Focus, focus, fucos

I feel like shit today. I've felt like shit for a month now and it's starting to wear me down.

Yesterday I didn't write and I felt it. Just more reaffirming that I need to write in order to feel normal. I just didn't have the energy, I guess. I also need to study and I felt that every time I sat down to do anything I was doing the wrong thing. I still feel unprepared for this test.

I feel even MORE unprepared for my other tests coming up, which are arguably way important. But I just feel myself caring less and less about grades and tests. I want to have my days be less stressful. Not exactly a unique sentiment, I know, but it's just becoming more of a reality now that after school my life becomes so much more open ended.

I've been thinking more and more about how I want to spend my post-grad life. I know I can have a good work ethic, so It's all about working hard every day to make sure I'm working towards a goal and having fun. The weird thing is, If I want to be a performer/personality/comedian then I need to work on my brand. I have the potential to show off on everything I do, this blog for example has yet to be "announced" or advertised in any way. I have plenty of rap material that I can start making into songs, and I also have a few poems that could be recorded. I could write 3 skits a week and work for a start up entertainment company.

I want to keep doing all of these things, just writing and writing and writing. Finish my spec to show to other comedians who like the show. Make a video here and there and hope it catches fire. My resume is small for now, but the more it grows the better each piece gets better (hopefully) and I increase my value as a creative. I just gotta keep pushing.

The problem now, though, is this schoolwork. Even now, when I'm doing the one thing I feel is most important, I feel this guilt that I'm not studying and I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I need a study partner for Geography class. Maybe I just need to delegate my time better or start exercising.

Moments of stress pass through me as I write this, and it kind of sucks. Maybe I need that stress so I can get back to what's important and not fail out of school. I just want this damned test to be over with so I can get on with my life. Also, being at work doesn't make me feel too much better. I'm also super tempted to just go on Facebook and Reddit and do absolutely nothing until test time, but I know that would not make me feel good in the long run.

Backing up a bit, I've been debating whether or not I want to start sharing my blog posts. I don't think that I want to, at least not yet. I'm not actively trying to make content that people care about, I'm just getting used to writing consistently and sharing my opinions to a blank screen. The more I care about people reading my blog, the less likely I am to stick to it. Once I know that I need this thing to carry on in a productive way, while also making articles that are interesting to read, will I share it on Facebook and with family. That won't happen for a while, though.

Until then, I'm oing to enjoy this lovely work day at 10:30 and try to think about sleep. I cannot focus.