Lotta energy for 6:30 PM

I have vanquished the day off

I used to be scared and overwhelmed of these days, and there's plenty of proof of that in this very blog. I still have bouts of anxiety whenever I have a day where I'm all alone, with nothing but my own ego to hold me accountable. I'm actually quite good at forgiving myself for the days where I do nothing, where I wake up late, potentially hung over, and do the bare minimum so that I don't completely hate myself.

I'll be honest, I just came off a week of that. Ashley and I took the week to go on two mini vacations, on which I did anything but crush it. The only thing I did crush was the wine or beers we kept having. Maybe it was the vacation that gave me the urgency that I felt today.

If I'm being even more honest, I didn't even have that incredible of a day. I woke up at 9am, showered and went to the gym, did laundry, went food shopping, and cooked dinner. The laundry I had is lying in my living room, unfolded, yet the feeling of accomplishment is still washing over me. I still have more to do, for sure. Then again, I'll always have more to do. I guess the game becomes having the energy to do those things, as well as actually enjoying the chores in real time. I'm starting to get glimpses of all of this, with moments like this of self reflection and honestly saying "It feels good to live this way."

But this is a day off, and I'm inspired to admit to myself that I want every day to be like this. An obvious goal, a dream shared by plenty of people I'm sure.

Maybe not every day though, shit, I don't know.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how inconsistent I feel about any of this. Currently I feel pretty great, let's just set that in stone. I think any day with exercise and healthy eating, plus making my own meal, is a day ought to be replicated.

There's good and bad to that inconsistency, though, like it's good how I'm slowly starting to increase the 'floor' of what makes a productive day, or how I change up my morning habits for the better because a random book told me to. Then the bad inconsistencies, the scary ones, where I seemingly change my career goals every month or so. Or that, for some reason out of my control, tomorrow might end up being a total crap shoot because hey, I had a good day on Monday!

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but that doesn't sound quite right. It took a little bit of pressure (or willpower) to turn today into what it was, and now I'm happily typing along without a shred of stress nagging at me. Maybe I just don't fully understand all of the factors that motivate me at one given time, and so when the pieces come together and form a "productive" afternoon I can only look to a decision or two that lead to that outcome, and that means I give those decisions too much credit.

Or maybe it's much simpler than I make it all out to be, and that healthy diet and exercise really do give you more energy, and when I make the small yet significant decision to go to the gym and have salad for lunch that the rest of the day is much easier to pull off. That sounds right. It's a thesis, I guess.

The scary part is when that isn't enough, when the momentum wears off or some cosmic alignment doesn't work in my favor, and I realize that there's a limit to our willpower and sometimes we gotta eat shit from time to time. Realistically, when I'm reading the words as they're coming out, that's not that scary. But it certainly is confusing.

I think the really shitty part, when I try my absolute best to be as self-critical as possible, is realizing that there's still not much that's really produced. Like yes, I wrote this blog, and I'm about to record an episode of "The Wannabes", but there's still something that I need to work on without knowing exactly what it is. That might be the next step for me. I need to write something real, something that can be made, something that will actually fulfill me creatively. That is the work that will advance my life, not just burn off vacation calories, clean my clothes, or prepare food for the week.

So, fuck, I scared myself. I didn't know there was anything to be scared of going into this. I genuinely thought I would sit here and marvel at my massively successful Monday... but, no, I guess that's not where I'm at. I need to find a project, something that will convert the energy from the gym and salad and turn it into real, creative fulfillment.

That's when I can have a 'perfect day.' Anything less might as well be a waste of time.

This really matters

Just had a big tourmament. Feels nice. Ive done this before, written down my thoughts after a big win. This is fresher, though. Im still in the phase where i get to enjoy it, where the tweet i sent out picks up buzz and friends reach out with their "good shit dudes" and various positive emojis. Its all.. great. It warms me up all over, despite my rain-soaked socks and general dampness. 

Its not profoundly emotional, at least not anymore. Immediately after each set, yea. Beating leighton felt great, since he's been on a tear these last few months. Slox was a surprise, and what really stood out was how i grasped the win. 2 stock each game, executed with discipline and a clarity that i havnt felt in a while, maybe ever. Im not sure if ive ever felt so confident, and somehow i was able to access it again 10-15 minutes later against smuckers. 3-1 Against him, one 3 stock. I played strong. I deserved it.

Ive matured as a competitor enough to know how much this actually matters. Rankings wise, not at all. HNC is in the early stages, still, and not counting towards any PR. Maybe this helped me remain comfortable. In any case, im not too broken up about it. The wins still matter.

Its important to be validated in melee. Its not a cool thing to say, but we all seek it as players. I want the glory. Its taken a long time to accept that, to allow myself to seek the glorious victory and bask in the after glow. A healthy dose of that juice isnt just good for you, it's critical. Without it, where is the drive? What makes up the eternal fountain from which all competitors drink if not for the thrill of the win?

The tough part is, these goal posts are always moving. Playing the same people and getting the same "good wins" has diminishing returns, and context is everything. Im lucky to have had moments like this come with a sort of seasonal frequency, enough to where i never forget the taste but not so much as to have it be expected of me. Ive had bad tournaments too, of course. Brackets that knock the wind out of me, leaving me dazed and sending me out of the venue to walk and recover. Without these failures, of course, this current moment is almost nothing. 

Even without ever bustering out, playing to your seed starts to wear a person down. These wins prove to me that im capable, my gameplay proves that im better, this feeling proves that this is all worth it. 

Kind like "Oh yea. That's what this feels like. This is the best feeling in the world."

I wont project where this takes my ambition, how i continue on my training, my lifestyle or habits, who knows how it will play out. Now is not the time to set those plans. 

Im home now. Time to change these socks and knock the FUCK out.

Thanks for reading <3

I'm still not a better person

I cancelled my World of Warcraft subscription.

Note: If you're unfamiliar with the controversy surrounding Blizzard and Hong Kong, I suggest reading into it here

It's the first "political" action I've ever taken, besides voting. And I did it selfishly, not because I feel like it will really make any difference. I read a comment, something off-hand on Reddit, that said it's ok to take a stand on something like this just because it feels good. And so I cancelled it, and I'm sure my short-term productivity gains will prove this was a good decision.

I'm much more influenced by outside influence than I'm comfortable admitting. I take compliments to heart and insults to the gut. I follow closely the engagements on my Tweets and downloads on my podcast. Sometimes I'll look to my bank account for validation, not because I have a lot of money by any means, but because I had no money when I started working full time and it feels good seeing progress. I'd be lying if I said it's a priority to change this about myself, but some part of me is always aware that it's not healthy to lean on these things for any sort of happiness or stability. There is no magic number that will fulfill me completely, no viral tweet that will launch an amazing career. This part is just to remind myself of that.

This feels different, though. Like anyone else, I've been loosely following the Hong Kong protests in these months(?) for which they've been going on. I cheer for their tenacity, and even though there's virtually little I can do, this one action feels like solidarity. That even though I understand it's entirely for my own well being and conscious-soothing purposes, I can say without hesitation that I did something. I also know that every time I would pay that monthly payment, I was supporting a company that bent over backwards to satisfy China's brutal regime. I'm sure I do 100 things that contradict this, and I'm not trying to piss off any of my family in writing this, but I'm just here telling the story of the day. I quit something I enjoyed because my politics urged me to do so. I believe I acted truthfully. I do, indeed, feel better.

So now I'm thinking of what leads me to do anything, what constitutes "duty" or other such similar buzzwords. Is it enough to simply pay attention and react with honesty? Is it our duty to completely understand the days' topics, trusting the media with a grain of salt, finding the absolute truth before doing anything? How much of that is actually finding validation for doing the things we just want to do anyway?

How much soul searching is appropriate in simple consumption decisions, and at what point is it crippling? We of course need to take action eventually, we need to eat and shower and stay mentally sane. How can I tell when I'm being driven by Id or Ego, and when my willpower is low, how much self-criticism do I hammer into my head? These thoughts orbit me like dynamically-sized moons, mysteriously fluctuating in power, affecting my tides on a whim and causing blind spots at inopportune times. Sometimes they serendipitously align, leading me into a day of expression and love and confidence, bellowing positive waves for days to come and enchanting my mood with a faint golden hue. As though a sign from God, there's just now a beautiful sunrise coming through my window, angled just right so as to bless my hands but avoid my eyes.

I don't want to sound pompous or pretentious, since this is all just a basic action that many people would consider easy anyway. But I enjoyed my time with WoW Classic very much so, and have done a great deal of mental work to justify and accept how I played it. In the two months it's been out, I've accumulated more than 80 hours of play time. I can judge that number all I want, and I invite you to do so to your heart's content.

I now look to Hong Kong with a selfish and vain gratitude, as their actions and commitment to justice simply let me become more productive with my mornings. How fucked up is that? It's the best I can do, though. At least for now.

I walk away from this not with pride, not with a better understanding of honor or duty, but really just a good morning under my belt. A cold slap in the face to remind myself of what I value, and a short battle between my Id and Ego where the Ego emerges victorious. Maybe this is a first step to a capital G Good life, or maybe just a one-off virtue signalling content-seeking ploy for attention, or a simple way to satiate my growing fears and insecurities about the world.

 It's not as fun as Warcraft though, I'll tell you that much.

Make Money off Melee

Welp, it's that time of the Melee community's conversation life-cycle when we all despair on our game's financial opportunity. Or lack thereof.

Time to crack my knuckles and cautiously enter the fray yet again, and yes, I'm overtly aware of my position in all of this. Not as invested as top players, not as visible as top commentators, not nearly as committed as the top TO's. But I have opinions dammit, and I've covered/thought about the topic enough to at least give some insight.

So what's the problem here?

Melee is a difficult game to love, sometimes. We all know its intrinsic value, everyone inside the community has no trouble understanding why we love it so much, and what draws us to competition and large events. The game, the community, the energy, all of it. It's engaging and big and feels important, and the bonds I made within its borders are some of the strongest I've felt in my entire life.

There has been a common understanding that the finances are hard to pull off, damn near impossible for 99.9% of players. And, opinion time, that's kinda where most Esports are right now. We all see the big Fortnite and Dota 2 prize pools hitting the news, breaking records and confusing our relatives, and every time those winners hold up their seven figure checks the Melee world breathes a collective sigh into their bowl of Captain Crunch. "Why can't Nintendo support us like that?" we ask ourselves, before slurping down the remains of our dinner.

It's true, our developers don't support us. There are paths to this changing, feasible business strategies that rely on Nintendo fundamentally changing their views on Esports and 'Gambling', but most of these outcomes are a Pipe-dream. We know this. Most conversations, then, don't become about finding a million dollar meal ticket, but rather about survival. How do we keep our game alive, as we wander through the desert in the fruitless search of a promised land?

When players like Fiction and iBDW are pushing the game to it's limits, taking sets off of the absolute elite, yet can't seem to find a sponsor, what does that tell us? If players of that caliber are struggling to find stability, hell, even a stipend, then that's as much of a canary in a coalmine as I can imagine.

Financially speaking, our community is in the wilderness. Personally, I'm happy that I've never became a top player, since their struggle exceeds that of a local PR. To reach the top echelon of play requires sacrifice, both time and money, and when there are bills to pay it starts to become a question of "is this worth it?" Right now, we don't really have the answers.

 As I've said in a previous post, aimed at Moky and iBDW, the best bet is for our rising stars to buckle down on brand and do everything in their power to market themselves. Slime puts it simply in a tweet, saying "Your job is to ultimately sell doritos, by being a god gamer, that's how the ecosystem works. any time you do something online or appear [sic] ask yourself "how will this help sell doritos"

Melee won't bring in money, but attention will. Our most important KPI is not exactly viewership, which is great for big tournaments, but rather our returning viewers. We have a strong following, a committed community, and that is 100% marketable. Maybe Doritos isn't elbowing through Bugals and Lays for a spot on our stream, but there are absolutely opportunities out there. The question is, how do we get them in on the action? Smashers in the marketing world, this is your time to shine.

There's an incredibly important point that always gets lost in these arguments, and that's the TO's and other people working in the background for these events. They are the liver of the melee community, misunderstood, critical to life,  and constantly dealing with problems caused by alcohol. The TO's are running a thankless gig, and frankly I don't have the capacity to speak their truth right now. I reached out on Twitter to hopefully find someone that can shed light on their side of all of this, but from what I understand, they aren't exactly rolling in dough themselves. The Tournament Organizers might be the most important part of this solution, because guess what, if Taco Bell approaches us with a million dollar deal, It'll be Juggleguy handling negotiations before Mang0 does.

Let me end off with my personal experience, with my fledgling melee podcast and a short history of traveling. The greatest thing financial opportunities in Melee are likely outside of the game itself. Networking is brought up a lot, and although there might be some semantic satiation that renders the word meaningless, it's undoubtedly true that a wider network will help you find a good job. A job you don't hate, and one that can support your melee endeavors as we wander endlessly through the desert. Getting a part-time gig is not losing, it's called making a living. Every artist, comedian, singer, etc. has supported themselves this way. It needs to be considered.

For the top players, building a stream if of course important, but I'll stress that distribution is much more so. Look at Ludwig, he doesn't just stream, he has a YT channel and twitter accounts that puts his content out frequently. He gets commercials and sells merch. His commitment to content has gotten him to where he is today. Brand yourself. Marketing is the way out. Sell those Doritos.

 "cool ranch will lead you to the promised land" - Slime

Sorry. I've been Playing WoW

I really shouldn't have to apologize.

There's a sinus like pressure building up in my.. well, i don't know exactly where to place it. My soul? Too dramatic. My ego, maybe. Somewhere in my brain, where my responsibilities reach my ambitions, I have a gnawing feeling that I'm doing something terribly wrong. I'm talking about, of course, world of warcraft classic being released and me playing it nearly as much as possible.

I actually wrote about this a few weeks back, but never felt the need to put it out on facebook the way I usually do. Maybe it was the shame. Actually yea, that's all it was. A bit of proof that this isn't a new feeling, that I was hesitant from the start, and that I can't shake the feeling that I'm not going about this the right way.

Right now, I don't feel guilt. I love playing this game again, especially at a time where I'm actually old enough to understand what to do. It's immersive as hell, it's fun and challenging, and it's filled with nostalgia. Like, that's it. That literally should be it.

The sad truth is, WoW isn't a game, it's a lifestyle. I'm not saying that I'm hardcore about it by any stretch, just in case my gamer friends think I'm flexing over here. All I know is that there's no other Video game like it. No Youtube channel, TV show, Streaming platform... Hell, even getting into TikTok didn't put such a dent into my free-time. WoW has, over the passed few weeks, stolen my free hours away from anything that wasn't pinned down. It has given me a new reason to wake up early for work, shit man, I even downloaded it on my office computer so I have a chance to play it when I'm not home. I am in there bros and brahs, and I have feelings about it.

And before I let anybody down, let me say that I don't have a take on this. Not yet, at least. All I can do is put words into existence and see how they feel reading back to me. I'm in strange territory here, since my ego is still too big to admit how easily I fell into the same routines that I had at age 14. I don't know if I'm ashamed of myself, and I don't know if I'm having a great time. All I do know is that I have gotten this far listening to my gut, and going against it has gotten me in trouble before. All I know is that today, for no particular reason, I felt more inclined to scribble down my madness instead of leap into the enticingly violent grasp of a gaming masterpiece. That's why I'm here instead of there. My gut says there's something wrong.

Now, I'm not going to quit. No way. I think I'm comfortable enough in saying that this game is insanely fun. Different than any gaming experience I've had in my entire life, even compared to playing this same exact thing as a kid. Somehow, it has exceeded every expectation that I had placed onto it, since I'm not only living in the nostalgia of a (seemingly) long-lost youth, but I'm correcting my mistakes in real time. I'm succeeding where I had once failed. blistering passed progress that would have taken me thrice the game-time as a dumb-ass kid.

Not only that, but I haven't sacrificed anything that's truly detrimental to my life...

Well, hold on a second.

Maybe I don't mean "truly." I most likely mean "immediately." I don't **Think** that I'm screwing myself over, doing something wrong, acting in a way that I may regret down the line. Figuring that our is an impossible task. I guess where I'm at, and what my real struggle might be, is trying to gain perspective on that voice in the back of my head. Is this just a mild warning, like a yellow check engine light that acts more as a distraction than a function? Or is it a loud trumpet that I'm just covering with one of those cones that they gave the weakest musicians in marching band?

How am I to react to my own self doubts, and can they be useful in any way? I'm lucky enough to have reached a point where I'm not in despair, and stable enough to know that it will take a lot of mistakes in order to really screw up my life. I want so badly to remain on a stable pathway up, to give myself quarterly reports as a human that satisfies my inner critic.

-------------------------------------Dinner Break-------------------------------------

Man, I need to stop complaining about this. It's not fair to give this self doubt so much credence. It's not wrong to find joy and to seek more of it when given the opportunity, and it's not short sighted to enjoy playing video games. I don't know where this fear comes from, or this lingering, pestering feeling that it's not okay to have fun.

If I'm being honest, though, is that I'm struggling to reconcile my desire to play games with my desire to create and produce and achieve. Maybe a little willpower is exactly what I need right now, some self-discipline in the face of the well-crafted, undeniably strong, behemoth dopamine factory that is World of Warcraft. I shouldn't deny myself it's glorious adventure, but I can't delude myself into believing it is true glory. I need to realize that the parental warnings given to me in my adolescence were not for their amusement, but rather an understanding that their loved one might make some tragic mistakes. 

So whatever this noise is, whether it's the remnant of loving parents' misguided advice, my own ambition trying to steer the ship, or simply the newest form of my anxiety just trying to fuck my shit up, there's something to listen to. 

But for now, the grind continues.

Spending time aint cheap

On Thursday, World of Warcraft Classic made it's long anticipated entrance back into my life. Like most 9-5 working adults I have only limited opportunities to put my time into this sort of game, and this weekend blessed me with the perfect storm: Girlfriend out for the weekend, Labor day, and only a few responsibilities of my own. I would end up jumping back into a game that had been a huge part of my early teenage years, for better or worse.

There are a lot of ways to approach this topic, and realistically I'm only writing this to explore my own thoughts on the matter. Let's get this out of the way first, I spent 28 hours in the game, over a 4 day span. That's seven hours a day, dog. That's a pure binge.

And with any binge, Netflix or otherwise, there's a degree of shame that comes along for the ride. I'm not sure where that shame comes from, my guess is it's a remnant of my parent's voice as a 14 year old, who also spent every second he could immersed in WoW. Maybe there's some regret about how I spent my Saturday, and that the opportunity cost of playing a game I enjoy was that I was falling behind on creative endeavors or other entrepreneurial pursuits. Or maybe I've internalized what it means to spend "too much" time playing, and no matter what I do with my life or what position I am in, I will have the urge to turn around, point my finger up and say with confidence "I am ok with this, and I will prove it to you." If I'm being completely truthful, I would say that I'm really not that ashamed of myself at all, and that I had a good time, and that I would do it again.

The long term planning, intellectual side of my brain gives off little warning signs when I admit to these types of things. I need to listen to that, because even though society is bullshit and we should be able to enjoy ourselves without strings attached or a master plan to monetize every single thing we do, there are still parts of myself that know what it's like to make the mistake of playing too much. Shame can have a purpose, and it can save us. It's what brought me to write this down, rather than rush to level 24 in the hour I have to play this morning. It's what made me quit in the past and refuse to bring a computer to college, entirely out of fear that I would lean on the gaming too much and fall behind. And even though I just started playing this game, and that it's been out for less than a week, I understand that there is no room in my life to maintain this level of commitment. I will enjoy it until it's no longer fun, and then I will phase it out. And there's no shame in that.

I'm going to have this conversation with myself again, no doubt. Video games are in an interesting place right now, where there is room to leverage them into careers or side hustles, and the way we treat them has become intertwined with capitalism and our society at large. Super preachy here, let's chill for a second.

Gaming doesn't have to have an end goal... Right? I can just enjoy my time off, hang in voice chat with my friends, and immerse myself in a world that hasn't existed in years. My gut says that there is value here, and that should be enough.

Maybe later in my life all of these luxuries will be gone. Perhaps I will have kids, and when I'm sitting at a tee-ball game I will day dream of the last time I had a Saturday off, killing mobs and healing through dungeons. If I really want to live in a delusional world, I might say that I have a responsibility to my future self to play as much as humanly possible, front loading my enjoyment and giving myself plenty of memories to cling on too when my time becomes a scarce resource.

Who knows why I'm not ashamed. Maybe I'm less ambitious than I once thought, or maybe I want to hide from the giant mistakes I've made. It's honestly tough to say. I won't lash myself for the sake of seeming like I have a successful mindset. That's just not the way I roll. I'm here for a good time, baby! Live large and no regrets, etc. etc.

But man, this weekend was a good time. Here's to next labor day.

It's More Than Melee

I'll go easy on myself this time.

Last weekend I went to Super Smash Con, a yearly tournament and convention in Virginia that entirely centers around, well, Super Smash Bros. It's a great time if you're as into it as I am, and being in a place where other people share your same obsession is really what the ideal "nerd" life comes down to. Comicon, Twitchcon, all the 'Cons, they're all celebrations of people's passions. That whole conversation is more of a vibe thing, though. I was really there to compete, as I do a few times a year at these "Major" tournaments.

Most of what I want to write about here is just a precursor to my podcast, since that's entirely focused on Melee, Will and I's experiences with it, and what we want out of it. I just realized now, four days after, that I had a very dense and compact experience, and that it will take more than the passive passage of time for me to fully absorb it. I love Majors for this reason, in that there's so much to take in and so much to learn.

When I talk about these tournaments to new players going to their first, I try not to fall into the tropes of a veteran's advice. "Have fun" or "Make the most of it!" are bullshit one liners that mean nothing, even though they're technically true. I don't look at these events as places where I'll have fun, since I'll have a good time regardless. I can't possibly make the most of it, since that doesn't really describe of what Is being made the most. Maybe I should make the most fun. Having the most fun is quite the achievement, and it usually goes to that one 8 year old that shows up with their parents and plays on the casual set up with three other kids. That's the most fun, absolutely. Good luck competing with that.

Sometimes it's hard to understand how to handle yourself at these events. Being a serious competitor makes it all much easier, though. I get to segment my weekend into distinguishable parts, tackling each part head on and applying lowering levels of discipline each time. For instance, when I first arrive at the hotel or venue, my goal is to do well in bracket. That's it. I will say hi to friends that I haven't seen in months, but it's not on my agenda to seek them out. I'm here to play, to warm up, to practice, and to compete. I will prioritize sleep and nutrition. I will be upfront those in my same hotel room, letting them know my individual needs and asking them to wait until later in the weekend to degenerate too hard. Ya do what ya gotta do. After all, we only get one shot at it.

Once I'm out of tournament though, that's when things heat up. One thing about this community, and I think it's actually a unique characteristic in the gaming world, is that we all know how to have a good time. We're playing a party game after all, so logic says we should have acquired some skill in how to party. We also play an old game, ie. no online play. We've been forced to travel to each others houses if we want to actually practice. Social interaction is important to us, and I take pride in that the friends I've made in the smash community would be a great time in almost any setting, with or without smash. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to have a friendlies room at my wedding, though.

The toughest thing about these weekend trips is the adjustment period afterwards. These last few days are historically when I have the worst time, when I need to get back onto a normal sleep schedule and catch up on any responsibilities pushed off by a full weekend. I actually did not have a bad time this week, likely since I avoided eating entirely fast food outside the venue, but some people don't get the same leniency. There are top players that make their living by traveling constantly, and if they treated these tournaments the same way I did then they would need to quit within a few months. Sustainability and health is a big conversation that's only being had among the top players. Interesting how that works, yea?

Outside of smash, there still exists that strange dichotomy of healthy living and finding joy. Alcohol is the x factor, but food, television, Social media, etc. are all a part of that equation. Video games likely rank as one of the most satisfying and addictive means of finding pleasure, and the culture around it oftentimes focuses on maximizing that fun in the micro as opposed to the macro. Late night sessions and drinking full bottles, gamers are often looking for that *ugh* epic night. 

I think I'm starting to develop my own philosophy on this, in that I want to be able to have a medium amount of fun for as long as possible. I don't want to give up these wonderful trips, where I hang out with some of my favorite people in the only circumstances that I see them, just because I consistently feel sick and tired every time I return home. Alternatively, I need to be able to let my id run free, since a total focus on my longevity will take me out of the moment and lead me into an anxious and boring life. Striking the balance is my goal now, and it's actually been more of a positive experience than I could have hoped for. I don't feel like shit now, and I had a good time then. All around, pretty damn good. That's a my goal, to have a pretty damn good time, all the time.

Returning home on Sunday night, 1:30 AM, with a bag full of dirty clothes and a phone completely drained of battery, there's an undeniable feeling that I have created an important set of memories. This time around I made it a focus to spend time with a few important people, meet a few more, and not let anything get too "big picture-y." I played a lot of super smash bros. That's the real point.

I actually love this point of the trip, a few days afterwards during quiet, sober reflection, because it's when everything is the most clear. I have identified a cornerstone of my life, and have spent enough time with it and gotten good enough at it (49th out of ~850) that I can be proud in proclaiming how important it is to me. It's allowed me to be creative, pushed me to produce, and given me a sense of community practically on demand. It's allowed me to more fully understand what I value in my life, not fun or health but the cross section between them. I have another major next weekend, which is another opportunity to test my philosophy and spend time with important folks. I want to do well, but even that stress doesn't weigh on me the same way it once did. I don't compete to win, or to increase my reputation. I compete to explore myself. This is how I grow.

I'm also accepting all money matches, come at me nerds.

"Hilariously Misguided Rantings of a Slow-Moving Train wreck"

I only write first thing in the morning. It's the only time of the day where I don't need to twist my own arm to sit down and start, the only time when my mind feels defogged and ready to bounce around. Sometimes I wish I could do it at any point, and not just when my body tells me it's the right time.

I think a lot of what I do is because it's the path of little resistance. I like to minimize the amount of anxiety that I get.. which doesn't sound profound or unique at all. An optimist would say I'm simply following my heart. I do that which makes me happy, in the moment. This means I play a lot of video games, sure, but I've also found that too much of those, and at the wrong times, makes me unhappy.

I have a framework in my head that leads me to do only that which flows easily and without much turmoil. It's great in the moment, I usually sleep just fine at night, but in times of somber, early morning reflection, I'll get caught up in the practicality of it all. How much should I value this level of comfort? It makes me a happy dude, for sure. The whole philosophy of doing what you enjoy is helpful when things go sour and you need time to get back on that serotonin kick. I've found that I enjoy pushing myself too, breaking through the initial discomfort of learning a new task or starting a new venture. There is really nothing to worry about, since I've proven to myself time and time again that I'm willing to put myself in difficult situations just to see if I can pull it off. I did it in college, albeit to an excess, and through that experience I've learned to really hone this whole mindset thing to something I actually have pride in.

For once I'm not using this blog to berate myself. I think I've got a good thing going.

Now, I don't know how to give advice on "achieving" this mindset, nor do I even know how this will turn out, so maybe I shouldn't suggest it at all. Who knows. This will be valuable in 8 years, when the results come in and I get to point at things to say "See? Follow your heart, take your time, etc." I long for the day when I can legitimately help people find their own happiness, because right now, even if I have something good on my hands, there's no way to tell if I'm doing the right thing. This is all a long game. I could be wrong, my family and friends could be wrong, and this whole blog could be renamed the "hilariously misguided rantings of a slow-moving train wreck." Seriously, who knows.

That's why I'm always hard on myself, I think. At least in these posts, when it's time for me to sit with myself and try to etch my sub-conscious into the real world, It's most valuable for me to be critical. What's the point in listing out what's been going right with me? It would be more embarrassing to read these in 8 years and see my 24-year old self popping off about a good day at work than a sad deconstruction of my own ego. If you want to know what's going well in my life, ask me in person. I'll likely tell you then, since I can actually see you smile.

The Long-Term 'Mmmmh'

My problem is that I keep waiting for a payoff.

A big paradigm shift, where my entire life seems to come together seamlessly, like in a dream where you end up in a completely different place with no clue as to why. I keep longing for this massive boost, but it slows me down. Why would my dreams come true now? It's obviously too early. It's like I picked a perfect spot to see the sunrise, set up my lawn chair, then found out it's only 1am. What am I doing here with so much desire? Don't I know that it's going to bring me down?

This is the part where I feel inclined to start telling myself that it's okay. That it's natural to want your career to improve and even more natural to be impatient about it. It might be good to swing back to my mantra for a second, to stay patient, to wrap my wounds in creative gauze and start getting back into my rhythm for as long as possible. That's what my intuition says to do. That would be nice if I didn't just call it out, effectively hamstringing myself into finding another way.

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I've realized lately that I'm much less emotionally stable than I thought I was. Not that I'm going crazy over here, I'm still okay, I just didn't really know how easily certain things would calm me down. Namely, food. I could take my entire morning commute inside of an existential-doubt-spiral, a patented 16 year old ultimate move, and by lunch I'm completely over it. Same thing on the way home, I could be stressed out the wazoo but feel zen after making a pot of mashed potatoes. This is something I didn't quite know about myself. Food can help cure emotions. Let's check in with my gut in 5 years, shall we?

It's not just food, it's all sorts of 'sugar'. Not just pop tarts, but mobile gaming and extra cups of coffee. It's the short term 'mmmh' feeling that kicks me back into it, but that needs to not be the case ASAP. I need the long term 'mmmh'. I want to be able to know that whenever I sit down to make something, to be creative, to put myself out there, that it's not just practice for when it really matters. I want it to mean something now.

There's a wash of shame that came over me, really quick, as if to remind me that this is the hole that I didn't want to find myself in. It's like my brain telling me "No shit, everyone wants their stuff read, everyone wants to be noticed, every writer wants people reading. No shit. No shit."

The cold truth is that I need to work harder if any of this is going to work. I don't need to forgive myself, I don't need self-care, I don't need an internet detox or a diet change or an exercise regime or a youtube-creators-course or a personal coach or anything that's outside of my own mind. I just need to do my shit daily and step it up. For real. For real, for real. Just step it up.

So that anxiety I feel on the way to work? Listen to it. Don't push it away, don't excuse it on to something or somebody else, listen to it hard. Sit in it, turn your music off if you need to. Why am I feeling the way that I feel, and what can I do about it? How can I make sure this happens less? What am I missing?

Digesting Patience

There's pressure happening. I need this to help me figure it out.

I can place partial blame on about 8 different things. Work.. sure, work is hard. Podcast, yea, there's more to be done. Writing and Ebay-ing and paying rent and managing plans.. All these little things seem to creep up every once in a while and then I'm tested. That's what it feels like now, another test.

Let me set the tone more accurately: I'm not doing too bad. At least, I don't think I am. I rattled my own confidence yesterday, which was just a lost battle in perspective. I allowed myself to indulge a "woe is me" mentality, then fought to regain control, then indulged again. I got frustrated at my coworkers, and boss, and myself. All over things that, ultimately, didn't really impact my life. That was work.

With my projects I feel like I'm falling behind, and so every moment I spend on myself in the present feels like I'm screwing over myself in the future. The balance is the hard part, since I know that going too fast is just as dangerous as slowing down to a halt. I've started off this race with momentum, and now I'm coming up on a series of hills. I feel like I'm either trudging up to the peak, or losing control on the way back down. Actually, right now it feels like both at the same time.

And that's where my anxiety is at. All these things, all at the same time. Part of me wants to quit my job and just figure it all out myself, but that's not going to happen. That's like being on a stranded island with half a raft, a hut with no roof, 3 days food supply, and pronouncing "Time to start giving out tours!" It's just not the time. It clearly is not.

So it's back to patience, which is always the game, and I'm back to where I started. Keep moving, trudge along, and see how far these things go. Be the old man power-walking at 7am, not the high-schooler running sprints.

Is that who I am? Am I the person to take it slow, or do I feel like I need to since it sounds really smart to do so? Am I the person to consistently take the advice of those who are older and wiser? "Patience" as a mantra did not come from inside of me, it was not materialized from my personal ambition and desire to achieve. It was a dangling fruit from the first tree I saw, in the direction pointed to by my parents. I picked this fruit and inspected it briefly, then ate the whole thing with my eyes closed. And now I sit at this tree, digesting it slowly, somehow surprised that nothing has yet happened. What was I expecting? That was the whole point.

And now that I've committed to this plan, at least in the sense that I don't have the willpower to fight the Lost-cost fallacy, I have to reevaluate my goals. Not just now, but constantly. What is it that I want? Do I just want some sort of change, now? Do I want my patience to be paid off somewhere, somehow, in any degree of success? Do I want to double down on myself, figuring out how to do more and face less anxiety? If I had to guess, I'd say the best thing for me would be to limit the amount of days that I doubt this grand strategy. If I've eaten the fruit, and those that love me have encouraged me to live this way, then is it not better to adapt within this reality than to throw it all out the window?

If I can focus all of my energy on not quitting, will things work out? Will the pieces come together smoothly, or do I need to take out a hammer and smash them together?

Self analysis, right now: I need to realize that there was never a correct path forward. That every single fruit on that tree, from "Backpack through Europe" to "Throw my phone into the ocean and become a farmer" to "Go to grad school" would all leave me in a similar magnitude of uncertainty. There was no magic answer, and certainly no way to ever know about it even if it did exist.

The only thing I can do is constantly look to myself for the answers. Am I doing what's right, for me? Am I dictating my life based on my head, or my heart? Can I take these moments of doubt and get through to the other side, battered and bruised but without injury, and find my way back to a daily life of enjoyment?

 I think I can. I already feel better, in fact.

A snapshot. A pretty good snapshot.

Been a little while since I shook off all the muck.

Not that muckiness has been building up, or that I haven't had any sort of outlet. To tell the truth, things have been going well the last few weeks. I wish I was more consistent with my moods, but I'm not sure if that's something I can exactly will into existence. The only consistency I can actually have is that of my habits, my work ethic, and how I spend my free time. All of those things are in check, and I'll give them a 7/10 for the passed week. Not too shabby.

Living in my own apartment has more ups than downs, fortunately. I have to be a big boy now with my expenses, but that's just a matter of living within my means. no biggie. It's actually been pretty rewarding to shift into a more frugal mindset, to shop with purpose, to cost-benefit analyze my weekends and hobbies. It's made me realize the appeal of getting a good job, a fat paycheck, a high income. I enjoy where I'm at now, though, so I don't feel a pressure to prioritize having more. I guess I just don't judge people for working jobs that make them a lot of money the same way I used to.

It's funny how much judgement goes on for other people's careers. I don't feel that judgement towards myself, since I've become really good at explaining my workplace in a favorable or entertaining way. That's a luxury that I've crafted for myself, unique to people with a performative side and a storage of confidence fostered by good parents. For a lot of folks, there seems to be this highly binary and surface level discussion of what makes a good job. Is it soul-crushing, or are you passionate about it? Do you make a lot of money or not nearly enough?

This is somewhat of an ingrained conversation to me, stemming from the drastic difference of opinions of my long divorced parents. I was drinking from two pools simultaneously, the "stability leads to happiness" approach and the "Make passion your job and you'll never need to work" approach. At first, this was a perfect recipe for perpetual cognitive dissonance. Then, somewhere in college, I decided that neither one of them had merit at the exact same time. That's when I overbooked myself and worked very hard at a lot of things I didn't enjoy. It seriously put the "con" in contrapositive.      that joke is amazing


So an unstable life doing things I don't enjoy... that's no bueno. I feel bad for the people who pursued finance jobs or other insanely demanding NYC jobs because they thought more money = more stability. I'm sure I don't need to preach on how that's not the case, since there's a thing as work/life balance, etc. The tough part, and what's interesting to me, is figuring out where all these concepts actually fit together. How do I pursue passions in a stable way? Actually, shit, it's not that hard. I'm already doing that. Introspection over, life solved, time to live up my 20's.

Nah, of course it's not that easy. At this point in time, though, I don't feel pressured to ask myself anymore about this. For real, no lie. I've gotten pretty good at pressing on the gas enough to keep things moving, but not so much as to lose control or take on too much. I have things on my agenda, some "extra curriculars" that need my attention, but truthfully I know that they're just opportunities to feel accomplishment one they're finished. That's, well, not too bad!

I'm coming out of a slump now, and it feels good to have some positivity to share again. This is just a snapshot, I still need to keep these things afloat of course, but for now I'll enjoy it. It's a beautiful day, too! Not too shabby.

Fishing for Confidence

Who would have thought that recording a podcast about Super Smash Brothers would help my mental health

I'm not as emotionally stable as I thought I was. I like to think it's just an age thing, and that every 23 year old is in a constant flux of enthusiasm and despair. Not that I wish this sort of discomfort on anybody, but it'd be nice to know that other people are equally fucked up.

Truthfully, I'm not doing that bad. Things are still where they were, no tragedy has befallen me, my finances are fine, most things are normal. What set me off yesterday was of such little consequence, such silliness in perspective that I'm almost embarrassed to talk about it. Lo and behold, I mentioned it while the recording light was on, and soon enough it will be out there for the world to judge. I guess I'm okay with that.

The short of it was that a house tournament called "Brooklyn Kumite 2" went down this sunday and I was brought on as a commentator. I was excited for the opportunity to get on the mic, have fun with the other invitees, play some games, entertain, commentate, watch good melee. Unfortunately, we were ill equipped to handle 4 people on a couch talking into a mic, and it was replaced with a room mic. We also didn't have a webcam on us at any point. I'm not sure when it really happened, since I got pretty drunk all day,  but an anxiety started to bubble up in me and come Monday morning I was a nervous wreck of self doubt and insecurity. I reconsidered everything I had done to this point, compared myself to other people constantly, and had several bouts of panic about where any of this was headed. They weren't even fully fledged thoughts, no real questions of my motives or the possibility of my passions, zero clue of why I felt the way I did. I felt guilt about the anxiety, that my obligation was to bring about positivity, that my job was to have fun and participate, and that I was failing those around me.  It sucked, it really did.

So I brought this up to Will last night, I don't really remember everything from the conversation, but I felt like some healing was done already. I didn't come up with any, like, solutions, but for now I'm relieved. I came to realize that writing is what I'm drawn to, it's what I actually enjoy. There's precedent for being a writer, not so much some other things. Not to say it's easy.

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Next day.. Feeling, better?

I'm lucky to have these quick dips into the void, rather than long and drawn out soaks. I have my support system, stability in my relationship and job, and legitimately solid creative endeavors. I don't have a lot to ache for, unless I reach too hard in front of me. Then I metaphorical shoulder of ambition.

I'm not going to fault myself for feeling the way I did. There's no real lesson to be learned by self flagellation, no joy in it either. If there's one thing I've improved on over the years its the degree to which I criticize myself. That's to say I've eased up how often it happens, as well as how badly it hurts. I can't really be too mad at myself for how I handled my melancholic episode, since I allowed it to be where I was at and didn't try to force myself out of it. I wrote, I worked, I drove home and listened to Radiohead while laying in bed at 7 pm. That's the good-sad stuff, the single glass of wine while watching a favorite show. Instead of listing off all of my obligations, or the opposite, ignoring them completely, I allowed them to pop up in my head and let them drift off. Should they come back, fine. I need to handle it eventually, so I appreciate how they pop up from time to time to annoy me.

In other news, I was given an opportunity to submit articles to a well-established eSports brand for their website, so I'm going to do that. That's good. It's a good start.

No idea what the style will be, who I will become when representing something bigger than myself, but I'm sure it will be a good learning experience. Okay, that's it. Time to get to work.

You Ever Take Your Brain And Smush It Into a Bowl?

Hot damn it's coming down this morning!

I don't know why, but I always tend to feel like things are stagnating in my life when logically I know they aren't. Why is that? Is it because progress is usually very slow, and when we are inside of something it's difficult to really gain perspective on it?

Or is it that I'm not as committed as I need to be, in order to progress in what I'm trying to progress? Would I feel more confident in my journey if I had more achievements or milestones to point to and say "Look, I am on the right path. I know I'm doing well, because this was accomplished."

It seems unlikely that I just need an award or a threshold of viewers or readers or comments or likes. I already know this, and I know enough not to chase those types of rewards that exploit something in my brain, giving me a little dose of happiness and energy... Intellectually I know this. When I sit down and try to figure it out, that's when it's obvious. Day to day though, I'm always sucked in. When I have a good idea for a tweet and get excited when my notifications pop up, when I'm posting this stupid blog to Facebook and track how many people actually take a look. Why can't I stop it? Are there steps I'm missing here?

There's likely a middle ground I keep missing in the shuffle, a point where I can have my cake but only eat half. Maybe I'm on that right path, and as I swivel back and forth to finding my best direction I'm still heading forward, and that there is no perfect trajectory. The big fear is that I'm wasting time, and that the frivolous distractions of media will keep me from my potential. It's not unlikely. That's why it seems like I need to take drastic action from time to time. Why completing my habitual progression feels just like any other chore, on occasion. Why I want to feel like the things I'm doing are resonating with someone. The fear that the steps I'm taking are not enough, that just because I enjoy doing something doesn't mean it's worth the time. The fear is that a consistent journey will always be surpassed by someone smarter, and faster, and more passionate. Am I doing this all wrong?

Oftentimes I'll lean into this fear, taking it further and further until I'm on the verge of hopelessness. Why I do this is a mystery, perhaps an attempt of my subconscious to keep me from getting my hopes up. There's only so much a positive mindset can manifest into the world, no? Or maybe it's all backwards, and the only time I'm really set back is when I sit here and ponder my own aspirations. Or maybe I am in the middle of something great, a journey so magnificent that in retrospect this exact post will be so dramatically ironic that it becomes the focal point of a best selling biography. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that outside the rain has stopped, my negativity has been removed by the leech of self-expression, and my latest podcast is halfway done with its export. There's more to talk about.

I really have no idea what marketing is. A personal brand, a persona, a reputation, social media presence, all of these things confuse the shit out of me. I don't get it and I don't like it. The counter-cultural part of me is repulsed, finding the facade of Instagram unattractive, the brevity of Twitter unsatisfying and angry, the metrics of Facebook confusing. There's so much to be gained from these platforms, though, and the more time I spend bashing and avoiding them the less time I'm building something for myself. That's the shitty part here, that I'm both in complete control and failing in this aspect.

It just doesn't feel right, building my own brand. I hate those words, I'm averse to the concept, I'm intimidated by the competition, I'm unimpressed with the content I put up. It's a lot of negativity that I'm bringing to the table, and a stubbornness that I can make it work by putting words on a free, bland page and post it, pictureless, to my personal Facebook. Who do I think I am? Why would that possibly be enough?

Am I ashamed of what I'm writing? Maybe I don't think it's good enough yet. I started this blog by just writing posts and not sharing them anywhere, using it as a way to simply store my journal entries and practice writing as often as possible. Is that the only value here? Do I just need to be more patient, do what feels right, and in 5 years I'll be happy with what I did?

God, I must be unbearable. I legitimately tried to be positive for a hot second, and it went right back into my internal centrifuge of anxiety. That's alright, this is mostly for me. It always is. I won't be shameful about it.

All I can do is go back to the gameplan, and hope I'm doing things right. Trust the advice of those who want the best for me, stay financially, physically, and mentally stable. Have fun when I can, work hard often, and maybe uninstall Twitter.

Man, I fucking hate Twitter.

Friday

Friday....

Friday Friday, Friday. Friday..!
Friday?

Finally Friday!

Haiku's aside, Fridays always bug me out for a second. This morning I thought it was Saturday but I had forgotten to get paid. Seems like money's on my mind, and also I assumed that I had such a crazy night that I blacked out for a whole day. That's the type of party person I am, poor and wild.

I like getting drunk. I think I'm good at it. It's not that hard to be social when you drink, I know, so there's nothing I should be really bragging about. I do think that I have trained well in the art of having intoxicated fun at bars, as it was my most valuable lesson from the 4 years in Oneonta State College.

First off, I'm really good at getting peer pressured. Super good at it. Chugging a beer, taking a shot, if anything that will escalate the night is asked of me then chances are I will do it. Unless I'm close to throwing up. I'm insanely good at knowing my vomit limit, my spew line, my Demilitarized-Zone of puke. I might be easy to pressure, but when I'm one drink away I will back off. It's my Superpower.


I also know like 3 party tricks. I can catch things in my mouth, juggle, and freestyle when the time calls for it. It might sound like I'm putting together a resume for the worst movie in the world, but screw it, this is who I am. If things are getting boring (These are pregame tricks only, don't start a rap circle at a public place) I'll be like "Who want's to play grapes?" and then my friend's girlfriend's friend's boyfriend, who's now my best pal in the world, will pipe up like "What's that, J-Dawg?" and then he will throw grapes into my mouth from across the room while nobody watches. It will be fun for us, though. That's all that matters.

I'm a good listener too, before I get too wasted. I've found that when you can break through the first few minutes of meeting somebody, you can get them rolling on something interesting or personal and it becomes a fun conversation. Nobody wants to be boring, nobody wants to do small talk all night, so I try and get them to say some weird shit. There's an art to that, too, and listening intently is the biggest factor. Are they talking about their job? Did they bring up a coworker in a dismissive or slightly bitter tone? I'll be all like "Aww, you hate this Cathy person don't you? Fuck Cathy!" And they'll be all like "YYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH" And literally turn into He-Man, Gain the power of Grayskull, and start rattling off thirty ways why they hate Cathy. Those are my favorite times, cause it feels like I just cracked the code into the world's most interesting Jukebox. Plus, I gain the social credit needed to complain about my own workplace. It's a win-win, baby!

I think my favorite part of the night is the points in between locations, like between the pre-game and the first bar and all the hopping in between. Those are the best, when the whole crew comes out and we count our losses. Great idea, everyone in the party should be given a dog-tag so when they decide to split from the group they can give it to the host and they know it's over. Then outside a bar it's like "OkAY. ALRIGHT WHo do we HAve? One... Five... Thirteen, Plus three dog tags, that's sixteen! HOW many did WE STArt With?" You know, responsibility.

And the late night food, holy shit. That's the most magical moment in the world. That's the moment when you know it's over, when you can hang your hat up and put on your bib, then go to town on something that is absolutely not the correct thing to eat. I'm salivating already, imagining the Oneonta specialties that call to me this very day. My favorite was something called the Gooch Special, which was pulled pork on a hot dog bun, with Mac n' cheese on top, then garnished with crushed Fritos. My my, what a delectable treat. I look forward to the day where a food truck at 2AM sells something more perfect than that, but for now I'll settle with pizza.

What I miss most about College, though, is the mornings after a good rager. When I could sit around with my buddies, hung-over as all hell, going through Snapchats and trying to piece together the weird shit that went down. Those moments brought it all together, linked my normal state of sobriety with the exceptional stupidity and brazenness of my drunk-self. To know that the shortcomings I have normally can go away with a few ounces of liquid, and that I will always be appropriately punished for it. The instant nostalgia and humility of a hangover does something to a person that seems... healthy? Man, this is edging close to some terrible life advice. Who cares, drinking is fun.

So yes, tonight we party. And I'm excited for it, I guess. I'm into it Intellectually, like I know it'll be fun, but it's a bit too early to be into it spiritually. Physically I'm always ready, but my body is the one taking the punishment so I wouldn't say he's too pumped.

Anyway, see me in White Plains tonight. I'll be the drunk juggler rapping outside the bars.

Short and Sour

I'm facing a little bit of a problem... It's an internal one, a problem that most artists (or as we call them today, content creators) face I'd assume. What's going through my mind is a dilemma of wanting people to read what I'm writing (consume my content) while still remaining true to myself in all the work that I do.

These thought loops always get to me. Right now, at 6:40AM on the fourth rainy day in a row, this is when I need to bring forth my own optimism. Something to counteract the barrage of doubt coming from one side of my brain to attack the other. The easier part now, as opposed to when I was 19, is that I know how universal these doubts are. The thoughts of not being good enough, or not understanding the industry, or coming to terms with advertising oneself as a commodity rather than a fully fledged human. These are modern problems in the platform of blogging or *sigh* content, but this has been the artists' struggle since as long as there's been artists. And there's been art since as far back as the 1960's, from what I've heard.

(I only consider people who do LSD to be artists. Sorry Beethoven)

So what? Like, really, what am I getting up in arms about? There are easy ways to push this forward and become more legitimate. There's still value in writing things that people don't read, as long as I come to terms that they might read it one day. But writing just for myself is.. it's just not the point. I like being heard. I used to be ashamed of that, thinking that true art is to be crafted from the tortured solitude of a misanthropic genius, that anybody outside of that mold would be settling for less and creating incorrectly. That the appeal to the "masses" is inherently wrong, and any attempt to justify the desire for our art to be seen is to turn a blind eye to the evils of capitalism destroying any sort of true creativity.

And look, I'm not here to talk about capitalism. Well, I don't know, maybe I am. Maybe every artist has to really understand it, come to terms with it, possibly even learn to love it.

Is the free market anti art? It doesn't hate creativity, that's for sure. Right now there's a huge push for authenticity, something novel in our culture and undoubtedly in parallel with the value of artists. So now, in 2019, what is there to dislike about capitalism? What is actually wrong with a system designed the way it is now, with 10 platforms to distribute our art for free, for billions of people to potentially see us, for a living to be made from the comfort of our own swivel chair?

What's wrong is what has always been wrong, except it's easier. It's not free, it's not easy, but it's much easier compared to when art began in the 60's. I think what's scary for me is the idea of failure within this system is that much more embarrassing. Not because my friends or family will see me fail, but in my own head if I can't make this work then maybe I'm just not cut out for it. If I can't make my writing become something valuable in this context then perhaps it is just valueless.

It's a weak mindset. As pumped up and excited I was last week, this week is certainly a valley. I need to stay patient, work hard in my day job and side gigs, and do what I love. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.

It's hard though, man. Sometimes it just gets hard.

P.S

I got some good feedback on my post yesterday. I'm gonna sit on it for a little bit before hitting on the topic of Melee finances again.

To iBDW and Moky:

I have extreme sympathy for Moky and iBDW. I don't want to sit here and assume I can fix all of their problems, not even close, but I definitely felt the need to explore the issue and offer my perspective.

I know Cody well, I was one of the players that he cut in half on his ascent, and we played/met up at both upstate and tristate tournaments alike. I used to think me and him had a special bond because he would hug me at every tournament, now I see that it's his thing and I need to come to terms with it. I love the guy, truly. It breaks my heart to see him in the position he's in.

Moky I know less about, but we met briefly at Shine last year after he beat in bracket and he was a really cool guy. As a player, I admire him deeply and am in awe with the creativity and flash that he has while still packing some juicy results. After reading his story, I was again heartbroken, and so I come to this blog now with a great deal of frustration.

Two of our best melee players need our help. We need to help them.

I believe that this is the best time for these players to make a career in Smash. I truly believe they can do it, and everyone on twitter is certainly showing their support as well. The leverage from Smash Summit 8, their skills in the game, their popularity, all of this can be turned into something sustainable and profitable.

**Before I keep going, I should take a second to acknowledge that iBDW and Moky are two different people. When I say "What can they do" I'm speaking on their similarities as melee fox players, and the difficulties they both will have in making money with this game**

Here's the nightmare scenario here: Both of these players start streaming and they both do decently well. Donations come in strong and these players are hit with a huge wave of support. After a few months, this support dies down, and unless they really hit their strive as streamers before that happens, then they won't be making as much money anymore. Then it becomes a game of "Do I stream, or do I go to this regional where first place gets $1,200 and second gets $600?" Then, these guys aren't just competing for the love of the game, they're competing to survive.

It's very hard to predict a streamer's trajectory, particularly in melee. These players will no doubt hit an audience right away, and with consistency could definitely pull some good numbers. Who knows, maybe they'll hit their subscriber goals every month and be completely fine. The scary thing is, this is still a chaotic way to make money. There is very little consistency besides the monthly stipend that they (hopefully) get from their sponsors. I would be scared to take the plunge too, especially since Nintendo is a cruel god and provides nothing to the melee community.

This is a scary time for both of these players. I don't want them to become forgotten, or anyone thinking that the money they get from Summit or donations or their sponsors is enough. Again, it might be. I might be scared for no reason, projecting my own shortcomings within the community and the game onto two much more capable people. I definitely hope I'm wrong. In any case, with all that laid out, I want to talk about solutions.

All I can do is channel Gary Vee here... What would he say?

Let's talk about leverage. Both of these players have tremendous attention on them at this very moment, it's arguably their biggest asset. I think their number 1 goal should be building their brands further, and creating a network of people that can help them push and monetize their brand. Then, they can subsidize their careers with either 1. Merchandise 2. Coaching or 3. Patreon

They need to stream consistently, but more importantly distribute that content as far and wide as possible. In order to be a melee player with real value, you must put out clips, quotes, tips, interviews, anything and everything you can possibly do to keep people paying attention to you. It's the only hope, unless you both go on to hit top 8 at every major you go to from here on in. If that happens, then this was a waste of time, and I'll go back to my hole where I just say aggressive things about commentators that make me feel insecure.

Here's my final plea, if you want to support either Moky or iBDW or both, see what you can do for them passed donating. Help them build an infrastructure where they can sustainably leverage this attention into real money, not just flash floods of donations or amazon prime subscribers. Even if it's clipping cool shit on their stream and posting it places, it helps. If everyone does a small part, just enough so that you aren't taken off of your own path, then two of our favorite players can lead a happy life. And then, selfishly, we get to reap the benefits of watching these two masters develop into some of the best players our community has ever seen.

To Cody and Moky (We aren't on first name basis) I hope that you guys read this as well, and look into making this a real career independent of tournament winnings and other things outside your control. I believe in both of you with all my heart, and I look forward to the days of you doing an interview after winning a major, telling Homemadewaffles that everything worked out well, that you're happy, and that melee is the sickest game of all time.

Best of luck. I'm rooting for you both.

(P.S, Donating helps a lot. Way a lot. Donate if you can to these wonderful people)

Melee is crazy.

I gotta get a short one out, because taking a day off hurts more than you'd think.

I had a crazy good weekend. Spent quality time with four of my closest friends, partied on the days you're supposed to party, watched Smash Summit 8 (!!!!) and came out on Monday morning relatively unscathed. There's a lot to be said for how a person spends their weekends, usually mine are not all that special, and when I get the chance to see my buddies in person it really sets my mind right for the upcoming week.

Not to say that I'm not tired, cause I am, but I guess it's a better tired than other types. I might have another cup of coffee before noon type of tired. I know, that's not any sort of fatigue that I should be proud of.

Anyway, updating my life is pretty boring now, especially when I'm doing it nearly every day. What do I actually want to talk about?

.....

Melee is crazy.

For the uninitiated, Axe just won Smash Summit 8. His first ever major. The context behind that is almost too difficult to describe, so I won't really try, but if you take my word that it's a really big deal then we can talk about what it means to me, to my friends in the community, and the future of the game that I hold so dear.

It feels like this game won't ever go away. There's too much love pumped into it on a daily basis for it to really die, too many exciting things happening, too many players trying to create their own stories and contribute to the bigger picture. It's inspiring to see the rise of people that started playing after I did, iBDW specifically, and how he's gone from a new player to top 15 in less time than anyone I've ever seen. I'm sure there's someone starting now who will be amazing in 4 years or so, giving another seismic shift to the melee community.

 It's incredible, slightly unbelievable actually, how exciting these last few months have been for the game. I'm not the person to really speak on it, since I can barely remember my own sets let alone others, but I do want to reflect on how I feel. I have my own aspirations with the game, as you all may know, and the likelihood of those dreams seems directly coordinated to the health of the scene as a whole. What can I manufacture out of a game with this level of heart, excitement, attitude and durability? A hell of a lot more than other hobbies, similarly aged games don't get the same attention as this masterpiece that's for sure.

And of course I tie this into my own experience, since that's all I can do and all I really would like to do, so I hope it doesn't come off as self-centered. I'm just saying that I'm inspired by those at the top, and while I know that my own aspirations don't lead to the same place (4th at summit, really cody?) I trust that following my heart is a worthy driver, and rarely the wrong move.

I guess it's just nice to be reminded why I do something, why I spend money and travel and shuffle around priorities. It's nice to feel a part of something, to look online and see hundreds of people get excited for the exact same reason at the exact same time. There's nothing better than community. Except for Melee, I think.

"Flip King of Weehawken"

Just sold some garbage for thirty bucks. Not actual garbage, I just found it next to a garbage can and took it for free, but if we're talking literal terms I turned trash into cash. Pretty cool.

This kick I'm on lately is filling me with a lot of energy. I'm not talking big bucks here, and not even over a long enough time to be talking about it so much, but it's where I'm at now and that's where I want to linger for a bit. I wanna dig into where this came from, why my brain keeps pulsing good vibes when I list something on Ebay or go through Nintendo games from my childhood. I've never cared so much about making money, so what changed?

Like with anything in life, there are different factors. Living on my own (rent, groceries, bills) is making me think harder about my income and how I manage my money. My day job is an entrepreneurial playground, and over the last year or so I've seen the power of online marketplaces, as well as learned how to use them. The media I consume plays a part too, as I'm literally following a framework set forward by one of my favorite internet personalities.

So yea, it makes sense that this is where I've landed. I have no doubt that I will continue this for the foreseeable future, especially since I need this money to fund my melee major addiction. I look forward to the first tournament I travel to funded entirely by this new hobby, a hobby financing another hobby. Pretty cool.

I dont like to talk on broad terms too much, but I do think theres a trend with people my age to get overwhelmed with the possibilities in front of us. We're told we can do anything, and now the internet gives us the tools to do that without leaving the couch. There's a lot of hope in that truism, but also anxiety, especially when you come against roadblocks, hesitation, failure or inadequacy. If I have so many tools, why am I still stuck? Why are there no results when I'm doing the thing that I love? If I cant succeed in my passion, if it's not who I am, then who am I?

These questions are shit-hard to answer!

I think I want to detach from these types of pursuits altogether. The framework of defining success is killing us, not the internet or Instagram or instant gratification. The exciting thing about selling random shit on the sidewalk isnt the thirty bucks, or the dream of being a millionaire using only Ebay, or any other lofty ideal. It seems to me that the best part of this is that it's real. Its grounded and indisputable, its directly correlated to the work that I put into it, and every sale that I make (remember, I'm up to 2 total. $37 profit. I dont know shit) is another sprinkle of freedom. This truly feels like the next great American frontier, and its exciting as all hell.

Usually I know pretty quickly when I like something, and I truly like this. I needed some way to fund my whole collection of side-quests, right? So maybe if I come into more money, a raise or whatever, then this will stop. I'm not saying this is who I am, my new identity isnt entrepreneur, I'm not aiming to be the flip king of Weehawken. All I know is that I've tried something and it clicked, and I just sold trash to some dude who thanked me for it... since I drove 30 minutes to deliver it.

Catch me in Brooklyn tonight, by the way. I'll be sifting through the dumpster next to Williamsburg's Acme

IDGAF.. JK I do

I don't write about my day job a lot. That's on purpose.

What should be the case is that I don't share a lot about my job, not that I don't write about it. I think back to all the crazy shit that's happened in my ol 9-5 and I hope that I'll be able to mark it down and remember it. I haven't shared because I don't want it to get to my coworkers how I feel about them, as I'm sure nobody else would want.

Is that a weakness, though? Caring about what other people would say to you if they were to read a blog about themselves? I've been taught not to care about what other people think since I was a little kid, so to completely inhibit myself from writing about this job, which I've had for over 1.5 years, feels a little like a failure.

I've always admired people who went overboard, especially for a joke. The people who see an opportunity to do something batshit and go for it without hesitation. Those are my type of people, I'm drawn to them, and in my head I always wish I had the courage to say things that I want to say without repercussion. I'm being quite vague, and that's on purpose too, since even a mild example might come off ass offensive.

I guess it's just not giving a fuck. That's what I wish I had more of.

I hate when people talk about how they don't give a fuck, it's clearly because they do, right? Also, people who say they don't give a fuck are often pretty upset when you challenge them on it, or don't take their side, or say anything that ruins their vibe. Is it possible to completely detach from other people? Is it even human to completely disregard what anybody else thinks of you, spin around in the middle of a room flipping double birds to the sales department and yelling "I don't give a fuuuuuuuuck!" They do. Otherwise they wouldn't have spun around like a performer.

I don't really understand my point right now, but that's alright. I wish I was just more bold. I'm finding a place for it, in improv practice or with people who like to push boundaries also, so with those outlets I can get it out of my system and code switch back to whatever else. Maybe I'm gearing up for the weekend, and this type of complaining coming out is a precursor to going hard as heck with all my friends. That's probably it. It sounds about right.

I just get annoyed by anyone who acts tough, speaks out often, can't take no for an answer. I don't think there's a lot of humanity in that. It feels calculated, like a decision was made at some point that they needed to put a barbed wire around their identity, and even if it keeps your ego safe from harm I think it's hard to take that wire away. Don't want people taking advantage of you? Fine. Want to further your position and gain respect? Alright, I guess you need to be a little aggro. Everywhere else, though.. Where does it leave you? What are you sacrificing with these personas? Those aren't leading questions, really, although I know some answers already. You're sacrificing being friends with me, dick. And I'm a sweet freakin friend.

But whatever, I can't judge. I don't know people. These types of guys (and it's mostly guys, let's be honest) are probably looking at the way I live as unbearable. I appease, I nod along with authority, I'm done what is asked of me, I try my best to hide ego. In my frat, my jobs, high school, that's just who I am. Doing anything else takes a lot of energy, and I don't know if I see any huge downside. My problem is that I become a target for these jackweasels, and that's where I need to start standing my ground. I need to learn how to bite back, not just retreat into the safety of my shell. This will take time, I'm sure. I'm not too concerned, since I always do have my shell to retreat into.

(In this short metaphor, the shell represents my sense of self and identity. It might not be full mature, but it can withstand outside forces and protect my vital functions)

So that's that. Being bold, learning to fight back, all that stuff. I'm trying to highlight my weaknesses as often as possible.

Being too nice sounds like a humblebrag. I'm not too nice, I just like being safe.

The Cool Kid and the Smelly Dork

Right now, I feel pretty satisfied.

Usually it just takes a few days to scratch the various itches that are consistently in the spine of my soul. When I go a week or so fulfilling my basic human needs, then a couple of days with decent creativity, I come to this headspace. I welcome it. It's the goal, in a way. The proof in the pudding (words down on paper), as it were.

I always get a tinge of fear, though. Whenever I have a sense of accomplishment, there's a rush of anxiety following up right behind, telling me not to get complacent. It's as reliable as a package deal for a popular guy and his nerdy best friend when choosing teams for a kickball game. You want the popular dude, but the nerdy fellow is louder than he should be, and if he just stayed quiet you would like him way more, plus he smells bad. This doesn't get in the way of you picking Jason (The popular boy, keep up) , because he's seriously a beast, and his positive attitude brings the best out of the rest of the team.

I'll put up with stinky Pete for now, but I always feel the need to complain about him or make him go away. "I wanted Jason!" I scream into poor little Peter's eyes, "You always come along and ruin it!" And that's on me, I don't like feeling anxious. I don't like it when self-doubt springs up as a counterweight to any modicum of success or momentum. I want to kick Peter in the god-damn shins and run away, then call attention to any pretty girls in the area and tell them he tried hurting a disabled boy but got his ass kicked. Is this relatable? You all get me.

But Jason, he's dope as hell man. When I get him on the team he's a freaking all star, hitting home runs left and right and fielding like a true hero. I love it when I get going, where I can keep a steady flow of work and focus for as long as possible. It's great! It's just that after every home run there's stinky Pete, stumbling up to bat with his helmet on backwards and shirt buttoned incorrectly. Why are you dressed up for kickball, Peter my boy? Who else is wearing a helmet? I just shake my head and let him get out, just trying to make it through the shitty moment with integrity in tact. Maybe that's my problem, though. Trying to remove or ignore something that's fundamental to who I am.

There's no way to get rid of Stench master Peter, here. Him and Jason are joined at the hip, and according to Big J, this crap-scented companion is a big reason why he's so happy and successful. Pete pushes him to work hard, to be his best, to focus and perform whenever he can. "Wow, I didn't know that" I say to Jason, as I return his laundry to him, pressed and folded. "These smell great by the way"

"Thanks! Pete reminds me to smell my best" Jason says, trying his best to make sense of the metaphor of which he is a part. "Anyway, back to that volunteer work!"

I sigh as Jason cartwheels out of the locker room. Pete shuffles his way out of a closed locker, then flounders out quickly while trying to keep playing Pokemon on his Gameboy but it won't save and it's running out of battery. I sigh again, but this time shake my head, which means I feel different.

Pete isn't going away, is he? Maybe he's just here to make Jason more appealing, like this popular boy is only cool when paired up with a true beast of a human. Maybe I need that consistent reminder of my anxiety so I know what the alternative is. A Peter without a Jason is just a waste of an at-bat. Jason without Peter might not exist.

Maybe putting up with this anxiety is just not the move. Maybe I need to get used to it, then start to like it, then get it to be a valuable team player. Maybe SP can be shown the way into a productive and attractive human being? I need a metaphorical Queer Eye, I think.

Or maybe extended metaphors are a waste of time, and trying to personify complex human emotions into a ubiquitous high-school experience is just a way of coping with the fact that nobody on earth will ever truly understand what I'm going through, ever, not even those closest to me. This desire I have, the urge to turn 'Pete' and 'Jason' into this idea that's so well articulated that anyone on the internet would connect with it instantly, it's completely unrealistic, and not just because of my own shortcomings as a writer, thinker, and communicator, but also the fundamental error in human language that will limit our ability to accurately reflect our own thoughts and emotions in perpetuity, and that the only way to circumvent the ultimately futile attempt to make my presence known or important in this modern world is to resort to these audacious rants and absurdly long metaphors.

See that? That was all Pete. That's why we keep this guy around.



P.S

Pete Ward, this metaphor was not inspired by you, I promise.

Gamify me, captain

I like to turn everything into a video game.

Like, real life stuff. Gamification is a word now (Although it's getting red-lined by google) and I think I'm a good example of it.

Some things definitely should be gamified, this ebay thing for instance. If you can't look at buying and selling on ebay as reminiscent of some sort of MMORPG then you had too many friends in high school. I played Runescape and World of Warcraft. Yes, in this context I am bragging. The only context I'm allowed to brag about that.

In these types of games you essentially had the freedom to play how you want, and some people would decide to "Merchant" all day. Basically, with the items that are constantly moving around the in-game economy, you can buy things low and sell them high. It was day trading, essentially.

I tried this a little bit, but I played when I was 10 and generally had no idea how to do anything. I didn't have a lot of $$ (Still talking about gaming, here). I was enraptured with the concept regardless of my own success. These MMOEntrepreneurs weren't at the top of any leader boards, weren't technically skilled at the actual game itself, but they were the cool people to myself and lots of other poor (in-game) kids. It also didn't hurt that they were decked out in FULL DRAGON. WHOAOOAAA

Now that I'm a bit older and have real, actual money to spend on stuff, I find myself fascinated with the idea of merchanting again. Coincidentally, and this is not to keep anything on theme, the first things I began research on has been Nintendo 64 games. I have 13 from my childhood and I looked their prices up on Ebay last night. I looked at how much they sold for in the past month, took the average cost, and have it in a cheeky little spreadsheet on my computer. For some reason, I enjoyed the process very much. Couldn't tell you why, it's literal data entry.

I'm actually thinking hard about why I liked it. I really didn't expect to. Often I'll get some idea in my head of what I want to do next, some grand scheme or maybe just a pop-up hobby. I'll get invested, talk about it all the time, then give it up when I decide I don't like it or I stop doing it for too long. There's a strong chance that happens again with this ebay bullshit, maybe 50% or so. Like, I haven't sold a damn thing yet, and I've mentioned it already what, twelve times? Oh well.

This felt a little different, though. I don't usually have energy at 9:45 PM, but I kept on plugging away happily. We'll see where this goes, huh?

--------

A final thought about gamification, I made my shower into a fighting game character today. In the shower, of course. And I didn't make it an actual character, but I did give it a tier list ranking based on it's merits, and compared it to my old shower. Let me try to explain:

Old shower:
Single handle for simple temperature control.
Sometimes inconsistent water pressure and temp
Three nozzle settings, but only one version is actually viable
   -Also non-detachable
Final Grade = Tier B -- Good for beginners to learn but lots of glaring weaknesses

New Shower:
Three knobs, confusing at first but gives surprising control over pressure and temperature
Detachable nozzle with one setting, allows for special attack "Butthole Blast" for the days when your cheeks got suds.
Extremely reliable hot water, but sensitive to same-floor toilet flush

Final Grade = Tier A -- Hard to learn but the core strengths and flexibility make up for it. Mastering the "Butthole Blast" will bring your game to a whole new level.


----

Also, Melee has ruined me as a regular person. I can't do anything casually anymore, I'm straight up hardwired to try and optimize and speed up my "movement". The biggest culprit has been typing on a TV with the remote control. Most people groan when they need to type in their wifi password using only cardinal directions and an "ok" button, but I get into my gamer stance (Leaning forward) and take on the challenge. Have you ever out-sped the auto find feature on Netflix because you were typing the title too fast? Me neither. That is my Everest.

I have my email down to a stupid fast speed. I had to do it since the days of Xbox360, and that practice has sharpened my skills and made me into the man I am today.

So why bring this all up? I don't know, it's not like I feel bad about it or anything. I guess I'm just interested in how my head works, why I like the things I do, what I did as a kid that lead me to be the guy I am now.

What's exciting, though, is that I still have so much time to develop. I'm not sure how it works, but I assume that childhood isn't the only impressionable time of my life. I can do things now, in these next five, ten, fifteen years, that will influence me the same way my 13-year old self influenced me at 23. This time I'll have the sovereignty to make my own decisions, and the maturity (hopefully!) to stick with them for a long enough time to learn from them. I can't expect this next endeavor to be successful, or even that fun for a long time, so it's just a matter of staying honest to myself and taking it one step at a time.

Oh, and sometimes finding a parking spot is like a game, but it's like beating a boss for your little cousin and you don't want to admit that it's actually hard. Last one, bringing change to a coin counter is like turning in a quest.

Alright that's enough gotta go bye.

I'm settled but also totally not

I only have about 25 minutes for this one. Usually I'd give it up, but for some reason I feel it's important to document where I'm at.

Yesterday I was unbridled, taking on the day like an ocean wave. It roughed me up, but I stood my ground, and battered and bruised I was able to sleep at night like a baby. That metaphor didn't really hold up, did it?

attempt #2

Yesterday I had a headache, but I still did some shit. The couch didn't come. I did grocery shopping online. I tried streaming until I realized that my cheap internet wouldn't cut it. The writing I did was what I was most proud of.

So, alright. A day off didn't go so bad. Now it's time for a day..on? A day where I actually work. This is the real meat and potatoes.

Limitations can be good for creativity. Not sure where I read that, but I did, and I believe it whole hardheartedly. The only reliable and consistent way for me to stay creative is to write every day, rain or shine, unexpected holiday or not. I've discovered this before, this isn't some big epiphany, but now that I have my own place, can put my computer and my games and all my shit exactly where I want, where I can cook at 11:30pm if I so choose, where I can look up from my screen and see real daylight, this is when I can get into a rhythm. I feel it sneaking up, and now that I'm making an effort to put in my 25 minutes because I know it's better than 0 I feel okay.

Again I'm onto this centrifuge blogging style. Always happens, every time. I'll find a way out I'm sure, it just takes a few times. I just need to lock onto a subject and I'll be good.

Oh, okay, I'll talk about my new hobby. There's no real name for it, but it's finding free stuff on craigslist and selling it on Facebook Marketplace. I'll call it Craigsbook Faceplacing. Or Facelisting. Craig's Market? I'll settle on one later.

Anyway, It's a Gary Vaynerchuck thing through and through. I've mentioned him before (I really like the guy) and he keeps talking about the money that can be made by just picking up the free shit all over craigslist and selling it. Simple as that. With this new apartment I have the room, and with the new rent to pay I have the ambition. I picked up my first box of stuff yesterday, and am about to make a sale on a painting that I literally found next to my trashcan. Someone's gonna buy it for $30. Thirty bucks! Literal garbage is about to pay my lunch for the week. You can't tell me that's not pretty cool.

And just like that, I'm hooked. At least for a bit, who knows if I'll get discouraged or waste my time or get mugged. The world is crazy like that, but as a six foot tall guy I think I'll come out alright. And with a few extra dollars in my pocket I can afford to go my favorite weekend events in the world, Melee majors. I can't imagine a more fulfilling experience than hustling on the side to pursue a passion. Here's to hoping it goes well.

Ten more minutes. I can't talk about FaceCraiging (Frontrunner?) anymore since I've done it for 3 days.

I think right now is a very important time in my life. My Father would call it a "Defining Moment," My mom would call it "Growing a pair of balls." Whatever you wanna call it, (Defining Balls?) It's a rare opportunity to really shift gears on how I live my life. It's clear that this momentum will go away, complacency will set it, and every time I put my head in the clouds I'm wasting time with what's in front of me.

 This happened in college, both freshman year and Junior year, where I put everything I had into my first semester and let it slip in the second. It's a typical story, but I've gone through it twice already and I know how it ends up.

Freshman year, my big mistake was ego. After getting good grades my first semester, I let myself believe that I would be successful no matter what, ignoring the hard work that I legitimately put in. Second semester, I got a 2.1. A two point one!!!!

Junior year, my first semester living off campus, Is when I started my White board of National notoriety. I kept it up for months, balancing my complicated life well, and made the mistake of getting a big ego again. I ran for president of my Frat, lost, then ran for Vice-President and won. Sounds like a victory, but I was overbooked as it was, and ended up coming short of my responsibilites and personal goals in the position. That's for another time, and it's still weirdly kind of raw, but I do think it was a huge mistake.

I can say here that I learned a lot from these errors, but I won't know if I really learned unless I make changes. I need to keep these lessons in my head for as long as possible, not to weigh myself down with regret but to scare myself away from my ill-guided tendencies. This moment of high-spirits can falter, but it doesn't need to. I can have my first semester over and over again. Winter will probably still be shitty, though. That's for later.

Ok, three minutes. I forgot to brush my teeth so I'll do that instead.

Thanks for reading.