I had one shift of goofing off, but now it's back to business.
Being busy is like a friendly game of tug of war. It's challenging, a constant pull to keep yourself in the game and hope that you come out on top. Let the rope go for too long and you'll inevitably lose. It's also fun, though, if you look at it as a way to keep yourself sharp. Pull too hard and you get tired, losing energy and growing fatigued. Try too hard and it's no longer a game, it's a fight for your life. There's a way to win, and afterwards you never have to be busy again.
I guess the key is to find out how hard to pull. I have work to do, and by virtue of my positions on campus I could never run out of work. Every idea that hits my brain is a possibility, and I've proven to myself time after time that I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to. Sometimes, though, I just run out of steam. I let go of the rope, and my team gets dragged passed the line.
Let's keep with this analogy because I like it.
It's also important to keep sight on why I keep pulling. Do I wan't to see my club, fraternity, or SAAC flourish? Do I want to be able to pat myself on the back and know that I did the best I could? Or do I just want to take home the MVP award. (If we're keeping with the analogy, it would actually be very difficult to judge who is the most valuable player on a tug of war team, but I digress)
Keeping focused, keeping busy. Putting down a game plan for success really is as simple as that. I see results in my writing, my smash playing, my command as a leader, the fun I have in the club. I have noticed growth in myself and it's hella exciting. I see my peers growing as well, Jared with his comedy, Matthew with his writing, my brothers with their attitude. It's a beautiful thing to see somebody grow into a better version of themselves.
Keep focused. Keep busy. I'm lucky that everything I need to try at is enjoyable for me. I like my major, I like my club, and I like my fraternity. SAAC literally is a counsel of people planning activities. If I'm focused and don't let things creep up on me, I'll be fine. If I keep up with practicing what I like to practice, I'll be fine.
If I ever need to unwind, I can play Smash, and even that's productive. What a life I live.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Why I hate waking up.
Oh the difference coffee makes. I wish that there was a sign above my head every morning that just said "Coffee will make this better" and I would believe it.
I hate getting up in the morning. I think everybody does, obviously, but I just needed to get that out there. The weird thing is, I like the mornings (Peep one of my first posts about it). Even though I feel as if the mornings are my most productive time, I still hate getting up. This rant is going nowhere, so I guess I'll talk about something else.
I can't understand how swimmers do it. Waking up at FOUR AM every day takes an incredible amount of willpower. I guess once they get into the pool and begin their workout everything changes. I wonder how long it took for them to become accustomed to their hell-like schedule. I doubt they chose that life for themselves, so at what point did they sell their soul and give up 3 hours of sleep every morning?
I remember in 5th grade I signed up to take music classes every Monday morning. It started at 6am and went until the normal day started. I chose the drum lessons for no particular reason, and the first day of lessons we were given a shitty little pad to beat up on. Fuck that, I wanted a drum!
So I went a week without practicing because I practically slept through the entire lesson, so when the next lesson came up I still had 0 training in the instrument. Luckily, it's very easy to bullshit your way through a group lesson after 1 week. I was still a bitch ass little kid with no intention of getting up at 5:30, so I kept on not paying attention for the second lesson. Another week goes by, and the third lesson starts. I walk in with my little pad, but everyone else has a drum. A huge drum. Well, it was a normal drum, but we were like 4 feet tall at that point, so it was half our size. I have no idea how everyone else got a drum, but it probably had to do with that sheet sent out at the first lesson. Whoops.
Everyone was tinkering around with their new toy and I felt betrayed. Here I was with my 2 inch pad that made no sound compared to military grade technology. It was like going to fencing practice with a pool noodle. It's like being in a frat and wearing cargo shorts. I was humiliated.
To make it worse, the instructor was pretty obvious in his disdain for my handicap. He asked us to play a section, then would ask me to play it again because he didn't hear me the first time. I'm like yo, obviously. What the hell do you expect, they have fucking drums, they barely have to hit them to blow your ears off. I would try to compensate by hitting it super hard, but then he would tell me to relax. I think I cried after that, I was a sensitive kid.
That was my last drum lesson. I tried to get out of it by begging my parents, but they weren't convinced. So, I started sleeping in class and missing homework to show that waking up early once a week ruined me as a student. It was a bold move, but it paid off big time and I got out of everything. I'm happy I had that extra time to sleep instead of developing both musical knowledge and discipline that would have helped me succeed in high school and beyond, but honestly, I'm happy that I go to a state school like Oneonta. Quitting got me this far, and sleeping keeps me going.
I hate getting up in the morning. I think everybody does, obviously, but I just needed to get that out there. The weird thing is, I like the mornings (Peep one of my first posts about it). Even though I feel as if the mornings are my most productive time, I still hate getting up. This rant is going nowhere, so I guess I'll talk about something else.
I can't understand how swimmers do it. Waking up at FOUR AM every day takes an incredible amount of willpower. I guess once they get into the pool and begin their workout everything changes. I wonder how long it took for them to become accustomed to their hell-like schedule. I doubt they chose that life for themselves, so at what point did they sell their soul and give up 3 hours of sleep every morning?
I remember in 5th grade I signed up to take music classes every Monday morning. It started at 6am and went until the normal day started. I chose the drum lessons for no particular reason, and the first day of lessons we were given a shitty little pad to beat up on. Fuck that, I wanted a drum!
So I went a week without practicing because I practically slept through the entire lesson, so when the next lesson came up I still had 0 training in the instrument. Luckily, it's very easy to bullshit your way through a group lesson after 1 week. I was still a bitch ass little kid with no intention of getting up at 5:30, so I kept on not paying attention for the second lesson. Another week goes by, and the third lesson starts. I walk in with my little pad, but everyone else has a drum. A huge drum. Well, it was a normal drum, but we were like 4 feet tall at that point, so it was half our size. I have no idea how everyone else got a drum, but it probably had to do with that sheet sent out at the first lesson. Whoops.
Everyone was tinkering around with their new toy and I felt betrayed. Here I was with my 2 inch pad that made no sound compared to military grade technology. It was like going to fencing practice with a pool noodle. It's like being in a frat and wearing cargo shorts. I was humiliated.
To make it worse, the instructor was pretty obvious in his disdain for my handicap. He asked us to play a section, then would ask me to play it again because he didn't hear me the first time. I'm like yo, obviously. What the hell do you expect, they have fucking drums, they barely have to hit them to blow your ears off. I would try to compensate by hitting it super hard, but then he would tell me to relax. I think I cried after that, I was a sensitive kid.
That was my last drum lesson. I tried to get out of it by begging my parents, but they weren't convinced. So, I started sleeping in class and missing homework to show that waking up early once a week ruined me as a student. It was a bold move, but it paid off big time and I got out of everything. I'm happy I had that extra time to sleep instead of developing both musical knowledge and discipline that would have helped me succeed in high school and beyond, but honestly, I'm happy that I go to a state school like Oneonta. Quitting got me this far, and sleeping keeps me going.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Why is Trying Lame 2/2
So last time I gave myself this prompt. I haven't thought about it since, but I guess I can give it a go.
"Accidental Nihilist" refers to how teenagers, at least in my generation, give up on ambition and their futures, at least until they realize they have things put in perspective. We have all different values instilled into us from birth about how we should work hard, get good grades, plan for the future and other shit. Simultaneously and conversly, we're told to be individuals and listen to ourselves. We're told not to do what we're told, but are also given some good advice. In the end, we just give the hell up.
The establishment wants us to work towards success, but kids want the establishment to go fuck themselves and misinterpret the good advice. "School is bullshit, tests are bullshit, I don't want to do well because you told me, and I hate effort in general" is a phrase uttered commonly in our school districts. Effort is associated with the bullshit notions of the government, or something, and suddenly trying is uncool.
Music is also big factor in our anti-establishment ways. For a while now there have been genres gaining popularity among youth due to their rebellious ways. Generations passed had Rock and Roll. Now we have Hip Hop. We rally around the ideas and values said in that music, namely partying and drug use. Not only do they go against the ideas of trying our best, but they also are fun things to do when we arn't trying our best. It also goes along with the narrative of Government = bad.
The Drug war, I feel, is a huge reason why theres a rift among older and younger generations. Research is being released every day about the positive affectrs of marijuana, LSD, and MDMA, but they are seriously downplayed. The easy answer, and probably obvious answer at this point, is that big pharma is totally fucking us over. Drugs are stigmatized and people who take them are villified. They're kinda like, super fun though... or at least I've been told. In any event, milennials are being educated about drugs more effectively than previous generations and they arn't buying into the DARE program. Weed isn't as dangerous as Herioin and damn near everybody knows it.
So where does that bring us? Kids feel like they're being lied to and as a result don't give a fuck about anything. The advice older people tell us about trying hard and being successful are nearly counterproductive for a 15 year old once they start being skeptics. The path of least resistance is to just stop caring about everything, and so people who do care are labeled as outliers. Makes sense to me, right? I hope that whole thing didn't come out as negative.
Anyway, I think I'm going to stay away from this style of writing for now. It's cool to be more focused, but I can start another "Blog" or "Topic" or whatever it is if I wanted to write shit people will read. This was always a warm up, and I think I like it that way.
On another note, this post will make October my most productive month yet in terms of blog posts, bouncing it up to 11! I want at least 13, but 15 is totally possible.
Bout to go work on something else. Check in next time!
Words I learned to spell: Simultaneously
"Accidental Nihilist" refers to how teenagers, at least in my generation, give up on ambition and their futures, at least until they realize they have things put in perspective. We have all different values instilled into us from birth about how we should work hard, get good grades, plan for the future and other shit. Simultaneously and conversly, we're told to be individuals and listen to ourselves. We're told not to do what we're told, but are also given some good advice. In the end, we just give the hell up.
The establishment wants us to work towards success, but kids want the establishment to go fuck themselves and misinterpret the good advice. "School is bullshit, tests are bullshit, I don't want to do well because you told me, and I hate effort in general" is a phrase uttered commonly in our school districts. Effort is associated with the bullshit notions of the government, or something, and suddenly trying is uncool.
Music is also big factor in our anti-establishment ways. For a while now there have been genres gaining popularity among youth due to their rebellious ways. Generations passed had Rock and Roll. Now we have Hip Hop. We rally around the ideas and values said in that music, namely partying and drug use. Not only do they go against the ideas of trying our best, but they also are fun things to do when we arn't trying our best. It also goes along with the narrative of Government = bad.
The Drug war, I feel, is a huge reason why theres a rift among older and younger generations. Research is being released every day about the positive affectrs of marijuana, LSD, and MDMA, but they are seriously downplayed. The easy answer, and probably obvious answer at this point, is that big pharma is totally fucking us over. Drugs are stigmatized and people who take them are villified. They're kinda like, super fun though... or at least I've been told. In any event, milennials are being educated about drugs more effectively than previous generations and they arn't buying into the DARE program. Weed isn't as dangerous as Herioin and damn near everybody knows it.
So where does that bring us? Kids feel like they're being lied to and as a result don't give a fuck about anything. The advice older people tell us about trying hard and being successful are nearly counterproductive for a 15 year old once they start being skeptics. The path of least resistance is to just stop caring about everything, and so people who do care are labeled as outliers. Makes sense to me, right? I hope that whole thing didn't come out as negative.
Anyway, I think I'm going to stay away from this style of writing for now. It's cool to be more focused, but I can start another "Blog" or "Topic" or whatever it is if I wanted to write shit people will read. This was always a warm up, and I think I like it that way.
On another note, this post will make October my most productive month yet in terms of blog posts, bouncing it up to 11! I want at least 13, but 15 is totally possible.
Bout to go work on something else. Check in next time!
Words I learned to spell: Simultaneously
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Why is Trying Lame? Part 1/2
Most people have terrible memories of their teenage years. The insecurity, bullying, and raging hormones ruled our lives for 3-5 years, and those insecurities are still present in college students and beyond. The culture of popularity and coolness that dominated the halls of middle to high school shaped us into what we are now. Thankfully, college breaks down all those barriers and lets people thrive the way they want to. There is one little thing that still lurks around among my friends, and it's shown even in post grad adults, and that's the stigma given to effort.
I'm guilty of buying into this behavior too. Whenever I see somebody sharing their event or advertising their show on Facebook I start thinking about their motives or how good it's going to be. This is much more innocent than typical 13 year old behavior, of course, as I didn't throw stink bombs at them or call them gay, but that stuff goes away with maturity. The general attitude is still inside me somewhere, and even though this is hard to admit, I kinda want them to fail.
It's terribly shitty of me, I know. There's no part of me that defends this kind of thinking, but I need to acknowledge it. People want other people to fail. Trying to do something is just a little bit annoying. I can only blame my teenage self for these behaviors. It is not human nature to hate effort.
This attitude isn't in children, I don't think. Little kids don't give a fuck. Give them an activity and they go all in. The worse thing you can do in the eyes of a child is to not try at all. At some point in our development everything changed. We started to take a step back and insult anybody who gave a shit. Not caring was cool. Apathy is almost the defining trait of adolescence.
It doesn't seem like human nature to not try as a teen, though. From an evolutionary standpoint, there is no way that humans who lounged around and rolled their eyes at everything from the years of 12-16 were the most successful tribe with the most successful genes. I doubt that caveman teenagers returning to camp with a bunch of food were called "tryhards" and kicked in the balls.
So why is the attitude seemingly everywhere? I have a couple of theories.
My first idea I like to call the "Cringe-Fail theory." Dumb name, I know, but hear me out. The basic idea is that we hate watching people do badly, so we try our best to make sure they never get a chance to fail by berating them and lowering their ambitions. For our own selfish, insecure reasons, we cannot bare the sight of somebody giving their all and coming short. Obviously, failure is the first step towards success, but as moody teenagers we can't think that far ahead and instead just turn the tide on the person trying to prevent them ever doing it again.
That leads me to my next theory, which we can call the "Social authority theory." The idea is that we want power and influence among our peers, so the best way to gain power is to seize it from other people. Whenever we see somebody make themselves trying their best (In turn making themselves vulnerable) we have a tendency to use that opportunity to make ourselves appear more powerful. Unless the person is a booming success, joking at the "try-er's" expense is usually a good maneuver. The more power a person has in a social circle, the more successful his attempts to bring people down becomes. To put it another way, the rich get richer.
Another theory is the "Jealousy backlash" theory and it's not much more complicated than that. Everybody wants to do well, and watching somebody else do well is painful. In turn, we try to make ourselves feel better by framing that person as a loser, try-hard, or virgin. At some point, we catch on to the fact that effort leads to success, so instead of bettering ourselves by trying a little harder, we take the easier route and tend to our fragile egos.
Finally, we have my favorite theory of all. I like to call it the "Accidental Nihilist Theory." I'm coming up on a full page, so I'm going to write about this tomorrow.
Until then, take care.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Writing is everything
Today, while walking to work from my car, I felt a strange pang of anxiety. In the quad was a man, and around him were posters strewn about the ground. The only thing I can remember was "#Kanyeforpresident" Oh yea, I forgot to mention he was partially naked, wearing only boxer shorts. It was cold and raining.
I have no idea why I felt anxious as I went past this bizarre political display. My first instinct, with my obsession with "creative productivity," was to accredit this wave of discomfort to my lack of writing this morning. I haven't had the chance to express my own ideals, so I need to do that. Maybe I was right. As I write this, as a matter of fact, I feel any anxiety I have slowly fade away. The more I write and express myself, the less anxious I become.
Then why do I still feel, sometimes, like writing is the last thing I want to do? I understand so well that more writing = feeling better. To produce is to feel confident. It is literally the first thing I think about when I feel an inexplicable tightening in my chest. It's becoming a part of me to desire the next writing project.
According to the great Mark Cohen, "Writing is fucking hard." It definitely is. Any sort of plans to do any sort of writing garners some sort of resistance. Personal journals, I don't want to access that part of myself. Stand up, I don't want to bomb on stage. Screenwriting, I don't want to stare at a blank screen and feel the failure take over me. Rapping, I'm white. Poetry, well, poetry is dumb, right?
So here I am, again, writing in my blog. It's a bit of a safe haven for me. I can do no wrong in this area. It's not only an introduction to my day's writing, a sort of way to get my brain into gear and warm up my fingers, but it's also where I can plant myself and explore what I'm really thinking. I almost never edit these posts. It's train of thought through and through. That doesn't make for the most successful blog in the world (See my viewership on each post) but it does let me be entirely real as well as productive.
So the fact that I can come back to this blog any time I want is a good thing, right? I'm writing now and eliminating my anxiety, right?! I don't really think so. I did use this post as a way to realize what I am worried about, and now that I'm thinking about it I feel that familiar tightness in my chest yet again.
I am graduating in 7 months.
That's 7 months to set up my post-grad life. 7 months is all I get to get myself in gear to become a successful whatever. 7 months to figure out what that 'whatever' is.
As long as every day has this sort of reflection, as well as progress towards comedy writing, then I think I'll land in a good spot. I'm developing a work ethic that I'll need to convince my parents to let me pursue my dreams without taking another job, at least for a little. 7 months to train and produce and perform and fail without the pressure of real life truly setting down on me.
It's fuckin scary. And every day hardly gives any indication of my progress, so all I can do is keep pushing with my eyes closed until success taps me on the shoulder. Keep working, keep taking care of myself, and keep working. That's my mindset. That's all I can ever do.
Time to take care of some business. I'll check in next time.
I have no idea why I felt anxious as I went past this bizarre political display. My first instinct, with my obsession with "creative productivity," was to accredit this wave of discomfort to my lack of writing this morning. I haven't had the chance to express my own ideals, so I need to do that. Maybe I was right. As I write this, as a matter of fact, I feel any anxiety I have slowly fade away. The more I write and express myself, the less anxious I become.
Then why do I still feel, sometimes, like writing is the last thing I want to do? I understand so well that more writing = feeling better. To produce is to feel confident. It is literally the first thing I think about when I feel an inexplicable tightening in my chest. It's becoming a part of me to desire the next writing project.
According to the great Mark Cohen, "Writing is fucking hard." It definitely is. Any sort of plans to do any sort of writing garners some sort of resistance. Personal journals, I don't want to access that part of myself. Stand up, I don't want to bomb on stage. Screenwriting, I don't want to stare at a blank screen and feel the failure take over me. Rapping, I'm white. Poetry, well, poetry is dumb, right?
So here I am, again, writing in my blog. It's a bit of a safe haven for me. I can do no wrong in this area. It's not only an introduction to my day's writing, a sort of way to get my brain into gear and warm up my fingers, but it's also where I can plant myself and explore what I'm really thinking. I almost never edit these posts. It's train of thought through and through. That doesn't make for the most successful blog in the world (See my viewership on each post) but it does let me be entirely real as well as productive.
So the fact that I can come back to this blog any time I want is a good thing, right? I'm writing now and eliminating my anxiety, right?! I don't really think so. I did use this post as a way to realize what I am worried about, and now that I'm thinking about it I feel that familiar tightness in my chest yet again.
I am graduating in 7 months.
That's 7 months to set up my post-grad life. 7 months is all I get to get myself in gear to become a successful whatever. 7 months to figure out what that 'whatever' is.
As long as every day has this sort of reflection, as well as progress towards comedy writing, then I think I'll land in a good spot. I'm developing a work ethic that I'll need to convince my parents to let me pursue my dreams without taking another job, at least for a little. 7 months to train and produce and perform and fail without the pressure of real life truly setting down on me.
It's fuckin scary. And every day hardly gives any indication of my progress, so all I can do is keep pushing with my eyes closed until success taps me on the shoulder. Keep working, keep taking care of myself, and keep working. That's my mindset. That's all I can ever do.
Time to take care of some business. I'll check in next time.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Rambling, Venting, Brainstorming.
I got a test back today. 91! I expected to get a way lower grade than that, honestly. Sometimes you just get lucky.
Today is looking like it's gonna be pretty hectic in terms of writing. For tonight, I need to make an entire Trivia powerpoint. Those take about 2 hours to make, so I hope I can knock that out during my shift. When I finish that, I need to work on my screenplay and try to get at least 8-10 pages done of that. If I show up to class tomorrow with 20-25 pages, I don't think my professor is going to be that upset (the deadline was 30 pages)
Currently, I'm considering buying a sweatshirt with my tag on the back. It would cost $90, which is definitely a steep price. It would be so great though, and I would wear it literally everywhere. I think it would be worth it, but that's literally 9 hours of my life given away just for a sweatshirt. If I'm going to buy that, I need to take a break from going out to eat for a week or so.
The craziness of college life is annoying me lately. I would like it if I knew how each week was going to go, with trips and vacations planned of course. I don't really like having random obligations spring up every day, and different work being presented to me every day. I'd also prefer if this blog were more of an opportunity to write about subjects interesting to me and develop material, rather that what it is now, which is just a place to vent.
Or to brainstorm, I guess. I had a couple of ideas for this trivia night... But I just cant remember them... Baseball was one. Comedy of the 90's. Anatomy maybe? I'm just babbling on to myself now. I also need a final question. This is a lame ass blog post.
Not having an audience for this is pretty cool. I don't feel the pressure of needing to appeal to anybody, make someone laugh, give a good impression. Maybe I'll never give away this little sanctuary I got going and just keep it a journal that could be leaked and ruin my life if anything incriminating is inside. I'm bored now.
I'll check in tomorrow, I guess. I don't feel like starting this trivia at all, so I'll do it in small steps and take many, many breaks.
Today is looking like it's gonna be pretty hectic in terms of writing. For tonight, I need to make an entire Trivia powerpoint. Those take about 2 hours to make, so I hope I can knock that out during my shift. When I finish that, I need to work on my screenplay and try to get at least 8-10 pages done of that. If I show up to class tomorrow with 20-25 pages, I don't think my professor is going to be that upset (the deadline was 30 pages)
Currently, I'm considering buying a sweatshirt with my tag on the back. It would cost $90, which is definitely a steep price. It would be so great though, and I would wear it literally everywhere. I think it would be worth it, but that's literally 9 hours of my life given away just for a sweatshirt. If I'm going to buy that, I need to take a break from going out to eat for a week or so.
The craziness of college life is annoying me lately. I would like it if I knew how each week was going to go, with trips and vacations planned of course. I don't really like having random obligations spring up every day, and different work being presented to me every day. I'd also prefer if this blog were more of an opportunity to write about subjects interesting to me and develop material, rather that what it is now, which is just a place to vent.
Or to brainstorm, I guess. I had a couple of ideas for this trivia night... But I just cant remember them... Baseball was one. Comedy of the 90's. Anatomy maybe? I'm just babbling on to myself now. I also need a final question. This is a lame ass blog post.
Not having an audience for this is pretty cool. I don't feel the pressure of needing to appeal to anybody, make someone laugh, give a good impression. Maybe I'll never give away this little sanctuary I got going and just keep it a journal that could be leaked and ruin my life if anything incriminating is inside. I'm bored now.
I'll check in tomorrow, I guess. I don't feel like starting this trivia at all, so I'll do it in small steps and take many, many breaks.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Dreams of the Future and Boring Introspection
Okay, Ill admit it. I took some about 3 hours ago. I have a lot of stuff to catch up on, as well as two tests to study for, so I'm going to excuse myself of any guilt and ask anyone reading this to do the same. Sorry Dad/Mom if you're reading this. Just know that I'm very responsible and take care of myself well.
Speaking of study drugs, yesterday I was reading a little bit about a new drug called modafinil that's gaining some traction online. It is supposed to give similar effects to adderall and vivanse, with less chance of addiction. It's apparently not an amphetamine, which is very appealing. The fact that most study drugs are amphetamines are the number 1 reason why I'm afraid of them. They are incredibly potent and abused all over the country! Now that there's an alternate available, with plenty of rave reviews online from drug forums and other sources, I'm thinking about it. If the biggest reason as to why I shouldn't give it a shot is that I'm cheating, or a dogmatic clinging to the notion that "Drugs are bad," then I'll do it. I'm definitely going to think about it more, though. This whole buying online with sketchy mc-sketchpants websites is enough to make me hesitate.
This weekend was a hella good time. I'll say it now, even though I didn't tell my Mother yet, I got a speeding ticket. It's my second ticket, but I still have no points on my license (yet) because I did a program with the first ticket to make sure it didn't add points. Apparently this time the cop will help me out to make sure the same thing happens, for the price of a more expensive ticket. God damnit.
It's interesting though, and kind of nice, to have the worst thing in my life be a speeding ticket. I'm not stressed about my classes, I'm not behind on any work, my relationship is going great, and I'm healthy. I have a good job and money coming in, so it's not going to kill me to have to pay an expensive ticket. It definitely still sucks, and will probably lead to me not speeding in the future (hopefully), but I'm not taking it too badly. If I were a religious man I would say this was God's way of testing how happy I am, and my patience with his... master plan.. I guess. I don't know, all I know is that I'm chillin.
I've also been doubling down on figuring out what the hell I want to do when I get out of college. I think right now I want to take a couple of months off to see how I can fare with comedy/smash as a lifestyle. It will take some convincing to my parents to be okay with me literally being jobless for two months, but I think that if I work really hard I can possibly make some money doing what I love. Maybe I will take one month to just write, perform, practice, and compete, and see how that goes for me. Maybe month 2 Ill take a part time job and keep doing what I'm doing, then month 3 I'll start looking for a career if I don't make too much progress. It just seems so appealing to me to be able to spend every hour of the day working towards my goals, instead of working for some other company just to make money.
But the thing is, I have so many goals right now that I don't know the best place to start. I think my biggest goal is to get a job as a comedy writer and go from there. If I keep on writing, networking, and performing then I can definitely do it.
If I get a job as a writer, then I think the next step would be to start streaming. I love video games, I love performing, and I love improv, so I think having a stream would be a great way to incorporate that into a tangible, marketable product. I would be a hella good streamer.
But this is all thinking of the future, and I have a hell of a long way to go. First step is to get my degree, which is the next thing I'm going to work on with writing my Screenplay and making a study guide for one of my classes. I'm ready to get my life started, so let's see if I can work hard while doing everything else that I'm doing.
That was a pretty hard rant to follow, and mostly a freewrite, but that's the point of this blog anyway. It always feels good to come back to this after a weekend of not writing. That's a great realization for me.
Till next time.
Speaking of study drugs, yesterday I was reading a little bit about a new drug called modafinil that's gaining some traction online. It is supposed to give similar effects to adderall and vivanse, with less chance of addiction. It's apparently not an amphetamine, which is very appealing. The fact that most study drugs are amphetamines are the number 1 reason why I'm afraid of them. They are incredibly potent and abused all over the country! Now that there's an alternate available, with plenty of rave reviews online from drug forums and other sources, I'm thinking about it. If the biggest reason as to why I shouldn't give it a shot is that I'm cheating, or a dogmatic clinging to the notion that "Drugs are bad," then I'll do it. I'm definitely going to think about it more, though. This whole buying online with sketchy mc-sketchpants websites is enough to make me hesitate.
This weekend was a hella good time. I'll say it now, even though I didn't tell my Mother yet, I got a speeding ticket. It's my second ticket, but I still have no points on my license (yet) because I did a program with the first ticket to make sure it didn't add points. Apparently this time the cop will help me out to make sure the same thing happens, for the price of a more expensive ticket. God damnit.
It's interesting though, and kind of nice, to have the worst thing in my life be a speeding ticket. I'm not stressed about my classes, I'm not behind on any work, my relationship is going great, and I'm healthy. I have a good job and money coming in, so it's not going to kill me to have to pay an expensive ticket. It definitely still sucks, and will probably lead to me not speeding in the future (hopefully), but I'm not taking it too badly. If I were a religious man I would say this was God's way of testing how happy I am, and my patience with his... master plan.. I guess. I don't know, all I know is that I'm chillin.
I've also been doubling down on figuring out what the hell I want to do when I get out of college. I think right now I want to take a couple of months off to see how I can fare with comedy/smash as a lifestyle. It will take some convincing to my parents to be okay with me literally being jobless for two months, but I think that if I work really hard I can possibly make some money doing what I love. Maybe I will take one month to just write, perform, practice, and compete, and see how that goes for me. Maybe month 2 Ill take a part time job and keep doing what I'm doing, then month 3 I'll start looking for a career if I don't make too much progress. It just seems so appealing to me to be able to spend every hour of the day working towards my goals, instead of working for some other company just to make money.
But the thing is, I have so many goals right now that I don't know the best place to start. I think my biggest goal is to get a job as a comedy writer and go from there. If I keep on writing, networking, and performing then I can definitely do it.
If I get a job as a writer, then I think the next step would be to start streaming. I love video games, I love performing, and I love improv, so I think having a stream would be a great way to incorporate that into a tangible, marketable product. I would be a hella good streamer.
But this is all thinking of the future, and I have a hell of a long way to go. First step is to get my degree, which is the next thing I'm going to work on with writing my Screenplay and making a study guide for one of my classes. I'm ready to get my life started, so let's see if I can work hard while doing everything else that I'm doing.
That was a pretty hard rant to follow, and mostly a freewrite, but that's the point of this blog anyway. It always feels good to come back to this after a weekend of not writing. That's a great realization for me.
Till next time.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Focus, focus, fucos
I feel like shit today. I've felt like shit for a month now and it's starting to wear me down.
Yesterday I didn't write and I felt it. Just more reaffirming that I need to write in order to feel normal. I just didn't have the energy, I guess. I also need to study and I felt that every time I sat down to do anything I was doing the wrong thing. I still feel unprepared for this test.
I feel even MORE unprepared for my other tests coming up, which are arguably way important. But I just feel myself caring less and less about grades and tests. I want to have my days be less stressful. Not exactly a unique sentiment, I know, but it's just becoming more of a reality now that after school my life becomes so much more open ended.
I've been thinking more and more about how I want to spend my post-grad life. I know I can have a good work ethic, so It's all about working hard every day to make sure I'm working towards a goal and having fun. The weird thing is, If I want to be a performer/personality/comedian then I need to work on my brand. I have the potential to show off on everything I do, this blog for example has yet to be "announced" or advertised in any way. I have plenty of rap material that I can start making into songs, and I also have a few poems that could be recorded. I could write 3 skits a week and work for a start up entertainment company.
I want to keep doing all of these things, just writing and writing and writing. Finish my spec to show to other comedians who like the show. Make a video here and there and hope it catches fire. My resume is small for now, but the more it grows the better each piece gets better (hopefully) and I increase my value as a creative. I just gotta keep pushing.
The problem now, though, is this schoolwork. Even now, when I'm doing the one thing I feel is most important, I feel this guilt that I'm not studying and I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I need a study partner for Geography class. Maybe I just need to delegate my time better or start exercising.
Moments of stress pass through me as I write this, and it kind of sucks. Maybe I need that stress so I can get back to what's important and not fail out of school. I just want this damned test to be over with so I can get on with my life. Also, being at work doesn't make me feel too much better. I'm also super tempted to just go on Facebook and Reddit and do absolutely nothing until test time, but I know that would not make me feel good in the long run.
Backing up a bit, I've been debating whether or not I want to start sharing my blog posts. I don't think that I want to, at least not yet. I'm not actively trying to make content that people care about, I'm just getting used to writing consistently and sharing my opinions to a blank screen. The more I care about people reading my blog, the less likely I am to stick to it. Once I know that I need this thing to carry on in a productive way, while also making articles that are interesting to read, will I share it on Facebook and with family. That won't happen for a while, though.
Until then, I'm oing to enjoy this lovely work day at 10:30 and try to think about sleep. I cannot focus.
Yesterday I didn't write and I felt it. Just more reaffirming that I need to write in order to feel normal. I just didn't have the energy, I guess. I also need to study and I felt that every time I sat down to do anything I was doing the wrong thing. I still feel unprepared for this test.
I feel even MORE unprepared for my other tests coming up, which are arguably way important. But I just feel myself caring less and less about grades and tests. I want to have my days be less stressful. Not exactly a unique sentiment, I know, but it's just becoming more of a reality now that after school my life becomes so much more open ended.
I've been thinking more and more about how I want to spend my post-grad life. I know I can have a good work ethic, so It's all about working hard every day to make sure I'm working towards a goal and having fun. The weird thing is, If I want to be a performer/personality/comedian then I need to work on my brand. I have the potential to show off on everything I do, this blog for example has yet to be "announced" or advertised in any way. I have plenty of rap material that I can start making into songs, and I also have a few poems that could be recorded. I could write 3 skits a week and work for a start up entertainment company.
I want to keep doing all of these things, just writing and writing and writing. Finish my spec to show to other comedians who like the show. Make a video here and there and hope it catches fire. My resume is small for now, but the more it grows the better each piece gets better (hopefully) and I increase my value as a creative. I just gotta keep pushing.
The problem now, though, is this schoolwork. Even now, when I'm doing the one thing I feel is most important, I feel this guilt that I'm not studying and I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I need a study partner for Geography class. Maybe I just need to delegate my time better or start exercising.
Moments of stress pass through me as I write this, and it kind of sucks. Maybe I need that stress so I can get back to what's important and not fail out of school. I just want this damned test to be over with so I can get on with my life. Also, being at work doesn't make me feel too much better. I'm also super tempted to just go on Facebook and Reddit and do absolutely nothing until test time, but I know that would not make me feel good in the long run.
Backing up a bit, I've been debating whether or not I want to start sharing my blog posts. I don't think that I want to, at least not yet. I'm not actively trying to make content that people care about, I'm just getting used to writing consistently and sharing my opinions to a blank screen. The more I care about people reading my blog, the less likely I am to stick to it. Once I know that I need this thing to carry on in a productive way, while also making articles that are interesting to read, will I share it on Facebook and with family. That won't happen for a while, though.
Until then, I'm oing to enjoy this lovely work day at 10:30 and try to think about sleep. I cannot focus.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Best Freestyle rap to date
I just feel like free styling, it's been a wee while since I've appealed to the lyrics spillin deep from my soul, never again do I waste time not working towards a goal, gonna grow till I grow old.
Hope to one day put on a show, look on till acid snow passes and burns away the grasses, till the summer is infinity, till winters never limiting, till the threat of global warming is no longer forewarning its something we're just living. So I keep spitting.
Im busting with the gifts I deserve to be giving, im spinning a web of artistry, I marvel at the cost of wishing I was starring in a show the whole world knows, also, indulging in forever flow, but instead Im starving going for a door that's heavily guarded
too far and over a tar pit, its the course of obstacles, I look back at lazy days prayin on a popsicle. Where everytime that I wanted to shine I thought I had time, never a bad time, callin on land lines, listenin to sublime, I thought that the band's fine.
Even as a child I sat down to write, never forget the first fiction, I won a fight. My imagination was endless as a kid, bendin the reality of life to my wishes, it didn't get me kisses. Good thing I picked a hobby worth grabbing as a youngin, Im lucky for my lack of luggage. Its out of chance I didn't lead a life of thuggin, harmony instead of strife and struggling. I was never bothered or suffered, I had a clever father, loving mother, they cared for me, sadly, not care for each other. Because of that my comedy repertoire is buffer.
I think that rap is healthy for the mind, I'm too kind, I try but it's hard to produce true rhymes, I refuse to abuse lies, have the blues but say I'm fine. Never losing if I pursue the best line.
It's chest time! I'm not going to the gym, Theres a reason for my treason, I wanna win, but stay thin. My brothers bother me, like gains are winning the lottery. My arms are not existing to impress with heavy lifting, I intend to create gems and gold, sifting just to find the coal.
Creativity is crazy, but production? Contradicting. If it's coming from some lobe deep inside my brain, ur gonna need to probe my lower lobe to see if theres a stain, where my hidden genius is stayin, if there's a couch on which he's layin, or if he sits there watching Netflix all day, ironic if he's wastin time, maybe he writes songs to sing while sitting watching stranger things?
But now my shift is over, time to go, I didn't write too slow, but later if I'm feelin crazy ill amaze thee with my blogger flow.
Hope to one day put on a show, look on till acid snow passes and burns away the grasses, till the summer is infinity, till winters never limiting, till the threat of global warming is no longer forewarning its something we're just living. So I keep spitting.
Im busting with the gifts I deserve to be giving, im spinning a web of artistry, I marvel at the cost of wishing I was starring in a show the whole world knows, also, indulging in forever flow, but instead Im starving going for a door that's heavily guarded
too far and over a tar pit, its the course of obstacles, I look back at lazy days prayin on a popsicle. Where everytime that I wanted to shine I thought I had time, never a bad time, callin on land lines, listenin to sublime, I thought that the band's fine.
Even as a child I sat down to write, never forget the first fiction, I won a fight. My imagination was endless as a kid, bendin the reality of life to my wishes, it didn't get me kisses. Good thing I picked a hobby worth grabbing as a youngin, Im lucky for my lack of luggage. Its out of chance I didn't lead a life of thuggin, harmony instead of strife and struggling. I was never bothered or suffered, I had a clever father, loving mother, they cared for me, sadly, not care for each other. Because of that my comedy repertoire is buffer.
I think that rap is healthy for the mind, I'm too kind, I try but it's hard to produce true rhymes, I refuse to abuse lies, have the blues but say I'm fine. Never losing if I pursue the best line.
It's chest time! I'm not going to the gym, Theres a reason for my treason, I wanna win, but stay thin. My brothers bother me, like gains are winning the lottery. My arms are not existing to impress with heavy lifting, I intend to create gems and gold, sifting just to find the coal.
Creativity is crazy, but production? Contradicting. If it's coming from some lobe deep inside my brain, ur gonna need to probe my lower lobe to see if theres a stain, where my hidden genius is stayin, if there's a couch on which he's layin, or if he sits there watching Netflix all day, ironic if he's wastin time, maybe he writes songs to sing while sitting watching stranger things?
But now my shift is over, time to go, I didn't write too slow, but later if I'm feelin crazy ill amaze thee with my blogger flow.
Just Melee stuff
I've been ITCHING to get back into writing. What a great sign, huh?
I guess I'll start with this weekend. I don't remember Friday, so I don't know if that is a good sign or not. I think I just hung out and watched over the house during our social event. Nothing crazy.
Saturday was pretty eventful. I had to go to a retreat for SAAC that wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. What was originally planned to go from 11-6 ended at around 2, so I used that extra time to play a whooooollleee lot of smash bros. I think I played for about 4 hours with Dan and Justin, the two kids at SUCO right below my skill level. It was a great session, where both of them were taking games off me the whole time. Another great sign, I cannot sleep on these kids at all. Improvement all around, I love it.
Saturday night was a small social event where I introduced a game to everyone and it ended up being a lot of fun. Black out board ended up being a perfect game for that crowd, and I think it brought a bunch of people together. The night ended at a decent time, and forcing Ashley to go out ended up working out. I just can't call her a "big ol bitch" anymore without triggering her. It's an inside joke, I'm not abusive.
Sunday was a tournament day, and for the first time in forever I had to travel 2+ hours by myself for a tourney. I wanted my boy Suarez to come (who would have easily swept 64 and Smash 4, making about 100 bucks. If John's reading this then I'm proud of you for studying) but he stayed home. I went to the tournament with no anticipation, no anxiety, no judgements. I just wanted to go and play my damned best, and I took some good games. I took down Barry Blaze and sans before losing to 2Saint, a player from my hometown that just started to go to school up here. It was recorded AFAIK, and it was a hell of a set. He recognized my tilting and seized momentum really well and adapted like a true professional. Expect great things from that kid.
After I lost, I had to play my good friend Pig, who took game 1 in typical fashion. I almost 4 stocked him on FD, also in typical fashion. Game 3 he took me to yoshi's, which seems silly but I like the spirit of it. It's just too good for fox, though, and I could still play my neutral with confidence so I ended up taking that game as well. I love Pig though he's the man. Me and him is the best team ever.
After pig was goodles, who has improved considerably. He didn't show any bad habits until his last stock, and his movement/neutral was way more refined from last time. If I were to lose to goodles now I would not be upset at all.
Goodles was a 2-0, then on to Jmook. Just to give some background information, Jmook has been winning these tournaments for while now. He dominates bing, he dominates Jteg (#1 player in upstate for years) and is just overall an amazing player. Last time I played him was at Jalepeno, and I double eliminated him. This time, we had a Losers Finals set that was Bo3.
The first game he won, the next game was mine. Game three I was down 3 stocks to 1 and made a sick comeback. I didn't pop off, though. I was just focused on Grands.
But grands wasn't even noteworthy! 2Saint decides to get drunk before we play our set, and I just toss him around. He gives up game 2 of set 1, and set 1 of game 2. Ok, I'll take the extra 33 bucks in my pocket. But I wanted a real rematch...
That time will come, I'm sure I will play him all the time.
So, I got 1st place in a pretty stacked tournament. I didn't feel CRAZY accomplished, but I can't take anything away from myself. I stayed composed, I played my best, and I got some good wins. I love melee so much.
I want to write more, but I think I wrote enough as it is. I need to spend a lot of today studying for my Geography test on Thursday, and those tests are hard as hell. It's a ton of information and will just be time consuming to study for, nothing too mentally draining. So maybe I'll be back on blogger later today to talk more about melee, or whatever.
Till next time.
Words I learned to spell: I was so far off from spelling ridiculous that I just replaced it with 'silly.'
I guess I'll start with this weekend. I don't remember Friday, so I don't know if that is a good sign or not. I think I just hung out and watched over the house during our social event. Nothing crazy.
Saturday was pretty eventful. I had to go to a retreat for SAAC that wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. What was originally planned to go from 11-6 ended at around 2, so I used that extra time to play a whooooollleee lot of smash bros. I think I played for about 4 hours with Dan and Justin, the two kids at SUCO right below my skill level. It was a great session, where both of them were taking games off me the whole time. Another great sign, I cannot sleep on these kids at all. Improvement all around, I love it.
Saturday night was a small social event where I introduced a game to everyone and it ended up being a lot of fun. Black out board ended up being a perfect game for that crowd, and I think it brought a bunch of people together. The night ended at a decent time, and forcing Ashley to go out ended up working out. I just can't call her a "big ol bitch" anymore without triggering her. It's an inside joke, I'm not abusive.
Sunday was a tournament day, and for the first time in forever I had to travel 2+ hours by myself for a tourney. I wanted my boy Suarez to come (who would have easily swept 64 and Smash 4, making about 100 bucks. If John's reading this then I'm proud of you for studying) but he stayed home. I went to the tournament with no anticipation, no anxiety, no judgements. I just wanted to go and play my damned best, and I took some good games. I took down Barry Blaze and sans before losing to 2Saint, a player from my hometown that just started to go to school up here. It was recorded AFAIK, and it was a hell of a set. He recognized my tilting and seized momentum really well and adapted like a true professional. Expect great things from that kid.
After I lost, I had to play my good friend Pig, who took game 1 in typical fashion. I almost 4 stocked him on FD, also in typical fashion. Game 3 he took me to yoshi's, which seems silly but I like the spirit of it. It's just too good for fox, though, and I could still play my neutral with confidence so I ended up taking that game as well. I love Pig though he's the man. Me and him is the best team ever.
After pig was goodles, who has improved considerably. He didn't show any bad habits until his last stock, and his movement/neutral was way more refined from last time. If I were to lose to goodles now I would not be upset at all.
Goodles was a 2-0, then on to Jmook. Just to give some background information, Jmook has been winning these tournaments for while now. He dominates bing, he dominates Jteg (#1 player in upstate for years) and is just overall an amazing player. Last time I played him was at Jalepeno, and I double eliminated him. This time, we had a Losers Finals set that was Bo3.
The first game he won, the next game was mine. Game three I was down 3 stocks to 1 and made a sick comeback. I didn't pop off, though. I was just focused on Grands.
But grands wasn't even noteworthy! 2Saint decides to get drunk before we play our set, and I just toss him around. He gives up game 2 of set 1, and set 1 of game 2. Ok, I'll take the extra 33 bucks in my pocket. But I wanted a real rematch...
That time will come, I'm sure I will play him all the time.
So, I got 1st place in a pretty stacked tournament. I didn't feel CRAZY accomplished, but I can't take anything away from myself. I stayed composed, I played my best, and I got some good wins. I love melee so much.
I want to write more, but I think I wrote enough as it is. I need to spend a lot of today studying for my Geography test on Thursday, and those tests are hard as hell. It's a ton of information and will just be time consuming to study for, nothing too mentally draining. So maybe I'll be back on blogger later today to talk more about melee, or whatever.
Till next time.
Words I learned to spell: I was so far off from spelling ridiculous that I just replaced it with 'silly.'
Office hours chill.
I just put on the new Tycho album, Epoch. It's pretty great so far, at least the first song is.
I'm also doing SAAC office hours, which really is just sitting in a chair and being available, I guess. I might watch some comedians who are going to perform at NACA also, but I probably won't.
Last night was a lot of fun. SDT had a screw party so I of course went with the Ash-Masta. We didn't go downstairs for too long, and about 20 minutes after getting down there people started to leave. I felt bad for Ashley, she wanted to be the DJ but she didn't have any good songs to play so people started to leave. After everyone left, I started playing my own music and me and Ashley danced for probably half an hour. It was some of the most fun I've ever had with that girl. We have the same taste in music and that's a huge deal.
Before the party, Laugh club went over to Wilbur hall to do some improv with the residents there as a part of the RA's social event. It was definitely fun, but with no warm up and difficult games sometimes the actual improv grinded to a halt. I asked the RA if she wanted to join the club, and she seems like she wants to be a part. We might have just recruited someone, and that's pretty cool.
I also challenged Austin to a write-off because we had opposing ideas as to how a certain skit would go. The idea was that a person had his life in the balance and was sentenced to death by hanging. Before he would be hanged, there would be a game of hangman and the townspeople would guess letters in order to save his life. He wanted to make it like a game show, but I thought it would be better if it was just a game that the Mayor played before people died, or somewhat like a tradition. Every time somebody was sentenced to death, they would play a game of hangman. Maybe two people would be scheduled for that day, with the first person having a really easy word. Maybe because he had a really low level crime. Rather than that, the first person going up was a muderer, so he had an incredibly complex phrase. In just a couple of tries, the townspeople completely nail it. Then our protegonist gets on stage, is accused of grand larsony (even though he just stole a chicken), and given a 5 letter word. The townspeople start off giving decent answers, but then give gradually worse guesses until the entire hangman was made and the man dies.
I'm also doing SAAC office hours, which really is just sitting in a chair and being available, I guess. I might watch some comedians who are going to perform at NACA also, but I probably won't.
Last night was a lot of fun. SDT had a screw party so I of course went with the Ash-Masta. We didn't go downstairs for too long, and about 20 minutes after getting down there people started to leave. I felt bad for Ashley, she wanted to be the DJ but she didn't have any good songs to play so people started to leave. After everyone left, I started playing my own music and me and Ashley danced for probably half an hour. It was some of the most fun I've ever had with that girl. We have the same taste in music and that's a huge deal.
Before the party, Laugh club went over to Wilbur hall to do some improv with the residents there as a part of the RA's social event. It was definitely fun, but with no warm up and difficult games sometimes the actual improv grinded to a halt. I asked the RA if she wanted to join the club, and she seems like she wants to be a part. We might have just recruited someone, and that's pretty cool.
I also challenged Austin to a write-off because we had opposing ideas as to how a certain skit would go. The idea was that a person had his life in the balance and was sentenced to death by hanging. Before he would be hanged, there would be a game of hangman and the townspeople would guess letters in order to save his life. He wanted to make it like a game show, but I thought it would be better if it was just a game that the Mayor played before people died, or somewhat like a tradition. Every time somebody was sentenced to death, they would play a game of hangman. Maybe two people would be scheduled for that day, with the first person having a really easy word. Maybe because he had a really low level crime. Rather than that, the first person going up was a muderer, so he had an incredibly complex phrase. In just a couple of tries, the townspeople completely nail it. Then our protegonist gets on stage, is accused of grand larsony (even though he just stole a chicken), and given a 5 letter word. The townspeople start off giving decent answers, but then give gradually worse guesses until the entire hangman was made and the man dies.
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