I cancelled my World of Warcraft subscription.
Note: If you're unfamiliar with the controversy surrounding Blizzard and Hong Kong, I suggest reading into it here
It's the first "political" action I've ever taken, besides voting. And I did it selfishly, not because I feel like it will really make any difference. I read a comment, something off-hand on Reddit, that said it's ok to take a stand on something like this just because it feels good. And so I cancelled it, and I'm sure my short-term productivity gains will prove this was a good decision.
I'm much more influenced by outside influence than I'm comfortable admitting. I take compliments to heart and insults to the gut. I follow closely the engagements on my Tweets and downloads on my podcast. Sometimes I'll look to my bank account for validation, not because I have a lot of money by any means, but because I had no money when I started working full time and it feels good seeing progress. I'd be lying if I said it's a priority to change this about myself, but some part of me is always aware that it's not healthy to lean on these things for any sort of happiness or stability. There is no magic number that will fulfill me completely, no viral tweet that will launch an amazing career. This part is just to remind myself of that.
This feels different, though. Like anyone else, I've been loosely following the Hong Kong protests in these months(?) for which they've been going on. I cheer for their tenacity, and even though there's virtually little I can do, this one action feels like solidarity. That even though I understand it's entirely for my own well being and conscious-soothing purposes, I can say without hesitation that I did something. I also know that every time I would pay that monthly payment, I was supporting a company that bent over backwards to satisfy China's brutal regime. I'm sure I do 100 things that contradict this, and I'm not trying to piss off any of my family in writing this, but I'm just here telling the story of the day. I quit something I enjoyed because my politics urged me to do so. I believe I acted truthfully. I do, indeed, feel better.
So now I'm thinking of what leads me to do anything, what constitutes "duty" or other such similar buzzwords. Is it enough to simply pay attention and react with honesty? Is it our duty to completely understand the days' topics, trusting the media with a grain of salt, finding the absolute truth before doing anything? How much of that is actually finding validation for doing the things we just want to do anyway?
How much soul searching is appropriate in simple consumption decisions, and at what point is it crippling? We of course need to take action eventually, we need to eat and shower and stay mentally sane. How can I tell when I'm being driven by Id or Ego, and when my willpower is low, how much self-criticism do I hammer into my head? These thoughts orbit me like dynamically-sized moons, mysteriously fluctuating in power, affecting my tides on a whim and causing blind spots at inopportune times. Sometimes they serendipitously align, leading me into a day of expression and love and confidence, bellowing positive waves for days to come and enchanting my mood with a faint golden hue. As though a sign from God, there's just now a beautiful sunrise coming through my window, angled just right so as to bless my hands but avoid my eyes.
I don't want to sound pompous or pretentious, since this is all just a basic action that many people would consider easy anyway. But I enjoyed my time with WoW Classic very much so, and have done a great deal of mental work to justify and accept how I played it. In the two months it's been out, I've accumulated more than 80 hours of play time. I can judge that number all I want, and I invite you to do so to your heart's content.
I now look to Hong Kong with a selfish and vain gratitude, as their actions and commitment to justice simply let me become more productive with my mornings. How fucked up is that? It's the best I can do, though. At least for now.
I walk away from this not with pride, not with a better understanding of honor or duty, but really just a good morning under my belt. A cold slap in the face to remind myself of what I value, and a short battle between my Id and Ego where the Ego emerges victorious. Maybe this is a first step to a capital G Good life, or maybe just a one-off virtue signalling content-seeking ploy for attention, or a simple way to satiate my growing fears and insecurities about the world.
It's not as fun as Warcraft though, I'll tell you that much.
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