The sad part is, I'm almost never right.
It's a baseline attitude. An instinct. I've been taught humility my whole life, but something inside me wants to burst out and tell everyone how great I am. I really do try to keep it down, bury it inside and never let that part of me see the light of day. I feel like a catholic gay man.
I think it's a reaction to my teenage years. Everything between 5th grade and college was a never ending cycle of self doubt and humiliation. Every step of the way was another adult (parent, teacher or coach, the big three) to tell me what I was really trying to say. Correction followed correction for eight years straight.
Then suddenly BLAM: College. And BOOM: Everyone is drunk or high all the time. People liked what I had to say, some were so fucked up that they could get therapy from a toaster. Professors respected questions and gave open-ended answers. I was getting advice from older students rather than the big three. A couple years of that, then I was a senior, and people came to me for advice. For the first time ever I had some sort of authority and knowledge that could be shared, I guess. In retrospect, It's just that everyone was goosed.
So can you really blame someone my age to act high and mighty, at least for a year or two? The college senior was a revered title since I was in elementary school, it was the peak of existence, the pinnacle of truth. There was a real feeling culminating of superiority. I had glimpses of feeling like I was the best in the world. How do you let go of that right away? The gay catholic spends a summer learning love from an older Jewish boy, then returns to the lie at home. (My mom is definitely gonna bring this gay thing up tonight)
Graduation. Pooped out into the real world. Student debt doesn't kick in for six months, lets go on a road trip. Great. You're back. Get a job, dumbass. Got a job. Cool. Why don't they respect me? Don't they know who I am?
No, you shithead, nobody knows who you are. But that's not what I was before! Didn't they see my Terps hosting gig? That was pretty good! Or my plays, I had a lead role or two! Nah bro. That was like training mode. None of that stuff really counts.
None of my current work is really going to withstand the course of time. I know that. When was the last time somebody got on a talkshow and went "Yea, this movie is great, but you should really check out my earlier work. When I was 22 I really had a great thing going. Man, if only I could be that brilliant again."
So if I could give a message to my age group, just chill the fuck out. Everything in your soul wants to come out and show the world your magical light, but you aren't ready for anyone to care. Just shut up, keep your head down, and keep working.
At least that's what \I keep hearing on podcasts. I don't really know.
Friday, December 8, 2017
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
Ramblings of a Maniacal Millennial
It's been a while since I felt the need to share what's going on with me. Not that there isn't anything to share, every week has had at least one highlight, but it's more that I just didn't feel the urge to. I've been writing consistently in my journals, I've been going to smash tournaments, I got approved for a credit card and opened up a savings account. I've had some thoughts, I guess, but nothing worth really blogging about. I don't even know what I feel like saying now!
My classes at UCB have been going really well. It's awesome to be among people that are taking 101 with me and are also better than me at sketch or improv. I know I'm improving at both, too, as well as gaining tools I can use for blah blah blah. I sound like a fuckin' mouth piece for the most successful comedy school in NYC. They don't need the publicity. Just know it's pretty damn cool.
I've found myself going to about one melee tournament a week, and they've been fairly successful. I honestly just love it so much as a hobby, and I've spent so much time on it over the years that I think I can plateau a bit without feeling like a failure. I don't know if I lost the competitive drive, really, just that I stopped having the necessity to practice like I did in the past. If there's a big event though, I'll try to start making moves to get in some games.
And that's really all I have to report. Work is going fine too, I guess I can slip that in there. It's interesting to think about all the things I want to say but I'll ultimately regret. Plans and aspirations and projects and the future. I want to talk about the path I'm on and place good judgement on it. But that's the future and it's impossible to predict. But everybody always talks about it as if it can be conjured into reality. I think for some people that works, like you envision what you want to become and through that positive thinking you take the right steps to achieve it. But more often than not a person will miss the mark, or change their mind on what they wanted to do from their twenties, or have opportunities that come up that change their life forever, or they have a kid. And I know I'm just a 22 year old making these broad assumptions on human behavior, but that's what I've been surrounded by since I was a kid. Things change.
So even though I might not be the best person to figure out our obsession with the future, I think people my age are the most important people to ask the question. What's the best way to envision our future? How do we maintain forward thinking while still being flexible to the ephemeral chaos of the world?
I suggest we take apart the value of "Past, present, and future" as a blueprint for decisions. We should replace the future with "Ideal." Perfection. Ultimate truth. Socrates says that the concept of truth is elusive and impossible, yet we must always move towards it. I think that is much more valuable than envisioning a specific job or house. What is the truth that you need to move towards?
It's a strange thought, and honestly I don't even know what it means. To stop looking towards the future is to forego simple things like laundry or painting your room. Our entire society's existence is contingent on the idea of preservation and self-awareness of death. I think what I'm getting at is when people have goals they often craft up a perfect version of themselves at the end of the tunnel, five or ten years down the line living in a sweet house with a fulfilled life and all that shit.
All I'm saying is that there's no such thing as the "Perfect self." That's an oxymoron by definition, the self is implicitly imperfect. But that doesn't mean you should strive for imperfection. Just understand the ultimate goal, the surreal understanding of what you want to be. There is no such thing as a "Perfect Comedian" at all, but Socrates would say it still exists. And you know what I always say about Socrates.
That motherfucker smart as shit!
My classes at UCB have been going really well. It's awesome to be among people that are taking 101 with me and are also better than me at sketch or improv. I know I'm improving at both, too, as well as gaining tools I can use for blah blah blah. I sound like a fuckin' mouth piece for the most successful comedy school in NYC. They don't need the publicity. Just know it's pretty damn cool.
I've found myself going to about one melee tournament a week, and they've been fairly successful. I honestly just love it so much as a hobby, and I've spent so much time on it over the years that I think I can plateau a bit without feeling like a failure. I don't know if I lost the competitive drive, really, just that I stopped having the necessity to practice like I did in the past. If there's a big event though, I'll try to start making moves to get in some games.
And that's really all I have to report. Work is going fine too, I guess I can slip that in there. It's interesting to think about all the things I want to say but I'll ultimately regret. Plans and aspirations and projects and the future. I want to talk about the path I'm on and place good judgement on it. But that's the future and it's impossible to predict. But everybody always talks about it as if it can be conjured into reality. I think for some people that works, like you envision what you want to become and through that positive thinking you take the right steps to achieve it. But more often than not a person will miss the mark, or change their mind on what they wanted to do from their twenties, or have opportunities that come up that change their life forever, or they have a kid. And I know I'm just a 22 year old making these broad assumptions on human behavior, but that's what I've been surrounded by since I was a kid. Things change.
So even though I might not be the best person to figure out our obsession with the future, I think people my age are the most important people to ask the question. What's the best way to envision our future? How do we maintain forward thinking while still being flexible to the ephemeral chaos of the world?
I suggest we take apart the value of "Past, present, and future" as a blueprint for decisions. We should replace the future with "Ideal." Perfection. Ultimate truth. Socrates says that the concept of truth is elusive and impossible, yet we must always move towards it. I think that is much more valuable than envisioning a specific job or house. What is the truth that you need to move towards?
It's a strange thought, and honestly I don't even know what it means. To stop looking towards the future is to forego simple things like laundry or painting your room. Our entire society's existence is contingent on the idea of preservation and self-awareness of death. I think what I'm getting at is when people have goals they often craft up a perfect version of themselves at the end of the tunnel, five or ten years down the line living in a sweet house with a fulfilled life and all that shit.
All I'm saying is that there's no such thing as the "Perfect self." That's an oxymoron by definition, the self is implicitly imperfect. But that doesn't mean you should strive for imperfection. Just understand the ultimate goal, the surreal understanding of what you want to be. There is no such thing as a "Perfect Comedian" at all, but Socrates would say it still exists. And you know what I always say about Socrates.
That motherfucker smart as shit!
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Laziness is a Salesman
And a really good one at that.
He's not too pushy, but stubborn. Motivated but not intense. In fact, many of his college friends were surprised he became a salesman at all. It wasn't really like him.
But he fits into the role well, and now he's at the door. He's always at the door. He won't ring the doorbell, he'll just quietly knock. All day. Every day. He doesn't care how long he waits. He knows you will come by eventually.
When you're busy it's easy to ignore him. But as soon as you stop, even for a second, you can hear his omnipotent percussion. Some people get annoyed by his presence. Others look forward to seeing him, looking over what he has to offer.
A lot of people panic. I panic sometimes, too. The second my ass hits the couch, laziness comes in. I didn't let him in, did I? How does he always know?
Half of his job is easy, he'll hand me the remote or minimize my writing software. Then he starts talking.
"Great job today." He says with a grin. "You deserve some time off."
He's so genuine, it's hard to disagree. And why would I? To tell him he's wrong is to say I'm flawed. To turn away is to admit failure. Why would I want to do that?
"This show is great. This is practically studying comedy, no?"
Shit, is he right? I've learned not to trust him, but I've heard the greats say the same thing. Is he talking to them too?
"You're not getting fat. Well, you are, but the funniest people are fat"
He's getting personal. It's okay, I tell him everything. He's my right hand man. My go-to guy. I'd hang with him all day if I could.
That's when I feel a sharp sting in my neck. Shit!
A bee zips in front of me. It screams "You're wasting time!"
It then circles around in the air until falling into my hands. It dies. I only have so many more of those guys.
My fear of death shoots me up, and I usher the salesman out the front door. "The mortalibee is right. You gotta go." I close the door behind him.
I walk upstairs and start the shower. All the while, I hear knocking.
He's not too pushy, but stubborn. Motivated but not intense. In fact, many of his college friends were surprised he became a salesman at all. It wasn't really like him.
But he fits into the role well, and now he's at the door. He's always at the door. He won't ring the doorbell, he'll just quietly knock. All day. Every day. He doesn't care how long he waits. He knows you will come by eventually.
When you're busy it's easy to ignore him. But as soon as you stop, even for a second, you can hear his omnipotent percussion. Some people get annoyed by his presence. Others look forward to seeing him, looking over what he has to offer.
A lot of people panic. I panic sometimes, too. The second my ass hits the couch, laziness comes in. I didn't let him in, did I? How does he always know?
Half of his job is easy, he'll hand me the remote or minimize my writing software. Then he starts talking.
"Great job today." He says with a grin. "You deserve some time off."
He's so genuine, it's hard to disagree. And why would I? To tell him he's wrong is to say I'm flawed. To turn away is to admit failure. Why would I want to do that?
"This show is great. This is practically studying comedy, no?"
Shit, is he right? I've learned not to trust him, but I've heard the greats say the same thing. Is he talking to them too?
"You're not getting fat. Well, you are, but the funniest people are fat"
He's getting personal. It's okay, I tell him everything. He's my right hand man. My go-to guy. I'd hang with him all day if I could.
That's when I feel a sharp sting in my neck. Shit!
A bee zips in front of me. It screams "You're wasting time!"
It then circles around in the air until falling into my hands. It dies. I only have so many more of those guys.
My fear of death shoots me up, and I usher the salesman out the front door. "The mortalibee is right. You gotta go." I close the door behind him.
I walk upstairs and start the shower. All the while, I hear knocking.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Whatever will be, will be.
It's been a great week.
I don't mean in terms of accomplishment or productivity. I was lazy as hell. I had the week off from work, so Ashley and I spent our time together and generally did nothing. I enjoyed that time very much.
This marks a shift in my priorities. Probably not a good shift by my own standards, but it has it's merits. For one, I wasn't pacing around like a manic baboon thinking about the time I was wasting and what I could be accomplishing. I was generally present and relaxed, next to my girlfriend on the couch for hours at a time.
I repeated one thing to myself over and over. If I want to do it, I will do it. A pretty reasonable approach to a week off, no? But I was thinking a little more long term. If I'm really to be a comedy writer, then I will be itching to follow that path sooner or later. I will be imbued with the NEED to create comedy. That did eventually happen, but after nearly five days. Not exactly a record.
It's a shift. College was a hectic time. It's built that way. You barely have time between priorities, everyone drinks like the grand canyon is filling up with blood, and everything I wrote had some sort of purpose. Now, in this limbo state of my early 20's, the world around me is less pressing, and I can just sort of relax for a second.
In reality, that's true. There is no rush. There's no reason to force myself too hard in any direction if I'm not interested in doing it. That sounds like that laziest thing I could say, but I need to say it so I don't jump off a bridge. I think I'm on the right track. A couple weeks ago, when I attempted to have a "Perfect Week", I was going crazy from unemployment and wanted some sort of job. I gave myself the job and teetered off the path. Now, I have other plans.
Before I talk about the future, I need to address the point of sharing. Sharing your plans and goals with everyone on the internet. I've read some articles that say, in a nutshell, it doesn't work. There's no extra motivation to accomplish something after you write a Facebook post about it. In fact, the same reward centers in your brain that fire off after a big accomplishment will activate when you simply tell someone about your plans. It's just a free win. Then, after we lose sight of the goal or move on to something else, our minds will make us feel better about it. Our brain comes up with excuses, little pivots and turns in our thinking that trick our conscious into believing we didn't back peddle.
So I'm hesitant to present my plans, but I'll keep them away from accomplishment and more into concrete agendas. First off, I have a job. I've had it for about a month, and recently my boss has agreed to essentially give me a promotion. Without the title, I would have more responsibilities and a higher paycheck. That's worth sharing, I think.
Also, as of yesterday, I am officially an enrolled student in the Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC. I will be taking a sketch writing course starting next Tuesday and I could not be more excited.
Along with that development, I've found a really cool group of people doing comedy in Suffern, NY called Rhino Comedy. I tried out their drop in improv class on Sunday and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I definitely see myself going there more in the future.
As with everything else that's going on, well, it's for another time. My priorities shift and change, but from now on I will not dictate them with my words. After all, I've been wrong before.
I don't mean in terms of accomplishment or productivity. I was lazy as hell. I had the week off from work, so Ashley and I spent our time together and generally did nothing. I enjoyed that time very much.
This marks a shift in my priorities. Probably not a good shift by my own standards, but it has it's merits. For one, I wasn't pacing around like a manic baboon thinking about the time I was wasting and what I could be accomplishing. I was generally present and relaxed, next to my girlfriend on the couch for hours at a time.
I repeated one thing to myself over and over. If I want to do it, I will do it. A pretty reasonable approach to a week off, no? But I was thinking a little more long term. If I'm really to be a comedy writer, then I will be itching to follow that path sooner or later. I will be imbued with the NEED to create comedy. That did eventually happen, but after nearly five days. Not exactly a record.
It's a shift. College was a hectic time. It's built that way. You barely have time between priorities, everyone drinks like the grand canyon is filling up with blood, and everything I wrote had some sort of purpose. Now, in this limbo state of my early 20's, the world around me is less pressing, and I can just sort of relax for a second.
In reality, that's true. There is no rush. There's no reason to force myself too hard in any direction if I'm not interested in doing it. That sounds like that laziest thing I could say, but I need to say it so I don't jump off a bridge. I think I'm on the right track. A couple weeks ago, when I attempted to have a "Perfect Week", I was going crazy from unemployment and wanted some sort of job. I gave myself the job and teetered off the path. Now, I have other plans.
Before I talk about the future, I need to address the point of sharing. Sharing your plans and goals with everyone on the internet. I've read some articles that say, in a nutshell, it doesn't work. There's no extra motivation to accomplish something after you write a Facebook post about it. In fact, the same reward centers in your brain that fire off after a big accomplishment will activate when you simply tell someone about your plans. It's just a free win. Then, after we lose sight of the goal or move on to something else, our minds will make us feel better about it. Our brain comes up with excuses, little pivots and turns in our thinking that trick our conscious into believing we didn't back peddle.
So I'm hesitant to present my plans, but I'll keep them away from accomplishment and more into concrete agendas. First off, I have a job. I've had it for about a month, and recently my boss has agreed to essentially give me a promotion. Without the title, I would have more responsibilities and a higher paycheck. That's worth sharing, I think.
Also, as of yesterday, I am officially an enrolled student in the Upright Citizens Brigade in NYC. I will be taking a sketch writing course starting next Tuesday and I could not be more excited.
Along with that development, I've found a really cool group of people doing comedy in Suffern, NY called Rhino Comedy. I tried out their drop in improv class on Sunday and thoroughly enjoyed it, so I definitely see myself going there more in the future.
As with everything else that's going on, well, it's for another time. My priorities shift and change, but from now on I will not dictate them with my words. After all, I've been wrong before.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Top 10 Wholesome Jackass Stunts
Jackass has been a part of our daily lives since we were kids, and for good reason. Nowhere else on television or film were the most brilliant minds of our generation congregated to explore the human condition in such easily consumable, 2-3 minute sessions. In these stunts we learned about courage, love and loss. Most of all, we just felt good watching them. Our researchers have crafted a secret algorithm that found the top 10 most wholesome Jackass stunts. Warning, reading this list will fill you with a sense of nostalgia and just might make you shed some tears!
10. The 50-Egg challenge
Season 1, Episode 4
Nothing more American than a good ol' fashioned hard boiled egg eating challenge, and Jackass was the first show to realize it. Preston, Chris, and Stephanie sat in front of 50 delicious, wholesome hard boiled eggs. These contestants tried the best they could, but sadly were unable to finish the wonderful amount of 50 hard boiled eggs. Me and my family cherish the splendid memory of the contestants projectile vomiting over each other after 21, 8, and 3 eggs respectively.
9. Fisherman's Wharf
Season 2, Episode 7
How often have we wondered what it would be like to be put into a vat of freezing cold sardines? When nobody else seemed willing to take up the fun little challenge, Ryan Dunn was there. Now, I know that many of us would have jumped with joy into a cramped container filled with 32 degree water and smelly fish, but only Jackass could provide closure with their resources and limitless imagination. Luckily for Mr. Dunn, he smelled like fish for hours after the stunt, giving him a constant reminder of a pleasant afternoon.
8. Cow Insemination
Season 2, Episode 2
Babies. Nature. The circle of life. Just a couple of the educational topics touched on by the inspiring staff at Jackass. In this segment Johnny Knoxville goes hand deep into the beauty of animal husbandry, showing us that there's nothing disgusting at all about being a farmer. Some television shows out there rely on shock factor and dirty words, but what makes Jackass so special is it's ability to turn all that away and focus on good old fashioned segments about impregnating a cow by hand. Truly remarkable.
7. Butt Piercing
Season 2, Episode 3
Life is about taking risks. To move forward without hesitation. Jackass embodies these values more than anything else in the world ever made ever. Steve-O shows us his inspiring bravery in the third episode of season 2, when he makes the powerful decision to piece his butt cheeks together. Now, not everybody thinks this is possible, and several of his friends tell him so. Steve-O takes a stand for what he believes in and gets them pierced anyway, showing the world that if you truly want something then you should never back down or let others get in your way. After proving that the impossible was, in fact, possible, he got the piercing removed only minutes after it was put in. He's not crazy, after all!
6.Woodchipper
Season 3, Episode 1
Often times I find myself struggling through life. Sometimes it's just hard, I feel overwhelmed and just shut down completely, unable to continue. It's times like these that I think back to the most inspiring Jackass skit ever made: Woodchipper. The late, great Ryan Dunn stands in front of an industrial woodchipper as the rest of the crew feeds it with a myriad of food, clothes, paint, etc. Whenever my life is crashing around me and I can't go on, I think back to the tenacity shown by one of Jackass's greatest talents, and everything seems okay. When I stay in bed until the late afternoon, I think back to Ryan getting back on his feet after a rotten squid knocked him to the ground, and I get enough motivation to make myself breakfast at 3pm.
5. Electric Avenue
Jackass 3D
Theres nothing I love more than when the entire Jackass crew comes together and takes on a stunt as a team. In Jackass 3D the boys make their way down a hallway with active tazers and cattle prods hanging from the ceiling, tires on the floor, and love in their hearts. The quad seems to hesitate for a few seconds after the skit begins, presumably to silently pray in the hopes that their friends will pass through safely. Just then Bam and Ehren take the lead and charge through the electrified obstacle course. The leadership shown by these brave men, and the outstanding teamwork of the men to follow, are an inspiring lesson in facing your fears and working together with the people you trust. Next time I'm in a team building exercise I will make sure to show this clip and teach the lessons Jackass has immortalized through film.
4. Beehive Tetherball
Jackass 3D
Steve-O and Dave England take a little break from their stunts and shenanigans to play a game of tetherball! Of course, this is Jackass, so they need to make it slightly more educational than a simple schoolyard pastime. They added bees into a hive-sized ball and hit that around the pole, teaching us the invaluable lesson that bees are dying at an increasing and alarming rate. As Dave runs away in fear, the concept of Colony Collapse Disorder resonates through his retreat and permeates in our brains, convincing us that we must find a solution soon or the whole world will suffer. As Steve-O sticks around to finish the tetherball game, he shows us that there is hope and we must hang in there to figure all this madness out. A truly inspired piece.
3. Poo Cocktail
Season 1, Episode 1
Poo Cocktail is most elegantly described on the unofficial Jackass Wikipedia page:
"Over the course of a day, various crew members and members of the public take a dump in the portaloo. Johnny phones up his doctor to find out if he needs any immunization or protection during the stunt. To top it off, one of the crew members brings a bag full of dog shit from his two Pit Bull Terriers and empties it into the toilet."
10. The 50-Egg challenge
Season 1, Episode 4
Nothing more American than a good ol' fashioned hard boiled egg eating challenge, and Jackass was the first show to realize it. Preston, Chris, and Stephanie sat in front of 50 delicious, wholesome hard boiled eggs. These contestants tried the best they could, but sadly were unable to finish the wonderful amount of 50 hard boiled eggs. Me and my family cherish the splendid memory of the contestants projectile vomiting over each other after 21, 8, and 3 eggs respectively.
9. Fisherman's Wharf
Season 2, Episode 7
How often have we wondered what it would be like to be put into a vat of freezing cold sardines? When nobody else seemed willing to take up the fun little challenge, Ryan Dunn was there. Now, I know that many of us would have jumped with joy into a cramped container filled with 32 degree water and smelly fish, but only Jackass could provide closure with their resources and limitless imagination. Luckily for Mr. Dunn, he smelled like fish for hours after the stunt, giving him a constant reminder of a pleasant afternoon.
8. Cow Insemination
Season 2, Episode 2
Babies. Nature. The circle of life. Just a couple of the educational topics touched on by the inspiring staff at Jackass. In this segment Johnny Knoxville goes hand deep into the beauty of animal husbandry, showing us that there's nothing disgusting at all about being a farmer. Some television shows out there rely on shock factor and dirty words, but what makes Jackass so special is it's ability to turn all that away and focus on good old fashioned segments about impregnating a cow by hand. Truly remarkable.
7. Butt Piercing
Season 2, Episode 3
Life is about taking risks. To move forward without hesitation. Jackass embodies these values more than anything else in the world ever made ever. Steve-O shows us his inspiring bravery in the third episode of season 2, when he makes the powerful decision to piece his butt cheeks together. Now, not everybody thinks this is possible, and several of his friends tell him so. Steve-O takes a stand for what he believes in and gets them pierced anyway, showing the world that if you truly want something then you should never back down or let others get in your way. After proving that the impossible was, in fact, possible, he got the piercing removed only minutes after it was put in. He's not crazy, after all!
6.Woodchipper
Season 3, Episode 1
Often times I find myself struggling through life. Sometimes it's just hard, I feel overwhelmed and just shut down completely, unable to continue. It's times like these that I think back to the most inspiring Jackass skit ever made: Woodchipper. The late, great Ryan Dunn stands in front of an industrial woodchipper as the rest of the crew feeds it with a myriad of food, clothes, paint, etc. Whenever my life is crashing around me and I can't go on, I think back to the tenacity shown by one of Jackass's greatest talents, and everything seems okay. When I stay in bed until the late afternoon, I think back to Ryan getting back on his feet after a rotten squid knocked him to the ground, and I get enough motivation to make myself breakfast at 3pm.
5. Electric Avenue
Jackass 3D
Theres nothing I love more than when the entire Jackass crew comes together and takes on a stunt as a team. In Jackass 3D the boys make their way down a hallway with active tazers and cattle prods hanging from the ceiling, tires on the floor, and love in their hearts. The quad seems to hesitate for a few seconds after the skit begins, presumably to silently pray in the hopes that their friends will pass through safely. Just then Bam and Ehren take the lead and charge through the electrified obstacle course. The leadership shown by these brave men, and the outstanding teamwork of the men to follow, are an inspiring lesson in facing your fears and working together with the people you trust. Next time I'm in a team building exercise I will make sure to show this clip and teach the lessons Jackass has immortalized through film.
4. Beehive Tetherball
Jackass 3D
Steve-O and Dave England take a little break from their stunts and shenanigans to play a game of tetherball! Of course, this is Jackass, so they need to make it slightly more educational than a simple schoolyard pastime. They added bees into a hive-sized ball and hit that around the pole, teaching us the invaluable lesson that bees are dying at an increasing and alarming rate. As Dave runs away in fear, the concept of Colony Collapse Disorder resonates through his retreat and permeates in our brains, convincing us that we must find a solution soon or the whole world will suffer. As Steve-O sticks around to finish the tetherball game, he shows us that there is hope and we must hang in there to figure all this madness out. A truly inspired piece.
3. Poo Cocktail
Season 1, Episode 1
Poo Cocktail is most elegantly described on the unofficial Jackass Wikipedia page:
"Over the course of a day, various crew members and members of the public take a dump in the portaloo. Johnny phones up his doctor to find out if he needs any immunization or protection during the stunt. To top it off, one of the crew members brings a bag full of dog shit from his two Pit Bull Terriers and empties it into the toilet."
This stunt is the epitome of class. Johnny is diligent in showing his safety precautions. Cute dogs come into the story. What I love most of all is the how the actors and crew alike come together and make a stunt more than a spectacle. They make it personal.
2.Poo Cocktail Supreme
Jackass 3D
In a revamp of a stunt from their original episode, Steve-O gets flung 150 feet into the air inside a porta-potty. Following his journey's apex, the poo-pod comes back to earth and bounces a few times with the bungie cord, spilling some sort of brown liquid on Steve. Mr. -O doesn't seem to agree with this concoction, and immediately vomits on himself. I will say, this section of the show is a tad difficult to watch, and isn't exactly appropriate for some bitch ass kids. However, the show has one of it's most touching moments when Steve-O, reeling from a near death experience, goes to hug a cameraman. The two run off into the horizon to lead a beautiful life together, and just that moment makes this stunt number 2 on our most wholesome Jackass stunts.
1.Steve-O becomes a drug addict and almost loses his life.
True Life: Jackass
The most wholesome story in the Jackass narrative has got to be Steve-O's transition from a fun loving, durable clown to a withering shell filled with booze and hard drugs. In the early years of Jackass, when they were still getting their footing, I always had a suspicion that Steve-O's character had some evolving to do. He had spirit, but there was something missing. What was missing, apparently, was whippets. After diving into a several-month long bender of nitrous, PCP, and Ketamine, Steve-O was finally a complete character with a real arc we could get behind. The great actor that he was, Steve-O fully immersed himself into the character of a man withing inches of death. Strangely enough, the show runners decided not to air any footage of Steve-O abusing drugs off camera. Most of this information actually came years later, when Mr. -O made a documentary of his time in the show and pits of addiction. Regardless of how we came to know this story, it goes without saying that it delivered endless positive, fluttery, wholesome emotions that Jackass is known for.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Perfect week? No such thing.
Not exactly a perfect week. But I'll go easy on myself.
It started off well. I accomplished nearly all my goals for the first few days, except for the time editing the documentary (scheduling time for this is somewhat complicated, since I don't have the means to edit at my home.) It feels good to exercise and write daily, but soon I fell into enjoying the 'afterglow' too much and neglecting the work that put me there. No real issue, though, as I'm back to writing after a two day break.
In the past it would have been an issue for me. If you care enough to look through the earlier entries of this blog, I spend a lot of time writing about writing and getting back on track. Those were always my least favorite days, and the idea of doing yet another post talking in circles put me on edge and led to me procrastinating. God, I'm doing it again. I feel like I'm just a snake eating itself.
I'm stuck wondering why I couldn't finish a perfect week. This is a great opportunity to condemn myself, to fall into despair or self loathing. I think a less fortunate person, somebody in a less supportive environment, or with true financial problems, health problems, etc. would have a tougher time climbing out of this mindset. It's times of failure and reflection that leaves me grateful for how many safety nets I have that I didn't earn myself. I would say this is my privilege, but that word has been so heavily politicized that I now expect immediate backlash from my more right leaning family members. Fuck it, I have privilege. #feelthebern2016
Changing the topic, this Saturday brought me to a Melee tournament in NYC. I went in with almost no expectations for myself, or real plans for the day. I was sponsored last minute by my mother who felt like I deserved a tournament, which gave me a different mindset than most tournaments I enter.
I got 9th out of 63 entrants, a modest placing but better than my seeding. I made an upset in winners before losing twice in a row. In pools, I took the eventual 2nd place player to game 3. Overall, I'm just about where I want to be, but I wouldn't call it a breakout performance by any means.
After losing, I was settled but not satisfied. I got wobbled in winners (0-3 to sunn, great player) and lost a tight game 5 set to Lumble, a luigi player. I feel confident that on any day I have the capacity to beat both of these players, but yesterday was not that day. I'm happy with my continuous improvement with the game, and will continue to work towards improving my results.
I like how this melee thing works, honestly. It seems like a similar path for comedians coming up, in terms of finding success. Every day, you put your best foot forward and show people what you have been working towards. If you stand out enough, you make some money in the long run. If not, there's the capacity to embarrass yourself and question why you came out at all. Afterwards, friends get together to talk about their performances and things they need to work on. Respect is given to those on top. The best players get together outside of tournaments to play and work on stuff together. Its a brilliant combination of community and meritocracy. I'm not quite in a stand up community, but if it's half as accommodating as the melee scene, then I can't wait to join them.
Well, my dog is barking at me now, so I'll wrap this up and take her out. I want to thank everyone who reads these and takes the time to send me feedback or praise, it really makes the whole idea of these things worth it. Not sure when I'll be back, but if something important comes up I know where I'll be writing.
P.S I have officially changed my tag from Poonslayer7 to JD Gardner. I don't need your approval.
It started off well. I accomplished nearly all my goals for the first few days, except for the time editing the documentary (scheduling time for this is somewhat complicated, since I don't have the means to edit at my home.) It feels good to exercise and write daily, but soon I fell into enjoying the 'afterglow' too much and neglecting the work that put me there. No real issue, though, as I'm back to writing after a two day break.
In the past it would have been an issue for me. If you care enough to look through the earlier entries of this blog, I spend a lot of time writing about writing and getting back on track. Those were always my least favorite days, and the idea of doing yet another post talking in circles put me on edge and led to me procrastinating. God, I'm doing it again. I feel like I'm just a snake eating itself.
I'm stuck wondering why I couldn't finish a perfect week. This is a great opportunity to condemn myself, to fall into despair or self loathing. I think a less fortunate person, somebody in a less supportive environment, or with true financial problems, health problems, etc. would have a tougher time climbing out of this mindset. It's times of failure and reflection that leaves me grateful for how many safety nets I have that I didn't earn myself. I would say this is my privilege, but that word has been so heavily politicized that I now expect immediate backlash from my more right leaning family members. Fuck it, I have privilege. #feelthebern2016
Changing the topic, this Saturday brought me to a Melee tournament in NYC. I went in with almost no expectations for myself, or real plans for the day. I was sponsored last minute by my mother who felt like I deserved a tournament, which gave me a different mindset than most tournaments I enter.
I got 9th out of 63 entrants, a modest placing but better than my seeding. I made an upset in winners before losing twice in a row. In pools, I took the eventual 2nd place player to game 3. Overall, I'm just about where I want to be, but I wouldn't call it a breakout performance by any means.
After losing, I was settled but not satisfied. I got wobbled in winners (0-3 to sunn, great player) and lost a tight game 5 set to Lumble, a luigi player. I feel confident that on any day I have the capacity to beat both of these players, but yesterday was not that day. I'm happy with my continuous improvement with the game, and will continue to work towards improving my results.
I like how this melee thing works, honestly. It seems like a similar path for comedians coming up, in terms of finding success. Every day, you put your best foot forward and show people what you have been working towards. If you stand out enough, you make some money in the long run. If not, there's the capacity to embarrass yourself and question why you came out at all. Afterwards, friends get together to talk about their performances and things they need to work on. Respect is given to those on top. The best players get together outside of tournaments to play and work on stuff together. Its a brilliant combination of community and meritocracy. I'm not quite in a stand up community, but if it's half as accommodating as the melee scene, then I can't wait to join them.
Well, my dog is barking at me now, so I'll wrap this up and take her out. I want to thank everyone who reads these and takes the time to send me feedback or praise, it really makes the whole idea of these things worth it. Not sure when I'll be back, but if something important comes up I know where I'll be writing.
P.S I have officially changed my tag from Poonslayer7 to JD Gardner. I don't need your approval.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
The Perfect Week, Day 1
Labor day is behind us at last, and the academic year has started at my Alma mater. I've heard from grad friends that the months after college are the strangest ones, but now that I'm living it I gotta say, I'm not a fan. This summer I was able to distract myself from the grinding agony of job searches with two vacations and television, but now my road stretches long into the horizon and I have nothing to reach for.
That's bullshit, of course. I'm looking for jobs, although I just started and need to send out 100 more before I join the "looking for jobs sucks" club. I can write anything I want now, which is both exciting and terrifying. I have all day to exercise, practice melee, write a one man show, look for a career, etc. but all that stuff is intimidating when there's nothing pushing me to do it.
I guess I just gotta push myself. So I came up with the idea of a "Perfect Week"
Have you ever sat in the shower after waking up at 3pm and thought out the most productive way you could lead your life? I'm sure I'm not alone, I think about it all the time. Wake up super early, go for a run and lift weights at home, eat a healthy breakfast while I write brilliant comedy and ease into lunch by practicing smash bros. Finish multiple projects, get a phone call from the mayor, save my neighbor's children from a burning building and make love to the moon. That life sounds pretty sweet, no?
Well, to make it realistic, I gotta cut back on some stuff. But even after you take away the moon affair and saving the kids (after a few fires the neighbors probably suspect me anyway) you still have a crazy productive day. My goal this week is to make it perfect, and this is how I'm gonna do it.
Daily Goals:
1. Never sleep more than 8.5 hours. Oversleeping been the biggest killer this summer for me, and weirdly enough I actually think I'm a morning person. Everything else will fall into place as long as I can make this a habit. Well, that and...
2. Exercise. I always think about getting back into shape, but I never make a good enough habit of it. Honestly, the biggest obstacle for this has been the laundry aspect. If I can work out for a week, maybe I can get enough energy to, you know, just do the goddamn laundry.
3. Write for 1.5 hours a day. And set a timer so I know it's legit. Forcing creativity is a challenging goal, and there are a ton of distractions out there that have been keeping me from my daily dose of comedy, but for one week I need to give it a shot.
4. Practice Melee for 1.5 hours. I went on a trip for a month, came back, and took a much needed break. Now it's time to take a fresh look at the game with everything I've learned and apply it. Don't know when my next tournament will be, but I'm looking to kick ass no matter where it is.
5. Edit documentary for 2 hours. We haven't started the editing process yet, but today is the day. For one week Alex and I will be getting together for 2 hours to start chipping away at this behemoth of a project. We have given ourselves a generous deadline of 4 months, but realistically there's not a ton of pressure to finish it. We just need to put our feet on the pavement and hammer it out.
Goals for end of the week
The way I see it, there are two types of goals. Tangible, and Intangible. I'm sure there's some self help book out there that has a similar theory but is worded way better. haven't read any self help books, though so this is what I got.
Tangible Goals
20 Minutes of One man show material, typed.
14 hours of footage sifted through, organized.
Basement (My future living space) Painted
All laundry done
Intangible Goals
Develop better sleeping habits
Have more energy
Become a better Melee player
Be less attached to phone/social media/mobile games
General self pride and accomplishement
Now that I've listed it all out, I gotta make sure I pull this off. I already woke up today and did my first bit of writing, but now's time for the hardest part, the run.
Wish me luck. Also, if you have any ideas of stuff to add to the list please feel free. Thanks for reading!
That's bullshit, of course. I'm looking for jobs, although I just started and need to send out 100 more before I join the "looking for jobs sucks" club. I can write anything I want now, which is both exciting and terrifying. I have all day to exercise, practice melee, write a one man show, look for a career, etc. but all that stuff is intimidating when there's nothing pushing me to do it.
I guess I just gotta push myself. So I came up with the idea of a "Perfect Week"
Have you ever sat in the shower after waking up at 3pm and thought out the most productive way you could lead your life? I'm sure I'm not alone, I think about it all the time. Wake up super early, go for a run and lift weights at home, eat a healthy breakfast while I write brilliant comedy and ease into lunch by practicing smash bros. Finish multiple projects, get a phone call from the mayor, save my neighbor's children from a burning building and make love to the moon. That life sounds pretty sweet, no?
Well, to make it realistic, I gotta cut back on some stuff. But even after you take away the moon affair and saving the kids (after a few fires the neighbors probably suspect me anyway) you still have a crazy productive day. My goal this week is to make it perfect, and this is how I'm gonna do it.
Daily Goals:
1. Never sleep more than 8.5 hours. Oversleeping been the biggest killer this summer for me, and weirdly enough I actually think I'm a morning person. Everything else will fall into place as long as I can make this a habit. Well, that and...
2. Exercise. I always think about getting back into shape, but I never make a good enough habit of it. Honestly, the biggest obstacle for this has been the laundry aspect. If I can work out for a week, maybe I can get enough energy to, you know, just do the goddamn laundry.
3. Write for 1.5 hours a day. And set a timer so I know it's legit. Forcing creativity is a challenging goal, and there are a ton of distractions out there that have been keeping me from my daily dose of comedy, but for one week I need to give it a shot.
4. Practice Melee for 1.5 hours. I went on a trip for a month, came back, and took a much needed break. Now it's time to take a fresh look at the game with everything I've learned and apply it. Don't know when my next tournament will be, but I'm looking to kick ass no matter where it is.
5. Edit documentary for 2 hours. We haven't started the editing process yet, but today is the day. For one week Alex and I will be getting together for 2 hours to start chipping away at this behemoth of a project. We have given ourselves a generous deadline of 4 months, but realistically there's not a ton of pressure to finish it. We just need to put our feet on the pavement and hammer it out.
Goals for end of the week
The way I see it, there are two types of goals. Tangible, and Intangible. I'm sure there's some self help book out there that has a similar theory but is worded way better. haven't read any self help books, though so this is what I got.
Tangible Goals
20 Minutes of One man show material, typed.
14 hours of footage sifted through, organized.
Basement (My future living space) Painted
All laundry done
Intangible Goals
Develop better sleeping habits
Have more energy
Become a better Melee player
Be less attached to phone/social media/mobile games
General self pride and accomplishement
Now that I've listed it all out, I gotta make sure I pull this off. I already woke up today and did my first bit of writing, but now's time for the hardest part, the run.
Wish me luck. Also, if you have any ideas of stuff to add to the list please feel free. Thanks for reading!
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