It’s another one of those days where I find myself absolutely mainlining Gary Vee. He’s a growing force right now, so I don’t really feel the need to explain him that deeply.
It’s a great way to get inspired. If you’re reading this and not watching his stuff, you’ve picked the lesser option. Unless you’re my parents, who Im sure are reading this, I bet that you’d like him more than me. I promise you that you’ll enjoy him more. Writing about him is the definitition of derivative. What’s coming is just my inexperienced ass funneling his message after utterly devouring 3 hours of his content. It’s a pretty fun head space to be in.
I’m also loaded up on a Dunkin Donuts frozen coffee right now, a hot(heh) mess of caffeine and sugar which is essentially the missing evolutionary link between a Frosty and a Frappuccino.
Enough product placement. Until I get paid for it.
Gary Vee’s influence is powerful. His message is inspiring and built from honesty. It encapsulates the American dream and entrepreneurial (holy shit I spelt that on the first try) spirit.
He speaks often of his journey in his 20’s and the advantage of youth.
It makes me believe that the work I’m doing now is important. It makes me sincerely connect with the work that I’m doing, and the idea that things don’t need to happen quickly to happen at all. He resonates with me, and obviously many other people, in a very special way that hasn’t felt to have been reached before.
I feel satisfied with saying that. Now, the excitement from the videos have finished spilling out from my coffers, and I’m left with only my own thoughts. Maybe I just needed another sip of Dunkin Donuts Caffeine Milkshake. These things should be illegal. They hit me like an old 4 loko.
I’ve just been on a little streak of self doubt lately. Not about my work ethic, or the value of my work, but just the ways I’ve been expecting my life to turn out. The fluidity of plans and goals is a tricky subject - it sticks in my skull like the last drops in a bottle of water.
The dichotomy kills me. I’m told to envision my future clearly in order to achieve my goals (The Secret, right? I’ve never actually read it.) as well as to submit to the idea of not knowing what the future holds. Ambition and Buddhism.
I’m sure this isn’t the only thing bogging me down lately, it’s just the strongest and clearest at the moment. Another one is this; I’m insecure about my place in trying to speak about the world. I can’t believe - or maybe just don’t want to believe - that I know about what I’m talking when I look towards my future. It needs to be that way. In the same vein, how can I turn around and create content, especially for a brand that promotes healthy living and choosing the right path?
So I turn inward. I think - okay, I’m self aware enough to not tell people how they should live their life, that’s great. My first way to pivot from that was to create comedy, and so far I think that path is valid. As I continued with this, though, I began to grow more concerned about our lack of message. Not just what we are trying to sell, but what are we trying to say? I tapped into the internet frequently on information about our products, advice on being healthier, tricks on “biohacking” or nootropics or anything at all related to productivity. Now that I think of it, I’ve been interested in this stuff for a while, I just haven’t really stepped on the gas in implementing. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m still not there.
I think this all stems from my usual place of anxiety. It seems like my anxiety for a while now hasn’t just been about expressing myself, but more accurately a pain coming from a latent or undernourished ambition. I’m struggling to express this clearly, so bear with me.
When I get anxious, I can usually trace it back to a slow down, or sometimes a complete shut-down, of my writing. It’s been that way for about 5 years now, honestly. Only 2 years ago did I make the decision to start putting it on the internet.
Writing this blog was the best feeling in the world when I started. I made it a month long challenge to myself where I would wake up early (9am?), do some mild exercise, practice melee for 2 hours (I’ve never trained this hard before or since) then walk to the library and write for 45 minutes on their computers. I honestly remember nothing else from that summer, or even if I worked, but the time spent in front of the CRT and desktop made me a much better player and writer. Who knows where I’d be if it weren’t for that month.
**Okay, just checked this. I wrote for about 2.5 weeks, not a month. Embarrassed at my selective memory.
If I were to do that same month now, I don’t know if I would ward off my anxiety. Not entirely, anyway. I’d like to think I would pull it off, since I do believe that took some solid discipline, even for an unemployed and primed college student full of sperm and ego. (Sorry, parents. But don’t act like you don’t know about sperm)
The simultaneously great-and-shitty part about ambition is that it’s exponential. It feeds and grows on itself, as well as feeds your skills and career. I should foster my ambition for this reason, since It helps so many parts of my life, but I’m honestly scared of how much it will hurt when I’m unable to put in the work.
That doesn’t feel like a proper fear. I don’t think I actually fear my ambition growing. Moreso my ego, or self awareness, or patience. Over Ambition isn’t a problem if I allow myself to fail, recognize that I failed and why I failed, and take those failures with a constitution that allows me to continue and keep enjoying the process.
What I really hope to gain isn’t just ambition, it’s the self awareness of my true value. How good am I really - not only overall, but compared to the work I was providing a year ago. How do I know I’m improving? In what way can I seriously measure success, or progress towards my next goal?
And that brings me back to Gary. He didn’t know. In his words he “ate shit” throughout his twenties and enjoyed the process of it all. I think it all boils down to that. That can be my mantra for now.
It got me to write this, didn’t it?
There. I feel it again. It’s exactly how I felt 2 years ago, when this blog was just a valve for my shitty ambition-noxide to escape. I gotta make sure to twist it every now and then. And trust the process.
Thank you, Gary.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Friday, August 3, 2018
"The good word of effort, persistence, and self reflection"
Sharing stuff is scary. I don't know if that will ever change. It will diminish, sure. I've seen that already for the ~6 years I've experienced stand up, or the 1 year of this whole thing.
I've been inspired by some strong internet personalities recently. I honestly thought they were all bullshit. I think everybody has some experience like this, we instinctively and understandably block out the majority of media blasting in our face 24/7, then finally something slips in that connects with us.
That man was Gary Vaynerchuk, an entrepreneur and motivational speaker that preaches the good word of effort. persistence, and self reflection. He is a non-stop machine of productivity, always creating content and documenting his conversations with aspiring young entrepreneurs.
He has Jesus like qualities to him, if Jesus lived and thrived in the post capitalist era. He's prolific, he travels the country, he preaches his word and has a long line of documentation behind him. I'm not saying this dude is the second coming of Christ, but there is a truth that he inhibits every day that embodies some of that spirit, at least in my eyes. The dude is mindful as hell. It's really something else, go check him out.
One thing he does is publish an 'obnoxious' amount of content -- those are his words. A google search show a Youtube channel, updated daily. Checking his Snapchat and Instagram reveal a constant barrage of vlogs, interviews, excerpts of other clips, and so on. The man is on a constant grind, to put it simply. To me, he is on a spiritual journey, albeit an incredibly public and profitable one. The truth is still there, though.
I wonder what happens to a person like this -- in their head, I mean. He is consistently on message, logical and pragmatic, but at the same time he's kind and compassionate to the aspiring folk he talks to. This kindness could be perceived as arrogance when he tells somebody they're being lazy, but ultimately you can tell it's a kind of "tough love" situation. No matter how he treats those to which he speaks, Gary V. seems entirely honest and present. Maybe Jesus wasn't exactly on point. Gary Vaynerchuck seems almost buddhist.
He is definitely not, let's be clear. The dude wants to own the Jets. His mantra is literally to be worth a Billion Dollars. I really doubt there's a coalition of bald Taiwanese men sitting around going "OhhmmmmmmmMONEY." So he's not Buddhist per say, not by a long shot. But the practice of mindfulness is a serious quality of Buddhism, no? A large portion of Gary's videos give evidence to him in a sort of trance-like flow state. Maybe I'm completely off base here, I have no real clue about what goes into Buddhism, but I like the narrative of this person combining powerful aspects of different religions.
So, who's to say the spirit of Buddhism doesn't preside inside this man?
What really matters is how this affects me. I like his message. I like it a lot.
If I could ask him one question, it would be this. How do I expand and fill my Creativity Tank, metaphorically speaking, as quickly and efficiently as possible? What steps did you take to get over hurdles of mental fatigue? Have you ever had a new creative project satiate the inner drive that powers the rest of your projects?
I think it would be a cool goal to meet him one day and ask the question directly to the man himself. Actually, I guess the real goal would be to explain to him how I answered the question on my own accord, by looking to him as a lighthouse through the fog. In a way, I think asking him the question would hurt more than help me. Teach a man to fish, right?
Maybe this blog is the solution. I've said it before, but expanding and delivering on this blog could be a cool little endeavor. That's probably what Gary V would do. Create as much as possible. Document the journey, don't pretend to know shit about shit.
I just can't get complacent. Today, I'm going to push until I'm seriously and utterly depleted.
Thanks for reading this far. I hope you guys can follow my day-job creative gig going on at Vigorpath.com. It's a brand new website started by my company that sells beauty and health goods, along with a blog that I manage. We have new content every Wednesday, as well as daily posts on Facebook and Twitter that I manage as well. We are officially up and running!
I've been inspired by some strong internet personalities recently. I honestly thought they were all bullshit. I think everybody has some experience like this, we instinctively and understandably block out the majority of media blasting in our face 24/7, then finally something slips in that connects with us.
That man was Gary Vaynerchuk, an entrepreneur and motivational speaker that preaches the good word of effort. persistence, and self reflection. He is a non-stop machine of productivity, always creating content and documenting his conversations with aspiring young entrepreneurs.
He has Jesus like qualities to him, if Jesus lived and thrived in the post capitalist era. He's prolific, he travels the country, he preaches his word and has a long line of documentation behind him. I'm not saying this dude is the second coming of Christ, but there is a truth that he inhibits every day that embodies some of that spirit, at least in my eyes. The dude is mindful as hell. It's really something else, go check him out.
One thing he does is publish an 'obnoxious' amount of content -- those are his words. A google search show a Youtube channel, updated daily. Checking his Snapchat and Instagram reveal a constant barrage of vlogs, interviews, excerpts of other clips, and so on. The man is on a constant grind, to put it simply. To me, he is on a spiritual journey, albeit an incredibly public and profitable one. The truth is still there, though.
I wonder what happens to a person like this -- in their head, I mean. He is consistently on message, logical and pragmatic, but at the same time he's kind and compassionate to the aspiring folk he talks to. This kindness could be perceived as arrogance when he tells somebody they're being lazy, but ultimately you can tell it's a kind of "tough love" situation. No matter how he treats those to which he speaks, Gary V. seems entirely honest and present. Maybe Jesus wasn't exactly on point. Gary Vaynerchuck seems almost buddhist.
He is definitely not, let's be clear. The dude wants to own the Jets. His mantra is literally to be worth a Billion Dollars. I really doubt there's a coalition of bald Taiwanese men sitting around going "OhhmmmmmmmMONEY." So he's not Buddhist per say, not by a long shot. But the practice of mindfulness is a serious quality of Buddhism, no? A large portion of Gary's videos give evidence to him in a sort of trance-like flow state. Maybe I'm completely off base here, I have no real clue about what goes into Buddhism, but I like the narrative of this person combining powerful aspects of different religions.
So, who's to say the spirit of Buddhism doesn't preside inside this man?
What really matters is how this affects me. I like his message. I like it a lot.
If I could ask him one question, it would be this. How do I expand and fill my Creativity Tank, metaphorically speaking, as quickly and efficiently as possible? What steps did you take to get over hurdles of mental fatigue? Have you ever had a new creative project satiate the inner drive that powers the rest of your projects?
I think it would be a cool goal to meet him one day and ask the question directly to the man himself. Actually, I guess the real goal would be to explain to him how I answered the question on my own accord, by looking to him as a lighthouse through the fog. In a way, I think asking him the question would hurt more than help me. Teach a man to fish, right?
Maybe this blog is the solution. I've said it before, but expanding and delivering on this blog could be a cool little endeavor. That's probably what Gary V would do. Create as much as possible. Document the journey, don't pretend to know shit about shit.
I just can't get complacent. Today, I'm going to push until I'm seriously and utterly depleted.
Thanks for reading this far. I hope you guys can follow my day-job creative gig going on at Vigorpath.com. It's a brand new website started by my company that sells beauty and health goods, along with a blog that I manage. We have new content every Wednesday, as well as daily posts on Facebook and Twitter that I manage as well. We are officially up and running!
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
Morning Pages v.3000
I take solace in knowing 100% of artists, performers, writers, comedians, banjo players and hypnotists have been in the exact situation that I am in now. What sucks is knowing that every successful person has suffered in this sense, and that I am in no way out of that suffering. When I start to feel self-pity it leads to something like this, a somber self reflection and attempt at creative productivity. It’s really all the same stuff, now, with the rare exception that gets thrown out into the half-monster-half-internet portal for the world to view and judge and ignore. It’s a struggle, constantly shaming myself for missed opportunities while searching frantically for my bootstraps, with which I might pull myself up. It’s an expectation that feels like it comes from me, but is it really? It’s… my parents, no? Is there any such thing as truly intrinsic motivation, or have I been tricked into thinking a life of disciplined artistic endeavor is the one for me?
No, this has only been encouraged. There’s no point in time where either parent tried to push me towards comedy - just a true sense of purpose and passion. I think I found the right thing, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel that way all the time. It seems impossible to actually imagine a life for myself even a year from now. Living at home will do that to you, I suppose, but the workplace does me no favors either. Surrounded by regression, aggression, depression. Simple answers triumph over complex discussion, sounds familiar, no? Maybe our political landscape is the true root to my sporadic episodes of, well, sadness. It does me no favors to blame the powerful, overarching anxiety of this presidency, but I can’t bring myself to completely shut it out and focus on myself. That’s exactly what he wants. I have a true obligation to stay tuned, at the very least.
Maybe I need to volunteer or otherwise contribute to a political cause. Maybe that will lift this mysterious anchor from my proverbial ankle. The logistics of everyday life impede that, though, and right now I have a great opportunity at my fingertips - wasting that would be a painful regret no doubt. Maybe I need to start meditating again, yea, that’s worth a shot for sure. I am closing in on a great morning routine - but tuesdays have become a consistent disappointment in terms of health and productivity. I’m going to skip next monday’s tournaments and see how I feel. Man, what do I do?
This is hardly a letter of urgency, actually, it’s not a letter at all. Shit, maybe it is a letter. It looks like a letter. Nowadays I feel confident in myself and my work, in my progression and my future. The problem, I guess, is just inexperience. If I truly trust myself and the process, why do I feel anxiety now? Can I not place faith in my developing habits and semblance of talent? Can I bring myself to post this *~*truly*~* personal self reflection as opposed to producing a typical one - a truth-filtered concoction of boredom and caffeine. It would take guts, I give myself that.
There is value in these posts - both short and long term. That sentence is a lie, or at least the conviction behind it is. I have no idea if this post has any value at all, in any point in the future. It does have value in this exact moment, though. I have succeeded in curbing this weird, unorthodox, self-inflicted pain - at least temporarily. For the moment, I have absolutely no desire in slowing down or ending this post. I feel like I could go on forever. Maybe this is what I really needed, this exact thing right now is the most important thing in the universe.
You know, in a way I actually believe that. All we have is this moment, and all I have in this moment is a loud earful of Radiohead, dutifully drowning out the insane and indescribable distractions of my office, along with the words at my desk. --- Between that section and this sentence now, I was brought into a conversation with a coworker. It was pleasant, though, not the typical story of what goes on around here. I will never share that online, these stories are gifts so precious that I repeat them rarely, albeit powerfully, and only to close friends and family. If you are interested in some crazy office stories, I recommend you press me on how I’m liking my job. I promise it won’t disappoint.
I’ll be honest, this is really teetering on the edge of writings I post and do not post. Right now I’m not sure if these words will actually be read, a line I rarely cross, and for good reason. I don’t want my free writes to be subjected to the same scrutiny and inhibition as my deliberate attempts to open up to (Facebook) friends and family. Man, what the hell do I get myself into.
Screw it, I’ll post.
But I don’t want to stop, there’s a mild mania going on right now that I don’t want to quench - a result of my recent lack of expression. I’m going to pivot now, try to produce a piece of comedy and actually provide for the company that sponsored the last 45 minutes of my life. I hope to hide this forever from my coworkers, but, as with every piece of writing or content I put into the world, I know it’s a matter of time before it leaks out. Oh well.
Thank you for reading.
No, this has only been encouraged. There’s no point in time where either parent tried to push me towards comedy - just a true sense of purpose and passion. I think I found the right thing, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel that way all the time. It seems impossible to actually imagine a life for myself even a year from now. Living at home will do that to you, I suppose, but the workplace does me no favors either. Surrounded by regression, aggression, depression. Simple answers triumph over complex discussion, sounds familiar, no? Maybe our political landscape is the true root to my sporadic episodes of, well, sadness. It does me no favors to blame the powerful, overarching anxiety of this presidency, but I can’t bring myself to completely shut it out and focus on myself. That’s exactly what he wants. I have a true obligation to stay tuned, at the very least.
Maybe I need to volunteer or otherwise contribute to a political cause. Maybe that will lift this mysterious anchor from my proverbial ankle. The logistics of everyday life impede that, though, and right now I have a great opportunity at my fingertips - wasting that would be a painful regret no doubt. Maybe I need to start meditating again, yea, that’s worth a shot for sure. I am closing in on a great morning routine - but tuesdays have become a consistent disappointment in terms of health and productivity. I’m going to skip next monday’s tournaments and see how I feel. Man, what do I do?
This is hardly a letter of urgency, actually, it’s not a letter at all. Shit, maybe it is a letter. It looks like a letter. Nowadays I feel confident in myself and my work, in my progression and my future. The problem, I guess, is just inexperience. If I truly trust myself and the process, why do I feel anxiety now? Can I not place faith in my developing habits and semblance of talent? Can I bring myself to post this *~*truly*~* personal self reflection as opposed to producing a typical one - a truth-filtered concoction of boredom and caffeine. It would take guts, I give myself that.
There is value in these posts - both short and long term. That sentence is a lie, or at least the conviction behind it is. I have no idea if this post has any value at all, in any point in the future. It does have value in this exact moment, though. I have succeeded in curbing this weird, unorthodox, self-inflicted pain - at least temporarily. For the moment, I have absolutely no desire in slowing down or ending this post. I feel like I could go on forever. Maybe this is what I really needed, this exact thing right now is the most important thing in the universe.
You know, in a way I actually believe that. All we have is this moment, and all I have in this moment is a loud earful of Radiohead, dutifully drowning out the insane and indescribable distractions of my office, along with the words at my desk. --- Between that section and this sentence now, I was brought into a conversation with a coworker. It was pleasant, though, not the typical story of what goes on around here. I will never share that online, these stories are gifts so precious that I repeat them rarely, albeit powerfully, and only to close friends and family. If you are interested in some crazy office stories, I recommend you press me on how I’m liking my job. I promise it won’t disappoint.
I’ll be honest, this is really teetering on the edge of writings I post and do not post. Right now I’m not sure if these words will actually be read, a line I rarely cross, and for good reason. I don’t want my free writes to be subjected to the same scrutiny and inhibition as my deliberate attempts to open up to (Facebook) friends and family. Man, what the hell do I get myself into.
Screw it, I’ll post.
But I don’t want to stop, there’s a mild mania going on right now that I don’t want to quench - a result of my recent lack of expression. I’m going to pivot now, try to produce a piece of comedy and actually provide for the company that sponsored the last 45 minutes of my life. I hope to hide this forever from my coworkers, but, as with every piece of writing or content I put into the world, I know it’s a matter of time before it leaks out. Oh well.
Thank you for reading.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Sometimes, with these, my brain just spills.
There should be no thoughts before you start. Maybe an idea will cross your mind - scratch that, you will have plenty. Don't try to lock those down, you arn't prepared. The only thoughts worth saving come with a pen in your hand, keyboard at your fingertips, voice recorder turned on. These are my rules, the only thing that keeps me sane now. "It will come" I tell myself, "Don't worry about these." Now, just because I remind myself of these good habits doesn't mean I don't go crazy.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
I'm still trying to figure out this exercise thing. They say your best thoughts come when your blood is moving.. makes sense to me. But how do I write them down? Do I stop? Hop off the bike, find a quiet corner, and start jotting down some nonsensical tangent about relationships? No, that doesn't work for me. If that works for anyone, please invite me to work out with you. I need to see that in action.
Those ideas are good, though. At least they seem good in the moment. There's some pain when they get away, slipping through my fingers like a melted tide pod. But, and I learned this the hard way, trying to preserve them for extended periods is impossible. It's like trying to save the tide pod by putting it in your mouth. You might still have it, but what are you really left with? A jumbled mess, liver damage, and a viral video. You decide if it's worth it.
Every time I write I try to start with the freshest thought that enters my mind at that precise moment. It's the only way to find honesty, I think. Is that the best way to product content? To further a career in comedy writing? Journaling is frustratingly necessary for my mental health, another problem I learn the hard way. It's punishment usually pairs with some other problem, like a long drought of exercise or not drinking enough water. The urge to write comes more from avoiding pain than a search for pleasure, there's rarely a time where a blog post brings me massive joy. It all feels like avoiding regret as an older man, where I look back and think "Why didn't I express myself more? Why didn't I find my voice when I was younger?"
You know what, It's not even an older man. It's for me 1 year from now. I want to make him proud, because he is my idol. It's cyclical logic, I know, and I probably lost some people just there, so for that I apologize. But isn't that cool way of thinking of things? I just came up with it now, go figure. (Actually, if we're being realistic, I probably just read this somewhere and it just came back to me. Come on subconscious, cite your sources!)
It's a cool idea. We are our harshest critics, and we are always looking for approval. Why don't we conflate these two insanely strong and primitive habits and search for the approval of our inner critic? The important part is giving yourself time to judge accurately, right? So we look ahead to ourselves in the future, three, six, twelve months ahead, and ask ourselves if we are making them proud. Will this need to be justified, or will it be relished? Am I on a hot streak or do I need to step it up? And then, when we look back at our actions, we must judge with intense scrutiny, but also love. Look as accurately as possible at how we were, but look at the context as well. This all seems like a good formula for self improvement, no? It does for me, at least.
The trickiest part is actually looking back and remembering what we did. That's where this journal comes in. It's entering my mind and bolting down everything I can find in there at that moment. It's chipping off the anxiety accumulating on my chest like barnacles to a docked ship. It's giving my future self, hopefully a role model for my present self, the opportunity to look back and learn.
That's why I write. I just hope it's enough.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Never a Sprint Ft. Terry Cruise
Nothing like a rainy day to start typing whatever comes to my head. I got the gunk out with the last post, now I get to actually figure out what I'm thinking.
Scratch that, I never know what I'm thinking.
I know what I'm looking at, though. I'm enjoying a rare opportunity to hang with my Sister, her husband, and their baby. They live Australia if you believe that. Even if you don't believe that, they still live there. They are here for a month, and it's nice to see my nephew.
Back to ME. I need to focus on production. I say this over and over again... that's just the stage that I'm at. I have scattered knowledge and experience on how to make videos, but pulling it all together seems insurmountable. You know those rock climbing walls with colored handles jutting out all over the place? Right now production feels like one of those walls without any color. The moves and options all blend into the background, and once I set off there's no telling if I made the right decision. It's scary, frustrating, and in all honestly a little bit dull.
The amount of leg work that goes into this documentary, for example (yes it's still being made) feels more like exercise than fulfilling creative expression. I wouldn't mind if I had the time to do it. This is where I could launch into complaints, but I know that I'm in a good spot so I won't...yet.
A couple months ago I wrote that I was in a transition phase, and now that phase is just about over. There might be some changes in the next few weeks (crossing fingers for a raise, don't share this with coworkers) but all in all this is a period for biding time and developing habits. Footnote: My father just read that and got so excited he's doing jumping jacks in his chair. Stand up dad, they get easier that way.
This mentality is the only one I can stick to right now. I feel that a lot of my creative oriented peers feel the pressure to make moves and take risks, not realizing how much time they actually have. My biggest fear right now isn't that I'm going to miss my chance, it's that I'm going to get antsy and start sprinting when I'm miles from the goal. Slow and steady wins the race is what I'm trying to say. With that philosophy, the best thing I can do right now is to get my steady to be pretty damn fast. Does that make any sense?
Let me break it down the way I think of it, like a video game. Let's say you're playing a game where your character starts at level 1 and you get stronger and stronger as time goes on. You play a bit, then hit level 2. Ding! Gratz. Now you are presented with a choice. You can choose +1 to all your stats, or you can skip that boost so that future level ups will be +2. You might be down one, but when you hit level 3 (ding gratz) you now catch up to the point you would have been. I've lost the older crowd, but really try to follow this. This is seriously how my mind thinks.
Also, Mom and Dad, you were complicit in my World of Warcraft days. You are 100% to blame. Thank you.
Right now I'm trying to make decisions that will allow me to improve faster. To put it in realistic terms, it's the habit building I mentioned before. If you really want a better picture, watch the video on Terry Cruise's day to day schedule. He wakes up at 4:30, works out intensely, takes a whole arsenal of supplements, and by the time 8am comes around he is ready to tackle the day. Now, I'm not saying that I need to copy this standard of living, but you can't try and tell me there's a healthier schedule than that. That is the shining beacon of "productive creativity".
So that's where I land. I can't see any sort of "big break" on the horizon, nor am I looking for one. I just gotta keep chugging along, making steady improvements and leveling up. There's no way to fail this way, right? Man I'm afraid of failing. But that's for a different post.
Another long one, thanks for reading. Also, if you are looking to collaborate with anything production related give me a call.
Scratch that, I never know what I'm thinking.
I know what I'm looking at, though. I'm enjoying a rare opportunity to hang with my Sister, her husband, and their baby. They live Australia if you believe that. Even if you don't believe that, they still live there. They are here for a month, and it's nice to see my nephew.
Back to ME. I need to focus on production. I say this over and over again... that's just the stage that I'm at. I have scattered knowledge and experience on how to make videos, but pulling it all together seems insurmountable. You know those rock climbing walls with colored handles jutting out all over the place? Right now production feels like one of those walls without any color. The moves and options all blend into the background, and once I set off there's no telling if I made the right decision. It's scary, frustrating, and in all honestly a little bit dull.
The amount of leg work that goes into this documentary, for example (yes it's still being made) feels more like exercise than fulfilling creative expression. I wouldn't mind if I had the time to do it. This is where I could launch into complaints, but I know that I'm in a good spot so I won't...yet.
A couple months ago I wrote that I was in a transition phase, and now that phase is just about over. There might be some changes in the next few weeks (crossing fingers for a raise, don't share this with coworkers) but all in all this is a period for biding time and developing habits. Footnote: My father just read that and got so excited he's doing jumping jacks in his chair. Stand up dad, they get easier that way.
This mentality is the only one I can stick to right now. I feel that a lot of my creative oriented peers feel the pressure to make moves and take risks, not realizing how much time they actually have. My biggest fear right now isn't that I'm going to miss my chance, it's that I'm going to get antsy and start sprinting when I'm miles from the goal. Slow and steady wins the race is what I'm trying to say. With that philosophy, the best thing I can do right now is to get my steady to be pretty damn fast. Does that make any sense?
Let me break it down the way I think of it, like a video game. Let's say you're playing a game where your character starts at level 1 and you get stronger and stronger as time goes on. You play a bit, then hit level 2. Ding! Gratz. Now you are presented with a choice. You can choose +1 to all your stats, or you can skip that boost so that future level ups will be +2. You might be down one, but when you hit level 3 (ding gratz) you now catch up to the point you would have been. I've lost the older crowd, but really try to follow this. This is seriously how my mind thinks.
Also, Mom and Dad, you were complicit in my World of Warcraft days. You are 100% to blame. Thank you.
Right now I'm trying to make decisions that will allow me to improve faster. To put it in realistic terms, it's the habit building I mentioned before. If you really want a better picture, watch the video on Terry Cruise's day to day schedule. He wakes up at 4:30, works out intensely, takes a whole arsenal of supplements, and by the time 8am comes around he is ready to tackle the day. Now, I'm not saying that I need to copy this standard of living, but you can't try and tell me there's a healthier schedule than that. That is the shining beacon of "productive creativity".
So that's where I land. I can't see any sort of "big break" on the horizon, nor am I looking for one. I just gotta keep chugging along, making steady improvements and leveling up. There's no way to fail this way, right? Man I'm afraid of failing. But that's for a different post.
Another long one, thanks for reading. Also, if you are looking to collaborate with anything production related give me a call.
Monday, June 25, 2018
I should do this more often..
Writing comedy is hard. I think everyone gets that. For a while, I figured that the hardest part of comedy writing was the writing part, ie. sitting down and doing the work. For the last couple of years now that's been my primary focus. Close to an obsession, really.
I think it's been going pretty well. I've developed a solid habit of writing, mostly on paper in my journal. That's not comedy! It's just feelings! Not the good type of feelings either, like poetry or something. Actually, I take that back. Poetry is definitely not the good type of feelings.
I haven't written a blog in a while, which is kind of on purpose. A lot of factors come into play as to why, but essentially things come up. Family is in town, some weeks I go into work early. Internally, though, I just haven't felt the need. Until now, I guess, I just didn't want to express myself to the world ("world" used loosely) since it changes what I say. But that's the whole point of comedy, man. I gotta get used to that.
It's really crazy to think of how different these are to my journal entries, and how similar they are. It's all because of the fundamental difference of people seeing it. I know from the start that these words can be read by somebody, so everything that comes after is a reflection of that. See, at this point I feel obligated to make a joke... the timing just feels right for it. In a journal, I don't give a shit. Who am I trying to impress? I'm not even gonna read it.
What I usually say in my private thoughts, though, is more uplifting than anything I've ever shared in public. That seems counterintuitive, right? I've never thought of that before, but that's exactly what happens. I encourage myself in my journals. I really try to take stock of the good things that are going on, as well as point out and forgive my shortcomings. It seems healthy, and honestly it's important. I try not to skip more than a weekend of writing, since it becomes so easy to absolutely fall apart and hard to get back on the horse. I call it "creative inertia." Most people call it "Anxiety."
So yea, writing is important. Why is it that writing these posts feels less important? Or, rather, that I tend to do it less often? These words are infinitely more valuable, no? At least in the common understanding of value, like monetizable value. Don't get me wrong, I'm a far ways from making a penny on this. If I hold the goal of having a creative job, though, is it not true that public work brings me closer to my goal? The only way it doesn't is if it's bad, but how can I tell if it's bad? There's no way besides my own taste, and my own taste says that it's good enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that fear is stopping me. I shy away from the work because of fear. I fear editing my long awaited documentary, I fear the process of writing and recording sketches.
No, that's not entirely true. I have a hint of fear, no doubt, but they are not impeding my goals. Life is far more complicated than that. It would be a huge disservice if I let myself end a post with an impartial reflection. Fear does not control me. It's definitely there. A bigger part of this is my schedule, and it has been a focus of mine for a few weeks now.
This is going long, great. If you're bored than I don't really care. This is more for me at this point. If you're really still reading then I applaud you, mom and dad. It's only my parents reading passed this paragraph anyway. Everyone else, you can call it a day.
Schedule, right. I've realized that I am totally incapable of writing, editing, or generally working creatively after a certain point in the day. That point usually comes around 3pm or so. Yes, if I really need to I can chug a red bull and pull an all nighter, what else is college meant to teach me? Regardless of what's possible, I've began to understand when my best time is for creative work, and that's in the early morning. So, I've been working on waking up earlier and earlier so I have more time in the mornings to get stuff done. That's my only goal for the next few weeks.
Now I look back and realize that I didn't need to share any of that. Who cares. I'm not late to work this time and that's a cool thing.
Thank you for reading this far. It really means a lot.
I think it's been going pretty well. I've developed a solid habit of writing, mostly on paper in my journal. That's not comedy! It's just feelings! Not the good type of feelings either, like poetry or something. Actually, I take that back. Poetry is definitely not the good type of feelings.
I haven't written a blog in a while, which is kind of on purpose. A lot of factors come into play as to why, but essentially things come up. Family is in town, some weeks I go into work early. Internally, though, I just haven't felt the need. Until now, I guess, I just didn't want to express myself to the world ("world" used loosely) since it changes what I say. But that's the whole point of comedy, man. I gotta get used to that.
It's really crazy to think of how different these are to my journal entries, and how similar they are. It's all because of the fundamental difference of people seeing it. I know from the start that these words can be read by somebody, so everything that comes after is a reflection of that. See, at this point I feel obligated to make a joke... the timing just feels right for it. In a journal, I don't give a shit. Who am I trying to impress? I'm not even gonna read it.
What I usually say in my private thoughts, though, is more uplifting than anything I've ever shared in public. That seems counterintuitive, right? I've never thought of that before, but that's exactly what happens. I encourage myself in my journals. I really try to take stock of the good things that are going on, as well as point out and forgive my shortcomings. It seems healthy, and honestly it's important. I try not to skip more than a weekend of writing, since it becomes so easy to absolutely fall apart and hard to get back on the horse. I call it "creative inertia." Most people call it "Anxiety."
So yea, writing is important. Why is it that writing these posts feels less important? Or, rather, that I tend to do it less often? These words are infinitely more valuable, no? At least in the common understanding of value, like monetizable value. Don't get me wrong, I'm a far ways from making a penny on this. If I hold the goal of having a creative job, though, is it not true that public work brings me closer to my goal? The only way it doesn't is if it's bad, but how can I tell if it's bad? There's no way besides my own taste, and my own taste says that it's good enough. I guess what I'm trying to say is that fear is stopping me. I shy away from the work because of fear. I fear editing my long awaited documentary, I fear the process of writing and recording sketches.
No, that's not entirely true. I have a hint of fear, no doubt, but they are not impeding my goals. Life is far more complicated than that. It would be a huge disservice if I let myself end a post with an impartial reflection. Fear does not control me. It's definitely there. A bigger part of this is my schedule, and it has been a focus of mine for a few weeks now.
This is going long, great. If you're bored than I don't really care. This is more for me at this point. If you're really still reading then I applaud you, mom and dad. It's only my parents reading passed this paragraph anyway. Everyone else, you can call it a day.
Schedule, right. I've realized that I am totally incapable of writing, editing, or generally working creatively after a certain point in the day. That point usually comes around 3pm or so. Yes, if I really need to I can chug a red bull and pull an all nighter, what else is college meant to teach me? Regardless of what's possible, I've began to understand when my best time is for creative work, and that's in the early morning. So, I've been working on waking up earlier and earlier so I have more time in the mornings to get stuff done. That's my only goal for the next few weeks.
Now I look back and realize that I didn't need to share any of that. Who cares. I'm not late to work this time and that's a cool thing.
Thank you for reading this far. It really means a lot.
Friday, April 27, 2018
Learning From Ego
I should probably give an update. After the near-manic episode I had, I should let people know that I have not kept that pace all week. We have a tendency to let the last impression of somebody be their whole identity from then on, no? I still had a great week with my new job, but I’m not bouncing up and down at my desk all day. I still do a lot of monotonous work.
A coworker finally got his way into my facebook, then read my blog, then approached me about it. He goes “You weren’t having fun at your job?” And I told him “Hell no.”
“Oh, too bad” he said, before smiling and going back to his desk. Creepy dude. Hey Sam.
I’ve complained before about having a limited amount of time that I can enjoy good news. I’m getting a little bit of that now, in a way. As I take a leap towards what I want to do I, see the path more clearly. Landing on my feet on Monday and hitting the ground running was like a rush of adrenaline. I actually had trouble sleeping Monday night, because I had just a killer day. Did I mention I won a tournament that day, too? From losers. Check out the bracket if you care to.
So I’m in the after area, the “what now” zone. I’ve been here before, many times. But I didn’t just have a good day, or a good tournament. I had gained new responsibilities that lets me work towards something cool. It’s a huge shift that affects my mood all day, and that takes some getting used to. But it’s obviously good. I’m still in a very good place.
The strange part is how far I still need to go. Every time I achieve something it feels like the beginning of another path. Is that healthy? Should I be proud of how far I’ve come already? I’d say the former is more productive, but the ladder seems more fun. The ladder brings me to a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while, and that’s ego.
A coworker finally got his way into my facebook, then read my blog, then approached me about it. He goes “You weren’t having fun at your job?” And I told him “Hell no.”
“Oh, too bad” he said, before smiling and going back to his desk. Creepy dude. Hey Sam.
I’ve complained before about having a limited amount of time that I can enjoy good news. I’m getting a little bit of that now, in a way. As I take a leap towards what I want to do I, see the path more clearly. Landing on my feet on Monday and hitting the ground running was like a rush of adrenaline. I actually had trouble sleeping Monday night, because I had just a killer day. Did I mention I won a tournament that day, too? From losers. Check out the bracket if you care to.
So I’m in the after area, the “what now” zone. I’ve been here before, many times. But I didn’t just have a good day, or a good tournament. I had gained new responsibilities that lets me work towards something cool. It’s a huge shift that affects my mood all day, and that takes some getting used to. But it’s obviously good. I’m still in a very good place.
The strange part is how far I still need to go. Every time I achieve something it feels like the beginning of another path. Is that healthy? Should I be proud of how far I’ve come already? I’d say the former is more productive, but the ladder seems more fun. The ladder brings me to a problem I’ve been dealing with for a while, and that’s ego.
What an annoying thing to read about, I know. ‘Ugh, you have an ego? Here, let me put a nice warm blanket on you. What a true survivor.’
Ego isn’t a good thing. It never has been, for me. It sits on top of my head and points out the good things I do, all day every day. A healthy ego is one that lets you nod along and go about your life, acknowledging success without becoming a dick. A strong ego keeps you looking at the good stuff a little bit longer than you planned. An out of control ego tells you to pick up the good stuff and start showing it to people at parties.
I understand egotistical people, I really do. A lot of time it’s a counterpart to their insecurities, but I’m not really breaking psychological ground here, am I? Comedians need a strong ego to have good stage presence, but I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about learning from my own mistakes, massive mistakes, that I’ve done as a result of ego. I don’t want it to happen again.
Look, I’m delving into some shit here. I’m not going into depth about some of my deepest regrets, okay? Just know that they were plentiful, memorable, and in both high school and college. Remember college? Like, less than a year ago? So, yea, I’m still prone to let it grow and really affect me. And it’s all rooted in insecurity, no doubt.
When I have good streaks I let it permeate through everything I have. I take moments to stop and absorb, just take stock of the beauty and hope and joy. I do this little thing where I laugh-cry, a short jolt of laughing and choking up for 3-5 seconds. Here’s the problem, though. Just like adrenaline, that feeling is fleeting. So I look for more, and now. After a few days of that, I’m just grasping at straws, or making huge decisions because I think I can handle it. I can handle everything! I’m unstoppable! We all know what happens after that. SPLAT.
I’m not unfamiliar with depression, and having ego fall on its face is a great time to go there. I’m not just fighting off the urge to brag, I’m fighting off the inevitable backlash of a lengthy ego binge. I can have ups, but I need to find my way back to ground. As the saying goes, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” Actually, I’m not sure if I’m using that right. Oh well.
That’s all I got. Just to plug something, I’ll be commentating the last Nebulous Apollo series tournament! I’ll be on for top 32-8 singles and top 8 of doubles! A pretty great opportunity, if you ask me. Check in tomorrow at twitch.tv/nebulousnyc where I won’t be playing, but you’ll hear my voice.
Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!
Ego isn’t a good thing. It never has been, for me. It sits on top of my head and points out the good things I do, all day every day. A healthy ego is one that lets you nod along and go about your life, acknowledging success without becoming a dick. A strong ego keeps you looking at the good stuff a little bit longer than you planned. An out of control ego tells you to pick up the good stuff and start showing it to people at parties.
I understand egotistical people, I really do. A lot of time it’s a counterpart to their insecurities, but I’m not really breaking psychological ground here, am I? Comedians need a strong ego to have good stage presence, but I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about learning from my own mistakes, massive mistakes, that I’ve done as a result of ego. I don’t want it to happen again.
Look, I’m delving into some shit here. I’m not going into depth about some of my deepest regrets, okay? Just know that they were plentiful, memorable, and in both high school and college. Remember college? Like, less than a year ago? So, yea, I’m still prone to let it grow and really affect me. And it’s all rooted in insecurity, no doubt.
When I have good streaks I let it permeate through everything I have. I take moments to stop and absorb, just take stock of the beauty and hope and joy. I do this little thing where I laugh-cry, a short jolt of laughing and choking up for 3-5 seconds. Here’s the problem, though. Just like adrenaline, that feeling is fleeting. So I look for more, and now. After a few days of that, I’m just grasping at straws, or making huge decisions because I think I can handle it. I can handle everything! I’m unstoppable! We all know what happens after that. SPLAT.
I’m not unfamiliar with depression, and having ego fall on its face is a great time to go there. I’m not just fighting off the urge to brag, I’m fighting off the inevitable backlash of a lengthy ego binge. I can have ups, but I need to find my way back to ground. As the saying goes, “After the ecstasy, the laundry.” Actually, I’m not sure if I’m using that right. Oh well.
That’s all I got. Just to plug something, I’ll be commentating the last Nebulous Apollo series tournament! I’ll be on for top 32-8 singles and top 8 of doubles! A pretty great opportunity, if you ask me. Check in tomorrow at twitch.tv/nebulousnyc where I won’t be playing, but you’ll hear my voice.
Thanks for reading. Happy Friday!
Monday, April 23, 2018
I Get A Bit Dramatic About A 'Promotion'
And just like that, I absolutely love my job. Wow.
Most people would tweet this and that'd be it. I, however, am just self indulgent enough to blog about it.
*Note - sitting at the job that I'm currently raving about.*
I have no idea what I've said on this page, so I'll just do a quick recap. I've been working at an Amazon redistributor as a data entry/junior affiliate for seven months now. Due to the lack of creativity, and abundance of monotony, I've felt a little run down lately. It might have something to do with how long this winter lasted, it being my first year out of college, or 22 other reasons. Today though, man. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time.
Lately my company has been trying to break away from Amazon and start their own website. Around that time I made a big decision. I approached my boss and told him what was on my mind. We spoke for a long time. We talked about how I wasn't content with my current role, how it had nothing to do with payment or compensation, and how I would be a big asset to something creative like building a website. He heard me -- He's always great with hearing me out, seriously -- and he put me on the job of ... well, helping. But it was a start.
Over the next few weeks I would diversify my working experience dramatically. I went to my first business meeting at my bosses friend's office, taking notes like a good little helper, and I learned a ton about eCommerce and website building. I was given a small budget and tasked with creating a business card via Fiverr.com. And, most importantly, I was told to research other similar companies and see what I could learn. This lead me to discover the importance of Business Blogging.
When that happened I felt like the sun came out for the first time in months, a small ray making its way 93 million miles just to fill me with hope. But this was a different hope than I've ever felt before. I didn't find an end goal, a dreamy circumstance of ultimate success, but the beginning of a path, on which I've never stepped foot. It was short burst. I raised my head up, felt the sun, then went right back down and got to work. It's trippy, thinking about the one photon that fought it's way from the bubbling star, from lava and combustion, that hit me at the exact moment I felt my career path shift. It didn't just fight, it battled. It was a war, from a star, that gave me A New Hope.
Im the greateest writer in the world
So I put my best foot forward and worked my ass off to make this blog a reality. I needed to make this blog the right way, I need to make it successful, Ah! This is so exciting! What am I doing? What, huh? It was coming together right in front of me, stumbling, scattered, when I had another crazy photon or whatever I said before.
I was gonna make it a comedy blog. Yes! Of course!
Now, I'm not selling you on this idea, because I already know that it's fucking amazing. My boss thought so, too. We sell health and beauty products, but we aren't health or beauty experts. Dietitians are expensive to hire, comedians are cheap and just looking for work. If you're reading this and agreed to write for me, I do not apologize. Know what you are. An alternative.
Sorry, nah, it's actually a dream job for me. Absolute dream scenario. Working with other writers to develop original comedy content? As a day job?! I don't drop my main responsibilities, which is fine with me because I'm good at those by now, but now I get to spend work time being a comedy writer. I'm a professional comedy writer.
I've been getting emotional all day, and it's not even lunch. Do I get emotional at lunch a lot? I'm so incredibly excited to come to work now. I feel pride that I've kept a sort of effort to take advantage of this opportunity, and I feel completely prepared to try at this and start getting better. Cause that's still where I'm at. The beginning of the path.
Ok, I'm still at work, but this needed to come out before I get back to, you know, being a goddamn content manager. If you got this far and are interested in comedy writing, please send me an email at Jessegardner7@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook. I have a budget, and I can pay writers!
Thanks for reading.
Things I learned: How far away the sun is, trippy isn't recognized by spell check
Most people would tweet this and that'd be it. I, however, am just self indulgent enough to blog about it.
*Note - sitting at the job that I'm currently raving about.*
I have no idea what I've said on this page, so I'll just do a quick recap. I've been working at an Amazon redistributor as a data entry/junior affiliate for seven months now. Due to the lack of creativity, and abundance of monotony, I've felt a little run down lately. It might have something to do with how long this winter lasted, it being my first year out of college, or 22 other reasons. Today though, man. Today has been one of the best days in a very long time.
Lately my company has been trying to break away from Amazon and start their own website. Around that time I made a big decision. I approached my boss and told him what was on my mind. We spoke for a long time. We talked about how I wasn't content with my current role, how it had nothing to do with payment or compensation, and how I would be a big asset to something creative like building a website. He heard me -- He's always great with hearing me out, seriously -- and he put me on the job of ... well, helping. But it was a start.
Over the next few weeks I would diversify my working experience dramatically. I went to my first business meeting at my bosses friend's office, taking notes like a good little helper, and I learned a ton about eCommerce and website building. I was given a small budget and tasked with creating a business card via Fiverr.com. And, most importantly, I was told to research other similar companies and see what I could learn. This lead me to discover the importance of Business Blogging.
When that happened I felt like the sun came out for the first time in months, a small ray making its way 93 million miles just to fill me with hope. But this was a different hope than I've ever felt before. I didn't find an end goal, a dreamy circumstance of ultimate success, but the beginning of a path, on which I've never stepped foot. It was short burst. I raised my head up, felt the sun, then went right back down and got to work. It's trippy, thinking about the one photon that fought it's way from the bubbling star, from lava and combustion, that hit me at the exact moment I felt my career path shift. It didn't just fight, it battled. It was a war, from a star, that gave me A New Hope.
Im the greateest writer in the world
So I put my best foot forward and worked my ass off to make this blog a reality. I needed to make this blog the right way, I need to make it successful, Ah! This is so exciting! What am I doing? What, huh? It was coming together right in front of me, stumbling, scattered, when I had another crazy photon or whatever I said before.
I was gonna make it a comedy blog. Yes! Of course!
Now, I'm not selling you on this idea, because I already know that it's fucking amazing. My boss thought so, too. We sell health and beauty products, but we aren't health or beauty experts. Dietitians are expensive to hire, comedians are cheap and just looking for work. If you're reading this and agreed to write for me, I do not apologize. Know what you are. An alternative.
Sorry, nah, it's actually a dream job for me. Absolute dream scenario. Working with other writers to develop original comedy content? As a day job?! I don't drop my main responsibilities, which is fine with me because I'm good at those by now, but now I get to spend work time being a comedy writer. I'm a professional comedy writer.
I've been getting emotional all day, and it's not even lunch. Do I get emotional at lunch a lot? I'm so incredibly excited to come to work now. I feel pride that I've kept a sort of effort to take advantage of this opportunity, and I feel completely prepared to try at this and start getting better. Cause that's still where I'm at. The beginning of the path.
Ok, I'm still at work, but this needed to come out before I get back to, you know, being a goddamn content manager. If you got this far and are interested in comedy writing, please send me an email at Jessegardner7@gmail.com or contact me on Facebook. I have a budget, and I can pay writers!
Thanks for reading.
Things I learned: How far away the sun is, trippy isn't recognized by spell check
Monday, April 2, 2018
Woohoo! A week off! *Starts Crying*
I have this week off for Passover. The whole week. Add last Friday, that's a whole ten days off work. Ten! An aspiring writer like myself should be thrilled to have this much free time. I would say I mostly am. But I'm also terrified. I've been in this situation before. I've actually written about this situation before (See: "Perfect Week." And the next post: "Perfect Week? No such thing.")
I know how it feels to drop the ball with this sort of potential. It's a crappy feeling. A lot of the time it'll happen because I think too big. If I take two minutes to dream about the possibilities I suddenly have 40,000 YouTube subscribers, 35 agents fighting over me and a Netflix special. This is all in my head, of course. In reality, forty extra hours to work on my craft is amazing and terrifying and everything and nothing. There's no guide here. All I have to go off is my own experience, which is jack shit. That's not true, exactly. I've gotten in a groove before. But now is different. Because it's now.
What the hell is this rambling, you might ask? It's exactly what I'm up against. This upcoming week is free form, it's improvised, it's a magnificent void. It's what I've been hoping to create as my life, really. I want to have the whole day to have to myself, to wrap myself in a cocoon of half-baked ideas and tolerable anxiety until I've created something that people may or may not like. Side note: This is a terrible pitch to be an artist.
I've taken a vow to stop telling people what projects I'm working on until it's done. So far, it's so-so by far. I will say that I have tons of ideas, but very few actual project ideas. I have a few in the works. I might need to finish those before moving on to other things. "Obviously!" Everyone reading this says at the same time. I say it to myself too. But I feel like I need to move forward with everything simultaneously.
Do I come off as a mess yet? I probably should. I don't want to come off like I'm miserable, or lost, or like I'm spiraling. In reality I'm having a pretty solid day. But nothing will fill this time-void perfectly. I can say without a doubt that I will never use my time perfectly ever for the rest of my life. Still feels pessimistic, huh? I'm really not trying to go there. It's just a technicality that makes me feel better. Nobody is perfect, nobody can be perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. Read that again and take a deep breath. It makes me feel good. It might send you into a panic.
I probably should have set a thesis for this post. Or at least a tone. None of that, no, I don't care if anyone likes this. The reality is, I have a lot more free time this week and I'm trying to use it wisely. I want to look back on Sunday night and feel like I did a lot. Not that I was perfect. But that I used my time off in a way that fast forwarded my progress. I feel like I'm playing Mario kart and I have a golden mushroom this week instead of a red one. I can use that golden sucker as many times as I want, and get a speed boost every time. Or I can use it twice, get complacent, and eventually have it disappear while I'm still in 3rd. I lost my older audience. Sorry Mom. And sorry again for saying you're part of my older audience.
I'm not going to say that I'm gonna write in this blog a lot this week, (See: two paragraphs before) but I feel like I'll end up doing just that. Who knows, I enjoy this a lot, maybe I can start considering this whole thing as a possible side-gig. God, there really is no thesis to this. I gotta start doing those.
Thanks for hanging in there if you kept on reading. If you're a fan of these posts, send me 500 dollars a week and I can start doing them full time. Otherwise, you're dead to me.
I know how it feels to drop the ball with this sort of potential. It's a crappy feeling. A lot of the time it'll happen because I think too big. If I take two minutes to dream about the possibilities I suddenly have 40,000 YouTube subscribers, 35 agents fighting over me and a Netflix special. This is all in my head, of course. In reality, forty extra hours to work on my craft is amazing and terrifying and everything and nothing. There's no guide here. All I have to go off is my own experience, which is jack shit. That's not true, exactly. I've gotten in a groove before. But now is different. Because it's now.
What the hell is this rambling, you might ask? It's exactly what I'm up against. This upcoming week is free form, it's improvised, it's a magnificent void. It's what I've been hoping to create as my life, really. I want to have the whole day to have to myself, to wrap myself in a cocoon of half-baked ideas and tolerable anxiety until I've created something that people may or may not like. Side note: This is a terrible pitch to be an artist.
I've taken a vow to stop telling people what projects I'm working on until it's done. So far, it's so-so by far. I will say that I have tons of ideas, but very few actual project ideas. I have a few in the works. I might need to finish those before moving on to other things. "Obviously!" Everyone reading this says at the same time. I say it to myself too. But I feel like I need to move forward with everything simultaneously.
Do I come off as a mess yet? I probably should. I don't want to come off like I'm miserable, or lost, or like I'm spiraling. In reality I'm having a pretty solid day. But nothing will fill this time-void perfectly. I can say without a doubt that I will never use my time perfectly ever for the rest of my life. Still feels pessimistic, huh? I'm really not trying to go there. It's just a technicality that makes me feel better. Nobody is perfect, nobody can be perfect, and nothing ever will be perfect. Read that again and take a deep breath. It makes me feel good. It might send you into a panic.
I probably should have set a thesis for this post. Or at least a tone. None of that, no, I don't care if anyone likes this. The reality is, I have a lot more free time this week and I'm trying to use it wisely. I want to look back on Sunday night and feel like I did a lot. Not that I was perfect. But that I used my time off in a way that fast forwarded my progress. I feel like I'm playing Mario kart and I have a golden mushroom this week instead of a red one. I can use that golden sucker as many times as I want, and get a speed boost every time. Or I can use it twice, get complacent, and eventually have it disappear while I'm still in 3rd. I lost my older audience. Sorry Mom. And sorry again for saying you're part of my older audience.
I'm not going to say that I'm gonna write in this blog a lot this week, (See: two paragraphs before) but I feel like I'll end up doing just that. Who knows, I enjoy this a lot, maybe I can start considering this whole thing as a possible side-gig. God, there really is no thesis to this. I gotta start doing those.
Thanks for hanging in there if you kept on reading. If you're a fan of these posts, send me 500 dollars a week and I can start doing them full time. Otherwise, you're dead to me.
Thursday, March 29, 2018
Scatterbrained Spitballing
I really enjoy writing. It's the only thing that I can reliably go back to, something at I can take a bite out of in the morning and keep tasting until bedtime. It's been weighing on me, though, that just writing isn't enough anymore. Nobody will see what I'm writing until it's put out into the world, either through this blog or a video. In a way, that's the only writing that actually matters.
I don't know if that's really how it is, but that's how it feels and it sucks. I want to just write for a while. But that doesn't get me anywhere, in my head. That doesn't build a portfolio, or build an audience, or generate ad revenue. Nope, it's not enough. It's gotta be YouTube. It's gotta be produced babyyy. Production isn't fun, it's stressful and annoying. That's probably because I'm bad at it. Shit, that's really it, huh? I'm just not that good at it.
This is amplified even more by how expensive this whole set up is. Also; the fact that I'm not always (Read: never) in the mood to work on my channel when I get home from work. These things weigh me down. They can only be alleviated when a project is complete, or a milestone is reached, or a new script is written. They come crashing down when a take doesn't stick, or I have struggles making my microphone sound good, or I go a day without even writing anything. Those tiny pitfalls take me right to television and gaming. Wasting time, another crash.
I wonder if I'm just too young to figure this out. Maybe this was inevitably going to be a struggle, not because I'm not cut out for it but because I'm 22. That's the most hopeful answer. I actually hate that answer. It's a desperate grab at a pattern of failure, an excuse to take a step back and give the mystical fairies of complacency space to control your mind. There's nothing that says I shouldn't be able to get work done. I've been saying later for a long time. I finally start and immediately begin fabricating these reasons why it's not going the way I want. Out of all the reasons, age is definitely not one of them. I'm slightly ticked off that I even mentioned my youth.
And... there it is. I felt a kick of flames under my ass. And no, that wasn't just my coffee's side affects. Although, there's actually a bit of that too.
.....
^ That means I was away from my keyboard for about 20 minutes.
Strange, I'm in a totally different head space now. I don't know if I even want to read that stuff up there.
I've been meditating lately. Really just this week. But man, already I can understand why people do it. I'm not good at it, I keep thinking about shit, but I'm catching glimpses of this clarity and I really want to replicate it. I totally can, cause it's free.
I'm rambling now, so I'm just gonna wrap it all up.
I feel pressured to create. Almost entirely self-fabricated. I don't want to regret this time in my life as time wasted. I talk about this non-fucking-stop.
Lately, I can't even really give myself credit for writing. That used to be my entire goal, the way I used to go into the day with confidence that I was heading in the right direction. That was only a year ago. Right now, I can't get on board with that. It needs to be more. Tangible. Seen. I'm disgusted by that urge.
So, the only way to fill this daily need for satisfaction is to edit and produce videos. Which is a whole different beast that I'm still very new at. Also, my microphone has been sounding like shit lately and I can't tell why. Tons of steps still to take before this takes off. Is this going to happen?
Am I struggling? When I take a step back, I have to say no. I have plenty of good things going for me, I can wake up at 6:30 now without wanting to kill a rare bird. I've made my first couple of videos. Logically I can calm myself down. But it's exhausting being logical all the damn time. Plus, that makes for boring comedy. I think. I don't know what makes good comedy.
Yikes, what a mess of a blog. Reflects my brain pretty well. I'm gonna go work on some stuff now. Let's power through this.
I don't know if that's really how it is, but that's how it feels and it sucks. I want to just write for a while. But that doesn't get me anywhere, in my head. That doesn't build a portfolio, or build an audience, or generate ad revenue. Nope, it's not enough. It's gotta be YouTube. It's gotta be produced babyyy. Production isn't fun, it's stressful and annoying. That's probably because I'm bad at it. Shit, that's really it, huh? I'm just not that good at it.
This is amplified even more by how expensive this whole set up is. Also; the fact that I'm not always (Read: never) in the mood to work on my channel when I get home from work. These things weigh me down. They can only be alleviated when a project is complete, or a milestone is reached, or a new script is written. They come crashing down when a take doesn't stick, or I have struggles making my microphone sound good, or I go a day without even writing anything. Those tiny pitfalls take me right to television and gaming. Wasting time, another crash.
I wonder if I'm just too young to figure this out. Maybe this was inevitably going to be a struggle, not because I'm not cut out for it but because I'm 22. That's the most hopeful answer. I actually hate that answer. It's a desperate grab at a pattern of failure, an excuse to take a step back and give the mystical fairies of complacency space to control your mind. There's nothing that says I shouldn't be able to get work done. I've been saying later for a long time. I finally start and immediately begin fabricating these reasons why it's not going the way I want. Out of all the reasons, age is definitely not one of them. I'm slightly ticked off that I even mentioned my youth.
And... there it is. I felt a kick of flames under my ass. And no, that wasn't just my coffee's side affects. Although, there's actually a bit of that too.
.....
^ That means I was away from my keyboard for about 20 minutes.
Strange, I'm in a totally different head space now. I don't know if I even want to read that stuff up there.
I've been meditating lately. Really just this week. But man, already I can understand why people do it. I'm not good at it, I keep thinking about shit, but I'm catching glimpses of this clarity and I really want to replicate it. I totally can, cause it's free.
I'm rambling now, so I'm just gonna wrap it all up.
I feel pressured to create. Almost entirely self-fabricated. I don't want to regret this time in my life as time wasted. I talk about this non-fucking-stop.
Lately, I can't even really give myself credit for writing. That used to be my entire goal, the way I used to go into the day with confidence that I was heading in the right direction. That was only a year ago. Right now, I can't get on board with that. It needs to be more. Tangible. Seen. I'm disgusted by that urge.
So, the only way to fill this daily need for satisfaction is to edit and produce videos. Which is a whole different beast that I'm still very new at. Also, my microphone has been sounding like shit lately and I can't tell why. Tons of steps still to take before this takes off. Is this going to happen?
Am I struggling? When I take a step back, I have to say no. I have plenty of good things going for me, I can wake up at 6:30 now without wanting to kill a rare bird. I've made my first couple of videos. Logically I can calm myself down. But it's exhausting being logical all the damn time. Plus, that makes for boring comedy. I think. I don't know what makes good comedy.
Yikes, what a mess of a blog. Reflects my brain pretty well. I'm gonna go work on some stuff now. Let's power through this.
Monday, March 5, 2018
The What's Next Effect
I try not to brag. Key word try, I suppose, but I really do think I keep it to a minimum. Every once in a while, though, I do something I'm very proud of. Yesterday was one of those times.
I finished a video project that will no doubt be successful. Zero doubt in my mind. Success is a relative term, of course, but judging from what I know in the melee scene this video has everything it needs to be a *cough* Smash Hit. I kinda hate myself for the last four sentences, so let's get to the point.
I'm struggling with how to celebrate this victory. I have a deep feeling of pride, which is rare, but now I have the urge to push that away and focus on what's next. No! Stop it, brain! It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I feel the urge to write this shit, and when I write a blog you know there's some anxiety swirling about my dumbass head.
Whew, lemme take a breather.
This seems like a universal creative-person problem. How do you put work behind you and look forward, while still living happily with your accomplishments? I know it's been a problem for me for a long time. Honestly, I've probably written about it here before. It's a strange conundrum, a bitter-sweet complication of somebody passed the initial hurdles of creating anything at all. A good problem to have, but a problem nonetheless.
There is one thing I'm definitely doing wrong, though. It's the dream scenarios. I'm playing all the different fun and whimsical outcomes of one video being released and changing everything. Should I write an example? For video projects it's easy, just imagine it going viral. Every video maker must struggle with these thoughts, it's so damn fun to let your mind explore the insane possibilities of the internet. Especially when you look at the hours of work put into it, and compare that to effortless meme kids getting showtime on Ellen. Screw Ellen, man. Why can't you put on someone from a niche E-sport community that specializes in drinking and degenerate behavior? She's gotta fire that casting director.
I don't think I'm gonna get on Ellen. But my stupid ass brain does, in tiny doses right before bed. I rarely believe these dream scenarios, but I don't really know how to handle them. Do I cull the outlandish fiction, chalk it up to the wrap-party adrenaline and take an ambien to fall asleep? Or do I entertain these thoughts, silly byproducts of my creativity, letting them swell my lonely brain for a brief moment and kick them out before they take hold and substitute reality. Two scary options. This is a scary path.
At some point or another, and this is undeniable, I must get back to work. Even if this project gets the best reception in the world, I have to keep going. So how long do I wait? If you count this blog as a step forward in any facet, I guess I'm doing okay. It just feels weird. All of this feels weird.
Like with most of these long-winded, neurotic mental tail-spins, I have arrived at a non-answer. No closure. No clue. I'm seeking some sort of company to this madness, so if you have any similar feelings please reach out to me and we can talk about it. I promise I won't bring you down with negativity, I actually don't feel a lot of negativity at all. I just want to know that this isn't a unique thing, that I'm not some madman tip-tapping away at a keyboard and slowly losing his mind while screaming "ELLEN! ELLEN!" at his dog.
This was good. I feel better.
P.S The video will be out on Friday. There are some post-production things I need to do with my collaborators. It's gonna be great.
I finished a video project that will no doubt be successful. Zero doubt in my mind. Success is a relative term, of course, but judging from what I know in the melee scene this video has everything it needs to be a *cough* Smash Hit. I kinda hate myself for the last four sentences, so let's get to the point.
I'm struggling with how to celebrate this victory. I have a deep feeling of pride, which is rare, but now I have the urge to push that away and focus on what's next. No! Stop it, brain! It hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I feel the urge to write this shit, and when I write a blog you know there's some anxiety swirling about my dumbass head.
Whew, lemme take a breather.
This seems like a universal creative-person problem. How do you put work behind you and look forward, while still living happily with your accomplishments? I know it's been a problem for me for a long time. Honestly, I've probably written about it here before. It's a strange conundrum, a bitter-sweet complication of somebody passed the initial hurdles of creating anything at all. A good problem to have, but a problem nonetheless.
There is one thing I'm definitely doing wrong, though. It's the dream scenarios. I'm playing all the different fun and whimsical outcomes of one video being released and changing everything. Should I write an example? For video projects it's easy, just imagine it going viral. Every video maker must struggle with these thoughts, it's so damn fun to let your mind explore the insane possibilities of the internet. Especially when you look at the hours of work put into it, and compare that to effortless meme kids getting showtime on Ellen. Screw Ellen, man. Why can't you put on someone from a niche E-sport community that specializes in drinking and degenerate behavior? She's gotta fire that casting director.
I don't think I'm gonna get on Ellen. But my stupid ass brain does, in tiny doses right before bed. I rarely believe these dream scenarios, but I don't really know how to handle them. Do I cull the outlandish fiction, chalk it up to the wrap-party adrenaline and take an ambien to fall asleep? Or do I entertain these thoughts, silly byproducts of my creativity, letting them swell my lonely brain for a brief moment and kick them out before they take hold and substitute reality. Two scary options. This is a scary path.
At some point or another, and this is undeniable, I must get back to work. Even if this project gets the best reception in the world, I have to keep going. So how long do I wait? If you count this blog as a step forward in any facet, I guess I'm doing okay. It just feels weird. All of this feels weird.
Like with most of these long-winded, neurotic mental tail-spins, I have arrived at a non-answer. No closure. No clue. I'm seeking some sort of company to this madness, so if you have any similar feelings please reach out to me and we can talk about it. I promise I won't bring you down with negativity, I actually don't feel a lot of negativity at all. I just want to know that this isn't a unique thing, that I'm not some madman tip-tapping away at a keyboard and slowly losing his mind while screaming "ELLEN! ELLEN!" at his dog.
This was good. I feel better.
P.S The video will be out on Friday. There are some post-production things I need to do with my collaborators. It's gonna be great.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Write a Poem that Gives Directions on how to do Something
For Christmas Ashley got me a jar with a bunch of writing prompts in there. I've used it a few times, but this one was my far my favorite. I tried to knock it out this morning and I think it turned out just fine.
Have a great day. Thanks for reading
Prompt 38: Write a poem that gives directions on how to do something.
How to change your Identity
By Jesse ""The Rock" "Poonslayer7"" "D" Gardner
When once upon a time I was
A silly man with a simple name
A fellow with no hint of buzz
Loving life, however lame
But inspiration struck me just
As confidence inside me grew
Comedic pride, the jester's lust
Told me just then what I should do
At one pm, age seventeen
In order to my frail-self mock
Wrote out a new persona, clean
"Jesse G" Mid name "The rock"
In stoic pride I turned aside
And gazed upon indifferent teens
With saddened eyes, I realized
My lack of popularity
I changed since then, that's how it goes
Yet this was not the final day
A new identity I chose!
It's now the Poon. And how I slay
My chest puffed out, my ego swole
As if this was my destiny
The Poon infused into my soul
And then my bros thought less of me
It's fun and easy, join me friends
Go and try this simple trick
Your name is new! Although this tends
To make you come off like a dick
Have a great day. Thanks for reading
Prompt 38: Write a poem that gives directions on how to do something.
How to change your Identity
By Jesse ""The Rock" "Poonslayer7"" "D" Gardner
When once upon a time I was
A silly man with a simple name
A fellow with no hint of buzz
Loving life, however lame
But inspiration struck me just
As confidence inside me grew
Comedic pride, the jester's lust
Told me just then what I should do
At one pm, age seventeen
In order to my frail-self mock
Wrote out a new persona, clean
"Jesse G" Mid name "The rock"
In stoic pride I turned aside
And gazed upon indifferent teens
With saddened eyes, I realized
My lack of popularity
I changed since then, that's how it goes
Yet this was not the final day
A new identity I chose!
It's now the Poon. And how I slay
My chest puffed out, my ego swole
As if this was my destiny
The Poon infused into my soul
And then my bros thought less of me
It's fun and easy, join me friends
Go and try this simple trick
Your name is new! Although this tends
To make you come off like a dick
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Finding Pride
It's always been hard for me to feel proud of myself. I don't know where this came from, if it's a problem or a good quality, but it's always been there. Whenever I achieve something, the feeling of happiness dwindles after a few hours. I almost completely forget about it after a day or two.
*Note. This doesn't mean stop giving me positive feedback. I love that shit. Just don't be surprised when I act awkward.*
It's totally possible that this is normal. That nearly everybody feels the same way after getting a good grade or award or a compliment. I just wish it wasn't like that. The immediate affect is great! But it goes away so quickly. Work hard for an hour, feel the accomplishment for twenty seconds. It's a tough ratio. I guess it gets me back to work, though.
I've been thinking about this problem for a while. I usually come to the conclusion that this is a good quality. A great attribute for production. Finish a project, back to the old grind. Get a compliment, don't let it get to your head. Sounds like what we've heard our whole lives, no? The protestant work ethic or some bologna like that.
The problem is, the grind is tough. That's why it's called, like, a grind. Compliments do get to my head, because I try to ward them off. I can't even accept them with grace, and then I overthink my thank yous to that person.
Consider the opposite, somebody gushing over a prize or title won from weeks ago. They find opportunities to bring it up or ask your opinions on it. Is that happiness? Is that true pride, or an obvious attempt to compensate for low self esteem? It seems like the ladder, but it's hard to tell. Those who brag and boast seem pretty happy in the moment. I really think they're struggling. I've been that person, junior-senior year of High School. I was a huge asshole. I had plenty of moments where I felt like god, though.
A lot of times when I write these things it helps me find an answer. Brings me closer at least. This post is really just a rehashing of thoughts I've had for years. It really is just another way of describing anxiety. And like I've said before, anxiety is a hell of a strong motivator. So maybe this is a good place to be.
But I don't know. I'm seriously unsatisfied with just accepting this mindset. It might be productive, sure, but there's no way productivity is the reason we're here. I'm not a protestant, dammit. I'm in my twenties playing video games and working five minutes from my house. Did you know I got a 15% raise the other day? Tuesday. I already forgot about it. Why can't I just hold on to that for another moment, letting that confidence carry into my work? Instead I'm pushed to the grindstone, pushing towards another little nugget, pushing towards something ethereal and impossible and unique. Just take the money and chill out, man. Take some time to enjoy it.
Look, I'm doing well. Really, I'm happy and occupied and driven. So please, give me compliments. I promise I can take it.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Learning From Your Parents
Growing up I was taught two philosophies. The first, from my father, could be easily bottled up into a phrase. "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life." He's a singer/songwriter, and if you ever get the chance to her him sing Rattlin' Bog then I recommend it. He would use this expression all the time. Nice ring to it, huh? You might have heard it before. Probably not as much as me, but I'm happy that it's been drilled into my head. Sometimes I get guided a bit more by the 'never work' portion more than the 'do what you love' bit, but we all have our perceptions.
The second philosophy, from my mother, was a little harder to pin down. She did, however, lead by example. She has had an interesting string of careers that have done a whole lot for our family and for that I will always be grateful. She brought home not only a paycheck, but those sweet sweet benefits baby. She also did not do what she loved. My mother doesn't hate her jobs, by any means, but if there was a San Junipero in real life, I doubt she would be managing a utilities warehouse in all the different decades.
If I had to bottle up her lessons, it would be "Don't end up like your father." A harsh sentence for me to even write, but it's so, so true. And don't worry, I'm posting this on facebook but definitely blocking my parents. They'll be held over from yesterday's post.
I'm very much like my parents. I see it everyday. I think we all start seeing it at some point, no? Some people fight it, maybe by moving out early or working at a smoke shop at 17 or dating a 34 year old biker who's actually gay but there's nothing wrong with that. It's a scary thing when I get angry and act exactly like my father. Even worse, when I get angry and act exactly like my mother. I've seen my parents' flaws so now it shocks me when I have them too. I do have an advantage that neither of them had at my age. I journal like a motherfuckin' mad dawg, yo. Workin out those feelings like hey now.
I want to grow up and be like both my parents. I want to be an artist and dream of a holy land where work is a constant wrestle with the intangible genius, an endless cycle of desperately wringing a cloth to capture an ounce of water. I also want to be able to get myself there. I want to be able to have a family. And if that means I drudge through the monotony of nine to five, fueled by my life's purpose waiting for me at home, then I guess that'll do too. Right now I can forge a path where both of those things are possible.
What's so amazing about my parents is that they both got me to where I am today. They are absolutely incredible parents for a young comedian. My father has been present in my life even after moving out, keeping interest in my new endeavors and projects, always pushing me up and looking out for my improvement. My mother has kept me firmly in the present, helping me time after time with important paperwork and obligations while giving me a great perspective on work ethic. Her decision to keep me around for a few years in the (new and cool) basement allows me to establish a routine and incubate as an artist (I call it the incu-basement). They're also good comedian's parents because their relationship is so fucked up. It helped me get some good material when starting out.
My parents gave me two tools for a fulfilled life. Do what you love, get the work done. Those lessons will stick with me forever. Also on the list, live with somebody before you marry them. Or don't get married. Maybe have just two kids? Live somewhere warmer? Maybe I'm just fighting against being just like my parents. Maybe it's time to do less of that.
The second philosophy, from my mother, was a little harder to pin down. She did, however, lead by example. She has had an interesting string of careers that have done a whole lot for our family and for that I will always be grateful. She brought home not only a paycheck, but those sweet sweet benefits baby. She also did not do what she loved. My mother doesn't hate her jobs, by any means, but if there was a San Junipero in real life, I doubt she would be managing a utilities warehouse in all the different decades.
If I had to bottle up her lessons, it would be "Don't end up like your father." A harsh sentence for me to even write, but it's so, so true. And don't worry, I'm posting this on facebook but definitely blocking my parents. They'll be held over from yesterday's post.
I'm very much like my parents. I see it everyday. I think we all start seeing it at some point, no? Some people fight it, maybe by moving out early or working at a smoke shop at 17 or dating a 34 year old biker who's actually gay but there's nothing wrong with that. It's a scary thing when I get angry and act exactly like my father. Even worse, when I get angry and act exactly like my mother. I've seen my parents' flaws so now it shocks me when I have them too. I do have an advantage that neither of them had at my age. I journal like a motherfuckin' mad dawg, yo. Workin out those feelings like hey now.
I want to grow up and be like both my parents. I want to be an artist and dream of a holy land where work is a constant wrestle with the intangible genius, an endless cycle of desperately wringing a cloth to capture an ounce of water. I also want to be able to get myself there. I want to be able to have a family. And if that means I drudge through the monotony of nine to five, fueled by my life's purpose waiting for me at home, then I guess that'll do too. Right now I can forge a path where both of those things are possible.
What's so amazing about my parents is that they both got me to where I am today. They are absolutely incredible parents for a young comedian. My father has been present in my life even after moving out, keeping interest in my new endeavors and projects, always pushing me up and looking out for my improvement. My mother has kept me firmly in the present, helping me time after time with important paperwork and obligations while giving me a great perspective on work ethic. Her decision to keep me around for a few years in the (new and cool) basement allows me to establish a routine and incubate as an artist (I call it the incu-basement). They're also good comedian's parents because their relationship is so fucked up. It helped me get some good material when starting out.
My parents gave me two tools for a fulfilled life. Do what you love, get the work done. Those lessons will stick with me forever. Also on the list, live with somebody before you marry them. Or don't get married. Maybe have just two kids? Live somewhere warmer? Maybe I'm just fighting against being just like my parents. Maybe it's time to do less of that.
Monday, January 22, 2018
Updates and Naive Goals
I like the feeling of writing in this blog. I can't do it every morning, because I don't feel like it every morning. When there's an obligation to put myself out in front of everybody it makes me want to do nothing at all. When it's on my terms, it becomes a little exciting motivation to actually have grammar. Today I feel like checking in.
First, updates. New computer. New, expensive computer. Two monitors. Both of them curved. It's a cool set up, one that I will be sharing once the rest of my living space is set up.
Oh yea, I have a new living space too. Not exactly the talk of the town, but Its a big step for me and will most likely be my residence for the next two years. Full disclosure, I'm in my mom's basement. There's some inherent shame in that, sure, but I don't wanna spend the whole page writing about how I don't deserve anything. That was last week's thing.
My room is set up down here now, with my kickass computer and all, so its a matter of "what now?" Luckily, I have this weird thing where I can't sleep unless my next two months have some direction. It's good for keeping on track, I guess. It's bad for sleep, good for catching up with old friends when they ask what I'm up to. That's why I do it, baby. Loading up on conversation topics for that sweet five year high school reunion.
I've told enough people right now that I'm comfortable posting about it, but I'm starting a YouTube channel. And a twitch. I always, always try to refrain from sharing stuff like this, because I hear it all the time. Everybody who gets good at melee sends a tweet out or something talking about their big plans to start a channel and start putting out content, stay tuned! And then they don't. Or they make a video that gets 60 views and they give up. It's a saturated field with meager results for the first 8-20 months, little recognition outside of internet communities and a huge time sink if you're not familiar with editing software.
Lucky me, 8-20 months is just enough time for me to piss off my mom and get kicked out of the house. I'm slightly familiar with editing software, and all I crave is little recognition from online communities. It's a golden goose I was born to chase.
The other day I was catching up with a friend from highschool and he raised a very interesting point. People our age are pretty naive. Very naive, in fact. But that naivety is important. It's the reason we put time into projects, thinking they're going to take off. It's the reason we pursue these dreams and get some sort of satisfaction, and experience, from our efforts. It's the reason we don't vote, I guess. Whatever the reason for this naivety, I'm trying now to embrace it. I have zero way of knowing how this whole endeavor will go. If it will be any good, or if each video will take forever, or if I'll just start break down crying and sell my desk on LetGo.
All I know is what I want from this, and it's a life I've been chasing since I was nine years old. Making a job out of video games. Tell me that isn't worth striving for! That it's a bad use of my 5 hours every night after work. I think it's worth it. I think it's possible. But maybe I'm just a naive little 4th grader. Either way, I'm about to learn.
First, updates. New computer. New, expensive computer. Two monitors. Both of them curved. It's a cool set up, one that I will be sharing once the rest of my living space is set up.
Oh yea, I have a new living space too. Not exactly the talk of the town, but Its a big step for me and will most likely be my residence for the next two years. Full disclosure, I'm in my mom's basement. There's some inherent shame in that, sure, but I don't wanna spend the whole page writing about how I don't deserve anything. That was last week's thing.
My room is set up down here now, with my kickass computer and all, so its a matter of "what now?" Luckily, I have this weird thing where I can't sleep unless my next two months have some direction. It's good for keeping on track, I guess. It's bad for sleep, good for catching up with old friends when they ask what I'm up to. That's why I do it, baby. Loading up on conversation topics for that sweet five year high school reunion.
I've told enough people right now that I'm comfortable posting about it, but I'm starting a YouTube channel. And a twitch. I always, always try to refrain from sharing stuff like this, because I hear it all the time. Everybody who gets good at melee sends a tweet out or something talking about their big plans to start a channel and start putting out content, stay tuned! And then they don't. Or they make a video that gets 60 views and they give up. It's a saturated field with meager results for the first 8-20 months, little recognition outside of internet communities and a huge time sink if you're not familiar with editing software.
Lucky me, 8-20 months is just enough time for me to piss off my mom and get kicked out of the house. I'm slightly familiar with editing software, and all I crave is little recognition from online communities. It's a golden goose I was born to chase.
The other day I was catching up with a friend from highschool and he raised a very interesting point. People our age are pretty naive. Very naive, in fact. But that naivety is important. It's the reason we put time into projects, thinking they're going to take off. It's the reason we pursue these dreams and get some sort of satisfaction, and experience, from our efforts. It's the reason we don't vote, I guess. Whatever the reason for this naivety, I'm trying now to embrace it. I have zero way of knowing how this whole endeavor will go. If it will be any good, or if each video will take forever, or if I'll just start break down crying and sell my desk on LetGo.
All I know is what I want from this, and it's a life I've been chasing since I was nine years old. Making a job out of video games. Tell me that isn't worth striving for! That it's a bad use of my 5 hours every night after work. I think it's worth it. I think it's possible. But maybe I'm just a naive little 4th grader. Either way, I'm about to learn.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Twenty-Two, Privileged, and Anxious
Lot of anxiety going on as a 22 year old.
I think that's normal. My only points of reference are podcasts, which I listen to every day, featuring comedians complaining about their twenties. Well, not really complaining. I'm not sure what it is, but there's a combination of regret and blissful nostalgia that lives inside of nearly every comedian I've listened to. Many of my idols have anxiety, a higher percentage cite having the problem around my age. I hope it's normal. It probably is.
I thought that my anxiety was caused mostly by college's difficulty, the constant struggle to achieve mixed with an ever-changing daily routine. That never quite felt like the answer to me, college wasn't that hard (Comm major waddup) and the routine only got hard at the end of each semester. I didn't need a break either, weeks spent home from school were sometimes the toughest to manage. I couldn't pinpoint it, but when can you? That's the toughest part about anxiety, its intangible, relentless, and always floating 1.05x arms length away.
Don't get me wrong, I've mostly kept busy and enjoyed myself up through this point, but anxiety comes through every so often and its a tough bug to get rid of. There are nearly thousands of solutions out there to the problem, too. Exercising more, healthier diet, more sleep, less masturbation, yoga, meditation, more masturbation. I've been really into one of these methods, but it's definitely more of a short-term solution.
But should there be a solution? Is there something to accomplish here? Is anxiety an ailment to cure? A puzzle to solve? The more I live within the constant ebb and flow of emotional security I tend to lean more towards a big fat 'no'. I think anxiety is here to stay, for everybody. It can be managed, of course, and some people have it way worse than others. But if you're constantly looking to eliminate all traces of anxiety, depression, sad feelings, an old addiction rearing it's seductive head, or any other demons with you right now, you're going to be constantly disappointed. And that's when anxiety really takes a hold.
So I'm just here trying to manage my anxiety. I took up a hobby a few years ago that challenged me, introduced me to friends, and allowed me to develop a skill I'm proud of. But now I'm getting anxious about placings and results. This is a new flavor of anxiety, a little less spicy but it sits in my gut for longer and tastes like black coffee.
These problems can't be solved. But they can be managed, perhaps even used. John Mulaney has a great attitude about anxiety, calling it 'free cocaine' that helps you get your work done. I tend to agree. I hope that we all can find a useful way for us to manage our own personal shitty-thought expansion pack, preinstalled in every brain.
To conclude, I need to say that I'm so, so lucky to have had a childhood that led me into such mild, even productive problems. Most people less fortunate than myself find their anxiety comes from much more pressing issues, whether it's financial or stemming from a shitty family life. That's a flavor I havn't tried, and I never want to, but I understand if my post doesn't resonate with you. If that's the case, I encourage you to write about your own issues. I would love to read about them. It would be infinitely more interesting than mine.
Thanks for reading.
I think that's normal. My only points of reference are podcasts, which I listen to every day, featuring comedians complaining about their twenties. Well, not really complaining. I'm not sure what it is, but there's a combination of regret and blissful nostalgia that lives inside of nearly every comedian I've listened to. Many of my idols have anxiety, a higher percentage cite having the problem around my age. I hope it's normal. It probably is.
I thought that my anxiety was caused mostly by college's difficulty, the constant struggle to achieve mixed with an ever-changing daily routine. That never quite felt like the answer to me, college wasn't that hard (Comm major waddup) and the routine only got hard at the end of each semester. I didn't need a break either, weeks spent home from school were sometimes the toughest to manage. I couldn't pinpoint it, but when can you? That's the toughest part about anxiety, its intangible, relentless, and always floating 1.05x arms length away.
Don't get me wrong, I've mostly kept busy and enjoyed myself up through this point, but anxiety comes through every so often and its a tough bug to get rid of. There are nearly thousands of solutions out there to the problem, too. Exercising more, healthier diet, more sleep, less masturbation, yoga, meditation, more masturbation. I've been really into one of these methods, but it's definitely more of a short-term solution.
But should there be a solution? Is there something to accomplish here? Is anxiety an ailment to cure? A puzzle to solve? The more I live within the constant ebb and flow of emotional security I tend to lean more towards a big fat 'no'. I think anxiety is here to stay, for everybody. It can be managed, of course, and some people have it way worse than others. But if you're constantly looking to eliminate all traces of anxiety, depression, sad feelings, an old addiction rearing it's seductive head, or any other demons with you right now, you're going to be constantly disappointed. And that's when anxiety really takes a hold.
So I'm just here trying to manage my anxiety. I took up a hobby a few years ago that challenged me, introduced me to friends, and allowed me to develop a skill I'm proud of. But now I'm getting anxious about placings and results. This is a new flavor of anxiety, a little less spicy but it sits in my gut for longer and tastes like black coffee.
These problems can't be solved. But they can be managed, perhaps even used. John Mulaney has a great attitude about anxiety, calling it 'free cocaine' that helps you get your work done. I tend to agree. I hope that we all can find a useful way for us to manage our own personal shitty-thought expansion pack, preinstalled in every brain.
To conclude, I need to say that I'm so, so lucky to have had a childhood that led me into such mild, even productive problems. Most people less fortunate than myself find their anxiety comes from much more pressing issues, whether it's financial or stemming from a shitty family life. That's a flavor I havn't tried, and I never want to, but I understand if my post doesn't resonate with you. If that's the case, I encourage you to write about your own issues. I would love to read about them. It would be infinitely more interesting than mine.
Thanks for reading.
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