I take solace in knowing 100% of artists, performers, writers, comedians, banjo players and hypnotists have been in the exact situation that I am in now. What sucks is knowing that every successful person has suffered in this sense, and that I am in no way out of that suffering. When I start to feel self-pity it leads to something like this, a somber self reflection and attempt at creative productivity. It’s really all the same stuff, now, with the rare exception that gets thrown out into the half-monster-half-internet portal for the world to view and judge and ignore. It’s a struggle, constantly shaming myself for missed opportunities while searching frantically for my bootstraps, with which I might pull myself up. It’s an expectation that feels like it comes from me, but is it really? It’s… my parents, no? Is there any such thing as truly intrinsic motivation, or have I been tricked into thinking a life of disciplined artistic endeavor is the one for me?
No, this has only been encouraged. There’s no point in time where either parent tried to push me towards comedy - just a true sense of purpose and passion. I think I found the right thing, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel that way all the time. It seems impossible to actually imagine a life for myself even a year from now. Living at home will do that to you, I suppose, but the workplace does me no favors either. Surrounded by regression, aggression, depression. Simple answers triumph over complex discussion, sounds familiar, no? Maybe our political landscape is the true root to my sporadic episodes of, well, sadness. It does me no favors to blame the powerful, overarching anxiety of this presidency, but I can’t bring myself to completely shut it out and focus on myself. That’s exactly what he wants. I have a true obligation to stay tuned, at the very least.
Maybe I need to volunteer or otherwise contribute to a political cause. Maybe that will lift this mysterious anchor from my proverbial ankle. The logistics of everyday life impede that, though, and right now I have a great opportunity at my fingertips - wasting that would be a painful regret no doubt. Maybe I need to start meditating again, yea, that’s worth a shot for sure. I am closing in on a great morning routine - but tuesdays have become a consistent disappointment in terms of health and productivity. I’m going to skip next monday’s tournaments and see how I feel. Man, what do I do?
This is hardly a letter of urgency, actually, it’s not a letter at all. Shit, maybe it is a letter. It looks like a letter. Nowadays I feel confident in myself and my work, in my progression and my future. The problem, I guess, is just inexperience. If I truly trust myself and the process, why do I feel anxiety now? Can I not place faith in my developing habits and semblance of talent? Can I bring myself to post this *~*truly*~* personal self reflection as opposed to producing a typical one - a truth-filtered concoction of boredom and caffeine. It would take guts, I give myself that.
There is value in these posts - both short and long term. That sentence is a lie, or at least the conviction behind it is. I have no idea if this post has any value at all, in any point in the future. It does have value in this exact moment, though. I have succeeded in curbing this weird, unorthodox, self-inflicted pain - at least temporarily. For the moment, I have absolutely no desire in slowing down or ending this post. I feel like I could go on forever. Maybe this is what I really needed, this exact thing right now is the most important thing in the universe.
You know, in a way I actually believe that. All we have is this moment, and all I have in this moment is a loud earful of Radiohead, dutifully drowning out the insane and indescribable distractions of my office, along with the words at my desk. --- Between that section and this sentence now, I was brought into a conversation with a coworker. It was pleasant, though, not the typical story of what goes on around here. I will never share that online, these stories are gifts so precious that I repeat them rarely, albeit powerfully, and only to close friends and family. If you are interested in some crazy office stories, I recommend you press me on how I’m liking my job. I promise it won’t disappoint.
I’ll be honest, this is really teetering on the edge of writings I post and do not post. Right now I’m not sure if these words will actually be read, a line I rarely cross, and for good reason. I don’t want my free writes to be subjected to the same scrutiny and inhibition as my deliberate attempts to open up to (Facebook) friends and family. Man, what the hell do I get myself into.
Screw it, I’ll post.
But I don’t want to stop, there’s a mild mania going on right now that I don’t want to quench - a result of my recent lack of expression. I’m going to pivot now, try to produce a piece of comedy and actually provide for the company that sponsored the last 45 minutes of my life. I hope to hide this forever from my coworkers, but, as with every piece of writing or content I put into the world, I know it’s a matter of time before it leaks out. Oh well.
Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Sometimes, with these, my brain just spills.
There should be no thoughts before you start. Maybe an idea will cross your mind - scratch that, you will have plenty. Don't try to lock those down, you arn't prepared. The only thoughts worth saving come with a pen in your hand, keyboard at your fingertips, voice recorder turned on. These are my rules, the only thing that keeps me sane now. "It will come" I tell myself, "Don't worry about these." Now, just because I remind myself of these good habits doesn't mean I don't go crazy.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Never a Sprint Ft. Terry Cruise
Nothing like a rainy day to start typing whatever comes to my head. I got the gunk out with the last post, now I get to actually figure out what I'm thinking.
Scratch that, I never know what I'm thinking.
I know what I'm looking at, though. I'm enjoying a rare opportunity to hang with my Sister, her husband, and their baby. They live Australia if you believe that. Even if you don't believe that, they still live there. They are here for a month, and it's nice to see my nephew.
Back to ME. I need to focus on production. I say this over and over again... that's just the stage that I'm at. I have scattered knowledge and experience on how to make videos, but pulling it all together seems insurmountable. You know those rock climbing walls with colored handles jutting out all over the place? Right now production feels like one of those walls without any color. The moves and options all blend into the background, and once I set off there's no telling if I made the right decision. It's scary, frustrating, and in all honestly a little bit dull.
The amount of leg work that goes into this documentary, for example (yes it's still being made) feels more like exercise than fulfilling creative expression. I wouldn't mind if I had the time to do it. This is where I could launch into complaints, but I know that I'm in a good spot so I won't...yet.
A couple months ago I wrote that I was in a transition phase, and now that phase is just about over. There might be some changes in the next few weeks (crossing fingers for a raise, don't share this with coworkers) but all in all this is a period for biding time and developing habits. Footnote: My father just read that and got so excited he's doing jumping jacks in his chair. Stand up dad, they get easier that way.
This mentality is the only one I can stick to right now. I feel that a lot of my creative oriented peers feel the pressure to make moves and take risks, not realizing how much time they actually have. My biggest fear right now isn't that I'm going to miss my chance, it's that I'm going to get antsy and start sprinting when I'm miles from the goal. Slow and steady wins the race is what I'm trying to say. With that philosophy, the best thing I can do right now is to get my steady to be pretty damn fast. Does that make any sense?
Let me break it down the way I think of it, like a video game. Let's say you're playing a game where your character starts at level 1 and you get stronger and stronger as time goes on. You play a bit, then hit level 2. Ding! Gratz. Now you are presented with a choice. You can choose +1 to all your stats, or you can skip that boost so that future level ups will be +2. You might be down one, but when you hit level 3 (ding gratz) you now catch up to the point you would have been. I've lost the older crowd, but really try to follow this. This is seriously how my mind thinks.
Also, Mom and Dad, you were complicit in my World of Warcraft days. You are 100% to blame. Thank you.
Right now I'm trying to make decisions that will allow me to improve faster. To put it in realistic terms, it's the habit building I mentioned before. If you really want a better picture, watch the video on Terry Cruise's day to day schedule. He wakes up at 4:30, works out intensely, takes a whole arsenal of supplements, and by the time 8am comes around he is ready to tackle the day. Now, I'm not saying that I need to copy this standard of living, but you can't try and tell me there's a healthier schedule than that. That is the shining beacon of "productive creativity".
So that's where I land. I can't see any sort of "big break" on the horizon, nor am I looking for one. I just gotta keep chugging along, making steady improvements and leveling up. There's no way to fail this way, right? Man I'm afraid of failing. But that's for a different post.
Another long one, thanks for reading. Also, if you are looking to collaborate with anything production related give me a call.
Scratch that, I never know what I'm thinking.
I know what I'm looking at, though. I'm enjoying a rare opportunity to hang with my Sister, her husband, and their baby. They live Australia if you believe that. Even if you don't believe that, they still live there. They are here for a month, and it's nice to see my nephew.
Back to ME. I need to focus on production. I say this over and over again... that's just the stage that I'm at. I have scattered knowledge and experience on how to make videos, but pulling it all together seems insurmountable. You know those rock climbing walls with colored handles jutting out all over the place? Right now production feels like one of those walls without any color. The moves and options all blend into the background, and once I set off there's no telling if I made the right decision. It's scary, frustrating, and in all honestly a little bit dull.
The amount of leg work that goes into this documentary, for example (yes it's still being made) feels more like exercise than fulfilling creative expression. I wouldn't mind if I had the time to do it. This is where I could launch into complaints, but I know that I'm in a good spot so I won't...yet.
A couple months ago I wrote that I was in a transition phase, and now that phase is just about over. There might be some changes in the next few weeks (crossing fingers for a raise, don't share this with coworkers) but all in all this is a period for biding time and developing habits. Footnote: My father just read that and got so excited he's doing jumping jacks in his chair. Stand up dad, they get easier that way.
This mentality is the only one I can stick to right now. I feel that a lot of my creative oriented peers feel the pressure to make moves and take risks, not realizing how much time they actually have. My biggest fear right now isn't that I'm going to miss my chance, it's that I'm going to get antsy and start sprinting when I'm miles from the goal. Slow and steady wins the race is what I'm trying to say. With that philosophy, the best thing I can do right now is to get my steady to be pretty damn fast. Does that make any sense?
Let me break it down the way I think of it, like a video game. Let's say you're playing a game where your character starts at level 1 and you get stronger and stronger as time goes on. You play a bit, then hit level 2. Ding! Gratz. Now you are presented with a choice. You can choose +1 to all your stats, or you can skip that boost so that future level ups will be +2. You might be down one, but when you hit level 3 (ding gratz) you now catch up to the point you would have been. I've lost the older crowd, but really try to follow this. This is seriously how my mind thinks.
Also, Mom and Dad, you were complicit in my World of Warcraft days. You are 100% to blame. Thank you.
Right now I'm trying to make decisions that will allow me to improve faster. To put it in realistic terms, it's the habit building I mentioned before. If you really want a better picture, watch the video on Terry Cruise's day to day schedule. He wakes up at 4:30, works out intensely, takes a whole arsenal of supplements, and by the time 8am comes around he is ready to tackle the day. Now, I'm not saying that I need to copy this standard of living, but you can't try and tell me there's a healthier schedule than that. That is the shining beacon of "productive creativity".
So that's where I land. I can't see any sort of "big break" on the horizon, nor am I looking for one. I just gotta keep chugging along, making steady improvements and leveling up. There's no way to fail this way, right? Man I'm afraid of failing. But that's for a different post.
Another long one, thanks for reading. Also, if you are looking to collaborate with anything production related give me a call.
Monday, June 25, 2018
I should do this more often..
Writing comedy is hard. I think everyone gets that. For a while, I figured that the hardest part of comedy writing was the writing part, ie. sitting down and doing the work. For the last couple of years now that's been my primary focus. Close to an obsession, really.
I think it's been going pretty well. I've developed a solid habit of writing, mostly on paper in my journal. That's not comedy! It's just feelings! Not the good type of feelings either, like poetry or something. Actually, I take that back. Poetry is definitely not the good type of feelings.
I haven't written a blog in a while, which is kind of on purpose. A lot of factors come into play as to why, but essentially things come up. Family is in town, some weeks I go into work early. Internally, though, I just haven't felt the need. Until now, I guess, I just didn't want to express myself to the world ("world" used loosely) since it changes what I say. But that's the whole point of comedy, man. I gotta get used to that.
It's really crazy to think of how different these are to my journal entries, and how similar they are. It's all because of the fundamental difference of people seeing it. I know from the start that these words can be read by somebody, so everything that comes after is a reflection of that. See, at this point I feel obligated to make a joke... the timing just feels right for it. In a journal, I don't give a shit. Who am I trying to impress? I'm not even gonna read it.
What I usually say in my private thoughts, though, is more uplifting than anything I've ever shared in public. That seems counterintuitive, right? I've never thought of that before, but that's exactly what happens. I encourage myself in my journals. I really try to take stock of the good things that are going on, as well as point out and forgive my shortcomings. It seems healthy, and honestly it's important. I try not to skip more than a weekend of writing, since it becomes so easy to absolutely fall apart and hard to get back on the horse. I call it "creative inertia." Most people call it "Anxiety."
So yea, writing is important. Why is it that writing these posts feels less important? Or, rather, that I tend to do it less often? These words are infinitely more valuable, no? At least in the common understanding of value, like monetizable value. Don't get me wrong, I'm a far ways from making a penny on this. If I hold the goal of having a creative job, though, is it not true that public work brings me closer to my goal? The only way it doesn't is if it's bad, but how can I tell if it's bad? There's no way besides my own taste, and my own taste says that it's good enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that fear is stopping me. I shy away from the work because of fear. I fear editing my long awaited documentary, I fear the process of writing and recording sketches.
No, that's not entirely true. I have a hint of fear, no doubt, but they are not impeding my goals. Life is far more complicated than that. It would be a huge disservice if I let myself end a post with an impartial reflection. Fear does not control me. It's definitely there. A bigger part of this is my schedule, and it has been a focus of mine for a few weeks now.
This is going long, great. If you're bored than I don't really care. This is more for me at this point. If you're really still reading then I applaud you, mom and dad. It's only my parents reading passed this paragraph anyway. Everyone else, you can call it a day.
Schedule, right. I've realized that I am totally incapable of writing, editing, or generally working creatively after a certain point in the day. That point usually comes around 3pm or so. Yes, if I really need to I can chug a red bull and pull an all nighter, what else is college meant to teach me? Regardless of what's possible, I've began to understand when my best time is for creative work, and that's in the early morning. So, I've been working on waking up earlier and earlier so I have more time in the mornings to get stuff done. That's my only goal for the next few weeks.
Now I look back and realize that I didn't need to share any of that. Who cares. I'm not late to work this time and that's a cool thing.
Thank you for reading this far. It really means a lot.
I think it's been going pretty well. I've developed a solid habit of writing, mostly on paper in my journal. That's not comedy! It's just feelings! Not the good type of feelings either, like poetry or something. Actually, I take that back. Poetry is definitely not the good type of feelings.
I haven't written a blog in a while, which is kind of on purpose. A lot of factors come into play as to why, but essentially things come up. Family is in town, some weeks I go into work early. Internally, though, I just haven't felt the need. Until now, I guess, I just didn't want to express myself to the world ("world" used loosely) since it changes what I say. But that's the whole point of comedy, man. I gotta get used to that.
It's really crazy to think of how different these are to my journal entries, and how similar they are. It's all because of the fundamental difference of people seeing it. I know from the start that these words can be read by somebody, so everything that comes after is a reflection of that. See, at this point I feel obligated to make a joke... the timing just feels right for it. In a journal, I don't give a shit. Who am I trying to impress? I'm not even gonna read it.
What I usually say in my private thoughts, though, is more uplifting than anything I've ever shared in public. That seems counterintuitive, right? I've never thought of that before, but that's exactly what happens. I encourage myself in my journals. I really try to take stock of the good things that are going on, as well as point out and forgive my shortcomings. It seems healthy, and honestly it's important. I try not to skip more than a weekend of writing, since it becomes so easy to absolutely fall apart and hard to get back on the horse. I call it "creative inertia." Most people call it "Anxiety."
So yea, writing is important. Why is it that writing these posts feels less important? Or, rather, that I tend to do it less often? These words are infinitely more valuable, no? At least in the common understanding of value, like monetizable value. Don't get me wrong, I'm a far ways from making a penny on this. If I hold the goal of having a creative job, though, is it not true that public work brings me closer to my goal? The only way it doesn't is if it's bad, but how can I tell if it's bad? There's no way besides my own taste, and my own taste says that it's good enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that fear is stopping me. I shy away from the work because of fear. I fear editing my long awaited documentary, I fear the process of writing and recording sketches.
No, that's not entirely true. I have a hint of fear, no doubt, but they are not impeding my goals. Life is far more complicated than that. It would be a huge disservice if I let myself end a post with an impartial reflection. Fear does not control me. It's definitely there. A bigger part of this is my schedule, and it has been a focus of mine for a few weeks now.
This is going long, great. If you're bored than I don't really care. This is more for me at this point. If you're really still reading then I applaud you, mom and dad. It's only my parents reading passed this paragraph anyway. Everyone else, you can call it a day.
Schedule, right. I've realized that I am totally incapable of writing, editing, or generally working creatively after a certain point in the day. That point usually comes around 3pm or so. Yes, if I really need to I can chug a red bull and pull an all nighter, what else is college meant to teach me? Regardless of what's possible, I've began to understand when my best time is for creative work, and that's in the early morning. So, I've been working on waking up earlier and earlier so I have more time in the mornings to get stuff done. That's my only goal for the next few weeks.
Now I look back and realize that I didn't need to share any of that. Who cares. I'm not late to work this time and that's a cool thing.
Thank you for reading this far. It really means a lot.
Friday, April 27, 2018
Learning From Ego
I should probably give an update. After the near-manic episode I had, I should let people know that I have not kept that pace all week. We have a tendency to let the last impression of somebody be their whole identity from then on, no? I still had a great week with my new job, but I’m not bouncing up and down at my desk all day. I still do a lot of monotonous work.
A coworker finally got his way into my facebook, then read my blog, then approached me about it. He goes “You weren’t having fun at your job?” And I told him “Hell no.”
“Oh, too bad” he said, before smiling and going back to his desk. Creepy dude. Hey Sam.
I’ve complained before about having a limited amount of time that I can enjoy good news. I’m getting a little bit of that now, in a way. As I take a leap towards what I want to do I, see the path more clearly. Landing on my feet on Monday and hitting the ground running was like a rush of adrenaline. I actually had trouble sleeping Monday night, because I had just a killer day. Did I mention I won a tournament that day, too? From losers. Check out the bracket if you care to.
So I’m in the after area, the “what now” zone. I’ve been here before, many times. But I didn’t just have a good day, or a good tournament. I had gained new responsibilities that lets me work towards something cool. It’s a huge shift that affects my mood all day, and that takes some getting used to. But it’s obviously good. I’m still in a very good place.
The strange part is how far I still need to go. Every time I achieve something it feels like the beginning of another path. Is that healthy? Should I be proud of how far I’ve come already? I’d say the former is more productive, but the ladder seems more fun. The ladder brings me to a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while, and that’s ego.
A coworker finally got his way into my facebook, then read my blog, then approached me about it. He goes “You weren’t having fun at your job?” And I told him “Hell no.”
“Oh, too bad” he said, before smiling and going back to his desk. Creepy dude. Hey Sam.
I’ve complained before about having a limited amount of time that I can enjoy good news. I’m getting a little bit of that now, in a way. As I take a leap towards what I want to do I, see the path more clearly. Landing on my feet on Monday and hitting the ground running was like a rush of adrenaline. I actually had trouble sleeping Monday night, because I had just a killer day. Did I mention I won a tournament that day, too? From losers. Check out the bracket if you care to.
So I’m in the after area, the “what now” zone. I’ve been here before, many times. But I didn’t just have a good day, or a good tournament. I had gained new responsibilities that lets me work towards something cool. It’s a huge shift that affects my mood all day, and that takes some getting used to. But it’s obviously good. I’m still in a very good place.
The strange part is how far I still need to go. Every time I achieve something it feels like the beginning of another path. Is that healthy? Should I be proud of how far I’ve come already? I’d say the former is more productive, but the ladder seems more fun. The ladder brings me to a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while, and that’s ego.
What an annoying thing to read about, I know. ‘Ugh, you have an ego? Here, let me put a nice warm blanket on you. What a true survivor.’
Ego isn’t a good thing. It never has been, for me. It sits on top of my head and points out the good things I do, all day every day. A healthy ego is one that lets you nod along and go about your life, acknowledging success without becoming a dick. A strong ego keeps you looking at the good stuff a little bit longer than you planned. An out of control ego tells you to pick up the good stuff and start showing it to people at parties.
I understand egotistical people, I really do. A lot of time it’s a counterpart to their insecurities, but I’m not really breaking psychological ground here, am I? Comedians need a strong ego to have good stage presence, but I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about learning from my own mistakes, massive mistakes, that I’ve done as a result of ego. I don’t want it to happen again.
Look, I’m delving into some shit here. I’m not going into depth about some of my deepest regrets, okay? Just know that they were plentiful, memorable, and in both high school and college. Remember college? Like, less than a year ago? So, yea, I’m still prone to let it grow and really affect me. And it’s all rooted in insecurity, no doubt.
When I have good streaks I let it permeate through everything I have. I take moments to stop and absorb, just take stock of the beauty and hope and joy. I do this little thing where I laugh-cry, a short jolt of laughing and choking up for 3-5 seconds. Here’s the problem, though. Just like adrenaline, that feeling is fleeting. So I look for more, and now. After a few days of that, I’m just grasping at straws, or making huge decisions because I think I can handle it. I can handle everything! I’m unstoppable! We all know what happens after that. SPLAT.
I’m not unfamiliar with depression, and having ego fall on its face is a great time to go there. I’m not just fighting off the urge to brag, I’m fighting off the inevitable backlash of a lengthy ego binge. I can have ups, but I need to find my way back to ground. As the saying goes, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” Actually, I’m not sure if I’m using that right. Oh well.
That’s all I got. Just to plug something, I’ll be commentating the last Nebulous Apollo series tournament! I’ll be on for top 32-8 singles and top 8 of doubles! A pretty great opportunity, if you ask me. Check in tomorrow at twitch.tv/nebulousnyc where I won’t be playing, but you’ll hear my voice.
Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!
Ego isn’t a good thing. It never has been, for me. It sits on top of my head and points out the good things I do, all day every day. A healthy ego is one that lets you nod along and go about your life, acknowledging success without becoming a dick. A strong ego keeps you looking at the good stuff a little bit longer than you planned. An out of control ego tells you to pick up the good stuff and start showing it to people at parties.
I understand egotistical people, I really do. A lot of time it’s a counterpart to their insecurities, but I’m not really breaking psychological ground here, am I? Comedians need a strong ego to have good stage presence, but I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about learning from my own mistakes, massive mistakes, that I’ve done as a result of ego. I don’t want it to happen again.
Look, I’m delving into some shit here. I’m not going into depth about some of my deepest regrets, okay? Just know that they were plentiful, memorable, and in both high school and college. Remember college? Like, less than a year ago? So, yea, I’m still prone to let it grow and really affect me. And it’s all rooted in insecurity, no doubt.
When I have good streaks I let it permeate through everything I have. I take moments to stop and absorb, just take stock of the beauty and hope and joy. I do this little thing where I laugh-cry, a short jolt of laughing and choking up for 3-5 seconds. Here’s the problem, though. Just like adrenaline, that feeling is fleeting. So I look for more, and now. After a few days of that, I’m just grasping at straws, or making huge decisions because I think I can handle it. I can handle everything! I’m unstoppable! We all know what happens after that. SPLAT.
I’m not unfamiliar with depression, and having ego fall on its face is a great time to go there. I’m not just fighting off the urge to brag, I’m fighting off the inevitable backlash of a lengthy ego binge. I can have ups, but I need to find my way back to ground. As the saying goes, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” Actually, I’m not sure if I’m using that right. Oh well.
That’s all I got. Just to plug something, I’ll be commentating the last Nebulous Apollo series tournament! I’ll be on for top 32-8 singles and top 8 of doubles! A pretty great opportunity, if you ask me. Check in tomorrow at twitch.tv/nebulousnyc where I won’t be playing, but you’ll hear my voice.
Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!
Monday, April 23, 2018
I Get A Bit Dramatic About A 'Promotion'
And just like that, I absolutely love my job. Wow.
Most people would tweet this and that'd be it. I, however, am just self indulgent enough to blog about it.
*Note - sitting at the job that I'm currently raving about.*
I have no idea what I've said on this page, so I'll just do a quick recap. I've been working at an Amazon redistributor as a data entry/junior affiliate for seven months now. Due to the lack of creativity, and abundance of monotony, I've felt a little run down lately. It might have something to do with how long this winter lasted, it being my first year out of college, or 22 other reasons. Today though, man. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time.
Lately my company has been trying to break away from Amazon and start their own website. Around that time I made a big decision. I approached my boss and told him what was on my mind. We spoke for a long time. We talked about how I wasn't content with my current role, how it had nothing to do with payment or compensation, and how I would be a big asset to something creative like building a website. He heard me -- He's always great with hearing me out, seriously -- and he put me on the job of ... well, helping. But it was a start.
Over the next few weeks I would diversify my working experience dramatically. I went to my first business meeting at my bosses friend's office, taking notes like a good little helper, and I learned a ton about eCommerce and website building. I was given a small budget and tasked with creating a business card via Fiverr.com. And, most importantly, I was told to research other similar companies and see what I could learn. This lead me to discover the importance of Business Blogging.
When that happened I felt like the sun came out for the first time in months, a small ray making its way 93 million miles just to fill me with hope. But this was a different hope than I've ever felt before. I didn't find an end goal, a dreamy circumstance of ultimate success, but the beginning of a path, on which I've never stepped foot. It was short burst. I raised my head up, felt the sun, then went right back down and got to work. It's trippy, thinking about the one photon that fought it's way from the bubbling star, from lava and combustion, that hit me at the exact moment I felt my career path shift. It didn't just fight, it battled. It was a war, from a star, that gave me A New Hope.
Im the greateest writer in the world
So I put my best foot forward and worked my ass off to make this blog a reality. I needed to make this blog the right way, I need to make it successful, Ah! This is so exciting! What am I doing? What, huh? It was coming together right in front of me, stumbling, scattered, when I had another crazy photon or whatever I said before.
I was gonna make it a comedy blog. Yes! Of course!
Now, I'm not selling you on this idea, because I already know that it's fucking amazing. My boss thought so, too. We sell health and beauty products, but we aren't health or beauty experts. Dietitians are expensive to hire, comedians are cheap and just looking for work. If you're reading this and agreed to write for me, I do not apologize. Know what you are. An alternative.
Sorry, nah, it's actually a dream job for me. Absolute dream scenario. Working with other writers to develop original comedy content? As a day job?! I don't drop my main responsibilities, which is fine with me because I'm good at those by now, but now I get to spend work time being a comedy writer. I'm a professional comedy writer.
I've been getting emotional all day, and it's not even lunch. Do I get emotional at lunch a lot? I'm so incredibly excited to come to work now. I feel pride that I've kept a sort of effort to take advantage of this opportunity, and I feel completely prepared to try at this and start getting better. Cause that's still where I'm at. The beginning of the path.
Ok, I'm still at work, but this needed to come out before I get back to, you know, being a goddamn content manager. If you got this far and are interested in comedy writing, please send me an email at Jessegardner7@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook. I have a budget, and I can pay writers!
Thanks for reading.
Things I learned: How far away the sun is, trippy isn't recognized by spell check
Most people would tweet this and that'd be it. I, however, am just self indulgent enough to blog about it.
*Note - sitting at the job that I'm currently raving about.*
I have no idea what I've said on this page, so I'll just do a quick recap. I've been working at an Amazon redistributor as a data entry/junior affiliate for seven months now. Due to the lack of creativity, and abundance of monotony, I've felt a little run down lately. It might have something to do with how long this winter lasted, it being my first year out of college, or 22 other reasons. Today though, man. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time.
Lately my company has been trying to break away from Amazon and start their own website. Around that time I made a big decision. I approached my boss and told him what was on my mind. We spoke for a long time. We talked about how I wasn't content with my current role, how it had nothing to do with payment or compensation, and how I would be a big asset to something creative like building a website. He heard me -- He's always great with hearing me out, seriously -- and he put me on the job of ... well, helping. But it was a start.
Over the next few weeks I would diversify my working experience dramatically. I went to my first business meeting at my bosses friend's office, taking notes like a good little helper, and I learned a ton about eCommerce and website building. I was given a small budget and tasked with creating a business card via Fiverr.com. And, most importantly, I was told to research other similar companies and see what I could learn. This lead me to discover the importance of Business Blogging.
When that happened I felt like the sun came out for the first time in months, a small ray making its way 93 million miles just to fill me with hope. But this was a different hope than I've ever felt before. I didn't find an end goal, a dreamy circumstance of ultimate success, but the beginning of a path, on which I've never stepped foot. It was short burst. I raised my head up, felt the sun, then went right back down and got to work. It's trippy, thinking about the one photon that fought it's way from the bubbling star, from lava and combustion, that hit me at the exact moment I felt my career path shift. It didn't just fight, it battled. It was a war, from a star, that gave me A New Hope.
Im the greateest writer in the world
So I put my best foot forward and worked my ass off to make this blog a reality. I needed to make this blog the right way, I need to make it successful, Ah! This is so exciting! What am I doing? What, huh? It was coming together right in front of me, stumbling, scattered, when I had another crazy photon or whatever I said before.
I was gonna make it a comedy blog. Yes! Of course!
Now, I'm not selling you on this idea, because I already know that it's fucking amazing. My boss thought so, too. We sell health and beauty products, but we aren't health or beauty experts. Dietitians are expensive to hire, comedians are cheap and just looking for work. If you're reading this and agreed to write for me, I do not apologize. Know what you are. An alternative.
Sorry, nah, it's actually a dream job for me. Absolute dream scenario. Working with other writers to develop original comedy content? As a day job?! I don't drop my main responsibilities, which is fine with me because I'm good at those by now, but now I get to spend work time being a comedy writer. I'm a professional comedy writer.
I've been getting emotional all day, and it's not even lunch. Do I get emotional at lunch a lot? I'm so incredibly excited to come to work now. I feel pride that I've kept a sort of effort to take advantage of this opportunity, and I feel completely prepared to try at this and start getting better. Cause that's still where I'm at. The beginning of the path.
Ok, I'm still at work, but this needed to come out before I get back to, you know, being a goddamn content manager. If you got this far and are interested in comedy writing, please send me an email at Jessegardner7@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook. I have a budget, and I can pay writers!
Thanks for reading.
Things I learned: How far away the sun is, trippy isn't recognized by spell check
Monday, April 2, 2018
Woohoo! A week off! *Starts Crying*
I have this week off for Passover. The whole week. Add last Friday, that's a whole ten days off work. Ten! An aspiring writer like myself should be thrilled to have this much free time. I would say I mostly am. But I'm also terrified. I've been in this situation before. I've actually written about this situation before (See: "Perfect Week." And the next post: "Perfect Week? No such thing.")
I know how it feels to drop the ball with this sort of potential. It's a crappy feeling. A lot of the time it'll happen because I think too big. If I take two minutes to dream about the possibilities I suddenly have 40,000 YouTube subscribers, 35 agents fighting over me and a Netflix special. This is all in my head, of course. In reality, forty extra hours to work on my craft is amazing and terrifying and everything and nothing. There's no guide here. All I have to go off is my own experience, which is jack shit. That's not true, exactly. I've gotten in a groove before. But now is different. Because it's now.
What the hell is this rambling, you might ask? It's exactly what I'm up against. This upcoming week is free form, it's improvised, it's a magnificent void. It's what I've been hoping to create as my life, really. I want to have the whole day to have to myself, to wrap myself in a cocoon of half-baked ideas and tolerable anxiety until I've created something that people may or may not like. Side note: This is a terrible pitch to be an artist.
I've taken a vow to stop telling people what projects I'm working on until it's done. So far, it's so-so by far. I will say that I have tons of ideas, but very few actual project ideas. I have a few in the works. I might need to finish those before moving on to other things. "Obviously!" Everyone reading this says at the same time. I say it to myself too. But I feel like I need to move forward with everything simultaneously.
Do I come off as a mess yet? I probably should. I don't want to come off like I'm miserable, or lost, or like I'm spiraling. In reality I'm having a pretty solid day. But nothing will fill this time-void perfectly. I can say without a doubt that I will never use my time perfectly ever for the rest of my life. Still feels pessimistic, huh? I'm really not trying to go there. It's just a technicality that makes me feel better. Nobody is perfect, nobody can be perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. Read that again and take a deep breath. It makes me feel good. It might send you into a panic.
I probably should have set a thesis for this post. Or at least a tone. None of that, no, I don't care if anyone likes this. The reality is, I have a lot more free time this week and I'm trying to use it wisely. I want to look back on Sunday night and feel like I did a lot. Not that I was perfect. But that I used my time off in a way that fast forwarded my progress. I feel like I'm playing Mario kart and I have a golden mushroom this week instead of a red one. I can use that golden sucker as many times as I want, and get a speed boost every time. Or I can use it twice, get complacent, and eventually have it disappear while I'm still in 3rd. I lost my older audience. Sorry Mom. And sorry again for saying you're part of my older audience.
I'm not going to say that I'm gonna write in this blog a lot this week, (See: two paragraphs before) but I feel like I'll end up doing just that. Who knows, I enjoy this a lot, maybe I can start considering this whole thing as a possible side-gig. God, there really is no thesis to this. I gotta start doing those.
Thanks for hanging in there if you kept on reading. If you're a fan of these posts, send me 500 dollars a week and I can start doing them full time. Otherwise, you're dead to me.
I know how it feels to drop the ball with this sort of potential. It's a crappy feeling. A lot of the time it'll happen because I think too big. If I take two minutes to dream about the possibilities I suddenly have 40,000 YouTube subscribers, 35 agents fighting over me and a Netflix special. This is all in my head, of course. In reality, forty extra hours to work on my craft is amazing and terrifying and everything and nothing. There's no guide here. All I have to go off is my own experience, which is jack shit. That's not true, exactly. I've gotten in a groove before. But now is different. Because it's now.
What the hell is this rambling, you might ask? It's exactly what I'm up against. This upcoming week is free form, it's improvised, it's a magnificent void. It's what I've been hoping to create as my life, really. I want to have the whole day to have to myself, to wrap myself in a cocoon of half-baked ideas and tolerable anxiety until I've created something that people may or may not like. Side note: This is a terrible pitch to be an artist.
I've taken a vow to stop telling people what projects I'm working on until it's done. So far, it's so-so by far. I will say that I have tons of ideas, but very few actual project ideas. I have a few in the works. I might need to finish those before moving on to other things. "Obviously!" Everyone reading this says at the same time. I say it to myself too. But I feel like I need to move forward with everything simultaneously.
Do I come off as a mess yet? I probably should. I don't want to come off like I'm miserable, or lost, or like I'm spiraling. In reality I'm having a pretty solid day. But nothing will fill this time-void perfectly. I can say without a doubt that I will never use my time perfectly ever for the rest of my life. Still feels pessimistic, huh? I'm really not trying to go there. It's just a technicality that makes me feel better. Nobody is perfect, nobody can be perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. Read that again and take a deep breath. It makes me feel good. It might send you into a panic.
I probably should have set a thesis for this post. Or at least a tone. None of that, no, I don't care if anyone likes this. The reality is, I have a lot more free time this week and I'm trying to use it wisely. I want to look back on Sunday night and feel like I did a lot. Not that I was perfect. But that I used my time off in a way that fast forwarded my progress. I feel like I'm playing Mario kart and I have a golden mushroom this week instead of a red one. I can use that golden sucker as many times as I want, and get a speed boost every time. Or I can use it twice, get complacent, and eventually have it disappear while I'm still in 3rd. I lost my older audience. Sorry Mom. And sorry again for saying you're part of my older audience.
I'm not going to say that I'm gonna write in this blog a lot this week, (See: two paragraphs before) but I feel like I'll end up doing just that. Who knows, I enjoy this a lot, maybe I can start considering this whole thing as a possible side-gig. God, there really is no thesis to this. I gotta start doing those.
Thanks for hanging in there if you kept on reading. If you're a fan of these posts, send me 500 dollars a week and I can start doing them full time. Otherwise, you're dead to me.
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