I played strong. I deserved it.

Ive matured as a competitor enough to know how much this actually matters. Rankings wise, not at all. HNC is in the early stages, still, and not counting towards any PR. Maybe this helped me remain comfortable. In any case, im not too broken up about it. The wins still matter.

Its important to be validated in melee. Its not a cool thing to say, but we all seek it as players. I want the glory. Its taken a long time to accept that, to allow myself to seek the glorious victory and bask in the after glow. A healthy dose of that juice isnt just good for you, it's critical. Without it, where is the drive? What makes up the eternal fountain from which all competitors drink if not for the thrill of the win?

The tough part is, these goal posts are always moving. Playing the same people and getting the same "good wins" has diminishing returns, and context is everything. Im lucky to have had moments like this come with a sort of seasonal frequency, enough to where i never forget the taste but not so much as to have it be expected of me. Ive had bad tournaments too, of course. Brackets that knock the wind out of me, leaving me dazed and sending me out of the venue to walk and recover. Without these failures, of course, this current moment is almost nothing. 

Even without ever bustering out, playing to your seed starts to wear a person down. These wins prove to me that im capable, my gameplay proves that im better, this feeling proves that this is all worth it. 

Kind like "Oh yea. That's what this feels like. This is the best feeling in the world."

I wont project where this takes my ambition, how i continue on my training, my lifestyle or habits, who knows how it will play out. Now is not the time to set those plans. 

Im home now. Time to change these socks and knock the FUCK out.

Thanks for reading <3

I'm still not a better person

I cancelled my World of Warcraft subscription.

Note: If you're unfamiliar with the controversy surrounding Blizzard and Hong Kong, I suggest reading into it here

It's the first "political" action I've ever taken, besides voting. And I did it selfishly, not because I feel like it will really make any difference. I read a comment, something off-hand on Reddit, that said it's ok to take a stand on something like this just because it feels good. And so I cancelled it, and I'm sure my short-term productivity gains will prove this was a good decision.

I'm much more influenced by outside influence than I'm comfortable admitting. I take compliments to heart and insults to the gut. I follow closely the engagements on my Tweets and downloads on my podcast. Sometimes I'll look to my bank account for validation, not because I have a lot of money by any means, but because I had no money when I started working full time and it feels good seeing progress. I'd be lying if I said it's a priority to change this about myself, but some part of me is always aware that it's not healthy to lean on these things for any sort of happiness or stability. There is no magic number that will fulfill me completely, no viral tweet that will launch an amazing career. This part is just to remind myself of that.

This feels different, though. Like anyone else, I've been loosely following the Hong Kong protests in these months(?) for which they've been going on. I cheer for their tenacity, and even though there's virtually little I can do, this one action feels like solidarity. That even though I understand it's entirely for my own well being and conscious-soothing purposes, I can say without hesitation that I did something. I also know that every time I would pay that monthly payment, I was supporting a company that bent over backwards to satisfy China's brutal regime. I'm sure I do 100 things that contradict this, and I'm not trying to piss off any of my family in writing this, but I'm just here telling the story of the day. I quit something I enjoyed because my politics urged me to do so. I believe I acted truthfully. I do, indeed, feel better.

So now I'm thinking of what leads me to do anything, what constitutes "duty" or other such similar buzzwords. Is it enough to simply pay attention and react with honesty? Is it our duty to completely understand the days' topics, trusting the media with a grain of salt, finding the absolute truth before doing anything? How much of that is actually finding validation for doing the things we just want to do anyway?

How much soul searching is appropriate in simple consumption decisions, and at what point is it crippling? We of course need to take action eventually, we need to eat and shower and stay mentally sane. How can I tell when I'm being driven by Id or Ego, and when my willpower is low, how much self-criticism do I hammer into my head? These thoughts orbit me like dynamically-sized moons, mysteriously fluctuating in power, affecting my tides on a whim and causing blind spots at inopportune times. Sometimes they serendipitously align, leading me into a day of expression and love and confidence, bellowing positive waves for days to come and enchanting my mood with a faint golden hue. As though a sign from God, there's just now a beautiful sunrise coming through my window, angled just right so as to bless my hands but avoid my eyes.

I don't want to sound pompous or pretentious, since this is all just a basic action that many people would consider easy anyway. But I enjoyed my time with WoW Classic very much so, and have done a great deal of mental work to justify and accept how I played it. In the two months it's been out, I've accumulated more than 80 hours of play time. I can judge that number all I want, and I invite you to do so to your heart's content.

I now look to Hong Kong with a selfish and vain gratitude, as their actions and commitment to justice simply let me become more productive with my mornings. How fucked up is that? It's the best I can do, though. At least for now.

I walk away from this not with pride, not with a better understanding of honor or duty, but really just a good morning under my belt. A cold slap in the face to remind myself of what I value, and a short battle between my Id and Ego where the Ego emerges victorious. Maybe this is a first step to a capital G Good life, or maybe just a one-off virtue signalling content-seeking ploy for attention, or a simple way to satiate my growing fears and insecurities about the world.

 It's not as fun as Warcraft though, I'll tell you that much.

Make Money off Melee

Welp, it's that time of the Melee community's conversation life-cycle when we all despair on our game's financial opportunity. Or lack thereof.

Time to crack my knuckles and cautiously enter the fray yet again, and yes, I'm overtly aware of my position in all of this. Not as invested as top players, not as visible as top commentators, not nearly as committed as the top TO's. But I have opinions dammit, and I've covered/thought about the topic enough to at least give some insight.

So what's the problem here?

Melee is a difficult game to love, sometimes. We all know its intrinsic value, everyone inside the community has no trouble understanding why we love it so much, and what draws us to competition and large events. The game, the community, the energy, all of it. It's engaging and big and feels important, and the bonds I made within its borders are some of the strongest I've felt in my entire life.

There has been a common understanding that the finances are hard to pull off, damn near impossible for 99.9% of players. And, opinion time, that's kinda where most Esports are right now. We all see the big Fortnite and Dota 2 prize pools hitting the news, breaking records and confusing our relatives, and every time those winners hold up their seven figure checks the Melee world breathes a collective sigh into their bowl of Captain Crunch. "Why can't Nintendo support us like that?" we ask ourselves, before slurping down the remains of our dinner.

It's true, our developers don't support us. There are paths to this changing, feasible business strategies that rely on Nintendo fundamentally changing their views on Esports and 'Gambling', but most of these outcomes are a Pipe-dream. We know this. Most conversations, then, don't become about finding a million dollar meal ticket, but rather about survival. How do we keep our game alive, as we wander through the desert in the fruitless search of a promised land?

When players like Fiction and iBDW are pushing the game to it's limits, taking sets off of the absolute elite, yet can't seem to find a sponsor, what does that tell us? If players of that caliber are struggling to find stability, hell, even a stipend, then that's as much of a canary in a coalmine as I can imagine.

Financially speaking, our community is in the wilderness. Personally, I'm happy that I've never became a top player, since their struggle exceeds that of a local PR. To reach the top echelon of play requires sacrifice, both time and money, and when there are bills to pay it starts to become a question of "is this worth it?" Right now, we don't really have the answers.

 As I've said in a previous post, aimed at Moky and iBDW, the best bet is for our rising stars to buckle down on brand and do everything in their power to market themselves. Slime puts it simply in a tweet, saying "Your job is to ultimately sell doritos, by being a god gamer, that's how the ecosystem works. any time you do something online or appear [sic] ask yourself "how will this help sell doritos"

Melee won't bring in money, but attention will. Our most important KPI is not exactly viewership, which is great for big tournaments, but rather our returning viewers. We have a strong following, a committed community, and that is 100% marketable. Maybe Doritos isn't elbowing through Bugals and Lays for a spot on our stream, but there are absolutely opportunities out there. The question is, how do we get them in on the action? Smashers in the marketing world, this is your time to shine.

There's an incredibly important point that always gets lost in these arguments, and that's the TO's and other people working in the background for these events. They are the liver of the melee community, misunderstood, critical to life,  and constantly dealing with problems caused by alcohol. The TO's are running a thankless gig, and frankly I don't have the capacity to speak their truth right now. I reached out on Twitter to hopefully find someone that can shed light on their side of all of this, but from what I understand, they aren't exactly rolling in dough themselves. The Tournament Organizers might be the most important part of this solution, because guess what, if Taco Bell approaches us with a million dollar deal, It'll be Juggleguy handling negotiations before Mang0 does.

Let me end off with my personal experience, with my fledgling melee podcast and a short history of traveling. The greatest thing financial opportunities in Melee are likely outside of the game itself. Networking is brought up a lot, and although there might be some semantic satiation that renders the word meaningless, it's undoubtedly true that a wider network will help you find a good job. A job you don't hate, and one that can support your melee endeavors as we wander endlessly through the desert. Getting a part-time gig is not losing, it's called making a living. Every artist, comedian, singer, etc. has supported themselves this way. It needs to be considered.

For the top players, building a stream if of course important, but I'll stress that distribution is much more so. Look at Ludwig, he doesn't just stream, he has a YT channel and twitter accounts that puts his content out frequently. He gets commercials and sells merch. His commitment to content has gotten him to where he is today. Brand yourself. Marketing is the way out. Sell those Doritos.

 "cool ranch will lead you to the promised land" - Slime