Learning From Ego

I should probably give an update. After the near-manic episode I had, I should let people know that I have not kept that pace all week. We have a tendency to let the last impression of somebody be their whole identity from then on, no? I still had a great week with my new job, but I’m not bouncing up and down at my desk all day. I still do a lot of monotonous work. 

A coworker finally got his way into my facebook, then read my blog, then approached me about it. He goes “You weren’t having fun at your job?” And I told him “Hell no.”

“Oh, too bad” he said, before smiling and going back to his desk. Creepy dude. Hey Sam.

I’ve complained before about having a limited amount of time that I can enjoy good news. I’m getting a little bit of that now, in a way. As I take a leap towards what I want to do I, see the path more clearly. Landing on my feet on Monday and hitting the ground running was like a rush of adrenaline. I actually had trouble sleeping Monday night, because I had just a killer day. Did I mention I won a tournament that day, too? From losers. Check out the bracket if you care to.

So I’m in the after area, the “what now” zone. I’ve been here before, many times. But I didn’t just have a good day, or a good tournament. I had gained new responsibilities that lets me work towards something cool. It’s a huge shift that affects my mood all day, and that takes some getting used to. But it’s obviously good. I’m still in a very good place.

The strange part is how far I still need to go. Every time I achieve something it feels like the beginning of another path. Is that healthy? Should I be proud of how far I’ve come already? I’d say the former is more productive, but the ladder seems more fun. The ladder brings me to a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while, and that’s ego.

What an annoying thing to read about, I know. ‘Ugh, you have an ego? Here, let me put a nice warm blanket on you. What a true survivor.’

Ego isn’t a good thing. It never has been, for me. It sits on top of my head and points out the good things I do, all day every day. A healthy ego is one that lets you nod along and go about your life, acknowledging success without becoming a dick. A strong ego keeps you looking at the good stuff a little bit longer than you planned. An out of control ego tells you to pick up the good stuff and start showing it to people at parties.

I understand egotistical people, I really do. A lot of time it’s a counterpart to their insecurities, but I’m not really breaking psychological ground here, am I? Comedians need a strong ego to have good stage presence, but I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about learning from my own mistakes, massive mistakes, that I’ve done as a result of ego. I don’t want it to happen again.

Look, I’m delving into some shit here. I’m not going into depth about some of my deepest regrets, okay? Just know that they were plentiful, memorable, and in both high school and college. Remember college? Like, less than a year ago? So, yea, I’m still prone to let it grow and really affect me. And it’s all rooted in insecurity, no doubt.

When I have good streaks I let it permeate through everything I have. I take moments to stop and absorb, just take stock of the beauty and hope and joy. I do this little thing where I laugh-cry, a short jolt of laughing and choking up for 3-5 seconds. Here’s the problem, though. Just like adrenaline, that feeling is fleeting. So I look for more, and now. After a few days of that, I’m just grasping at straws, or making huge decisions because I think I can handle it. I can handle everything! I’m unstoppable! We all know what happens after that. SPLAT.

I’m not unfamiliar with depression, and having ego fall on its face is a great time to go there. I’m not just fighting off the urge to brag, I’m fighting off the inevitable backlash of a lengthy ego binge. I can have ups, but I need to find my way back to ground. As the saying goes, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” Actually, I’m not sure if I’m using that right. Oh well.

That’s all I got. Just to plug something, I’ll be commentating the last Nebulous Apollo series tournament! I’ll be on for top 32-8 singles and top 8 of doubles! A pretty great opportunity, if you ask me. Check in tomorrow at twitch.tv/nebulousnyc where I won’t be playing, but you’ll hear my voice.

Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!

I Get A Bit Dramatic About A 'Promotion'

And just like that, I absolutely love my job. Wow.

Most people would tweet this and that'd be it. I, however, am just self indulgent enough to blog about it.

*Note - sitting at the job that I'm currently raving about.*

I have no idea what I've said on this page, so I'll just do a quick recap. I've been working at an Amazon redistributor as a data entry/junior affiliate for seven months now. Due to the lack of creativity, and abundance of monotony, I've felt a little run down lately. It might have something to do with how long this winter lasted, it being my first year out of college, or 22 other reasons. Today though, man. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time.

Lately my company has been trying to break away from Amazon and start their own website. Around that time I made a big decision. I approached my boss and told him what was on my mind. We spoke for a long time. We talked about how I wasn't content with my current role, how it had nothing to do with payment or compensation, and how I would be a big asset to something creative like building a website. He heard me -- He's always great with hearing me out, seriously -- and he put me on the job of ... well, helping. But it was a start.

Over the next few weeks I would diversify my working experience dramatically. I went to my first business meeting at my bosses friend's office, taking notes like a good little helper, and I learned a ton about eCommerce and website building. I was given a small budget and tasked with creating a business card via Fiverr.com. And, most importantly, I was told to research other similar companies and see what I could learn. This lead me to discover the importance of Business Blogging.

When that happened I felt like the sun came out for the first time in months, a small ray making its way 93 million miles just to fill me with hope. But this was a different hope than I've ever felt before. I didn't find an end goal, a dreamy circumstance of ultimate success, but the beginning of a path, on which I've never stepped foot. It was short burst. I raised my head up, felt the sun, then went right back down and got to work. It's trippy, thinking about the one photon that fought it's way from the bubbling star, from lava and combustion, that hit me at the exact moment I felt my career path shift. It didn't just fight, it battled. It was a war, from a star, that gave me A New Hope.

Im the greateest writer in the world

So I put my best foot forward and worked my ass off to make this blog a reality. I needed to make this blog the right way, I need to make it successful, Ah! This is so exciting! What am I doing? What, huh? It was coming together right in front of me, stumbling, scattered, when I had another crazy photon or whatever I said before.

I was gonna make it a comedy blog. Yes! Of course!

Now, I'm not selling you on this idea, because I already know that it's fucking amazing. My boss thought so, too. We sell health and beauty products, but we aren't health or beauty experts. Dietitians are expensive to hire, comedians are cheap and just looking for work. If you're reading this and agreed to write for me, I do not apologize. Know what you are. An alternative.

Sorry, nah, it's actually a dream job for me. Absolute dream scenario. Working with other writers to develop original comedy content? As a day job?! I don't drop my main responsibilities, which is fine with me because I'm good at those by now, but now I get to spend work time being a comedy writer. I'm a professional comedy writer.

I've been getting emotional all day, and it's not even lunch. Do I get emotional at lunch a lot? I'm so incredibly excited to come to work now. I feel pride that I've kept a sort of effort to take advantage of this opportunity, and I feel completely prepared to try at this and start getting better. Cause that's still where I'm at. The beginning of the path.

Ok, I'm still at work, but this needed to come out before I get back to, you know, being a goddamn content manager.  If you got this far and are interested in comedy writing, please send me an email at Jessegardner7@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook. I have a budget, and I can pay writers!

Thanks for reading.

Things I learned: How far away the sun is, trippy isn't recognized by spell check

Woohoo! A week off! *Starts Crying*

I have this week off for Passover. The whole week. Add last Friday, that's a whole ten days off work. Ten! An aspiring writer like myself should be thrilled to have this much free time. I would say I mostly am. But I'm also terrified. I've been in this situation before. I've actually written about this situation before (See: "Perfect Week." And the next post: "Perfect Week? No such thing.")

I know how it feels to drop the ball with this sort of potential. It's a crappy feeling. A lot of the time it'll happen because I think too big. If I take two minutes to dream about the possibilities I suddenly have 40,000 YouTube subscribers, 35 agents fighting over me and a Netflix special. This is all in my head, of course. In reality, forty extra hours to work on my craft is amazing and terrifying and everything and nothing. There's no guide here. All I have to go off is my own experience, which is jack shit. That's not true, exactly. I've gotten in a groove before. But now is different. Because it's now.

What the hell is this rambling, you might ask? It's exactly what I'm up against. This upcoming week is free form, it's improvised, it's a magnificent void. It's what I've been hoping to create as my life, really. I want to have the whole day to have to myself, to wrap myself in a cocoon of half-baked ideas and tolerable anxiety until I've created something that people may or may not like. Side note: This is a terrible pitch to be an artist.

I've taken a vow to stop telling people what projects I'm working on until it's done. So far, it's so-so by far. I will say that I have tons of ideas, but very few actual project ideas. I have a few in the works. I might need to finish those before moving on to other things. "Obviously!" Everyone reading this says at the same time. I say it to myself too. But I feel like I need to move forward with everything simultaneously.

Do I come off as a mess yet? I probably should. I don't want to come off like I'm miserable, or lost, or like I'm spiraling. In reality I'm having a pretty solid day. But nothing will fill this time-void perfectly. I can say without a doubt that I will never use my time perfectly ever for the rest of my life. Still feels pessimistic, huh? I'm really not trying to go there. It's just a technicality that makes me feel better. Nobody is perfect, nobody can be perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. Read that again and take a deep breath. It makes me feel good. It might send you into a panic.

I probably should have set a thesis for this post. Or at least a tone. None of that, no, I don't care if anyone likes this. The reality is, I have a lot more free time this week and I'm trying to use it wisely. I want to look back on Sunday night and feel like I did a lot. Not that I was perfect. But that I used my time off in a way that fast forwarded my progress. I feel like I'm playing Mario kart and I have a golden mushroom this week instead of a red one. I can use that golden sucker as many times as I want, and get a speed boost every time. Or I can use it twice, get complacent, and eventually have it disappear while I'm still in 3rd. I lost my older audience. Sorry Mom. And sorry again for saying you're part of my older audience.

I'm not going to say that I'm gonna write in this blog a lot this week, (See: two paragraphs before) but I feel like I'll end up doing just that. Who knows, I enjoy this a lot, maybe I can start considering this whole thing as a possible side-gig. God, there really is no thesis to this. I gotta start doing those.

Thanks for hanging in there if you kept on reading. If you're a fan of these posts, send me 500 dollars a week and I can start doing them full time. Otherwise, you're dead to me.

Scatterbrained Spitballing

I really enjoy writing. It's the only thing that I can reliably go back to, something at I can take a bite out of in the morning and keep tasting until bedtime. It's been weighing on me, though, that just writing isn't enough anymore. Nobody will see what I'm writing until it's put out into the world, either through this blog or a video. In a way, that's the only writing that actually matters.

I don't know if that's really how it is, but that's how it feels and it sucks. I want to just write for a while. But that doesn't get me anywhere, in my head. That doesn't build a portfolio, or build an audience, or generate ad revenue. Nope, it's not enough. It's gotta be YouTube. It's gotta be produced babyyy. Production isn't fun, it's stressful and annoying. That's probably because I'm bad at it. Shit, that's really it, huh? I'm just not that good at it.

This is amplified even more by how expensive this whole set up is. Also; the fact that I'm not always (Read: never) in the mood to work on my channel when I get home from work. These things weigh me down. They can only be alleviated when a project is complete, or a milestone is reached, or a new script is written. They come crashing down when a take doesn't stick, or I have struggles making my microphone sound good, or I go a day without even writing anything. Those tiny pitfalls take me right to television and gaming. Wasting time, another crash.

I wonder if I'm just too young to figure this out. Maybe this was inevitably going to be a struggle, not because I'm not cut out for it but because I'm 22. That's the most hopeful answer. I actually hate that answer. It's a desperate grab at a pattern of failure, an excuse to take a step back and give the mystical fairies of complacency space to control your mind. There's nothing that says I shouldn't be able to get work done. I've been saying later for a long time. I finally start and immediately begin fabricating these reasons why it's not going the way I want. Out of all the reasons, age is definitely not one of them. I'm slightly ticked off that I even mentioned my youth.

And... there it is. I felt a kick of flames under my ass. And no, that wasn't just my coffee's side affects. Although, there's actually a bit of that too.

.....

^ That means I was away from my keyboard for about 20 minutes.

Strange, I'm in a totally different head space now. I don't know if I even want to read that stuff up there.

I've been meditating lately. Really just this week. But man, already I can understand why people do it. I'm not good at it, I keep thinking about shit, but I'm catching glimpses of this clarity and I really want to replicate it. I totally can, cause it's free.

I'm rambling now, so I'm just gonna wrap it all up.

I feel pressured to create. Almost entirely self-fabricated. I don't want to regret this time in my life as time wasted. I talk about this non-fucking-stop.

Lately, I can't even really give myself credit for writing. That used to be my entire goal, the way I used to go into the day with confidence that I was heading in the right direction. That was only a year ago. Right now, I can't get on board with that. It needs to be more. Tangible. Seen. I'm disgusted by that urge.

So, the only way to fill this daily need for satisfaction is to edit and produce videos. Which is a whole different beast that I'm still very new at. Also, my microphone has been sounding like shit lately and I can't tell why. Tons of steps still to take before this takes off. Is this going to happen?

Am I struggling? When I take a step back, I have to say no. I have plenty of good things going for me, I can wake up at 6:30 now without wanting to kill a rare bird. I've made my first couple of videos. Logically I can calm myself down. But it's exhausting being logical all the damn time. Plus, that makes for boring comedy. I think. I don't know what makes good comedy.



Yikes, what a mess of a blog. Reflects my brain pretty well. I'm gonna go work on some stuff now. Let's power through this.

The What's Next Effect

I try not to brag. Key word try, I suppose, but I really do think I keep it to a minimum. Every once in a while, though, I do something I'm very proud of. Yesterday was one of those times.

I finished a video project that will no doubt be successful. Zero doubt in my mind. Success is a relative term, of course, but judging from what I know in the melee scene this video has everything it needs to be a *cough* Smash Hit. I kinda hate myself for the last four sentences, so let's get to the point.

I'm struggling with how to celebrate this victory. I have a deep feeling of pride, which is rare, but now I have the urge to push that away and focus on what's next. No! Stop it, brain! It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I feel the urge to write this shit, and when I write a blog you know there's some anxiety swirling about my dumbass head.

Whew, lemme take a breather.

This seems like a universal creative-person problem. How do you put work behind you and look forward, while still living happily with your accomplishments? I know it's been a problem for me for a long time. Honestly, I've probably written about it here before. It's a strange conundrum, a bitter-sweet complication of somebody passed the initial hurdles of creating anything at all. A good problem to have, but a problem nonetheless.

There is one thing I'm definitely doing wrong, though. It's the dream scenarios. I'm playing all the different fun and whimsical outcomes of one video being released and changing everything. Should I write an example? For video projects it's easy, just imagine it going viral. Every video maker must struggle with these thoughts, it's so damn fun to let your mind explore the insane possibilities of the internet. Especially when you look at the hours of work put into it, and compare that to effortless meme kids getting showtime on Ellen. Screw Ellen, man. Why can't you put on someone from a niche E-sport community that specializes in drinking and degenerate behavior? She's gotta fire that casting director.

I don't think I'm gonna get on Ellen. But my stupid ass brain does, in tiny doses right before bed. I rarely believe these dream scenarios, but I don't really know how to handle them. Do I cull the outlandish fiction, chalk it up to the wrap-party adrenaline and take an ambien to fall asleep? Or do I entertain these thoughts, silly byproducts of my creativity, letting them swell my lonely brain for a brief moment and kick them out before they take hold and substitute reality. Two scary options. This is a scary path.

At some point or another, and this is undeniable, I must get back to work. Even if this project gets the best reception in the world, I have to keep going. So how long do I wait? If you count this blog as a step forward in any facet, I guess I'm doing okay. It just feels weird. All of this feels weird.


Like with most of these long-winded, neurotic mental tail-spins, I have arrived at a non-answer. No closure. No clue. I'm seeking some sort of company to this madness, so if you have any similar feelings please reach out to me and we can talk about it. I promise I won't bring you down with negativity, I actually don't feel a lot of negativity at all. I just want to know that this isn't a unique thing, that I'm not some madman tip-tapping away at a keyboard and slowly losing his mind while screaming "ELLEN! ELLEN!" at his dog.

This was good. I feel better.



P.S The video will be out on Friday. There are some post-production things I need to do with my collaborators. It's gonna be great.

Write a Poem that Gives Directions on how to do Something

For Christmas Ashley got me a jar with a bunch of writing prompts in there. I've used it a few times, but this one was my far my favorite. I tried to knock it out this morning and I think it turned out just fine.

Have a great day. Thanks for reading


Prompt 38: Write a poem that gives directions on how to do something.

How to change your Identity
By Jesse ""The Rock" "Poonslayer7"" "D" Gardner

When once upon a time I was
A silly man with a simple name
A fellow with no hint of buzz
Loving life, however lame

But inspiration struck me just
As confidence inside me grew
Comedic pride, the jester's lust
Told me just then what I should do

At one pm, age seventeen
In order to my frail-self mock
Wrote out a new persona, clean
"Jesse G" Mid name "The rock"

In stoic pride I turned aside
And gazed upon indifferent teens
With saddened eyes, I realized
My lack of popularity

I changed since then, that's how it goes
Yet this was not the final day
A new identity I chose!
It's now the Poon. And how I slay

My chest puffed out, my ego swole
As if this was my destiny
The Poon infused into my soul
And then my bros thought less of me

It's fun and easy, join me friends
Go and try this simple trick
Your name is new! Although this tends
To make you come off like a dick

Finding Pride

It's always been hard for me to feel proud of myself. I don't know where this came from, if it's a problem or a good quality, but it's always been there. Whenever I achieve something, the feeling of happiness dwindles after a few hours. I almost completely forget about it after a day or two.

It's totally possible that this is normal. That nearly everybody feels the same way after getting a good grade or award or a compliment. I just wish it wasn't like that. The immediate affect is great!  But it goes away so quickly. Work hard for an hour, feel the accomplishment for twenty seconds. It's a tough ratio. I guess it gets me back to work, though.

I've been thinking about this problem for a while. I usually come to the conclusion that this is a good quality. A great attribute for production. Finish a project, back to the old grind. Get a compliment, don't let it get to your head. Sounds like what we've heard our whole lives, no? The protestant work ethic or some bologna like that.

The problem is, the grind is tough. That's why it's called, like, a grind. Compliments do get to my head, because I try to ward them off. I can't even accept them with grace, and then I overthink my thank yous to that person.

*Note. This doesn't mean stop giving me positive feedback. I love that shit. Just don't be surprised when I act awkward.*

Consider the opposite, somebody gushing over a prize or title won from weeks ago. They find opportunities to bring it up or ask your opinions on it. Is that happiness? Is that true pride, or an obvious attempt to compensate for low self esteem? It seems like the ladder, but it's hard to tell. Those who brag and boast seem pretty happy in the moment. I really think they're struggling. I've been that person, junior-senior year of High School. I was a huge asshole. I had plenty of moments where I felt like god, though.

A lot of times when I write these things it helps me find an answer. Brings me closer at least. This post is really just a rehashing of thoughts I've had for years. It really is just another way of describing anxiety. And like I've said before, anxiety is a hell of a strong motivator. So maybe this is a good place to be.

But I don't know. I'm seriously unsatisfied with just accepting this mindset. It might be productive, sure, but there's no way productivity is the reason we're here. I'm not a protestant, dammit. I'm in my twenties playing video games and working five minutes from my house. Did you know I got a 15% raise the other day? Tuesday. I already forgot about it. Why can't I just hold on to that for another moment, letting that confidence carry into my work? Instead I'm pushed to the grindstone, pushing towards another little nugget, pushing towards something ethereal and impossible and unique. Just take the money and chill out, man. Take some time to enjoy it.

Look, I'm doing well. Really, I'm happy and occupied and driven. So please, give me compliments. I promise I can take it.