Hot damn it's coming down this morning!
I don't know why, but I always tend to feel like things are stagnating in my life when logically I know they aren't. Why is that? Is it because progress is usually very slow, and when we are inside of something it's difficult to really gain perspective on it?
Or is it that I'm not as committed as I need to be, in order to progress in what I'm trying to progress? Would I feel more confident in my journey if I had more achievements or milestones to point to and say "Look, I am on the right path. I know I'm doing well, because this was accomplished."
It seems unlikely that I just need an award or a threshold of viewers or readers or comments or likes. I already know this, and I know enough not to chase those types of rewards that exploit something in my brain, giving me a little dose of happiness and energy... Intellectually I know this. When I sit down and try to figure it out, that's when it's obvious. Day to day though, I'm always sucked in. When I have a good idea for a tweet and get excited when my notifications pop up, when I'm posting this stupid blog to Facebook and track how many people actually take a look. Why can't I stop it? Are there steps I'm missing here?
There's likely a middle ground I keep missing in the shuffle, a point where I can have my cake but only eat half. Maybe I'm on that right path, and as I swivel back and forth to finding my best direction I'm still heading forward, and that there is no perfect trajectory. The big fear is that I'm wasting time, and that the frivolous distractions of media will keep me from my potential. It's not unlikely. That's why it seems like I need to take drastic action from time to time. Why completing my habitual progression feels just like any other chore, on occasion. Why I want to feel like the things I'm doing are resonating with someone. The fear that the steps I'm taking are not enough, that just because I enjoy doing something doesn't mean it's worth the time. The fear is that a consistent journey will always be surpassed by someone smarter, and faster, and more passionate. Am I doing this all wrong?
Oftentimes I'll lean into this fear, taking it further and further until I'm on the verge of hopelessness. Why I do this is a mystery, perhaps an attempt of my subconscious to keep me from getting my hopes up. There's only so much a positive mindset can manifest into the world, no? Or maybe it's all backwards, and the only time I'm really set back is when I sit here and ponder my own aspirations. Or maybe I am in the middle of something great, a journey so magnificent that in retrospect this exact post will be so dramatically ironic that it becomes the focal point of a best selling biography. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that outside the rain has stopped, my negativity has been removed by the leech of self-expression, and my latest podcast is halfway done with its export. There's more to talk about.
I really have no idea what marketing is. A personal brand, a persona, a reputation, social media presence, all of these things confuse the shit out of me. I don't get it and I don't like it. The counter-cultural part of me is repulsed, finding the facade of Instagram unattractive, the brevity of Twitter unsatisfying and angry, the metrics of Facebook confusing. There's so much to be gained from these platforms, though, and the more time I spend bashing and avoiding them the less time I'm building something for myself. That's the shitty part here, that I'm both in complete control and failing in this aspect.
It just doesn't feel right, building my own brand. I hate those words, I'm averse to the concept, I'm intimidated by the competition, I'm unimpressed with the content I put up. It's a lot of negativity that I'm bringing to the table, and a stubbornness that I can make it work by putting words on a free, bland page and post it, pictureless, to my personal Facebook. Who do I think I am? Why would that possibly be enough?
Am I ashamed of what I'm writing? Maybe I don't think it's good enough yet. I started this blog by just writing posts and not sharing them anywhere, using it as a way to simply store my journal entries and practice writing as often as possible. Is that the only value here? Do I just need to be more patient, do what feels right, and in 5 years I'll be happy with what I did?
God, I must be unbearable. I legitimately tried to be positive for a hot second, and it went right back into my internal centrifuge of anxiety. That's alright, this is mostly for me. It always is. I won't be shameful about it.
All I can do is go back to the gameplan, and hope I'm doing things right. Trust the advice of those who want the best for me, stay financially, physically, and mentally stable. Have fun when I can, work hard often, and maybe uninstall Twitter.
Man, I fucking hate Twitter.
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