I only have about 25 minutes for this one. Usually I'd give it up, but for some reason I feel it's important to document where I'm at.
Yesterday I was unbridled, taking on the day like an ocean wave. It roughed me up, but I stood my ground, and battered and bruised I was able to sleep at night like a baby. That metaphor didn't really hold up, did it?
attempt #2
Yesterday I had a headache, but I still did some shit. The couch didn't come. I did grocery shopping online. I tried streaming until I realized that my cheap internet wouldn't cut it. The writing I did was what I was most proud of.
So, alright. A day off didn't go so bad. Now it's time for a day..on? A day where I actually work. This is the real meat and potatoes.
Limitations can be good for creativity. Not sure where I read that, but I did, and I believe it whole hardheartedly. The only reliable and consistent way for me to stay creative is to write every day, rain or shine, unexpected holiday or not. I've discovered this before, this isn't some big epiphany, but now that I have my own place, can put my computer and my games and all my shit exactly where I want, where I can cook at 11:30pm if I so choose, where I can look up from my screen and see real daylight, this is when I can get into a rhythm. I feel it sneaking up, and now that I'm making an effort to put in my 25 minutes because I know it's better than 0 I feel okay.
Again I'm onto this centrifuge blogging style. Always happens, every time. I'll find a way out I'm sure, it just takes a few times. I just need to lock onto a subject and I'll be good.
Oh, okay, I'll talk about my new hobby. There's no real name for it, but it's finding free stuff on craigslist and selling it on Facebook Marketplace. I'll call it Craigsbook Faceplacing. Or Facelisting. Craig's Market? I'll settle on one later.
Anyway, It's a Gary Vaynerchuck thing through and through. I've mentioned him before (I really like the guy) and he keeps talking about the money that can be made by just picking up the free shit all over craigslist and selling it. Simple as that. With this new apartment I have the room, and with the new rent to pay I have the ambition. I picked up my first box of stuff yesterday, and am about to make a sale on a painting that I literally found next to my trashcan. Someone's gonna buy it for $30. Thirty bucks! Literal garbage is about to pay my lunch for the week. You can't tell me that's not pretty cool.
And just like that, I'm hooked. At least for a bit, who knows if I'll get discouraged or waste my time or get mugged. The world is crazy like that, but as a six foot tall guy I think I'll come out alright. And with a few extra dollars in my pocket I can afford to go my favorite weekend events in the world, Melee majors. I can't imagine a more fulfilling experience than hustling on the side to pursue a passion. Here's to hoping it goes well.
Ten more minutes. I can't talk about FaceCraiging (Frontrunner?) anymore since I've done it for 3 days.
I think right now is a very important time in my life. My Father would call it a "Defining Moment," My mom would call it "Growing a pair of balls." Whatever you wanna call it, (Defining Balls?) It's a rare opportunity to really shift gears on how I live my life. It's clear that this momentum will go away, complacency will set it, and every time I put my head in the clouds I'm wasting time with what's in front of me.
This happened in college, both freshman year and Junior year, where I put everything I had into my first semester and let it slip in the second. It's a typical story, but I've gone through it twice already and I know how it ends up.
Freshman year, my big mistake was ego. After getting good grades my first semester, I let myself believe that I would be successful no matter what, ignoring the hard work that I legitimately put in. Second semester, I got a 2.1. A two point one!!!!
Junior year, my first semester living off campus, Is when I started my White board of National notoriety. I kept it up for months, balancing my complicated life well, and made the mistake of getting a big ego again. I ran for president of my Frat, lost, then ran for Vice-President and won. Sounds like a victory, but I was overbooked as it was, and ended up coming short of my responsibilites and personal goals in the position. That's for another time, and it's still weirdly kind of raw, but I do think it was a huge mistake.
I can say here that I learned a lot from these errors, but I won't know if I really learned unless I make changes. I need to keep these lessons in my head for as long as possible, not to weigh myself down with regret but to scare myself away from my ill-guided tendencies. This moment of high-spirits can falter, but it doesn't need to. I can have my first semester over and over again. Winter will probably still be shitty, though. That's for later.
Ok, three minutes. I forgot to brush my teeth so I'll do that instead.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Monday, June 10, 2019
Nobody likes you when you have the day off.
It's always nice not having work. Actually, that's not the case. I explicitly remember last September, when the Jewish calendar stacks up it's off-time, that I was flush with workless days.
It was then that I bemoaned my own apathy on these rare occasion. For whatever reason I squandered my opportunity, and with each day that went by (I think it was 5 total for the month) I grew more and more frustrated with myself. It was like being stuck in a ditch, revving my engines and spinning my wheels through wet mud. The worst part, though, was that I believed that there was no mud at all, just that I had broken something in myself that allowed the car to move.
I was alone, after all. Who else is there to blame?
That was 9 months ago. The ol' gestation period. Not enough time for true retrospect, since I'm basically the same person as then, but with a change of setting I think I might now have some perspective. I forgive myself for watching as much TV as I did, for playing 4 hours of Dota (no joke) instead of reading or writing. I shouldn't have been so hard on myself.
How do I move forward, though? I've let go of the shame, the blunt force trauma of self-criticism, and look again to the same opportunity. What will I do with myself on my day off?
I think the biggest problem I face now, and a baby's length ago too, was the expectation I put on myself. I would think "This is what my life would be as a self-employed [profession unlocked at age 26] and I need to prove that I can do it!"
Okay..
Do what? Be a professional blogger? Stream games all day to an audience that doesn't exist? What could I possibly do to match a standard that hasn't yet been conceived, let alone gestated and birthed?
I really gotta let this birthing thing go... *sigh* I need to self edit more
The point is, how do I judge what makes a good day? A Productive Day ™ . I hate it. Even writing about this feeling at a distance makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous, like I'm doing something wrong by even doubting that a day off could be good and.. *groan* .. Productive.
I really hate that the blog is named what it is. I mean, I don't hate it. I don't know how I feel about it. The word really grew sour, though.
So we need another word for this. Honestly, a top contender right now is just "good". I had a good day. It's vague, sure. One person's good day might be catching up on all their shows and doing laundry. That sounds pretty sweet, no?
My good day might just be this blog and that cute-ass facebook post for the Ashmasta. It was a good day, I *shreiks* hit all my socials!
Or "It was a good day, I napped twice and made myself lunch without burning myself!" It's all subjective. Not working for what I need. "Good" is out!
Maybe I should get away from simple words, use a rating system. I've mentioned this once or twice, but back in college I had a cheeky little whiteboard hanging up on my room where I listed everything I wanted to do in a day, and each night I would write what I did. There was a cleaning tab, schoolwork, exercise. I had smash as it's own tab, because of course I did. As cringy as it might sound, it actually kept me pretty responsible. I would hate writing down "Nothing" on any section, since I would have to read it for the rest of the week, and it lead to a lot of late night pushups and sweeping.
Anyway, I think I want to bring it back. Not in the bedroom, I will keep it in my office. That sucker is gonna stare down at me every time I hop on my computer, giving me an endless supply of responsibility. I will either become a better, more active person, or I will tear it down in a rage in three weeks. Either way, I'll learn something about myself.
That's for later, though. What about Today! What joy can I bring to myself on this day, how can I optimize my time and fortify my sense of accomplishment? These lofty goals might be terrible and wrong, so how do I bring it down a notch to something more reasonable? How can I spend time well and accomplish one thing.
Shit, now I need a middle ground. Ahhh man, this won't get easier anytime soon, will it?
I must be getting on somebodies nerves at this point. Right now I feel like a dude who can run really fast, but only after he sprints in a tight circle until everyone on the track team gets dizzy. My mind right now is a centrifuge, and I'm just clinging on to hope that all this spinning will churn up something interesting. No resentment here, just a tinge of frustration. -- Sips water -- I also forgot that I'm a bit hungover. That could really do it.
So with all that, have I figured anything out? Doesn't seem like it. I mean, I wrote this, always a positive to write, and with all this junk out of my head I might be able to put something together. My apartment needs stuff, (Oh shit! A couch is coming today!) so I think the easiest way to make it a good day is to just -- Accomplish A List of Tasks© . Yeap. That'll do it.
Can being happy be this simple? Now that I think about it, a day full of putting together furniture, hanging up paintings, listing stuff on ebay, making myself lunch, then after I'm worn out playing some smash bros... Damn. That sounds like a great day!
So where does this anxiety come from? Maybe it's a framing thing, and instead of thinking of all these tasks as chores and bores, I could imagine them as opportunities to accomplish, and ish. Yea, okay. It's just a matter of tricking myself. Alright, I can get behind that. I am very gullible, after all.
So I guess I found a solution to days off. To metaphorically spin and gyrate and whimper and moan until all the dust flies out and I can think again. Right now, I found a day-pass for my sense of purpose. Now let's make the most of it.
(Maybe I'll snapchat all day lol. J7Gardner77)
It was then that I bemoaned my own apathy on these rare occasion. For whatever reason I squandered my opportunity, and with each day that went by (I think it was 5 total for the month) I grew more and more frustrated with myself. It was like being stuck in a ditch, revving my engines and spinning my wheels through wet mud. The worst part, though, was that I believed that there was no mud at all, just that I had broken something in myself that allowed the car to move.
I was alone, after all. Who else is there to blame?
That was 9 months ago. The ol' gestation period. Not enough time for true retrospect, since I'm basically the same person as then, but with a change of setting I think I might now have some perspective. I forgive myself for watching as much TV as I did, for playing 4 hours of Dota (no joke) instead of reading or writing. I shouldn't have been so hard on myself.
How do I move forward, though? I've let go of the shame, the blunt force trauma of self-criticism, and look again to the same opportunity. What will I do with myself on my day off?
I think the biggest problem I face now, and a baby's length ago too, was the expectation I put on myself. I would think "This is what my life would be as a self-employed [profession unlocked at age 26] and I need to prove that I can do it!"
Okay..
Do what? Be a professional blogger? Stream games all day to an audience that doesn't exist? What could I possibly do to match a standard that hasn't yet been conceived, let alone gestated and birthed?
I really gotta let this birthing thing go... *sigh* I need to self edit more
The point is, how do I judge what makes a good day? A Productive Day ™ . I hate it. Even writing about this feeling at a distance makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous, like I'm doing something wrong by even doubting that a day off could be good and.. *groan* .. Productive.
I really hate that the blog is named what it is. I mean, I don't hate it. I don't know how I feel about it. The word really grew sour, though.
So we need another word for this. Honestly, a top contender right now is just "good". I had a good day. It's vague, sure. One person's good day might be catching up on all their shows and doing laundry. That sounds pretty sweet, no?
My good day might just be this blog and that cute-ass facebook post for the Ashmasta. It was a good day, I *shreiks* hit all my socials!
Or "It was a good day, I napped twice and made myself lunch without burning myself!" It's all subjective. Not working for what I need. "Good" is out!
Maybe I should get away from simple words, use a rating system. I've mentioned this once or twice, but back in college I had a cheeky little whiteboard hanging up on my room where I listed everything I wanted to do in a day, and each night I would write what I did. There was a cleaning tab, schoolwork, exercise. I had smash as it's own tab, because of course I did. As cringy as it might sound, it actually kept me pretty responsible. I would hate writing down "Nothing" on any section, since I would have to read it for the rest of the week, and it lead to a lot of late night pushups and sweeping.
Anyway, I think I want to bring it back. Not in the bedroom, I will keep it in my office. That sucker is gonna stare down at me every time I hop on my computer, giving me an endless supply of responsibility. I will either become a better, more active person, or I will tear it down in a rage in three weeks. Either way, I'll learn something about myself.
That's for later, though. What about Today! What joy can I bring to myself on this day, how can I optimize my time and fortify my sense of accomplishment? These lofty goals might be terrible and wrong, so how do I bring it down a notch to something more reasonable? How can I spend time well and accomplish one thing.
I love these turtles so goddamn much. This will be my one thing. I love you, turtles.
Shit, now I need a middle ground. Ahhh man, this won't get easier anytime soon, will it?
I must be getting on somebodies nerves at this point. Right now I feel like a dude who can run really fast, but only after he sprints in a tight circle until everyone on the track team gets dizzy. My mind right now is a centrifuge, and I'm just clinging on to hope that all this spinning will churn up something interesting. No resentment here, just a tinge of frustration. -- Sips water -- I also forgot that I'm a bit hungover. That could really do it.
So with all that, have I figured anything out? Doesn't seem like it. I mean, I wrote this, always a positive to write, and with all this junk out of my head I might be able to put something together. My apartment needs stuff, (Oh shit! A couch is coming today!) so I think the easiest way to make it a good day is to just -- Accomplish A List of Tasks© . Yeap. That'll do it.
Can being happy be this simple? Now that I think about it, a day full of putting together furniture, hanging up paintings, listing stuff on ebay, making myself lunch, then after I'm worn out playing some smash bros... Damn. That sounds like a great day!
So where does this anxiety come from? Maybe it's a framing thing, and instead of thinking of all these tasks as chores and bores, I could imagine them as opportunities to accomplish, and ish. Yea, okay. It's just a matter of tricking myself. Alright, I can get behind that. I am very gullible, after all.
So I guess I found a solution to days off. To metaphorically spin and gyrate and whimper and moan until all the dust flies out and I can think again. Right now, I found a day-pass for my sense of purpose. Now let's make the most of it.
(Maybe I'll snapchat all day lol. J7Gardner77)
Saturday, June 8, 2019
New Apartment, Who Dis?
Alright, I'm in. Minus the bed, couch, 90% of planned decorations, a strong feeling of financial stability, a piece of our coffee maker that allows us to make full pots, and any sense of real accomplishment, Ashley and I finally moved into our own place. Just a few weeks back, my computer was in my mother's basement, feet from my bed, and each time I sat down to write I felt a strange and looming pressure to come up with something important to say.
Not that I had anyone reading, or anyone who needed what I was going to provide, but because I needed to prove myself as somebody worth listening to. That, when living in my childhood home, 3 dinners a week provided by my mother, my job less than 5 minutes away, I had not fully become an adult. I had no real sense of responsibility, so everything I tried to make, or write, or sing, perform, edit, all of that needed to be manifested in my own head as something worth doing. That even though I was fine, I had no risk of starving, I was gaining valuable skills at my job, I had a loving girlfriend and the opportunity to travel, go to concerts, tournaments, etc. There was something I didn't have. I'm seeing the effects of needing to pay rent, I guess.
Parents reading this will probably laugh. I don't have real responsibility, they might say. I suppose I can't compare to those of us raising kids, and I don't really want to. The idea of having children, I would guess, becomes more appealing to a 28 year old than to a 23 year old like me. I feel responsible enough to pay rent, electric, groceries. I couldn't imagine paying for a useless kid, though.
And here's the point that will begin to push me, money. What I was missing before was a real budgetary requirement, a sense that I can't really do whatever I want, and in that limitation I think I will find growth. I hope I will, anyway. We are set up for stability, but not necessarily abundance, and so now it's time to buckle down and figure out my way to thrive.
But before that, even, I have to tackle the same questions that I've had since graduation. What are my goals? Why do I write, or practice improv, or compete in Melee? How will I support myself and remain happy? Do I need to monetize hobbies to live a fulfilling life?
I feel happy now, but it's a spectrum, you know? Like, scale of 1-10, I could say I'm usually anywhere between a 5 and 8, sometimes an 8.5 on a great day, 3:30 in the afternoon when I go on one of my mid-work walks. Those brief joys come often enough, and when they do arrive I make a point to stop and literally breath it in. I have no idea where that capability came from, but I'll take it as a strength and move on. I try to realize the happy times, however fleeting.
So again, I need to ask myself of my goals. Do I try to maximize those moments? Or keep myself from getting too down, perhaps spiraling, perhaps leaning on food, alcohol, or gaming to cope. Do I work on getting my work on, becoming more strict with myself and my work ethic? Should I bring back my patented white board accomplishment board, start impressing myself with what I can get done in a week?
About 6 months ago I feel like I had this same conversation with myself. What is the right way forward? I was trying to calculate everything -- what were my strengths, what can I leverage into a business, or a following, or a revenue stream. I feel like I'm in that same place now, with a new context and 6 months more life experience. I still don't feel like I have an answer. I do think I have a strategy, though, but I've had plenty of different strategies that I've either abandoned or never really committed to in the first place.
I think my problem is long-term thinking. I keep trying to place these benchmarks at times that feel appropriate, X months from now I'll have done Y, but they never really come into fruition. I think it's time to slow down, keep my head down, and start getting down to business. Short term goals will define this era of my life, I think. Let's think weeks, days, maybe even hours. How can I make this time the best it can be, from 10:21 AM until Noon, and see what I can come up with. That feels more right than any other strategy I've had in the past. Now it feels like I can actually have fun.
So I guess I'm in the wilderness again. That's ok. When I started this blog, my long term goals were such that this moment, now, is still early in the game. I think I'm three minutes into the first quarter. Maybe even two, if you count college as a series of pre-game stretches.
I feel confident that I can do something good. That I can craft a life where I'm excited for each Monday morning, not Friday night. That I can continuously build myself and explore different avenues, create different things, learn different skills. A life where I feel secure and safe, and can spread that feeling to my friends and family. There I go, thinking long term again.
It's hard not to.
I think that's what this blog is for, though. It's whatever gets me thinking in the first place, I gotta stick to what's going on in my head. That's the only way. And right now, I want to stick to now, but I can't help think about later. I'll work on that.
At first, I wanted to end it here. This felt long, I took a shower in the middle (Guess where and enter a sweepstakes!) and I didn't want to keep getting stuck in the bog of not understanding what the hell I'm trying to say. I felt satiated, like I completed my daily benchmark, and that if I spent the next hour or so playing games on my phone, that I was entitled to do so. Why feel bad? I wrote today! I can catch up on my Clash of Clans, get that star bonus baby!
I wonder if that will ever stop. Maybe I'll be a gaming addict forever.
Here's a truth that I'll need to bring up eventually, I've been toying with a gaming addiction for as long as I could remember. I triumphed when it was most important, fortunately being provided with a loving family that forced me out of the gaming chair when it was most crucial, and I luckily got into a college while spending a ton of my time in high school playing games. I didn't bring a computer to college, thank god, and it was there that I finally cauterized the pulsing urge to level up in World of Warcraft or rank up in League. I got out when I needed to, and when I found melee, I found that it was the best outlet for my dormant urge to play games.
So that's when I became a melee player, and to this day it defines me. I spend a small amount of time each day playing, and it fits neatly into my life. It's social, requiring two people next to each other for real competition, and because of this I've made some of my best friends through the game.
This isn't about melee, though. I want to play more games.
I've wanted to for a while. It's a bit shameful, really, since gaming is looked at as a form of escapism, not something to try to do more of. When you mention to your family (or god forbid your girlfriend) that one of your life goals is to play more video games, you must do so with your head hung in shame and an apology letter in hand. They see it as saying "I like my job, but I really wish I could watch Netflix instead!" It's just the way it's seen, and so there's work to be done to really articulate what I mean.
I don't want to live an "easy" life. I don't want more leisure, less responsibility, or greater freedom from the stressors of the world. I don't want to escape reality, living instead in the limitless digital playgrounds endlessly pumped out of the gaming industry.
I just want to have a lot of fun. Gaming is a lot of fun.
And now, with streaming and Youtube the way that it is, I see an opportunity for myself. Not the opportunity to make a living, I think that's a pipe dream still, but an opportunity to at least point to something I'm doing and say "See? This is not a waste of time. People like this. This is going somewhere" It's not that I want to be a full time streamer (Because I do, who doesn't?) but I do want to play games, and through streaming I can find my voice, or connect with people, or just show my dad on a weekly basis that I'm still alive.
Most of all, I can play games again, and hopefully be able to have pride in it. To say to those who might not understand "Yes, I'm gaming, but I'm also performing."
And maybe this is all a justification. It probably is. Ever since WoW classic was announced, I've been thinking about playing and streaming it. Why not? Then, when my first viewer comes in, my first comment, my first conversation or follow, I can point to it and say "See? People like this. I'm doing something important."
And it's all shallow. I know it's shallow. Because truthfully, I should be able to play whatever games I want, as long as it's not taking over my life. Right now I sound more like a hoarder who's trying to keep their second favorite dart board from being thrown away. "No, look! This is vintage! I can put that in my beach house, once my 8-year old daughter marries rich and we get a beach house!"
Maybe I'm living in fantasy already? Before I get the chance to log in to that world, I have my make-believe brewing in my head already. Maybe I need to dodge and duck reality at any stage I'm in, and my lofty goals are nothing more than a distraction from the inevitable problems I can face at any moment.
Maybe gaming is something to be ashamed of. With the problems going on, why would I spend this time streaming games and not, say, volunteering for a political campaign? Shit, I'm doubting myself. Is this another trap, always thinking that my time could be spent on more important things? Did I discover this thought myself, or were the seeds of doubt sowed by society at large? Should I ignore this shame, or use it as a driving force to make my efforts worthwhile, pushing them passed the point of an excuse to have fun and, instead, as a true higher purpose of living?
Just because I want to do something, and have for a long time, does that make it really the right thing to do? Will I trick myself into thinking it's more important than it is, or more lucrative than it could be, or that I'm even talented enough to make it worthwhile at all? Is this really an opportunity, or rather an existential threat, a chance to double down into something with no future, beginning the cyclical collapse into despair that can only be spotted from the outside, prompting my loved ones to reach out in concern, which leads me to dismiss them because they can't possibly understand who I am or what I do? Is that possible, or did I just avoid it by exploring the possibility at all? Or maybe the opposite, and I just willed it into existence by breathing life into this horrific, hypothetical tragedy?
Didn't think it was going to that place, did you? See? I already feel different. Like I could seriously write about this crazy shit all day, and even though I know it's going nowhere, at the same time I know it's important. Before you stress about me, I'm fine. I like going into that dark place. Feels like a real rush!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I needed to move out. It was limiting beyond what I could even understand. And now, even though I'm limited in other ways, I know that I'll be alright. When I just look at what's right in front of me, this is what I can do. I can make rambling, depressing, and honest blog posts. I can begin to discover who I really am, not what my 5-year plan is.
I feel like I'm learning how to lift up the dams in my mind, and just allow the free-flowing thoughts to come through as quickly as they can materialize. This is good. I know it's good, and it will be useful in whatever I do. What I need to do now is work on everything else, not becoming distracted with where that water will end up, or who will drink it and want to buy a million cases of it. Once this water escapes, it's out, and it will end up wherever it may, and that must be ok with me. Maybe when I'm 28, I have my first kid, a much more expensive apartment, a more important day job, then I can start worrying about who's buying that water. For now, I just gotta learn how to get those rain clouds over the reservoir, and keep out the bugs.
I love extended metaphors, because after a while you either need to abandon them or seriously risk losing the entire train of thought. The bugs are shitty writing, in this case. The rain is productivity. The people drinking are literally just my parents.
I know something now that I didn't know when I first wanted to end the post. I love writing. I need to keep doing it, for as long as possible, until I die most likely. That's the truth of it all, and the only thing I really know for certain. This change of pace, a beautiful scenery behind my desk instead of a cold basement wall, this is what I needed apparently.
Next time I'll be more concise. Or maybe I won't. I still can't control the rain.
Not that I had anyone reading, or anyone who needed what I was going to provide, but because I needed to prove myself as somebody worth listening to. That, when living in my childhood home, 3 dinners a week provided by my mother, my job less than 5 minutes away, I had not fully become an adult. I had no real sense of responsibility, so everything I tried to make, or write, or sing, perform, edit, all of that needed to be manifested in my own head as something worth doing. That even though I was fine, I had no risk of starving, I was gaining valuable skills at my job, I had a loving girlfriend and the opportunity to travel, go to concerts, tournaments, etc. There was something I didn't have. I'm seeing the effects of needing to pay rent, I guess.
Parents reading this will probably laugh. I don't have real responsibility, they might say. I suppose I can't compare to those of us raising kids, and I don't really want to. The idea of having children, I would guess, becomes more appealing to a 28 year old than to a 23 year old like me. I feel responsible enough to pay rent, electric, groceries. I couldn't imagine paying for a useless kid, though.
And here's the point that will begin to push me, money. What I was missing before was a real budgetary requirement, a sense that I can't really do whatever I want, and in that limitation I think I will find growth. I hope I will, anyway. We are set up for stability, but not necessarily abundance, and so now it's time to buckle down and figure out my way to thrive.
But before that, even, I have to tackle the same questions that I've had since graduation. What are my goals? Why do I write, or practice improv, or compete in Melee? How will I support myself and remain happy? Do I need to monetize hobbies to live a fulfilling life?
I feel happy now, but it's a spectrum, you know? Like, scale of 1-10, I could say I'm usually anywhere between a 5 and 8, sometimes an 8.5 on a great day, 3:30 in the afternoon when I go on one of my mid-work walks. Those brief joys come often enough, and when they do arrive I make a point to stop and literally breath it in. I have no idea where that capability came from, but I'll take it as a strength and move on. I try to realize the happy times, however fleeting.
So again, I need to ask myself of my goals. Do I try to maximize those moments? Or keep myself from getting too down, perhaps spiraling, perhaps leaning on food, alcohol, or gaming to cope. Do I work on getting my work on, becoming more strict with myself and my work ethic? Should I bring back my patented white board accomplishment board, start impressing myself with what I can get done in a week?
About 6 months ago I feel like I had this same conversation with myself. What is the right way forward? I was trying to calculate everything -- what were my strengths, what can I leverage into a business, or a following, or a revenue stream. I feel like I'm in that same place now, with a new context and 6 months more life experience. I still don't feel like I have an answer. I do think I have a strategy, though, but I've had plenty of different strategies that I've either abandoned or never really committed to in the first place.
I think my problem is long-term thinking. I keep trying to place these benchmarks at times that feel appropriate, X months from now I'll have done Y, but they never really come into fruition. I think it's time to slow down, keep my head down, and start getting down to business. Short term goals will define this era of my life, I think. Let's think weeks, days, maybe even hours. How can I make this time the best it can be, from 10:21 AM until Noon, and see what I can come up with. That feels more right than any other strategy I've had in the past. Now it feels like I can actually have fun.
So I guess I'm in the wilderness again. That's ok. When I started this blog, my long term goals were such that this moment, now, is still early in the game. I think I'm three minutes into the first quarter. Maybe even two, if you count college as a series of pre-game stretches.
I feel confident that I can do something good. That I can craft a life where I'm excited for each Monday morning, not Friday night. That I can continuously build myself and explore different avenues, create different things, learn different skills. A life where I feel secure and safe, and can spread that feeling to my friends and family. There I go, thinking long term again.
It's hard not to.
I think that's what this blog is for, though. It's whatever gets me thinking in the first place, I gotta stick to what's going on in my head. That's the only way. And right now, I want to stick to now, but I can't help think about later. I'll work on that.
At first, I wanted to end it here. This felt long, I took a shower in the middle (Guess where and enter a sweepstakes!) and I didn't want to keep getting stuck in the bog of not understanding what the hell I'm trying to say. I felt satiated, like I completed my daily benchmark, and that if I spent the next hour or so playing games on my phone, that I was entitled to do so. Why feel bad? I wrote today! I can catch up on my Clash of Clans, get that star bonus baby!
I wonder if that will ever stop. Maybe I'll be a gaming addict forever.
Here's a truth that I'll need to bring up eventually, I've been toying with a gaming addiction for as long as I could remember. I triumphed when it was most important, fortunately being provided with a loving family that forced me out of the gaming chair when it was most crucial, and I luckily got into a college while spending a ton of my time in high school playing games. I didn't bring a computer to college, thank god, and it was there that I finally cauterized the pulsing urge to level up in World of Warcraft or rank up in League. I got out when I needed to, and when I found melee, I found that it was the best outlet for my dormant urge to play games.
So that's when I became a melee player, and to this day it defines me. I spend a small amount of time each day playing, and it fits neatly into my life. It's social, requiring two people next to each other for real competition, and because of this I've made some of my best friends through the game.
This isn't about melee, though. I want to play more games.
I've wanted to for a while. It's a bit shameful, really, since gaming is looked at as a form of escapism, not something to try to do more of. When you mention to your family (or god forbid your girlfriend) that one of your life goals is to play more video games, you must do so with your head hung in shame and an apology letter in hand. They see it as saying "I like my job, but I really wish I could watch Netflix instead!" It's just the way it's seen, and so there's work to be done to really articulate what I mean.
I don't want to live an "easy" life. I don't want more leisure, less responsibility, or greater freedom from the stressors of the world. I don't want to escape reality, living instead in the limitless digital playgrounds endlessly pumped out of the gaming industry.
I just want to have a lot of fun. Gaming is a lot of fun.
And now, with streaming and Youtube the way that it is, I see an opportunity for myself. Not the opportunity to make a living, I think that's a pipe dream still, but an opportunity to at least point to something I'm doing and say "See? This is not a waste of time. People like this. This is going somewhere" It's not that I want to be a full time streamer (Because I do, who doesn't?) but I do want to play games, and through streaming I can find my voice, or connect with people, or just show my dad on a weekly basis that I'm still alive.
Most of all, I can play games again, and hopefully be able to have pride in it. To say to those who might not understand "Yes, I'm gaming, but I'm also performing."
And maybe this is all a justification. It probably is. Ever since WoW classic was announced, I've been thinking about playing and streaming it. Why not? Then, when my first viewer comes in, my first comment, my first conversation or follow, I can point to it and say "See? People like this. I'm doing something important."
And it's all shallow. I know it's shallow. Because truthfully, I should be able to play whatever games I want, as long as it's not taking over my life. Right now I sound more like a hoarder who's trying to keep their second favorite dart board from being thrown away. "No, look! This is vintage! I can put that in my beach house, once my 8-year old daughter marries rich and we get a beach house!"
Maybe I'm living in fantasy already? Before I get the chance to log in to that world, I have my make-believe brewing in my head already. Maybe I need to dodge and duck reality at any stage I'm in, and my lofty goals are nothing more than a distraction from the inevitable problems I can face at any moment.
Maybe gaming is something to be ashamed of. With the problems going on, why would I spend this time streaming games and not, say, volunteering for a political campaign? Shit, I'm doubting myself. Is this another trap, always thinking that my time could be spent on more important things? Did I discover this thought myself, or were the seeds of doubt sowed by society at large? Should I ignore this shame, or use it as a driving force to make my efforts worthwhile, pushing them passed the point of an excuse to have fun and, instead, as a true higher purpose of living?
Just because I want to do something, and have for a long time, does that make it really the right thing to do? Will I trick myself into thinking it's more important than it is, or more lucrative than it could be, or that I'm even talented enough to make it worthwhile at all? Is this really an opportunity, or rather an existential threat, a chance to double down into something with no future, beginning the cyclical collapse into despair that can only be spotted from the outside, prompting my loved ones to reach out in concern, which leads me to dismiss them because they can't possibly understand who I am or what I do? Is that possible, or did I just avoid it by exploring the possibility at all? Or maybe the opposite, and I just willed it into existence by breathing life into this horrific, hypothetical tragedy?
Didn't think it was going to that place, did you? See? I already feel different. Like I could seriously write about this crazy shit all day, and even though I know it's going nowhere, at the same time I know it's important. Before you stress about me, I'm fine. I like going into that dark place. Feels like a real rush!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I needed to move out. It was limiting beyond what I could even understand. And now, even though I'm limited in other ways, I know that I'll be alright. When I just look at what's right in front of me, this is what I can do. I can make rambling, depressing, and honest blog posts. I can begin to discover who I really am, not what my 5-year plan is.
I feel like I'm learning how to lift up the dams in my mind, and just allow the free-flowing thoughts to come through as quickly as they can materialize. This is good. I know it's good, and it will be useful in whatever I do. What I need to do now is work on everything else, not becoming distracted with where that water will end up, or who will drink it and want to buy a million cases of it. Once this water escapes, it's out, and it will end up wherever it may, and that must be ok with me. Maybe when I'm 28, I have my first kid, a much more expensive apartment, a more important day job, then I can start worrying about who's buying that water. For now, I just gotta learn how to get those rain clouds over the reservoir, and keep out the bugs.
I love extended metaphors, because after a while you either need to abandon them or seriously risk losing the entire train of thought. The bugs are shitty writing, in this case. The rain is productivity. The people drinking are literally just my parents.
I know something now that I didn't know when I first wanted to end the post. I love writing. I need to keep doing it, for as long as possible, until I die most likely. That's the truth of it all, and the only thing I really know for certain. This change of pace, a beautiful scenery behind my desk instead of a cold basement wall, this is what I needed apparently.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Thank you, Gary Vee
It’s another one of those days where I find myself absolutely mainlining Gary Vee. He’s a growing force right now, so I don’t really feel the need to explain him that deeply.
It’s a great way to get inspired. If you’re reading this and not watching his stuff, you’ve picked the lesser option. Unless you’re my parents, who Im sure are reading this, I bet that you’d like him more than me. I promise you that you’ll enjoy him more. Writing about him is the definitition of derivative. What’s coming is just my inexperienced ass funneling his message after utterly devouring 3 hours of his content. It’s a pretty fun head space to be in.
I’m also loaded up on a Dunkin Donuts frozen coffee right now, a hot(heh) mess of caffeine and sugar which is essentially the missing evolutionary link between a Frosty and a Frappuccino.
Enough product placement. Until I get paid for it.
Gary Vee’s influence is powerful. His message is inspiring and built from honesty. It encapsulates the American dream and entrepreneurial (holy shit I spelt that on the first try) spirit.
He speaks often of his journey in his 20’s and the advantage of youth.
It makes me believe that the work I’m doing now is important. It makes me sincerely connect with the work that I’m doing, and the idea that things don’t need to happen quickly to happen at all. He resonates with me, and obviously many other people, in a very special way that hasn’t felt to have been reached before.
I feel satisfied with saying that. Now, the excitement from the videos have finished spilling out from my coffers, and I’m left with only my own thoughts. Maybe I just needed another sip of Dunkin Donuts Caffeine Milkshake. These things should be illegal. They hit me like an old 4 loko.
I’ve just been on a little streak of self doubt lately. Not about my work ethic, or the value of my work, but just the ways I’ve been expecting my life to turn out. The fluidity of plans and goals is a tricky subject - it sticks in my skull like the last drops in a bottle of water.
The dichotomy kills me. I’m told to envision my future clearly in order to achieve my goals (The Secret, right? I’ve never actually read it.) as well as to submit to the idea of not knowing what the future holds. Ambition and Buddhism.
I’m sure this isn’t the only thing bogging me down lately, it’s just the strongest and clearest at the moment. Another one is this; I’m insecure about my place in trying to speak about the world. I can’t believe - or maybe just don’t want to believe - that I know about what I’m talking when I look towards my future. It needs to be that way. In the same vein, how can I turn around and create content, especially for a brand that promotes healthy living and choosing the right path?
So I turn inward. I think - okay, I’m self aware enough to not tell people how they should live their life, that’s great. My first way to pivot from that was to create comedy, and so far I think that path is valid. As I continued with this, though, I began to grow more concerned about our lack of message. Not just what we are trying to sell, but what are we trying to say? I tapped into the internet frequently on information about our products, advice on being healthier, tricks on “biohacking” or nootropics or anything at all related to productivity. Now that I think of it, I’ve been interested in this stuff for a while, I just haven’t really stepped on the gas in implementing. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m still not there.
I think this all stems from my usual place of anxiety. It seems like my anxiety for a while now hasn’t just been about expressing myself, but more accurately a pain coming from a latent or undernourished ambition. I’m struggling to express this clearly, so bear with me.
When I get anxious, I can usually trace it back to a slow down, or sometimes a complete shut-down, of my writing. It’s been that way for about 5 years now, honestly. Only 2 years ago did I make the decision to start putting it on the internet.
Writing this blog was the best feeling in the world when I started. I made it a month long challenge to myself where I would wake up early (9am?), do some mild exercise, practice melee for 2 hours (I’ve never trained this hard before or since) then walk to the library and write for 45 minutes on their computers. I honestly remember nothing else from that summer, or even if I worked, but the time spent in front of the CRT and desktop made me a much better player and writer. Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for that month.
**Okay, just checked this. I wrote for about 2.5 weeks, not a month. Embarrassed at my selective memory.
If I were to do that same month now, I don’t know if I would ward off my anxiety. Not entirely, anyway. I’d like to think I would pull it off, since I do believe that took some solid discipline, even for an unemployed and primed college student full of sperm and ego. (Sorry, parents. But don’t act like you don’t know about sperm)
The simultaneously great-and-shitty part about ambition is that it’s exponential. It feeds and grows on itself, as well as feeds your skills and career. I should foster my ambition for this reason, since It helps so many parts of my life, but I’m honestly scared of how much it will hurt when I’m unable to put in the work.
That doesn’t feel like a proper fear. I don’t think I actually fear my ambition growing. Moreso my ego, or self awareness, or patience. Over Ambition isn’t a problem if I allow myself to fail, recognize that I failed and why I failed, and take those failures with a constitution that allows me to continue and keep enjoying the process.
What I really hope to gain isn’t just ambition, it’s the self awareness of my true value. How good am I really - not only overall, but compared to the work I was providing a year ago. How do I know I’m improving? In what way can I seriously measure success, or progress towards my next goal?
And that brings me back to Gary. He didn’t know. In his words he “ate shit” throughout his twenties and enjoyed the process of it all. I think it all boils down to that. That can be my mantra for now.
It got me to write this, didn’t it?
There. I feel it again. It’s exactly how I felt 2 years ago, when this blog was just a valve for my shitty ambition-noxide to escape. I gotta make sure to twist it every now and then. And trust the process.
Thank you, Gary.
It’s a great way to get inspired. If you’re reading this and not watching his stuff, you’ve picked the lesser option. Unless you’re my parents, who Im sure are reading this, I bet that you’d like him more than me. I promise you that you’ll enjoy him more. Writing about him is the definitition of derivative. What’s coming is just my inexperienced ass funneling his message after utterly devouring 3 hours of his content. It’s a pretty fun head space to be in.
I’m also loaded up on a Dunkin Donuts frozen coffee right now, a hot(heh) mess of caffeine and sugar which is essentially the missing evolutionary link between a Frosty and a Frappuccino.
Enough product placement. Until I get paid for it.
Gary Vee’s influence is powerful. His message is inspiring and built from honesty. It encapsulates the American dream and entrepreneurial (holy shit I spelt that on the first try) spirit.
He speaks often of his journey in his 20’s and the advantage of youth.
It makes me believe that the work I’m doing now is important. It makes me sincerely connect with the work that I’m doing, and the idea that things don’t need to happen quickly to happen at all. He resonates with me, and obviously many other people, in a very special way that hasn’t felt to have been reached before.
I feel satisfied with saying that. Now, the excitement from the videos have finished spilling out from my coffers, and I’m left with only my own thoughts. Maybe I just needed another sip of Dunkin Donuts Caffeine Milkshake. These things should be illegal. They hit me like an old 4 loko.
I’ve just been on a little streak of self doubt lately. Not about my work ethic, or the value of my work, but just the ways I’ve been expecting my life to turn out. The fluidity of plans and goals is a tricky subject - it sticks in my skull like the last drops in a bottle of water.
The dichotomy kills me. I’m told to envision my future clearly in order to achieve my goals (The Secret, right? I’ve never actually read it.) as well as to submit to the idea of not knowing what the future holds. Ambition and Buddhism.
I’m sure this isn’t the only thing bogging me down lately, it’s just the strongest and clearest at the moment. Another one is this; I’m insecure about my place in trying to speak about the world. I can’t believe - or maybe just don’t want to believe - that I know about what I’m talking when I look towards my future. It needs to be that way. In the same vein, how can I turn around and create content, especially for a brand that promotes healthy living and choosing the right path?
So I turn inward. I think - okay, I’m self aware enough to not tell people how they should live their life, that’s great. My first way to pivot from that was to create comedy, and so far I think that path is valid. As I continued with this, though, I began to grow more concerned about our lack of message. Not just what we are trying to sell, but what are we trying to say? I tapped into the internet frequently on information about our products, advice on being healthier, tricks on “biohacking” or nootropics or anything at all related to productivity. Now that I think of it, I’ve been interested in this stuff for a while, I just haven’t really stepped on the gas in implementing. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m still not there.
I think this all stems from my usual place of anxiety. It seems like my anxiety for a while now hasn’t just been about expressing myself, but more accurately a pain coming from a latent or undernourished ambition. I’m struggling to express this clearly, so bear with me.
When I get anxious, I can usually trace it back to a slow down, or sometimes a complete shut-down, of my writing. It’s been that way for about 5 years now, honestly. Only 2 years ago did I make the decision to start putting it on the internet.
Writing this blog was the best feeling in the world when I started. I made it a month long challenge to myself where I would wake up early (9am?), do some mild exercise, practice melee for 2 hours (I’ve never trained this hard before or since) then walk to the library and write for 45 minutes on their computers. I honestly remember nothing else from that summer, or even if I worked, but the time spent in front of the CRT and desktop made me a much better player and writer. Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for that month.
**Okay, just checked this. I wrote for about 2.5 weeks, not a month. Embarrassed at my selective memory.
If I were to do that same month now, I don’t know if I would ward off my anxiety. Not entirely, anyway. I’d like to think I would pull it off, since I do believe that took some solid discipline, even for an unemployed and primed college student full of sperm and ego. (Sorry, parents. But don’t act like you don’t know about sperm)
The simultaneously great-and-shitty part about ambition is that it’s exponential. It feeds and grows on itself, as well as feeds your skills and career. I should foster my ambition for this reason, since It helps so many parts of my life, but I’m honestly scared of how much it will hurt when I’m unable to put in the work.
That doesn’t feel like a proper fear. I don’t think I actually fear my ambition growing. Moreso my ego, or self awareness, or patience. Over Ambition isn’t a problem if I allow myself to fail, recognize that I failed and why I failed, and take those failures with a constitution that allows me to continue and keep enjoying the process.
What I really hope to gain isn’t just ambition, it’s the self awareness of my true value. How good am I really - not only overall, but compared to the work I was providing a year ago. How do I know I’m improving? In what way can I seriously measure success, or progress towards my next goal?
And that brings me back to Gary. He didn’t know. In his words he “ate shit” throughout his twenties and enjoyed the process of it all. I think it all boils down to that. That can be my mantra for now.
It got me to write this, didn’t it?
There. I feel it again. It’s exactly how I felt 2 years ago, when this blog was just a valve for my shitty ambition-noxide to escape. I gotta make sure to twist it every now and then. And trust the process.
Thank you, Gary.
Friday, August 3, 2018
"The good word of effort, persistence, and self reflection"
Sharing stuff is scary. I don't know if that will ever change. It will diminish, sure. I've seen that already for the ~6 years I've experienced stand up, or the 1 year of this whole thing.
I've been inspired by some strong internet personalities recently. I honestly thought they were all bullshit. I think everybody has some experience like this, we instinctively and understandably block out the majority of media blasting in our face 24/7, then finally something slips in that connects with us.
That man was Gary Vaynerchuk, an entrepreneur and motivational speaker that preaches the good word of effort. persistence, and self reflection. He is a non-stop machine of productivity, always creating content and documenting his conversations with aspiring young entrepreneurs.
He has Jesus like qualities to him, if Jesus lived and thrived in the post capitalist era. He's prolific, he travels the country, he preaches his word and has a long line of documentation behind him. I'm not saying this dude is the second coming of Christ, but there is a truth that he inhibits every day that embodies some of that spirit, at least in my eyes. The dude is mindful as hell. It's really something else, go check him out.
One thing he does is publish an 'obnoxious' amount of content -- those are his words. A google search show a Youtube channel, updated daily. Checking his Snapchat and Instagram reveal a constant barrage of vlogs, interviews, excerpts of other clips, and so on. The man is on a constant grind, to put it simply. To me, he is on a spiritual journey, albeit an incredibly public and profitable one. The truth is still there, though.
I wonder what happens to a person like this -- in their head, I mean. He is consistently on message, logical and pragmatic, but at the same time he's kind and compassionate to the aspiring folk he talks to. This kindness could be perceived as arrogance when he tells somebody they're being lazy, but ultimately you can tell it's a kind of "tough love" situation. No matter how he treats those to which he speaks, Gary V. seems entirely honest and present. Maybe Jesus wasn't exactly on point. Gary Vaynerchuck seems almost buddhist.
He is definitely not, let's be clear. The dude wants to own the Jets. His mantra is literally to be worth a Billion Dollars. I really doubt there's a coalition of bald Taiwanese men sitting around going "OhhmmmmmmmMONEY." So he's not Buddhist per say, not by a long shot. But the practice of mindfulness is a serious quality of Buddhism, no? A large portion of Gary's videos give evidence to him in a sort of trance-like flow state. Maybe I'm completely off base here, I have no real clue about what goes into Buddhism, but I like the narrative of this person combining powerful aspects of different religions.
So, who's to say the spirit of Buddhism doesn't preside inside this man?
What really matters is how this affects me. I like his message. I like it a lot.
If I could ask him one question, it would be this. How do I expand and fill my Creativity Tank, metaphorically speaking, as quickly and efficiently as possible? What steps did you take to get over hurdles of mental fatigue? Have you ever had a new creative project satiate the inner drive that powers the rest of your projects?
I think it would be a cool goal to meet him one day and ask the question directly to the man himself. Actually, I guess the real goal would be to explain to him how I answered the question on my own accord, by looking to him as a lighthouse through the fog. In a way, I think asking him the question would hurt more than help me. Teach a man to fish, right?
Maybe this blog is the solution. I've said it before, but expanding and delivering on this blog could be a cool little endeavor. That's probably what Gary V would do. Create as much as possible. Document the journey, don't pretend to know shit about shit.
I just can't get complacent. Today, I'm going to push until I'm seriously and utterly depleted.
Thanks for reading this far. I hope you guys can follow my day-job creative gig going on at Vigorpath.com. It's a brand new website started by my company that sells beauty and health goods, along with a blog that I manage. We have new content every Wednesday, as well as daily posts on Facebook and Twitter that I manage as well. We are officially up and running!
I've been inspired by some strong internet personalities recently. I honestly thought they were all bullshit. I think everybody has some experience like this, we instinctively and understandably block out the majority of media blasting in our face 24/7, then finally something slips in that connects with us.
That man was Gary Vaynerchuk, an entrepreneur and motivational speaker that preaches the good word of effort. persistence, and self reflection. He is a non-stop machine of productivity, always creating content and documenting his conversations with aspiring young entrepreneurs.
He has Jesus like qualities to him, if Jesus lived and thrived in the post capitalist era. He's prolific, he travels the country, he preaches his word and has a long line of documentation behind him. I'm not saying this dude is the second coming of Christ, but there is a truth that he inhibits every day that embodies some of that spirit, at least in my eyes. The dude is mindful as hell. It's really something else, go check him out.
One thing he does is publish an 'obnoxious' amount of content -- those are his words. A google search show a Youtube channel, updated daily. Checking his Snapchat and Instagram reveal a constant barrage of vlogs, interviews, excerpts of other clips, and so on. The man is on a constant grind, to put it simply. To me, he is on a spiritual journey, albeit an incredibly public and profitable one. The truth is still there, though.
I wonder what happens to a person like this -- in their head, I mean. He is consistently on message, logical and pragmatic, but at the same time he's kind and compassionate to the aspiring folk he talks to. This kindness could be perceived as arrogance when he tells somebody they're being lazy, but ultimately you can tell it's a kind of "tough love" situation. No matter how he treats those to which he speaks, Gary V. seems entirely honest and present. Maybe Jesus wasn't exactly on point. Gary Vaynerchuck seems almost buddhist.
He is definitely not, let's be clear. The dude wants to own the Jets. His mantra is literally to be worth a Billion Dollars. I really doubt there's a coalition of bald Taiwanese men sitting around going "OhhmmmmmmmMONEY." So he's not Buddhist per say, not by a long shot. But the practice of mindfulness is a serious quality of Buddhism, no? A large portion of Gary's videos give evidence to him in a sort of trance-like flow state. Maybe I'm completely off base here, I have no real clue about what goes into Buddhism, but I like the narrative of this person combining powerful aspects of different religions.
So, who's to say the spirit of Buddhism doesn't preside inside this man?
What really matters is how this affects me. I like his message. I like it a lot.
If I could ask him one question, it would be this. How do I expand and fill my Creativity Tank, metaphorically speaking, as quickly and efficiently as possible? What steps did you take to get over hurdles of mental fatigue? Have you ever had a new creative project satiate the inner drive that powers the rest of your projects?
I think it would be a cool goal to meet him one day and ask the question directly to the man himself. Actually, I guess the real goal would be to explain to him how I answered the question on my own accord, by looking to him as a lighthouse through the fog. In a way, I think asking him the question would hurt more than help me. Teach a man to fish, right?
Maybe this blog is the solution. I've said it before, but expanding and delivering on this blog could be a cool little endeavor. That's probably what Gary V would do. Create as much as possible. Document the journey, don't pretend to know shit about shit.
I just can't get complacent. Today, I'm going to push until I'm seriously and utterly depleted.
Thanks for reading this far. I hope you guys can follow my day-job creative gig going on at Vigorpath.com. It's a brand new website started by my company that sells beauty and health goods, along with a blog that I manage. We have new content every Wednesday, as well as daily posts on Facebook and Twitter that I manage as well. We are officially up and running!
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Morning Pages v.3000
I take solace in knowing 100% of artists, performers, writers, comedians, banjo players and hypnotists have been in the exact situation that I am in now. What sucks is knowing that every successful person has suffered in this sense, and that I am in no way out of that suffering. When I start to feel self-pity it leads to something like this, a somber self reflection and attempt at creative productivity. It’s really all the same stuff, now, with the rare exception that gets thrown out into the half-monster-half-internet portal for the world to view and judge and ignore. It’s a struggle, constantly shaming myself for missed opportunities while searching frantically for my bootstraps, with which I might pull myself up. It’s an expectation that feels like it comes from me, but is it really? It’s… my parents, no? Is there any such thing as truly intrinsic motivation, or have I been tricked into thinking a life of disciplined artistic endeavor is the one for me?
No, this has only been encouraged. There’s no point in time where either parent tried to push me towards comedy - just a true sense of purpose and passion. I think I found the right thing, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel that way all the time. It seems impossible to actually imagine a life for myself even a year from now. Living at home will do that to you, I suppose, but the workplace does me no favors either. Surrounded by regression, aggression, depression. Simple answers triumph over complex discussion, sounds familiar, no? Maybe our political landscape is the true root to my sporadic episodes of, well, sadness. It does me no favors to blame the powerful, overarching anxiety of this presidency, but I can’t bring myself to completely shut it out and focus on myself. That’s exactly what he wants. I have a true obligation to stay tuned, at the very least.
Maybe I need to volunteer or otherwise contribute to a political cause. Maybe that will lift this mysterious anchor from my proverbial ankle. The logistics of everyday life impede that, though, and right now I have a great opportunity at my fingertips - wasting that would be a painful regret no doubt. Maybe I need to start meditating again, yea, that’s worth a shot for sure. I am closing in on a great morning routine - but tuesdays have become a consistent disappointment in terms of health and productivity. I’m going to skip next monday’s tournaments and see how I feel. Man, what do I do?
This is hardly a letter of urgency, actually, it’s not a letter at all. Shit, maybe it is a letter. It looks like a letter. Nowadays I feel confident in myself and my work, in my progression and my future. The problem, I guess, is just inexperience. If I truly trust myself and the process, why do I feel anxiety now? Can I not place faith in my developing habits and semblance of talent? Can I bring myself to post this *~*truly*~* personal self reflection as opposed to producing a typical one - a truth-filtered concoction of boredom and caffeine. It would take guts, I give myself that.
There is value in these posts - both short and long term. That sentence is a lie, or at least the conviction behind it is. I have no idea if this post has any value at all, in any point in the future. It does have value in this exact moment, though. I have succeeded in curbing this weird, unorthodox, self-inflicted pain - at least temporarily. For the moment, I have absolutely no desire in slowing down or ending this post. I feel like I could go on forever. Maybe this is what I really needed, this exact thing right now is the most important thing in the universe.
You know, in a way I actually believe that. All we have is this moment, and all I have in this moment is a loud earful of Radiohead, dutifully drowning out the insane and indescribable distractions of my office, along with the words at my desk. --- Between that section and this sentence now, I was brought into a conversation with a coworker. It was pleasant, though, not the typical story of what goes on around here. I will never share that online, these stories are gifts so precious that I repeat them rarely, albeit powerfully, and only to close friends and family. If you are interested in some crazy office stories, I recommend you press me on how I’m liking my job. I promise it won’t disappoint.
I’ll be honest, this is really teetering on the edge of writings I post and do not post. Right now I’m not sure if these words will actually be read, a line I rarely cross, and for good reason. I don’t want my free writes to be subjected to the same scrutiny and inhibition as my deliberate attempts to open up to (Facebook) friends and family. Man, what the hell do I get myself into.
Screw it, I’ll post.
But I don’t want to stop, there’s a mild mania going on right now that I don’t want to quench - a result of my recent lack of expression. I’m going to pivot now, try to produce a piece of comedy and actually provide for the company that sponsored the last 45 minutes of my life. I hope to hide this forever from my coworkers, but, as with every piece of writing or content I put into the world, I know it’s a matter of time before it leaks out. Oh well.
Thank you for reading.
No, this has only been encouraged. There’s no point in time where either parent tried to push me towards comedy - just a true sense of purpose and passion. I think I found the right thing, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel that way all the time. It seems impossible to actually imagine a life for myself even a year from now. Living at home will do that to you, I suppose, but the workplace does me no favors either. Surrounded by regression, aggression, depression. Simple answers triumph over complex discussion, sounds familiar, no? Maybe our political landscape is the true root to my sporadic episodes of, well, sadness. It does me no favors to blame the powerful, overarching anxiety of this presidency, but I can’t bring myself to completely shut it out and focus on myself. That’s exactly what he wants. I have a true obligation to stay tuned, at the very least.
Maybe I need to volunteer or otherwise contribute to a political cause. Maybe that will lift this mysterious anchor from my proverbial ankle. The logistics of everyday life impede that, though, and right now I have a great opportunity at my fingertips - wasting that would be a painful regret no doubt. Maybe I need to start meditating again, yea, that’s worth a shot for sure. I am closing in on a great morning routine - but tuesdays have become a consistent disappointment in terms of health and productivity. I’m going to skip next monday’s tournaments and see how I feel. Man, what do I do?
This is hardly a letter of urgency, actually, it’s not a letter at all. Shit, maybe it is a letter. It looks like a letter. Nowadays I feel confident in myself and my work, in my progression and my future. The problem, I guess, is just inexperience. If I truly trust myself and the process, why do I feel anxiety now? Can I not place faith in my developing habits and semblance of talent? Can I bring myself to post this *~*truly*~* personal self reflection as opposed to producing a typical one - a truth-filtered concoction of boredom and caffeine. It would take guts, I give myself that.
There is value in these posts - both short and long term. That sentence is a lie, or at least the conviction behind it is. I have no idea if this post has any value at all, in any point in the future. It does have value in this exact moment, though. I have succeeded in curbing this weird, unorthodox, self-inflicted pain - at least temporarily. For the moment, I have absolutely no desire in slowing down or ending this post. I feel like I could go on forever. Maybe this is what I really needed, this exact thing right now is the most important thing in the universe.
You know, in a way I actually believe that. All we have is this moment, and all I have in this moment is a loud earful of Radiohead, dutifully drowning out the insane and indescribable distractions of my office, along with the words at my desk. --- Between that section and this sentence now, I was brought into a conversation with a coworker. It was pleasant, though, not the typical story of what goes on around here. I will never share that online, these stories are gifts so precious that I repeat them rarely, albeit powerfully, and only to close friends and family. If you are interested in some crazy office stories, I recommend you press me on how I’m liking my job. I promise it won’t disappoint.
I’ll be honest, this is really teetering on the edge of writings I post and do not post. Right now I’m not sure if these words will actually be read, a line I rarely cross, and for good reason. I don’t want my free writes to be subjected to the same scrutiny and inhibition as my deliberate attempts to open up to (Facebook) friends and family. Man, what the hell do I get myself into.
Screw it, I’ll post.
But I don’t want to stop, there’s a mild mania going on right now that I don’t want to quench - a result of my recent lack of expression. I’m going to pivot now, try to produce a piece of comedy and actually provide for the company that sponsored the last 45 minutes of my life. I hope to hide this forever from my coworkers, but, as with every piece of writing or content I put into the world, I know it’s a matter of time before it leaks out. Oh well.
Thank you for reading.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Sometimes, with these, my brain just spills.
There should be no thoughts before you start. Maybe an idea will cross your mind - scratch that, you will have plenty. Don't try to lock those down, you arn't prepared. The only thoughts worth saving come with a pen in your hand, keyboard at your fingertips, voice recorder turned on. These are my rules, the only thing that keeps me sane now. "It will come" I tell myself, "Don't worry about these." Now, just because I remind myself of these good habits doesn't mean I don't go crazy.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)