I'm 22 and I Think I Know Everything

The sad part is, I'm almost never right.

It's a baseline attitude. An instinct. I've been taught humility my whole life, but something inside me wants to burst out and tell everyone how great I am. I really do try to keep it down, bury it inside and never let that part of me see the light of day. I feel like a catholic gay man.

I think it's a reaction to my teenage years. Everything between 5th grade and college was a never ending cycle of self doubt and humiliation. Every step of the way was another adult (parent, teacher or coach, the big three) to tell me what I was really trying to say. Correction followed correction for eight years straight. 

Then suddenly BLAM: College. And BOOM: Everyone is drunk or high all the time. People liked what I had to say, some were so fucked up that they could get therapy from a toaster. Professors respected questions and gave open-ended answers. I was getting advice from older students rather than the big three. A couple years of that, then I was a senior, and people came to me for advice. For the first time ever I had some sort of authority and knowledge that could be shared, I guess. In retrospect, It's just that everyone was goosed.

So can you really blame someone my age to act high and mighty, at least for a year or two? The college senior was a revered title since I was in elementary school, it was the peak of existence, the pinnacle of truth. There was a real feeling culminating of superiority. I had glimpses of feeling like I was the best in the world. How do you let go of that right away? The gay catholic spends a summer learning love from an older Jewish boy, then returns to the lie at home. (My mom is definitely gonna bring this gay thing up tonight)

Graduation. Pooped out into the real world. Student debt doesn't kick in for six months, lets go on a road trip. Great. You're back. Get a job, dumbass. Got a job. Cool. Why don't they respect me? Don't they know who I am?

No, you shithead, nobody knows who you are. But that's not what I was before! Didn't they see my Terps hosting gig? That was pretty good! Or my plays, I had a lead role or two! Nah bro. That was like training mode. None of that stuff really counts.

None of my current work is really going to withstand the course of time. I know that. When was the last time somebody got on a talkshow and went "Yea, this movie is great, but you should really check out my earlier work. When I was 22 I really had a great thing going. Man, if only I could be that brilliant again."

So if I could give a message to my age group, just chill the fuck out. Everything in your soul wants to come out and show the world your magical light, but you aren't ready for anyone to care. Just shut up, keep your head down, and keep working.

At least that's what \I keep hearing on podcasts. I don't really know.