Writing is everything

Today, while walking to work from my car, I felt a strange pang of anxiety. In the quad was a man, and around him were posters strewn about the ground. The only thing I can remember was "#Kanyeforpresident" Oh yea, I forgot to mention he was partially naked, wearing only boxer shorts. It was cold and raining.

I have no idea why I felt anxious as I went past this bizarre political display. My first instinct, with my obsession with "creative productivity," was to accredit this wave of discomfort to my lack of writing this morning. I haven't had the chance to express my own ideals, so I need to do that. Maybe I was right. As I write this, as a matter of fact, I feel any anxiety I have slowly fade away. The more I write and express myself, the less anxious I become.

Then why do I still feel, sometimes, like writing is the last thing I want to do? I understand so well that more writing = feeling better. To produce is to feel confident. It is literally the first thing I think about when I feel an inexplicable tightening in my chest. It's becoming a part of me to desire the next writing project.

According to the great Mark Cohen, "Writing is fucking hard." It definitely is. Any sort of plans to do any sort of writing garners some sort of resistance. Personal journals, I don't want to access that part of myself. Stand up, I don't want to bomb on stage. Screenwriting, I don't want to stare at a blank screen and feel the failure take over me. Rapping, I'm white. Poetry, well, poetry is dumb, right?

So here I am, again, writing in my blog. It's a bit of a safe haven for me. I can do no wrong in this area. It's not only an introduction to my day's writing, a sort of way to get my brain into gear and warm up my fingers, but it's also where I can plant myself and explore what I'm really thinking. I almost never edit these posts. It's train of thought through and through. That doesn't make for the most successful blog in the world (See my viewership on each post) but it does let me be entirely real as well as productive.

So the fact that I can come back to this blog any time I want is a good thing, right? I'm writing now and eliminating my anxiety, right?! I don't really think so. I did use this post as a way to realize what I am worried about, and now that I'm thinking about it I feel that familiar tightness in my chest yet again.

I am graduating in 7 months.

That's 7 months to set up my post-grad life. 7 months is all I get to get myself in gear to become a successful whatever. 7 months to figure out what that 'whatever' is.

As long as every day has this sort of reflection, as well as progress towards comedy writing, then I think I'll land in a good spot. I'm developing a work ethic that I'll need to convince my parents to let me pursue my dreams without taking another job, at least for a little. 7 months to train and produce and perform and fail without the pressure of real life truly setting down on me.

It's fuckin scary. And every day hardly gives any indication of my progress, so all I can do is keep pushing with my eyes closed until success taps me on the shoulder. Keep working, keep taking care of myself, and keep working. That's my mindset. That's all I can ever do.

Time to take care of some business. I'll check in next time.