I'm facing a little bit of a problem... It's an internal one, a problem that most artists (or as we call them today, content creators) face I'd assume. What's going through my mind is a dilemma of wanting people to read what I'm writing (consume my content) while still remaining true to myself in all the work that I do.
These thought loops always get to me. Right now, at 6:40AM on the fourth rainy day in a row, this is when I need to bring forth my own optimism. Something to counteract the barrage of doubt coming from one side of my brain to attack the other. The easier part now, as opposed to when I was 19, is that I know how universal these doubts are. The thoughts of not being good enough, or not understanding the industry, or coming to terms with advertising oneself as a commodity rather than a fully fledged human. These are modern problems in the platform of blogging or *sigh* content, but this has been the artists' struggle since as long as there's been artists. And there's been art since as far back as the 1960's, from what I've heard.
(I only consider people who do LSD to be artists. Sorry Beethoven)
So what? Like, really, what am I getting up in arms about? There are easy ways to push this forward and become more legitimate. There's still value in writing things that people don't read, as long as I come to terms that they might read it one day. But writing just for myself is.. it's just not the point. I like being heard. I used to be ashamed of that, thinking that true art is to be crafted from the tortured solitude of a misanthropic genius, that anybody outside of that mold would be settling for less and creating incorrectly. That the appeal to the "masses" is inherently wrong, and any attempt to justify the desire for our art to be seen is to turn a blind eye to the evils of capitalism destroying any sort of true creativity.
And look, I'm not here to talk about capitalism. Well, I don't know, maybe I am. Maybe every artist has to really understand it, come to terms with it, possibly even learn to love it.
Is the free market anti art? It doesn't hate creativity, that's for sure. Right now there's a huge push for authenticity, something novel in our culture and undoubtedly in parallel with the value of artists. So now, in 2019, what is there to dislike about capitalism? What is actually wrong with a system designed the way it is now, with 10 platforms to distribute our art for free, for billions of people to potentially see us, for a living to be made from the comfort of our own swivel chair?
What's wrong is what has always been wrong, except it's easier. It's not free, it's not easy, but it's much easier compared to when art began in the 60's. I think what's scary for me is the idea of failure within this system is that much more embarrassing. Not because my friends or family will see me fail, but in my own head if I can't make this work then maybe I'm just not cut out for it. If I can't make my writing become something valuable in this context then perhaps it is just valueless.
It's a weak mindset. As pumped up and excited I was last week, this week is certainly a valley. I need to stay patient, work hard in my day job and side gigs, and do what I love. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.
It's hard though, man. Sometimes it just gets hard.
P.S
I got some good feedback on my post yesterday. I'm gonna sit on it for a little bit before hitting on the topic of Melee finances again.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
To iBDW and Moky:
I have extreme sympathy for Moky and iBDW. I don't want to sit here and assume I can fix all of their problems, not even close, but I definitely felt the need to explore the issue and offer my perspective.
I know Cody well, I was one of the players that he cut in half on his ascent, and we played/met up at both upstate and tristate tournaments alike. I used to think me and him had a special bond because he would hug me at every tournament, now I see that it's his thing and I need to come to terms with it. I love the guy, truly. It breaks my heart to see him in the position he's in.
Moky I know less about, but we met briefly at Shine last year after he beat in bracket and he was a really cool guy. As a player, I admire him deeply and am in awe with the creativity and flash that he has while still packing some juicy results. After reading his story, I was again heartbroken, and so I come to this blog now with a great deal of frustration.
Two of our best melee players need our help. We need to help them.
I believe that this is the best time for these players to make a career in Smash. I truly believe they can do it, and everyone on twitter is certainly showing their support as well. The leverage from Smash Summit 8, their skills in the game, their popularity, all of this can be turned into something sustainable and profitable.
**Before I keep going, I should take a second to acknowledge that iBDW and Moky are two different people. When I say "What can they do" I'm speaking on their similarities as melee fox players, and the difficulties they both will have in making money with this game**
Here's the nightmare scenario here: Both of these players start streaming and they both do decently well. Donations come in strong and these players are hit with a huge wave of support. After a few months, this support dies down, and unless they really hit their strive as streamers before that happens, then they won't be making as much money anymore. Then it becomes a game of "Do I stream, or do I go to this regional where first place gets $1,200 and second gets $600?" Then, these guys aren't just competing for the love of the game, they're competing to survive.
It's very hard to predict a streamer's trajectory, particularly in melee. These players will no doubt hit an audience right away, and with consistency could definitely pull some good numbers. Who knows, maybe they'll hit their subscriber goals every month and be completely fine. The scary thing is, this is still a chaotic way to make money. There is very little consistency besides the monthly stipend that they (hopefully) get from their sponsors. I would be scared to take the plunge too, especially since Nintendo is a cruel god and provides nothing to the melee community.
This is a scary time for both of these players. I don't want them to become forgotten, or anyone thinking that the money they get from Summit or donations or their sponsors is enough. Again, it might be. I might be scared for no reason, projecting my own shortcomings within the community and the game onto two much more capable people. I definitely hope I'm wrong. In any case, with all that laid out, I want to talk about solutions.
All I can do is channel Gary Vee here... What would he say?
Let's talk about leverage. Both of these players have tremendous attention on them at this very moment, it's arguably their biggest asset. I think their number 1 goal should be building their brands further, and creating a network of people that can help them push and monetize their brand. Then, they can subsidize their careers with either 1. Merchandise 2. Coaching or 3. Patreon
They need to stream consistently, but more importantly distribute that content as far and wide as possible. In order to be a melee player with real value, you must put out clips, quotes, tips, interviews, anything and everything you can possibly do to keep people paying attention to you. It's the only hope, unless you both go on to hit top 8 at every major you go to from here on in. If that happens, then this was a waste of time, and I'll go back to my hole where I just say aggressive things about commentators that make me feel insecure.
Here's my final plea, if you want to support either Moky or iBDW or both, see what you can do for them passed donating. Help them build an infrastructure where they can sustainably leverage this attention into real money, not just flash floods of donations or amazon prime subscribers. Even if it's clipping cool shit on their stream and posting it places, it helps. If everyone does a small part, just enough so that you aren't taken off of your own path, then two of our favorite players can lead a happy life. And then, selfishly, we get to reap the benefits of watching these two masters develop into some of the best players our community has ever seen.
To Cody and Moky (We aren't on first name basis) I hope that you guys read this as well, and look into making this a real career independent of tournament winnings and other things outside your control. I believe in both of you with all my heart, and I look forward to the days of you doing an interview after winning a major, telling Homemadewaffles that everything worked out well, that you're happy, and that melee is the sickest game of all time.
Best of luck. I'm rooting for you both.
(P.S, Donating helps a lot. Way a lot. Donate if you can to these wonderful people)
I know Cody well, I was one of the players that he cut in half on his ascent, and we played/met up at both upstate and tristate tournaments alike. I used to think me and him had a special bond because he would hug me at every tournament, now I see that it's his thing and I need to come to terms with it. I love the guy, truly. It breaks my heart to see him in the position he's in.
Moky I know less about, but we met briefly at Shine last year after he beat in bracket and he was a really cool guy. As a player, I admire him deeply and am in awe with the creativity and flash that he has while still packing some juicy results. After reading his story, I was again heartbroken, and so I come to this blog now with a great deal of frustration.
Two of our best melee players need our help. We need to help them.
I believe that this is the best time for these players to make a career in Smash. I truly believe they can do it, and everyone on twitter is certainly showing their support as well. The leverage from Smash Summit 8, their skills in the game, their popularity, all of this can be turned into something sustainable and profitable.
**Before I keep going, I should take a second to acknowledge that iBDW and Moky are two different people. When I say "What can they do" I'm speaking on their similarities as melee fox players, and the difficulties they both will have in making money with this game**
Here's the nightmare scenario here: Both of these players start streaming and they both do decently well. Donations come in strong and these players are hit with a huge wave of support. After a few months, this support dies down, and unless they really hit their strive as streamers before that happens, then they won't be making as much money anymore. Then it becomes a game of "Do I stream, or do I go to this regional where first place gets $1,200 and second gets $600?" Then, these guys aren't just competing for the love of the game, they're competing to survive.
It's very hard to predict a streamer's trajectory, particularly in melee. These players will no doubt hit an audience right away, and with consistency could definitely pull some good numbers. Who knows, maybe they'll hit their subscriber goals every month and be completely fine. The scary thing is, this is still a chaotic way to make money. There is very little consistency besides the monthly stipend that they (hopefully) get from their sponsors. I would be scared to take the plunge too, especially since Nintendo is a cruel god and provides nothing to the melee community.
This is a scary time for both of these players. I don't want them to become forgotten, or anyone thinking that the money they get from Summit or donations or their sponsors is enough. Again, it might be. I might be scared for no reason, projecting my own shortcomings within the community and the game onto two much more capable people. I definitely hope I'm wrong. In any case, with all that laid out, I want to talk about solutions.
All I can do is channel Gary Vee here... What would he say?
Let's talk about leverage. Both of these players have tremendous attention on them at this very moment, it's arguably their biggest asset. I think their number 1 goal should be building their brands further, and creating a network of people that can help them push and monetize their brand. Then, they can subsidize their careers with either 1. Merchandise 2. Coaching or 3. Patreon
They need to stream consistently, but more importantly distribute that content as far and wide as possible. In order to be a melee player with real value, you must put out clips, quotes, tips, interviews, anything and everything you can possibly do to keep people paying attention to you. It's the only hope, unless you both go on to hit top 8 at every major you go to from here on in. If that happens, then this was a waste of time, and I'll go back to my hole where I just say aggressive things about commentators that make me feel insecure.
Here's my final plea, if you want to support either Moky or iBDW or both, see what you can do for them passed donating. Help them build an infrastructure where they can sustainably leverage this attention into real money, not just flash floods of donations or amazon prime subscribers. Even if it's clipping cool shit on their stream and posting it places, it helps. If everyone does a small part, just enough so that you aren't taken off of your own path, then two of our favorite players can lead a happy life. And then, selfishly, we get to reap the benefits of watching these two masters develop into some of the best players our community has ever seen.
To Cody and Moky (We aren't on first name basis) I hope that you guys read this as well, and look into making this a real career independent of tournament winnings and other things outside your control. I believe in both of you with all my heart, and I look forward to the days of you doing an interview after winning a major, telling Homemadewaffles that everything worked out well, that you're happy, and that melee is the sickest game of all time.
Best of luck. I'm rooting for you both.
(P.S, Donating helps a lot. Way a lot. Donate if you can to these wonderful people)
Monday, June 17, 2019
Melee is crazy.
I gotta get a short one out, because taking a day off hurts more than you'd think.
I had a crazy good weekend. Spent quality time with four of my closest friends, partied on the days you're supposed to party, watched Smash Summit 8 (!!!!) and came out on Monday morning relatively unscathed. There's a lot to be said for how a person spends their weekends, usually mine are not all that special, and when I get the chance to see my buddies in person it really sets my mind right for the upcoming week.
Not to say that I'm not tired, cause I am, but I guess it's a better tired than other types. I might have another cup of coffee before noon type of tired. I know, that's not any sort of fatigue that I should be proud of.
Anyway, updating my life is pretty boring now, especially when I'm doing it nearly every day. What do I actually want to talk about?
.....
Melee is crazy.
For the uninitiated, Axe just won Smash Summit 8. His first ever major. The context behind that is almost too difficult to describe, so I won't really try, but if you take my word that it's a really big deal then we can talk about what it means to me, to my friends in the community, and the future of the game that I hold so dear.
It feels like this game won't ever go away. There's too much love pumped into it on a daily basis for it to really die, too many exciting things happening, too many players trying to create their own stories and contribute to the bigger picture. It's inspiring to see the rise of people that started playing after I did, iBDW specifically, and how he's gone from a new player to top 15 in less time than anyone I've ever seen. I'm sure there's someone starting now who will be amazing in 4 years or so, giving another seismic shift to the melee community.
It's incredible, slightly unbelievable actually, how exciting these last few months have been for the game. I'm not the person to really speak on it, since I can barely remember my own sets let alone others, but I do want to reflect on how I feel. I have my own aspirations with the game, as you all may know, and the likelihood of those dreams seems directly coordinated to the health of the scene as a whole. What can I manufacture out of a game with this level of heart, excitement, attitude and durability? A hell of a lot more than other hobbies, similarly aged games don't get the same attention as this masterpiece that's for sure.
And of course I tie this into my own experience, since that's all I can do and all I really would like to do, so I hope it doesn't come off as self-centered. I'm just saying that I'm inspired by those at the top, and while I know that my own aspirations don't lead to the same place (4th at summit, really cody?) I trust that following my heart is a worthy driver, and rarely the wrong move.
I guess it's just nice to be reminded why I do something, why I spend money and travel and shuffle around priorities. It's nice to feel a part of something, to look online and see hundreds of people get excited for the exact same reason at the exact same time. There's nothing better than community. Except for Melee, I think.
I had a crazy good weekend. Spent quality time with four of my closest friends, partied on the days you're supposed to party, watched Smash Summit 8 (!!!!) and came out on Monday morning relatively unscathed. There's a lot to be said for how a person spends their weekends, usually mine are not all that special, and when I get the chance to see my buddies in person it really sets my mind right for the upcoming week.
Not to say that I'm not tired, cause I am, but I guess it's a better tired than other types. I might have another cup of coffee before noon type of tired. I know, that's not any sort of fatigue that I should be proud of.
Anyway, updating my life is pretty boring now, especially when I'm doing it nearly every day. What do I actually want to talk about?
.....
Melee is crazy.
For the uninitiated, Axe just won Smash Summit 8. His first ever major. The context behind that is almost too difficult to describe, so I won't really try, but if you take my word that it's a really big deal then we can talk about what it means to me, to my friends in the community, and the future of the game that I hold so dear.
It feels like this game won't ever go away. There's too much love pumped into it on a daily basis for it to really die, too many exciting things happening, too many players trying to create their own stories and contribute to the bigger picture. It's inspiring to see the rise of people that started playing after I did, iBDW specifically, and how he's gone from a new player to top 15 in less time than anyone I've ever seen. I'm sure there's someone starting now who will be amazing in 4 years or so, giving another seismic shift to the melee community.
It's incredible, slightly unbelievable actually, how exciting these last few months have been for the game. I'm not the person to really speak on it, since I can barely remember my own sets let alone others, but I do want to reflect on how I feel. I have my own aspirations with the game, as you all may know, and the likelihood of those dreams seems directly coordinated to the health of the scene as a whole. What can I manufacture out of a game with this level of heart, excitement, attitude and durability? A hell of a lot more than other hobbies, similarly aged games don't get the same attention as this masterpiece that's for sure.
And of course I tie this into my own experience, since that's all I can do and all I really would like to do, so I hope it doesn't come off as self-centered. I'm just saying that I'm inspired by those at the top, and while I know that my own aspirations don't lead to the same place (4th at summit, really cody?) I trust that following my heart is a worthy driver, and rarely the wrong move.
I guess it's just nice to be reminded why I do something, why I spend money and travel and shuffle around priorities. It's nice to feel a part of something, to look online and see hundreds of people get excited for the exact same reason at the exact same time. There's nothing better than community. Except for Melee, I think.
Saturday, June 15, 2019
"Flip King of Weehawken"
Just sold some garbage for thirty bucks. Not actual garbage, I just found it next to a garbage can and took it for free, but if we're talking literal terms I turned trash into cash. Pretty cool.
This kick I'm on lately is filling me with a lot of energy. I'm not talking big bucks here, and not even over a long enough time to be talking about it so much, but it's where I'm at now and that's where I want to linger for a bit. I wanna dig into where this came from, why my brain keeps pulsing good vibes when I list something on Ebay or go through Nintendo games from my childhood. I've never cared so much about making money, so what changed?
Like with anything in life, there are different factors. Living on my own (rent, groceries, bills) is making me think harder about my income and how I manage my money. My day job is an entrepreneurial playground, and over the last year or so I've seen the power of online marketplaces, as well as learned how to use them. The media I consume plays a part too, as I'm literally following a framework set forward by one of my favorite internet personalities.
So yea, it makes sense that this is where I've landed. I have no doubt that I will continue this for the foreseeable future, especially since I need this money to fund my melee major addiction. I look forward to the first tournament I travel to funded entirely by this new hobby, a hobby financing another hobby. Pretty cool.
I dont like to talk on broad terms too much, but I do think theres a trend with people my age to get overwhelmed with the possibilities in front of us. We're told we can do anything, and now the internet gives us the tools to do that without leaving the couch. There's a lot of hope in that truism, but also anxiety, especially when you come against roadblocks, hesitation, failure or inadequacy. If I have so many tools, why am I still stuck? Why are there no results when I'm doing the thing that I love? If I cant succeed in my passion, if it's not who I am, then who am I?
These questions are shit-hard to answer!
I think I want to detach from these types of pursuits altogether. The framework of defining success is killing us, not the internet or Instagram or instant gratification. The exciting thing about selling random shit on the sidewalk isnt the thirty bucks, or the dream of being a millionaire using only Ebay, or any other lofty ideal. It seems to me that the best part of this is that it's real. Its grounded and indisputable, its directly correlated to the work that I put into it, and every sale that I make (remember, I'm up to 2 total. $37 profit. I dont know shit) is another sprinkle of freedom. This truly feels like the next great American frontier, and its exciting as all hell.
Usually I know pretty quickly when I like something, and I truly like this. I needed some way to fund my whole collection of side-quests, right? So maybe if I come into more money, a raise or whatever, then this will stop. I'm not saying this is who I am, my new identity isnt entrepreneur, I'm not aiming to be the flip king of Weehawken. All I know is that I've tried something and it clicked, and I just sold trash to some dude who thanked me for it... since I drove 30 minutes to deliver it.
Catch me in Brooklyn tonight, by the way. I'll be sifting through the dumpster next to Williamsburg's Acme
This kick I'm on lately is filling me with a lot of energy. I'm not talking big bucks here, and not even over a long enough time to be talking about it so much, but it's where I'm at now and that's where I want to linger for a bit. I wanna dig into where this came from, why my brain keeps pulsing good vibes when I list something on Ebay or go through Nintendo games from my childhood. I've never cared so much about making money, so what changed?
Like with anything in life, there are different factors. Living on my own (rent, groceries, bills) is making me think harder about my income and how I manage my money. My day job is an entrepreneurial playground, and over the last year or so I've seen the power of online marketplaces, as well as learned how to use them. The media I consume plays a part too, as I'm literally following a framework set forward by one of my favorite internet personalities.
So yea, it makes sense that this is where I've landed. I have no doubt that I will continue this for the foreseeable future, especially since I need this money to fund my melee major addiction. I look forward to the first tournament I travel to funded entirely by this new hobby, a hobby financing another hobby. Pretty cool.
I dont like to talk on broad terms too much, but I do think theres a trend with people my age to get overwhelmed with the possibilities in front of us. We're told we can do anything, and now the internet gives us the tools to do that without leaving the couch. There's a lot of hope in that truism, but also anxiety, especially when you come against roadblocks, hesitation, failure or inadequacy. If I have so many tools, why am I still stuck? Why are there no results when I'm doing the thing that I love? If I cant succeed in my passion, if it's not who I am, then who am I?
These questions are shit-hard to answer!
I think I want to detach from these types of pursuits altogether. The framework of defining success is killing us, not the internet or Instagram or instant gratification. The exciting thing about selling random shit on the sidewalk isnt the thirty bucks, or the dream of being a millionaire using only Ebay, or any other lofty ideal. It seems to me that the best part of this is that it's real. Its grounded and indisputable, its directly correlated to the work that I put into it, and every sale that I make (remember, I'm up to 2 total. $37 profit. I dont know shit) is another sprinkle of freedom. This truly feels like the next great American frontier, and its exciting as all hell.
Usually I know pretty quickly when I like something, and I truly like this. I needed some way to fund my whole collection of side-quests, right? So maybe if I come into more money, a raise or whatever, then this will stop. I'm not saying this is who I am, my new identity isnt entrepreneur, I'm not aiming to be the flip king of Weehawken. All I know is that I've tried something and it clicked, and I just sold trash to some dude who thanked me for it... since I drove 30 minutes to deliver it.
Catch me in Brooklyn tonight, by the way. I'll be sifting through the dumpster next to Williamsburg's Acme
Friday, June 14, 2019
IDGAF.. JK I do
I don't write about my day job a lot. That's on purpose.
What should be the case is that I don't share a lot about my job, not that I don't write about it. I think back to all the crazy shit that's happened in my ol 9-5 and I hope that I'll be able to mark it down and remember it. I haven't shared because I don't want it to get to my coworkers how I feel about them, as I'm sure nobody else would want.
Is that a weakness, though? Caring about what other people would say to you if they were to read a blog about themselves? I've been taught not to care about what other people think since I was a little kid, so to completely inhibit myself from writing about this job, which I've had for over 1.5 years, feels a little like a failure.
I've always admired people who went overboard, especially for a joke. The people who see an opportunity to do something batshit and go for it without hesitation. Those are my type of people, I'm drawn to them, and in my head I always wish I had the courage to say things that I want to say without repercussion. I'm being quite vague, and that's on purpose too, since even a mild example might come off ass offensive.
I guess it's just not giving a fuck. That's what I wish I had more of.
I hate when people talk about how they don't give a fuck, it's clearly because they do, right? Also, people who say they don't give a fuck are often pretty upset when you challenge them on it, or don't take their side, or say anything that ruins their vibe. Is it possible to completely detach from other people? Is it even human to completely disregard what anybody else thinks of you, spin around in the middle of a room flipping double birds to the sales department and yelling "I don't give a fuuuuuuuuck!" They do. Otherwise they wouldn't have spun around like a performer.
I don't really understand my point right now, but that's alright. I wish I was just more bold. I'm finding a place for it, in improv practice or with people who like to push boundaries also, so with those outlets I can get it out of my system and code switch back to whatever else. Maybe I'm gearing up for the weekend, and this type of complaining coming out is a precursor to going hard as heck with all my friends. That's probably it. It sounds about right.
I just get annoyed by anyone who acts tough, speaks out often, can't take no for an answer. I don't think there's a lot of humanity in that. It feels calculated, like a decision was made at some point that they needed to put a barbed wire around their identity, and even if it keeps your ego safe from harm I think it's hard to take that wire away. Don't want people taking advantage of you? Fine. Want to further your position and gain respect? Alright, I guess you need to be a little aggro. Everywhere else, though.. Where does it leave you? What are you sacrificing with these personas? Those aren't leading questions, really, although I know some answers already. You're sacrificing being friends with me, dick. And I'm a sweet freakin friend.
But whatever, I can't judge. I don't know people. These types of guys (and it's mostly guys, let's be honest) are probably looking at the way I live as unbearable. I appease, I nod along with authority, I'm done what is asked of me, I try my best to hide ego. In my frat, my jobs, high school, that's just who I am. Doing anything else takes a lot of energy, and I don't know if I see any huge downside. My problem is that I become a target for these jackweasels, and that's where I need to start standing my ground. I need to learn how to bite back, not just retreat into the safety of my shell. This will take time, I'm sure. I'm not too concerned, since I always do have my shell to retreat into.
(In this short metaphor, the shell represents my sense of self and identity. It might not be full mature, but it can withstand outside forces and protect my vital functions)
So that's that. Being bold, learning to fight back, all that stuff. I'm trying to highlight my weaknesses as often as possible.
Being too nice sounds like a humblebrag. I'm not too nice, I just like being safe.
What should be the case is that I don't share a lot about my job, not that I don't write about it. I think back to all the crazy shit that's happened in my ol 9-5 and I hope that I'll be able to mark it down and remember it. I haven't shared because I don't want it to get to my coworkers how I feel about them, as I'm sure nobody else would want.
Is that a weakness, though? Caring about what other people would say to you if they were to read a blog about themselves? I've been taught not to care about what other people think since I was a little kid, so to completely inhibit myself from writing about this job, which I've had for over 1.5 years, feels a little like a failure.
I've always admired people who went overboard, especially for a joke. The people who see an opportunity to do something batshit and go for it without hesitation. Those are my type of people, I'm drawn to them, and in my head I always wish I had the courage to say things that I want to say without repercussion. I'm being quite vague, and that's on purpose too, since even a mild example might come off ass offensive.
I guess it's just not giving a fuck. That's what I wish I had more of.
I hate when people talk about how they don't give a fuck, it's clearly because they do, right? Also, people who say they don't give a fuck are often pretty upset when you challenge them on it, or don't take their side, or say anything that ruins their vibe. Is it possible to completely detach from other people? Is it even human to completely disregard what anybody else thinks of you, spin around in the middle of a room flipping double birds to the sales department and yelling "I don't give a fuuuuuuuuck!" They do. Otherwise they wouldn't have spun around like a performer.
I don't really understand my point right now, but that's alright. I wish I was just more bold. I'm finding a place for it, in improv practice or with people who like to push boundaries also, so with those outlets I can get it out of my system and code switch back to whatever else. Maybe I'm gearing up for the weekend, and this type of complaining coming out is a precursor to going hard as heck with all my friends. That's probably it. It sounds about right.
I just get annoyed by anyone who acts tough, speaks out often, can't take no for an answer. I don't think there's a lot of humanity in that. It feels calculated, like a decision was made at some point that they needed to put a barbed wire around their identity, and even if it keeps your ego safe from harm I think it's hard to take that wire away. Don't want people taking advantage of you? Fine. Want to further your position and gain respect? Alright, I guess you need to be a little aggro. Everywhere else, though.. Where does it leave you? What are you sacrificing with these personas? Those aren't leading questions, really, although I know some answers already. You're sacrificing being friends with me, dick. And I'm a sweet freakin friend.
But whatever, I can't judge. I don't know people. These types of guys (and it's mostly guys, let's be honest) are probably looking at the way I live as unbearable. I appease, I nod along with authority, I'm done what is asked of me, I try my best to hide ego. In my frat, my jobs, high school, that's just who I am. Doing anything else takes a lot of energy, and I don't know if I see any huge downside. My problem is that I become a target for these jackweasels, and that's where I need to start standing my ground. I need to learn how to bite back, not just retreat into the safety of my shell. This will take time, I'm sure. I'm not too concerned, since I always do have my shell to retreat into.
(In this short metaphor, the shell represents my sense of self and identity. It might not be full mature, but it can withstand outside forces and protect my vital functions)
So that's that. Being bold, learning to fight back, all that stuff. I'm trying to highlight my weaknesses as often as possible.
Being too nice sounds like a humblebrag. I'm not too nice, I just like being safe.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
The Cool Kid and the Smelly Dork
Right now, I feel pretty satisfied.
Usually it just takes a few days to scratch the various itches that are consistently in the spine of my soul. When I go a week or so fulfilling my basic human needs, then a couple of days with decent creativity, I come to this headspace. I welcome it. It's the goal, in a way. The proof in the pudding (words down on paper), as it were.
I always get a tinge of fear, though. Whenever I have a sense of accomplishment, there's a rush of anxiety following up right behind, telling me not to get complacent. It's as reliable as a package deal for a popular guy and his nerdy best friend when choosing teams for a kickball game. You want the popular dude, but the nerdy fellow is louder than he should be, and if he just stayed quiet you would like him way more, plus he smells bad. This doesn't get in the way of you picking Jason (The popular boy, keep up) , because he's seriously a beast, and his positive attitude brings the best out of the rest of the team.
I'll put up with stinky Pete for now, but I always feel the need to complain about him or make him go away. "I wanted Jason!" I scream into poor little Peter's eyes, "You always come along and ruin it!" And that's on me, I don't like feeling anxious. I don't like it when self-doubt springs up as a counterweight to any modicum of success or momentum. I want to kick Peter in the god-damn shins and run away, then call attention to any pretty girls in the area and tell them he tried hurting a disabled boy but got his ass kicked. Is this relatable? You all get me.
But Jason, he's dope as hell man. When I get him on the team he's a freaking all star, hitting home runs left and right and fielding like a true hero. I love it when I get going, where I can keep a steady flow of work and focus for as long as possible. It's great! It's just that after every home run there's stinky Pete, stumbling up to bat with his helmet on backwards and shirt buttoned incorrectly. Why are you dressed up for kickball, Peter my boy? Who else is wearing a helmet? I just shake my head and let him get out, just trying to make it through the shitty moment with integrity in tact. Maybe that's my problem, though. Trying to remove or ignore something that's fundamental to who I am.
There's no way to get rid of Stench master Peter, here. Him and Jason are joined at the hip, and according to Big J, this crap-scented companion is a big reason why he's so happy and successful. Pete pushes him to work hard, to be his best, to focus and perform whenever he can. "Wow, I didn't know that" I say to Jason, as I return his laundry to him, pressed and folded. "These smell great by the way"
"Thanks! Pete reminds me to smell my best" Jason says, trying his best to make sense of the metaphor of which he is a part. "Anyway, back to that volunteer work!"
I sigh as Jason cartwheels out of the locker room. Pete shuffles his way out of a closed locker, then flounders out quickly while trying to keep playing Pokemon on his Gameboy but it won't save and it's running out of battery. I sigh again, but this time shake my head, which means I feel different.
Pete isn't going away, is he? Maybe he's just here to make Jason more appealing, like this popular boy is only cool when paired up with a true beast of a human. Maybe I need that consistent reminder of my anxiety so I know what the alternative is. A Peter without a Jason is just a waste of an at-bat. Jason without Peter might not exist.
Maybe putting up with this anxiety is just not the move. Maybe I need to get used to it, then start to like it, then get it to be a valuable team player. Maybe SP can be shown the way into a productive and attractive human being? I need a metaphorical Queer Eye, I think.
Or maybe extended metaphors are a waste of time, and trying to personify complex human emotions into a ubiquitous high-school experience is just a way of coping with the fact that nobody on earth will ever truly understand what I'm going through, ever, not even those closest to me. This desire I have, the urge to turn 'Pete' and 'Jason' into this idea that's so well articulated that anyone on the internet would connect with it instantly, it's completely unrealistic, and not just because of my own shortcomings as a writer, thinker, and communicator, but also the fundamental error in human language that will limit our ability to accurately reflect our own thoughts and emotions in perpetuity, and that the only way to circumvent the ultimately futile attempt to make my presence known or important in this modern world is to resort to these audacious rants and absurdly long metaphors.
See that? That was all Pete. That's why we keep this guy around.
P.S
Pete Ward, this metaphor was not inspired by you, I promise.
Usually it just takes a few days to scratch the various itches that are consistently in the spine of my soul. When I go a week or so fulfilling my basic human needs, then a couple of days with decent creativity, I come to this headspace. I welcome it. It's the goal, in a way. The proof in the pudding (words down on paper), as it were.
I always get a tinge of fear, though. Whenever I have a sense of accomplishment, there's a rush of anxiety following up right behind, telling me not to get complacent. It's as reliable as a package deal for a popular guy and his nerdy best friend when choosing teams for a kickball game. You want the popular dude, but the nerdy fellow is louder than he should be, and if he just stayed quiet you would like him way more, plus he smells bad. This doesn't get in the way of you picking Jason (The popular boy, keep up) , because he's seriously a beast, and his positive attitude brings the best out of the rest of the team.
I'll put up with stinky Pete for now, but I always feel the need to complain about him or make him go away. "I wanted Jason!" I scream into poor little Peter's eyes, "You always come along and ruin it!" And that's on me, I don't like feeling anxious. I don't like it when self-doubt springs up as a counterweight to any modicum of success or momentum. I want to kick Peter in the god-damn shins and run away, then call attention to any pretty girls in the area and tell them he tried hurting a disabled boy but got his ass kicked. Is this relatable? You all get me.
But Jason, he's dope as hell man. When I get him on the team he's a freaking all star, hitting home runs left and right and fielding like a true hero. I love it when I get going, where I can keep a steady flow of work and focus for as long as possible. It's great! It's just that after every home run there's stinky Pete, stumbling up to bat with his helmet on backwards and shirt buttoned incorrectly. Why are you dressed up for kickball, Peter my boy? Who else is wearing a helmet? I just shake my head and let him get out, just trying to make it through the shitty moment with integrity in tact. Maybe that's my problem, though. Trying to remove or ignore something that's fundamental to who I am.
There's no way to get rid of Stench master Peter, here. Him and Jason are joined at the hip, and according to Big J, this crap-scented companion is a big reason why he's so happy and successful. Pete pushes him to work hard, to be his best, to focus and perform whenever he can. "Wow, I didn't know that" I say to Jason, as I return his laundry to him, pressed and folded. "These smell great by the way"
"Thanks! Pete reminds me to smell my best" Jason says, trying his best to make sense of the metaphor of which he is a part. "Anyway, back to that volunteer work!"
I sigh as Jason cartwheels out of the locker room. Pete shuffles his way out of a closed locker, then flounders out quickly while trying to keep playing Pokemon on his Gameboy but it won't save and it's running out of battery. I sigh again, but this time shake my head, which means I feel different.
Pete isn't going away, is he? Maybe he's just here to make Jason more appealing, like this popular boy is only cool when paired up with a true beast of a human. Maybe I need that consistent reminder of my anxiety so I know what the alternative is. A Peter without a Jason is just a waste of an at-bat. Jason without Peter might not exist.
Maybe putting up with this anxiety is just not the move. Maybe I need to get used to it, then start to like it, then get it to be a valuable team player. Maybe SP can be shown the way into a productive and attractive human being? I need a metaphorical Queer Eye, I think.
Or maybe extended metaphors are a waste of time, and trying to personify complex human emotions into a ubiquitous high-school experience is just a way of coping with the fact that nobody on earth will ever truly understand what I'm going through, ever, not even those closest to me. This desire I have, the urge to turn 'Pete' and 'Jason' into this idea that's so well articulated that anyone on the internet would connect with it instantly, it's completely unrealistic, and not just because of my own shortcomings as a writer, thinker, and communicator, but also the fundamental error in human language that will limit our ability to accurately reflect our own thoughts and emotions in perpetuity, and that the only way to circumvent the ultimately futile attempt to make my presence known or important in this modern world is to resort to these audacious rants and absurdly long metaphors.
See that? That was all Pete. That's why we keep this guy around.
P.S
Pete Ward, this metaphor was not inspired by you, I promise.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Gamify me, captain
I like to turn everything into a video game.
Like, real life stuff. Gamification is a word now (Although it's getting red-lined by google) and I think I'm a good example of it.
Some things definitely should be gamified, this ebay thing for instance. If you can't look at buying and selling on ebay as reminiscent of some sort of MMORPG then you had too many friends in high school. I played Runescape and World of Warcraft. Yes, in this context I am bragging. The only context I'm allowed to brag about that.
In these types of games you essentially had the freedom to play how you want, and some people would decide to "Merchant" all day. Basically, with the items that are constantly moving around the in-game economy, you can buy things low and sell them high. It was day trading, essentially.
I tried this a little bit, but I played when I was 10 and generally had no idea how to do anything. I didn't have a lot of $$ (Still talking about gaming, here). I was enraptured with the concept regardless of my own success. These MMOEntrepreneurs weren't at the top of any leader boards, weren't technically skilled at the actual game itself, but they were the cool people to myself and lots of other poor (in-game) kids. It also didn't hurt that they were decked out in FULL DRAGON. WHOAOOAAA
Now that I'm a bit older and have real, actual money to spend on stuff, I find myself fascinated with the idea of merchanting again. Coincidentally, and this is not to keep anything on theme, the first things I began research on has been Nintendo 64 games. I have 13 from my childhood and I looked their prices up on Ebay last night. I looked at how much they sold for in the past month, took the average cost, and have it in a cheeky little spreadsheet on my computer. For some reason, I enjoyed the process very much. Couldn't tell you why, it's literal data entry.
I'm actually thinking hard about why I liked it. I really didn't expect to. Often I'll get some idea in my head of what I want to do next, some grand scheme or maybe just a pop-up hobby. I'll get invested, talk about it all the time, then give it up when I decide I don't like it or I stop doing it for too long. There's a strong chance that happens again with this ebay bullshit, maybe 50% or so. Like, I haven't sold a damn thing yet, and I've mentioned it already what, twelve times? Oh well.
This felt a little different, though. I don't usually have energy at 9:45 PM, but I kept on plugging away happily. We'll see where this goes, huh?
--------
A final thought about gamification, I made my shower into a fighting game character today. In the shower, of course. And I didn't make it an actual character, but I did give it a tier list ranking based on it's merits, and compared it to my old shower. Let me try to explain:
Old shower:
Single handle for simple temperature control.
Sometimes inconsistent water pressure and temp
Three nozzle settings, but only one version is actually viable
-Also non-detachable
Final Grade = Tier B -- Good for beginners to learn but lots of glaring weaknesses
New Shower:
Three knobs, confusing at first but gives surprising control over pressure and temperature
Detachable nozzle with one setting, allows for special attack "Butthole Blast" for the days when your cheeks got suds.
Extremely reliable hot water, but sensitive to same-floor toilet flush
Final Grade = Tier A -- Hard to learn but the core strengths and flexibility make up for it. Mastering the "Butthole Blast" will bring your game to a whole new level.
----
Also, Melee has ruined me as a regular person. I can't do anything casually anymore, I'm straight up hardwired to try and optimize and speed up my "movement". The biggest culprit has been typing on a TV with the remote control. Most people groan when they need to type in their wifi password using only cardinal directions and an "ok" button, but I get into my gamer stance (Leaning forward) and take on the challenge. Have you ever out-sped the auto find feature on Netflix because you were typing the title too fast? Me neither. That is my Everest.
I have my email down to a stupid fast speed. I had to do it since the days of Xbox360, and that practice has sharpened my skills and made me into the man I am today.
So why bring this all up? I don't know, it's not like I feel bad about it or anything. I guess I'm just interested in how my head works, why I like the things I do, what I did as a kid that lead me to be the guy I am now.
What's exciting, though, is that I still have so much time to develop. I'm not sure how it works, but I assume that childhood isn't the only impressionable time of my life. I can do things now, in these next five, ten, fifteen years, that will influence me the same way my 13-year old self influenced me at 23. This time I'll have the sovereignty to make my own decisions, and the maturity (hopefully!) to stick with them for a long enough time to learn from them. I can't expect this next endeavor to be successful, or even that fun for a long time, so it's just a matter of staying honest to myself and taking it one step at a time.
Oh, and sometimes finding a parking spot is like a game, but it's like beating a boss for your little cousin and you don't want to admit that it's actually hard. Last one, bringing change to a coin counter is like turning in a quest.
Alright that's enough gotta go bye.
Like, real life stuff. Gamification is a word now (Although it's getting red-lined by google) and I think I'm a good example of it.
Some things definitely should be gamified, this ebay thing for instance. If you can't look at buying and selling on ebay as reminiscent of some sort of MMORPG then you had too many friends in high school. I played Runescape and World of Warcraft. Yes, in this context I am bragging. The only context I'm allowed to brag about that.
In these types of games you essentially had the freedom to play how you want, and some people would decide to "Merchant" all day. Basically, with the items that are constantly moving around the in-game economy, you can buy things low and sell them high. It was day trading, essentially.
I tried this a little bit, but I played when I was 10 and generally had no idea how to do anything. I didn't have a lot of $$ (Still talking about gaming, here). I was enraptured with the concept regardless of my own success. These MMOEntrepreneurs weren't at the top of any leader boards, weren't technically skilled at the actual game itself, but they were the cool people to myself and lots of other poor (in-game) kids. It also didn't hurt that they were decked out in FULL DRAGON. WHOAOOAAA
Now that I'm a bit older and have real, actual money to spend on stuff, I find myself fascinated with the idea of merchanting again. Coincidentally, and this is not to keep anything on theme, the first things I began research on has been Nintendo 64 games. I have 13 from my childhood and I looked their prices up on Ebay last night. I looked at how much they sold for in the past month, took the average cost, and have it in a cheeky little spreadsheet on my computer. For some reason, I enjoyed the process very much. Couldn't tell you why, it's literal data entry.
I'm actually thinking hard about why I liked it. I really didn't expect to. Often I'll get some idea in my head of what I want to do next, some grand scheme or maybe just a pop-up hobby. I'll get invested, talk about it all the time, then give it up when I decide I don't like it or I stop doing it for too long. There's a strong chance that happens again with this ebay bullshit, maybe 50% or so. Like, I haven't sold a damn thing yet, and I've mentioned it already what, twelve times? Oh well.
This felt a little different, though. I don't usually have energy at 9:45 PM, but I kept on plugging away happily. We'll see where this goes, huh?
--------
A final thought about gamification, I made my shower into a fighting game character today. In the shower, of course. And I didn't make it an actual character, but I did give it a tier list ranking based on it's merits, and compared it to my old shower. Let me try to explain:
Old shower:
Single handle for simple temperature control.
Sometimes inconsistent water pressure and temp
Three nozzle settings, but only one version is actually viable
-Also non-detachable
Final Grade = Tier B -- Good for beginners to learn but lots of glaring weaknesses
New Shower:
Three knobs, confusing at first but gives surprising control over pressure and temperature
Detachable nozzle with one setting, allows for special attack "Butthole Blast" for the days when your cheeks got suds.
Extremely reliable hot water, but sensitive to same-floor toilet flush
Final Grade = Tier A -- Hard to learn but the core strengths and flexibility make up for it. Mastering the "Butthole Blast" will bring your game to a whole new level.
----
Also, Melee has ruined me as a regular person. I can't do anything casually anymore, I'm straight up hardwired to try and optimize and speed up my "movement". The biggest culprit has been typing on a TV with the remote control. Most people groan when they need to type in their wifi password using only cardinal directions and an "ok" button, but I get into my gamer stance (Leaning forward) and take on the challenge. Have you ever out-sped the auto find feature on Netflix because you were typing the title too fast? Me neither. That is my Everest.
I have my email down to a stupid fast speed. I had to do it since the days of Xbox360, and that practice has sharpened my skills and made me into the man I am today.
So why bring this all up? I don't know, it's not like I feel bad about it or anything. I guess I'm just interested in how my head works, why I like the things I do, what I did as a kid that lead me to be the guy I am now.
What's exciting, though, is that I still have so much time to develop. I'm not sure how it works, but I assume that childhood isn't the only impressionable time of my life. I can do things now, in these next five, ten, fifteen years, that will influence me the same way my 13-year old self influenced me at 23. This time I'll have the sovereignty to make my own decisions, and the maturity (hopefully!) to stick with them for a long enough time to learn from them. I can't expect this next endeavor to be successful, or even that fun for a long time, so it's just a matter of staying honest to myself and taking it one step at a time.
Oh, and sometimes finding a parking spot is like a game, but it's like beating a boss for your little cousin and you don't want to admit that it's actually hard. Last one, bringing change to a coin counter is like turning in a quest.
Alright that's enough gotta go bye.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)