These last few weeks of college have been... strange, to say the least. Nostalgia is everywhere, there's sadness mixed with excitement with a dash of regret. Stranger than all the emotions is the sheer speed of the days, each one melding into the next with accelerated speed. This morning, for the first time since high school, I looked at myself in the mirror in an almost meditative way. I didn't let myself stop looking until I promised that I would work harder and make the most of the opportunities I have. I saw myself, and I was scared. I was jittery and lacking confidence. I wanted to look away and distract myself immediately. I can't allow myself to do that. I need to stay the course.
Whenever I go more than a week without considerable writing or hard work I tend to go into one of two schools of thought. The first and most frequent mindset I develop is that of guilt. "I need to be working harder" or "At this pace I'll never make it". Thoughts like this fuck me up, my confidence and self esteem suffer somewhat, but they're pretty good short term motivators in getting me to work harder.
The second mindset is forgiveness. I let myself take a second to breath and pull myself together, then bank on the fact that eventually I'll make my way back to productivity and on the path to success. This mindset is easier and more fun, but overall I think it's way more dangerous. It's like being hard on myself is putting lead into gasoline and going easy is just having a big carbon footprint. It's easy to understand why harsh self-criticism can be harmful, but letting yourself off the hook and being okay with mediocrity is failing to see the problems in the future. I need to work harder, and I need to consistently remind myself that. But I can't put lead in the air, either. It's all just confusing and hard to handle.
This is the problem with a lot of artists, I think. What will motivate me to work? Love of the craft is no question, I never feel more alive than when my own ideas come to life and succeed in making people laugh. But more often than not i will occupy my time with idle games or other distractions. I choose instant gratification over a long effort to be happy. Not a unique problem by any means, but it is definitely a big deal.
But here I am now, trying again to be productive. With this road trip coming up and some strings to be tightened there is still a lot to do. This week I have no real excuse to slack off. I have an opportunity here to set myself up for success. The path i make is completely up to me. This shit is really exciting omggg
What I want to do today is write a couple of short (super short) film ideas that are smash/comedy related. Something just to get my feet wet with instagram videos. I need to start somewhere with smash skits, and a 20 second thing is way more digestible and easily produced. I can make 5 before I go back home, and release them every couple of days. The editing is the hardest part.
So let's get started. Hopefully soon there will be more fun content coming out from ya boy and we can get a foundation for this trip to thrive. Only time will tell.
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