This really matters

Just had a big tourmament. Feels nice. Ive done this before, written down my thoughts after a big win. This is fresher, though. Im still in the phase where i get to enjoy it, where the tweet i sent out picks up buzz and friends reach out with their "good shit dudes" and various positive emojis. Its all.. great. It warms me up all over, despite my rain-soaked socks and general dampness. 

Its not profoundly emotional, at least not anymore. Immediately after each set, yea. Beating leighton felt great, since he's been on a tear these last few months. Slox was a surprise, and what really stood out was how i grasped the win. 2 stock each game, executed with discipline and a clarity that i havnt felt in a while, maybe ever. Im not sure if ive ever felt so confident, and somehow i was able to access it again 10-15 minutes later against smuckers. 3-1 Against him, one 3 stock. I played strong. I deserved it.

Ive matured as a competitor enough to know how much this actually matters. Rankings wise, not at all. HNC is in the early stages, still, and not counting towards any PR. Maybe this helped me remain comfortable. In any case, im not too broken up about it. The wins still matter.

Its important to be validated in melee. Its not a cool thing to say, but we all seek it as players. I want the glory. Its taken a long time to accept that, to allow myself to seek the glorious victory and bask in the after glow. A healthy dose of that juice isnt just good for you, it's critical. Without it, where is the drive? What makes up the eternal fountain from which all competitors drink if not for the thrill of the win?

The tough part is, these goal posts are always moving. Playing the same people and getting the same "good wins" has diminishing returns, and context is everything. Im lucky to have had moments like this come with a sort of seasonal frequency, enough to where i never forget the taste but not so much as to have it be expected of me. Ive had bad tournaments too, of course. Brackets that knock the wind out of me, leaving me dazed and sending me out of the venue to walk and recover. Without these failures, of course, this current moment is almost nothing. 

Even without ever bustering out, playing to your seed starts to wear a person down. These wins prove to me that im capable, my gameplay proves that im better, this feeling proves that this is all worth it. 

Kind like "Oh yea. That's what this feels like. This is the best feeling in the world."

I wont project where this takes my ambition, how i continue on my training, my lifestyle or habits, who knows how it will play out. Now is not the time to set those plans. 

Im home now. Time to change these socks and knock the FUCK out.

Thanks for reading <3