IDGAF.. JK I do

I don't write about my day job a lot. That's on purpose.

What should be the case is that I don't share a lot about my job, not that I don't write about it. I think back to all the crazy shit that's happened in my ol 9-5 and I hope that I'll be able to mark it down and remember it. I haven't shared because I don't want it to get to my coworkers how I feel about them, as I'm sure nobody else would want.

Is that a weakness, though? Caring about what other people would say to you if they were to read a blog about themselves? I've been taught not to care about what other people think since I was a little kid, so to completely inhibit myself from writing about this job, which I've had for over 1.5 years, feels a little like a failure.

I've always admired people who went overboard, especially for a joke. The people who see an opportunity to do something batshit and go for it without hesitation. Those are my type of people, I'm drawn to them, and in my head I always wish I had the courage to say things that I want to say without repercussion. I'm being quite vague, and that's on purpose too, since even a mild example might come off ass offensive.

I guess it's just not giving a fuck. That's what I wish I had more of.

I hate when people talk about how they don't give a fuck, it's clearly because they do, right? Also, people who say they don't give a fuck are often pretty upset when you challenge them on it, or don't take their side, or say anything that ruins their vibe. Is it possible to completely detach from other people? Is it even human to completely disregard what anybody else thinks of you, spin around in the middle of a room flipping double birds to the sales department and yelling "I don't give a fuuuuuuuuck!" They do. Otherwise they wouldn't have spun around like a performer.

I don't really understand my point right now, but that's alright. I wish I was just more bold. I'm finding a place for it, in improv practice or with people who like to push boundaries also, so with those outlets I can get it out of my system and code switch back to whatever else. Maybe I'm gearing up for the weekend, and this type of complaining coming out is a precursor to going hard as heck with all my friends. That's probably it. It sounds about right.

I just get annoyed by anyone who acts tough, speaks out often, can't take no for an answer. I don't think there's a lot of humanity in that. It feels calculated, like a decision was made at some point that they needed to put a barbed wire around their identity, and even if it keeps your ego safe from harm I think it's hard to take that wire away. Don't want people taking advantage of you? Fine. Want to further your position and gain respect? Alright, I guess you need to be a little aggro. Everywhere else, though.. Where does it leave you? What are you sacrificing with these personas? Those aren't leading questions, really, although I know some answers already. You're sacrificing being friends with me, dick. And I'm a sweet freakin friend.

But whatever, I can't judge. I don't know people. These types of guys (and it's mostly guys, let's be honest) are probably looking at the way I live as unbearable. I appease, I nod along with authority, I'm done what is asked of me, I try my best to hide ego. In my frat, my jobs, high school, that's just who I am. Doing anything else takes a lot of energy, and I don't know if I see any huge downside. My problem is that I become a target for these jackweasels, and that's where I need to start standing my ground. I need to learn how to bite back, not just retreat into the safety of my shell. This will take time, I'm sure. I'm not too concerned, since I always do have my shell to retreat into.

(In this short metaphor, the shell represents my sense of self and identity. It might not be full mature, but it can withstand outside forces and protect my vital functions)

So that's that. Being bold, learning to fight back, all that stuff. I'm trying to highlight my weaknesses as often as possible.

Being too nice sounds like a humblebrag. I'm not too nice, I just like being safe.