Nobody likes you when you have the day off.

It's always nice not having work. Actually, that's not the case. I explicitly remember last September, when the Jewish calendar stacks up it's off-time, that I was flush with workless days.

It was then that I bemoaned my own apathy on these rare occasion. For whatever reason I squandered my opportunity, and with each day that went by (I think it was 5 total for the month) I grew more and more frustrated with myself. It was like being stuck in a ditch, revving my engines and spinning my wheels through wet mud. The worst part, though, was that I believed that there was no mud at all, just that I had broken something in myself that allowed the car to move.

I was alone, after all. Who else is there to blame?

That was 9 months ago. The ol' gestation period. Not enough time for true retrospect, since I'm basically the same person as then, but with a change of setting I think I might now have some perspective. I forgive myself for watching as much TV as I did, for playing 4 hours of Dota (no joke) instead of reading or writing. I shouldn't have been so hard on myself.

How do I move forward, though? I've let go of the shame, the blunt force trauma of self-criticism, and look again to the same opportunity. What will I do with myself on my day off?

I think the biggest problem I face now, and a baby's length ago too, was the expectation I put on myself. I would think "This is what my life would be as a self-employed [profession unlocked at age 26] and I need to prove that I can do it!"

Okay..

Do what? Be a professional blogger? Stream games all day to an audience that doesn't exist? What could I possibly do to match a standard that hasn't yet been conceived, let alone gestated and birthed?

I really gotta let this birthing thing go...   *sigh* I need to self edit more


The point is, how do I judge what makes a good day? A Productive Day ™ . I hate it. Even writing about this feeling at a distance makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous, like I'm doing something wrong by even doubting that a day off could be good and.. *groan* .. Productive.

I really hate that the blog is named what it is. I mean, I don't hate it. I don't know how I feel about it. The word really grew sour, though.

So we need another word for this. Honestly, a top contender right now is just "good". I had a good day. It's vague, sure. One person's good day might be catching up on all their shows and doing laundry. That sounds pretty sweet, no?

My good day might just be this blog and that cute-ass facebook post for the Ashmasta. It was a good day, I *shreiks* hit all my socials!

Or "It was a good day, I napped twice and made myself lunch without burning myself!" It's all subjective. Not working for what I need. "Good" is out!

Maybe I should get away from simple words, use a rating system. I've mentioned this once or twice, but back in college I had a cheeky little whiteboard hanging up on my room where I listed everything I wanted to do in a day, and each night I would write what I did. There was a cleaning tab, schoolwork, exercise. I had smash as it's own tab, because of course I did. As cringy as it might sound, it actually kept me pretty responsible. I would hate writing down "Nothing" on any section, since I would have to read it for the rest of the week, and it lead to a lot of late night pushups and sweeping.

Anyway, I think I want to bring it back. Not in the bedroom, I will keep it in my office. That sucker is gonna stare down at me every time I hop on my computer, giving me an endless supply of responsibility. I will either become a better, more active person, or I will tear it down in a rage in three weeks. Either way, I'll learn something about myself.

That's for later, though. What about Today! What joy can I bring to myself on this day, how can I optimize my time and fortify my sense of accomplishment? These lofty goals might be terrible and wrong, so how do I bring it down a notch to something more reasonable? How can I spend time well and accomplish one thing. 

I love these turtles so goddamn much. This will be my one thing. I love you, turtles.

Shit, now I need a middle ground. Ahhh man, this won't get easier anytime soon, will it?

I must be getting on somebodies nerves at this point. Right now I feel like a dude who can run really fast, but only after he sprints in a tight circle until everyone on the track team gets dizzy. My mind right now is a centrifuge, and I'm just clinging on to hope that all this spinning will churn up something interesting. No resentment here, just a tinge of frustration. -- Sips water -- I also forgot that I'm a bit hungover. That could really do it.


So with all that, have I figured anything out? Doesn't seem like it. I mean, I wrote this, always a positive to write, and with all this junk out of my head I might be able to put something together. My apartment needs stuff, (Oh shit! A couch is coming today!) so I think the easiest way to make it a good day is to just -- Accomplish A List of Tasks© . Yeap. That'll do it.

Can being happy be this simple? Now that I think about it, a day full of putting together furniture, hanging up paintings, listing stuff on ebay, making myself lunch, then after I'm worn out playing some smash bros... Damn. That sounds like a great day!

So where does this anxiety come from? Maybe it's a framing thing, and instead of thinking of all these tasks as chores and bores, I could imagine them as opportunities to accomplish, and ish. Yea, okay. It's just a matter of tricking myself. Alright, I can get behind that. I am very gullible, after all.

So I guess I found a solution to days off. To metaphorically spin and gyrate and whimper and moan until all the dust flies out and I can think again. Right now, I found a day-pass for my sense of purpose. Now let's make the most of it.

(Maybe I'll snapchat all day lol. J7Gardner77)